(Opening scene, Penny exits her apartment, and hears aggravated interjections coming from the guy's apartment. The door is open, and Penny enters tenatively.)
Penny: Sheldon? (Sheldon is visibly worn and frazzled.)
Sheldon: Why can't I see it? It was here just a moment ago, and it slipped right through my fingers while I was calculating the fourteenth variable! How could I let this happen?
Penny: Ok, Sheldon, Honey, I think it's time you calm down and eat something. When was the last time you slept?
Sheldon: Sleep is irrelevant to protons and electrons, and I am much more advanced physically than either of them. Logically, I should not be bound by limitations that do not affect them also. The need for eight hours of regular sleep is possibly an illusion!
Penny: (Being both snarky and affectionate, fiddling in the kitchen) Yeah, and maybe this is an illusion, and I can really wake up on my days off without playing house to a 30yr old man who sometimes doesn't believe in bedtime or eating his oatmeal! (She presents him a bowl)
Sheldon: … I suppose low blood sugar and severe sleep deprivation can take their toll on even the most advanced species... (He hesitantly takes the bowl and sits down in his spot)
Penny: (reassuringly) Of course they can. Now, I'm going to go check the mail. When I come back, I hope this bowl is empty, and your bed is occupied. K?
(Sheldon nods, wearily)
(Penny descends the staircase and heads over the check her mail. Leonard appears to be frozen, gazing quizzically at his mail box. Penny leers a bit, and waves her hand in front of his face. He shakes his head to clear it and blinks.)
Penny: You okay there, Sweetie?
Leonard: Sorry, yeah, just-... expecting a letter from my mother. Not sure I want to read what's in it. The last time she wrote me a letter, it sounded like a suicide note.
Penny: Holy Crap! Was she ok?
Leonard: (sighs) Yeah, it turns out 'ending it all' was just in reference to her recent study on orphans who display attachment issues. She couldn't find anything strange about their relationships to their foster parents, and insisted the children simply had a 'professional attitude' toward home life and appeared to be remarkably advanced in their emotional states. Writing a letter was her response to me expressing that I'd like to be more involved in her life, and not having to hear major life-changing events from my room mate.
Penny: Yeah. I think I remember. So, what do you think she wrote about this time?
Leonard: I'm scared to find out.
Penny: Well, come on, you cant just stand there paralyzed. Not knowing has to be worse than anything that's actually in the letter. Come on, I'll open it for you.
Leonard: You're right. I'm not going to let this cripple me. (He takes out the letter and reads the front. Then promptly hands it to Penny.) Here.
Penny: Uh- okay, here we go! (She opens the letter) "To whom it may concern..." (She looks up at Leonard. He nods, and she continues) "I hope this letter finds you in good health. It would be a terrible waste of nine months occupancy of my uterus for your body to then go to hell." (Penny shakes her head quizzically and continues) "That said, my doctor has found what we hope to be a benign tumor under my left breast. I shall keep you updated as per your request. Best regards, -as is the social convention, - your Mother." Oh Leonard, I'm so sorry. Gee, I hope everything turns out okay.
Leonard: Wow. I hardly know how to take that. I mean, she probably wouldn't appreciate flowers or a card or anything. Anything I could do would be perceived as cloying.
Penny: Aw, Honey, come here. (She hugs him.) I'm sure in her own way, your mother truly does care about you. And you know, doctors find these things all the time, I'm sure it's nothing. No sense worrying about it until we know for sure, right?
Leonard: .. Right... you're right. Worrying about it won't help anybody.
Penny: Right. Look, I've got a shift in about an hour, but I'll check in with you when I get back, ok?
Leonard (nodding, absently) : Yeah, - hey thanx, Penny.
Penny: (smiling sympathetically as she heads up the stairs ) No problem!
(end scene)
(Next scene opens at the Cheesecake Factory. Wolowitz, Raj, Leonard, and Sheldon are sitting at their table.)
Raj: I don't care what you say about it, I'm not going meet women at a self defense class. Those chicks are scary!
Wolowitz: No, see, you've got it all wrong! Odds are, they're there because they feel vulnerable! You show up, show an interest in helping women defend themselves, and immediately you're perceived as one of the good guys! A little razzle dazzle, and you've got the numbers of three different women who see their options as being between a possible sex offender, or you! And you may not say much, but I'm venturing a guess they'll pick you! What do you say?
Raj: I don't know... what if they just want to practice hitting me with their purses?
Wolowitz: Then hope they don't take bricks with them when they go out, and make it a date!
(Penny enters)
Penny: Hey guys, what can I get for you?
Wolowitz: How 'bout a pair for my friend here?
(Raj glares defenselessly at Howard)
Penny: Beer for Raj. Ok, you guys ordering lunch, or are you just here to use the sugar packets as Star Wars "spice" again?
Leonard: It's not (he mimes quotations sheepishly) "star wars spice" it's just spice. Jedi's use it to-
Penny: -Look, I really don't care what the jedi's use it for. I'm getting Raj a beer, and then if you're not ordering anything, you really have to go.
Wolowitz: Come on, Sista. Where's my little Strawberry short cake? I have a new trick I wanna show her.
Penny: Uhh, I think Bernadette has the day off, but I can check the schedule if you want.
Wolowitz: Thank ya, Ma'am.
(Penny Exists. A loud crash is heard and Penny screams. The four guys leap to their feet and look at each other. Leonard charges off stage in Penny's direction.)
Leonard: Somebody call an ambulance! Penny hit her head on a cast iron skillet and she's out cold!
(Howard uses his cell phone. Fade to black.)
(Penny slowly opens her eyes to find herself back in her apartment. Raj's terrior licks her face.)
Penny: Annika, what the hell are you doing here? Where's Raj? (Penny looks out the window) Holy crap on a cracker...
(Out the window, things are flying by in what appears to be a hurricane. Penny rubs her head, but then notices Amy outside, with green skin, wearing a black witch's hat and robe.)
Amy: Ahahaha! I'll get you my pretty! And your neurotic neighbor too! Ahahaha! (Penny gasps and steps backward, running across the hall, but when she opens her apartment door, she's met with more hurricane. Annika barks and Penny covers her face and falls to the floor.)
(Penny awakens to the most obscenely colorful, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory-type garden she has ever seen. Annika goes running out ahead of her.)
Penny: I don't think I'm in Pasadena anymore... maybe Santa Barbara? (Something catches her eye under the door) Oh my gosh, those are the cutest shoes I've ever seen in my life! And someone just left them here! … I'm sure they won't mind if I just... (She tugs on them with visible force) borrow them! (They come off and she tries them on.) Oh, look at that! Just my size! (She starts skipping, but runs into Barry Kripke in a ridiculous outfit).
Barry: Um. Hey. Yeah, I'd like to just thank you for killing that wicked witch over there. She was a bitch.
Penny: Excuse me? I certainly didn't kill anyone. I'm sure you've made some mistake.
Barry: No... you've clearly killed her with your house and stolen her shoes. You're a murderer. -And we really appreciate it!
Penny: What? No! I'm not a murderer! … I just really really like sparkly shoes...
Barry: (sarcastically) Sure! Wicked witches just go flying underneath giant bone-crushing objects all by themselves and then give away their magic shoes to strange women.
Penny: These shoes are magic? Can they get me back to Pasadena? Because don't get me wrong, this place is beautiful, but it's kind of creeping me out.
Barry: I dunno, you'll have to talk to the good witch about that. I just run a concession stand. Lolipop?
Penny: Oh! Thank you.
(Penny takes the lolipop and nonchalantly continues until she happens upon Bernadette, who is all decked out in ridiculously pink frilly things.)
Bernadette: Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?
Penny: What? I'm not, I'm just .. a waitress.
Bernadette: Oh good. My name is Berny, and the people of Woz are eternally grateful that you disposed of the wicked witch of the North. I was afraid you might be a power hungry blight on our people, a waitress is fine.
Penny: Oh, okay, great, hey can you tell me how to get back to Pasadena? I'm really lost, and I think I just lost my deposit on my apartment in a big way.
Bernadette: You'll want to talk to the Wizard. The Wonderful Wizard of Woz. You'll like him, he's a real cutie. Just follow this yellow brick road, and it will take you right to him.
Penny: Seriously? The guy has a whole road that leads straight to his house? He must be loaded. I'm sure he can afford cab fair for a poor cute waitress. Ok! Here I go!
Bernadette: Good luck to you! I hope the wicked witch of the North doesn't send her monkies to rip your face off...! (She floats away)
Penny: Wait, what?
Bernadette: Goodbye...!
(scene)
(Next scene, Penny is wandering the yellow brick road and happens upon a corn field.)
Penny: (muttering to herself ) Great. Witches, and cannibalistic monkeys, what's next? (She nearly passes Sheldon dressed as a scarecrow and about three feet up off the ground.)
Sheldon: Hello! Hello over there!
Penny: Oh! Hello!
Sheldon: (somehwhat sharply) Would you please get me down from here? I'm alive you know, how would you like being stuck up a pole for three days? I'm sure it can't be good for my neuron receptors.
Penny: Oh! Yeah, of course! (with some difficulty she helps him down)
Sheldon: Thank you, that's better. (He falls flat on his face)
Penny: Oh my gosh! (She helps him up again)
Sheldon: (rubbing his nose) What's the matter with you, did you think I could just magically catch myself when I'm leaning like that? Honestly.
Penny: I'm sorry! Jeez! Nothing seems to make any sense in this place, how was I supposed to know?
Sheldon: Oh, it's alright. It's not your fault. I can't make heads or tails of this place either. It makes me feel so incompetent! The sky randomly turns green, the trees throw apples at you. You know, I tried to calculate the trajectory of my fall from that pole, and it turned out completely backward. Why I've never felt so... so stupid in all my life!
Penny: Well, jee, you know, if you'd like to feel smarter, I'm on my way to see this wizard guy. He's super rich, I'm sure he can help you pay for tuition or something.
Sheldon: That's the most sensible thing anyone has said to be in ages. I believe I will accompany you.
Penny: Great! Let's go! (Sheldon falls again. Penny stands there looking at him) Crap.
(Scene)
(Next scene, Sheldon and Penny are walking along and come to a wood.)
Penny: I mean, maybe this wizard guy really isn't so rich, I mean, why pave the road with cobblestones? Why not a nice smooth cement sidewalk or a highway? My feet are killing me.
Sheldon: Actually, science has proven that ancient cobblestone roads in places such as China and Quebec, because of their uneven surfaces, afford more stretching of the muscles in the feet and ankles and are therefor more beneficial than constantly performing the same motion again and again on flatter surfaces, which can cause an effect not unlike carpal tunnel syndrome.
Penny: (absently) really, you don't say..
(There is a moaning heard)
Penny: Did you hear that?
Sheldon: Of course I did, but why is it more important than what I was saying about cobblestone?
Penny: Just shut up and help me find out where it's coming from.
Sheldon: Well, I don't see the point, but alright...
(Sheldon and Penny look about a few trees when Penny finds Leonard as the Tin Man, frozen in place and mumbling.)
Penny: Did he just say "I can't"?
Sheldon: I would guess so. He can't very well do much of anything frozen in place like that.
Penny: Look, there's some oil, lets see if that helps. (Leonard rolls his eyes)
(They both work together and use the oil can on Leonard's joints. Then they shake him a bit to loosen him up.)
Leonard: Ugh! Thank you. I was stuck there for the longest time. See, the guys who put me together forgot they sent me out to chop in the rain, and I guess when I didn't come back they just forgot about me.
Penny: You poor thing! Well look, The scarecrow and I are on our way to see this wizard guy who helps people. Maybe he could give you a new job!
Leonard: (Looking at Penny, while she looks up the road or at Sheldon) Well, what I'd really like is..
Penny: Come on, I think I see his office building up ahead!
(Leonard sighs and follows)
(End scene)
(Scene opens with Amy in a dark castle room, looking at the three travelers in her Crystal Ball.)
Amy: Yes... yes, the tall one is quite fetching.. My garden could do with a scarecrow! Ahahaha! (She turns to a flying monkey) Ricky! Go forth and fetch me that scarecrow! And if the blonde won't agree to go shoe shopping with me, take her too! (Ricky is smoking. He jumps up and down and squacks as if conversing) No, I don't really have any interest in the tin man, just leave him where he is. Now go! Ahahaha! (Ricky exists. End scene on Amy.)
(Open scene on Penny, Sheldon, and Leonard, as they enter a darker part of the forest. )
Leonard: I don't like the look of this place...
Penny: Oh, get over it. I'm sure the wizard just put it here to keep everybody in Woz from knocking on his door. We'll be fine.
(Something flies past Sheldon's head)
Sheldon: Well, I'm not convinced. There could be anything in this mess. Flying monkeys, for example..
Penny: There's no such thing as flying monkeys.
(Suddenly there is a great roar and everyone panics)
Penny: (protecting her head with her arms) Holy crap it's a flying monkey!
Leonard: No, wait, look! It's just- it's a lion!
(All scream and run in ridiculously unhelpful circles. The dog goes running forward and barks at the lion, who picks him up and pets him lovingly)
Penny: Holy crap, the dog is still here. Where did she come from?
Leonard: You had a dog with you?
Sheldon: (to the Lion) What's the matter with you? You scared us half to death!
(Raj simply hangs his head shyly and does not speak)
Penny: What's the matter? Can't you talk? (Raj nods)
Leonard: Well then I think we have a right to know what you were trying to do, attacking us like that!
(Raj lowers his head against the dog and begins to cry)
Penny: Aw, hey, look, I get it, this is your forest, you don't know us-, look. My name is Penny. I'm from Nebraska. This is Scarecrow, and Tin Man. We're on our way to see the wizard. Would you like to come with us?
(Raj sniffles and nods, standing up to join the group, and sets the dog down.)
Penny: Great! We've got to be there soon, let's go!
(When Penny exits first, Raj turns to Leonard)
Raj: Actually, I don't want anything much from the wizard, but she is very pretty, and I think she likes me!
(Leonard raises one eyebrow and presses his lips together disapprovingly and walks ahead. )
(End scene.)
(Open scene on a view of the Emerald City and a beautiful open field)
Penny: Look! I see it! That must be where the Wizard lives! Hurry up, guys!
(Sheldon, Leonard, and Raj follow, panting and huffing, and falling to one knee.)
Leonard: Can we just... stop here, for a minute? I need my oil can and about 30 minutes, and then I'll be good, I promise.
Sheldon: I don't see why we're in such a hurry! My straw is falling out. At this rate, there will be nothing left of me in 3.2 miles!
(All look at Raj who is already asleep and snoring. The guys follow his example.)
Penny: Well, I guess would could stop and rest.. just for a moment...
(Scene cuts to Amy looking into her Crystal ball)
Amy: Well, I was going to send a crafty magic spell their way to slow them down, but I guess they won't be needing that after all. … And what's taking Ricky so long? Dang lung cancer... (We see Ricky in the crystal ball. He coughs between smoking.)
(end scene)
(Open scene with Penny waking up to Sheldon shouting for help. Ricky is jumping up and down on him.)
Penny: Hey! No! You get away from him!
Sheldon (being lifted off the ground) : No! No! I don't want to be monkey food! I want to go back to my corn field! Help! Help!
Penny: Scarecrow! (She turns to the others) We've got to rescue him!
(Leonard and Raj sort of shuffle their feet and grumble, shrugging a shoulder.)
Penny: Come on!
Leonard: Or we could save him, that works too! (They follow.)
(cut to Amy and her crystal ball) Yes, yes, my pretty, come to my castle, and we can be besties and go shoe shopping! Come to my lair of evil!
(Penny happens upon Sheldon broken into pieces and Ricky hacking up a lung a few feet away.)
Sheldon: Help me! It was terrible! First, he coughed so hard he dropped a bit of me there! Then he coughed again and dropped a bit of me over here!
Leonard: That's you all over! (he smiles, everyone glares at him.)
(Everyone gathers up Sheldon, and sets him right again.)
Sheldon: I must thank you. I have to say, although I don't give much credence to social paradigms, you three certainly have helped me.
Penny: If I understood that, I think I feel the same way. It's like I've known you all for a very long time. But that couldn't possibly be, could it? Come on guys, lets go find the wizard! (They exit. End Scene)
(Scene opens at the gate of the city.)
(Penny knocks, and a voice is heard from the other side)
Mrs. Wolowitz: Who is it?
Penny: It's Penny! And Scarecrow, and Tin Man, and the Lion! We're here to see the wizard!
Mrs Wolowitz: Nobody sees the wizard until he gives me a foot rub!
(Penny and all share confused and/or disgusted looks)
Leonard: It would really mean a lot to us if we could see the wizard! We've come a very long way!
Mrs. Wolowitz: You heard me! The wizard has more important things to do! Go on and be off with you!
Penny: But I was sent by Berny the good witch, and I have the magic stilettos!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Berny? She's a lovely girl! Cute as a button! Why didn't you say Berny sent ya? I'll tell the wizard you're here!
(Everyone pats each other on the back and nods excitedly. The door opens, and they enter.)
(They are met with smoke and mirrors, literally. A ridiculous projector screen with Howard's head is displayed against the wall.)
Howard: I am Woz! The great an virile!
Penny: Well, I'm Penny, the cute and scary! We were told you could help us!
Howard: You are told wrong! Leave me in peace!
Penny: Hang on a minute! You think you're fooling anyone with this garbage? Come on out here and talk to us like a man!
Howard: Enough! I will help you under one condition!
Penny: What's that?
Howard: You have got to convince the wicked witch of the west to stop leaving messages on Berny's machine.
Penny: How the heck am I supposed to do that?
Howard: You have your quest! Now you must go, and come back in one week's time. Then, and only then will I help you. Now go! (smoke billows)
Penny: (mumbling) What kind of crap is this, send me out to break up some kind of magical cat fight... Okay! Whatever! We'll be back. Come on, guys!
Sheldon: Hardly convincing display if you ask me.
Howard: Go!
Sheldon: Alright, alright! I'm going! Sheesh! Don't lose your giant head over it. (He half chortles at his own joke) (end scene)
(Open scene on Amy in her castle room. There's a knock at the door.)
Amy: Who's there?
Penny: It's me, Penny! The wizard says you have to lay off Berny the good witch! She doesn't want to go dress shopping with you!
(Amy runs to answer the door.)
Amy: How dare she! And after I went with her to her cousin's wedding when the Wizard chickened out on her! I try and try, but no one wants to be my friend!
Penny: (tenative, but sympathetic), Well, hey, you know, I bet if we wash all that green junk off your face, and maybe get that wart removed, I dunno, a little makeup and a new dress will turn you into a new woman!
Amy: You really think so? (She smiles and there's nasty black stuff in her teeth)
Penny: Uh, yeah, sure, why not? Now lets go brush those teeth with something strong enough to kill leeches. (She takes Amy off stage)
(Cut to A castle vanity with Amy sitting, and Penny, brushing her hair. Amy has ridiculously over-the-top makeup on over the green skin tone and Penny is grimacing, doing the best she can.)
Amy (looking into a hand mirror) : I never thought it would happen to me. I have a best friend!
Penny: Really? Who's that?
Amy: Don't pretend you don't know. You're so funny! That's why you're my best friend!
Penny: Woah! Um, look, I'm just here to help you smooth things over with the wizard so he will help me go home. I mean, I can't actually stay here.-
Amy: You're leaving me? (She starts to choke up) First Berny the Good Witch, and now you? Why do I even try? You can put new paint on a jalopy, but it doesn't make it a camero. Who am I kidding? (She starts to cry, into her hands, and they start smoking)
Penny: What's happening to you?
Amy: Oh my god, I'm allergic to water? What kind of bull crap is this? Ooohhh what a world, what a world...! (She sinks into the floor, and Penny takes her mirror.)
Penny: Well, I guess technically this solves the problem.. though technically now I really can be considered a murderer. (she grimaces and looks down at the Amy puddle.) (end scene)
(open scene back in the Wizard's lair. All four are present.)
Penny: And that's how we defeated the wicked witch of the west! This is her hand mirror! (She lays it down several feet in front of her as an offering.)
Howard: Holy crap, you killed her? All I wanted you to do was to get her to stop calling my girlfriend! What's wrong with you?
Penny: Hey! It wasn't really my fault! She was allergic to water for crying out loud! It was going to happen eventually!
Howard: Now way, this is a deal breaker! Berny's going to hate me now! We didn't want her dead! Go on now, I can't help you.
(Annika runs over and bites the shower curtain back from Howard's control panel, exposing him in his ridiculous shorty pjamas.)
Howard: Uhm! Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!
Penny: Oh shut up, honey, we all know it's you.
Howard: (A little rattled) Well, um, okay then.. look, you see I'm just a guy like all of you, I can't solve your problems any more than I can solve my own. But... truth be told I didn't really like the witch much anyway, so, why don't you tell me what you came for, and I'll see what I can do.
Penny: Okay, well.. (she motions to Sheldon)
Sheldon: (emphatically) I'd like to be smarter! This place is so blasted confusing!
Howard: Ah yes, life is confusing, my dear scare crow. But this place especially makes no sense whatsoever. You are actually a very brilliant man. But a great man once said, "if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, it will live it's whole life believing it is stupid." My friend, you are a fish in a world of chain smoking monkeys.
Sheldon: Um, thanx, I think.. (He throws his fist in the air) I'm a fish!
(Everyone mumbles quietly variations of "yaaay...!)
Leonard: Look, Mr. Wizard, what I'd really like is not to be left out in the cold, -if you know what I mean. (He knits his eyebrows together and motions with his thumb at Penny)
Howard: Ahh.. matters of the heart. (a beat) Naw, I got nothin'. Sorry. Next!
Raj: Ah-... (He squeaks and points to his mouth)
Wolowitz: You seem a little tense, friend, would you like a beer? (Raj shrugs, 'why not', Howard turns and offers him one, which Raj takes a shirt swig of and says)
Raj: Thank you. (His eyes light up, everyone is amazed) I can speak now! How can I ever thank you! All of you! This is amazing! Courage in a bottle! Who'd have thought? What a crazy country!
Penny: I don't suppose you have a plane ticket to Pasadena for me? (Howard shakes his head and shows his empty hands)
Howard: I mean, you could just click your magic shoes three times and say "there's no place like home" but I'm sure Berny already told you about that-
Penny: What? That bitch! I've had these damn shoes all along, and nobody bothered to tell me they could take me home any time I want? What the hell! I went through all this crap to find you, and kill the witch -
Howard: Nobody told you to kill the witch! I am not an accomplice here!
Penny: Whatever! Screw you! I'm out of here! (She looks down and starts to click her heels when she notices the sad look on Leonard's face. She stands up and realizes everyone is kind of depressed about her leaving.) Look, I'm sorry, guys. I really am happy that I met you all. Scarecrow, you know everything there is to know, but somehow you still make me feel needed. Tin man, your seemingly unconditional devotion to helping me on my quest was exactly what I needed when I felt like everything was on my shoulders. And Lion, well, you couldn't really talk to me until about five minutes ago, so I dunno what to tell you, sweetie. It's been fun, knowing all of you, but now I really have to go home. They've probably already given my shift away. Goodbye everyone..! (She clicks her heels three times and chants and finds herself waking up in a hospital bed. Leonard, and Sheldon, and Raj, and Howard are there.)
Leonard: Guys! She's waking up!
(They gather around)
Leonard: (stroking her hand) Hey... you really had us worried. How do you feel?
Penny: Ugh, I feel like I got hit with a truck! But... it wasn't a truck. There was this terrible hurricane! And I went to Santa Barbara! … And you were there! (At Sheldon) And you were there! (at Leonard) And you, and you too! (at Raj and Howard).
(They all laugh good natured-ly)
Penny: Shut up! It was real! Don't be a jerk, Howard!
Howard: Hey! He laughed too! (pointing at Leonard, but Leonard's face freezes up and he shakes his head. He changes the subject)
Leonard: Look, we're all just really glad you're okay.
Penny: Yeah, I think I am. You know, I keep saying I want to be some famous tv star actress, but all the time I was gone, I kept thinking I couldn't be happier than I am when I'm right here with all of you.
Sheldon: I wonder what that means. It's as if being with all of us day after day somehow satisfies your desire to be a famous celebrity. If I were you I'd see someone about that.
Leonard: Oh, Sheldon, will you give it a rest? Penny's awake, and she hasn't suffered any brain damage, can you just be happy about that for five minutes?
Sheldon: You're right. Penny, I'm glad you haven't lost any brain cells. You really couldn't afford them.
Penny: (smiles knowingly) Thank you, Sheldon.
(The end.)