Author's Notes: This is an idea that took me a while to finalize. I liked the concept but wasn't sure where to go with it. Well, now I've finally figured out what I want to do with this fic so I'm posting the first chapter. This is one I'm excited about because I haven't seen a fic quite like this on this site. Admittedly this chapter isn't super exciting, but it's just the introduction. The rest of the story will take shape as the fic progresses. Anyway, thank you for clicking and I hope you enjoy and review "Lord of The Fries" :)
Chapter 1
The Great Measuring
Emotions were running higher on Irk than they had in quite some time. It had been a week of sorrow, a week of vengeance, and a week of anticipation.
It had all started with the invasion of Plookesia. It had seemed like an easy target at first. The Plookesians, while technologically advanced and able to manufacture weapons of mass destruction, were also curious-minded and very suggestible. The Irken invader assigned to that planet, Invader Putt, had thought it would be so easy to convince the Plookesians to surrender to the Irken Empire.
At first it seemed Putt was right and the Plookesians would surrender. After all, most of them didn't even live on the planet anymore and mostly used their home world to commute. Putt had convinced the aliens to hand over their government's authority to him, and all seemed well with the planet. When the armada came for the organic sweep, however, that was when things got serious.
The armada shot at the largest inhabited cities relentlessly. The Tallests expected the Plookesians to send them transmissions begging for mercy and offering anything for the survival of their doomed race. They received no such transmissions though. There was only one message to the Massive, and it was from the former mayor (yes, Plookesia designated a mayor for an entire planet) saying that he had personally killed Invader Putt and that they hoped a war wasn't too much of an inconvenience for the Irkens. It was an odd way to put it, but Plookesians were very casual yet very polite creatures.
Little did the Irken armada know the horror that polite transmission would bring...
It took three weeks for a spittle runner from the armada to make it's way back to Irk. Advisor Rarl Kove was the only one with access to the Control Brains in the Tallests absence, so the ship's captain went to talk to him first thing.
"Armada Soldier Tab!" Rarl Kove shouted indignantly, "What are you doing here? You don't have an appointment, and besides, you're supposed to be with the armada right now!"
"I know sir..." The captain replied in a very shaky voice.
Rarl Kove then took a closer look at the shorter captain and noticed he had been crying, and it looked as if he hadn't bathed or changed clothes in weeks. He was a ghastly sight to behold, and that was when the advisor knew something was definitely wrong.
"I was the only one that made it away from Plookesia alive," The captain continued after taking a deep breath, "It was horrible...The Tallests, they...they..."
"They what, soldier?" Rarl Kove asked abruptly, though he was hesitant to know the answer.
"The Plookesians killed them!" The captain wailed; his voice echoing through the halls of the control center, "The Massive was attacked, and the Tallests were captured. The armada tried to stop them, but the Plookesian's weaponry was too strong! They recorded...The Tallests had their legs cut off and their PAKs removed. It was horrible! Those that survived set their ships to self-destruct around the planet; blowing it to smithereens. I alone was tasked with coming back and reporting all that transpired. Advisor...We don't even have their bodies. They were destroyed along with the planet. I'm so sorry!"
Rarl Kove wasn't comfortable with the soldier sobbing in the hallway, but he understood why he was. This was both the third and fourth Tallest lost in only a century's time. Their leaders were the driving force behind Operation Impending Doom II, and without them the invaders would be lost. They needed a new Tallest, and they needed one now.
"Thank you for your report, Tab," Rarl Kove finally said, "I will go to the Control Brains and have them initiate The Great Measuring at once."
The captain thanked him and went away to mourn. Rarl Kove knew that soon every Irken in the Empire would mourn as well. The Taller Circle would need to hurry up and find out who the new Tallest was before everything degenerated into chaos.
Zim was down in his lab in his home base on earth repairing Gir's arm. Apparently the robot had slammed his arm in the door for no reason and the appendage fell off. Zim had to deactivate Gir for a moment so the crazy little nuisance wouldn't interrupt him while he was working.
Just as Zim was soldering the robot's limb back in place he suddenly received an automatic signal in his PAK. His eyes went wide as he read the message.
To all Irkens in the Empire. Tallest Red and Tallest Purple have been killed during valiant conquest. The Great Measuring has been initiated. All Irkens must report to Conventia to be measured and to witness the coronation of the new Tallest. Nachos and soda will be served after The Great Measuring has been completed. The date and time are listed in your PAK. See you there, [Irken Name Here].
Zim took a few deep breaths and then slumped down on the floor, unable to stand. He didn't know what to feel. On the one hand he was devastated that his Tallests were gone. They had given him the special mission of conquering earth, they had made his robot Gir (though he admitted to himself they probably should've consulted an engineer about Gir's AI), and they awaited his every report with smiles and snickers (for some reason).
Despite his sorrow however, a part of Zim was also excited. Maybe every tall Irken had died and now he could be crowned Tallest. Yes, maybe Zim could rule with a mighty fist of doom and all would appreciate his greatness at last!
He smiled an evil smile then. Yes, he could become Tallest, and soon the universe would belong to Zim!
On Foodcourtia, another Irken was also receiving the news of The Great Measuring in his PAK. This particular Irken was actually tall (unlike delusional Zim) and very stocky. He was wearing the uniform of a Frylord, a position of power in the food service industry in the Irken Empire. He scratched his antennae beneath his little paper hat as be pondered this new information.
"Hey Sizz-Lorr!" His employee, Gashloog, came bursting into his filthy little office, "Did you see the automated transmission?"
"Yeah, I saw it," Sizz-Lorr groused, "And that's Frylord to you, soldier."
"My apologies, my Frylord," Gashloog bowed nervously, "I was just caught up in the moment. I just, I mean...how? How could the Tallests just be...gone? The Massive is the most protected ship in the fleet! What kind of vile alien monsters would kill our mighty leaders?"
"I don't know, but I'm sure the new Tallest will avenge them," Sizz-Lorr snapped, "It's none of our business though. We've got customers, and my break just ended. By the way, did that shipment of Vort dogs arrive on schedule?"
"Yes sir, ready for the fryer, sir!" Gashloog replied in clipped tones as he stood up straighter in respect, "I'll go man the cash register, Frylord."
"Dismissed," Sizz-Lorr waved his hand and watched as the shorter Irken left the room, "The Great Measuring. Pah! Why do I have to go?" Sizz-Lorr then muttered to himself, "I've got 5,000 restaurant locations on Foodcourtia to oversee. I don't have time to go galavanting across the galaxy for this. I'll obey whoever the new Tallest is, but I don't see why I have to leave Foodcourtia to do it."
Sizz-Lorr then picked up a mop and bucket and went out to make sure there were no spills or other messes in his favorite restaurant. Shloogorgh's wasn't the only restaurant franchise Sizz-Lorr was in charge of, but it was the very first one he ever opened. For that reason it was usually where Sizz-Lorr spent the majority of his time, for this place was a reminder to him that his hard work and perseverance had paid off. He wasn't just some fry cook anymore, he was Frylord of Foodcourtia.
The day of The Great Measuring had come. Irken voot cruisers, spittle runners, and large fleet ships orbited the planet and landed in the massive parking areas. Teleporters took the Irkens to the main convention hall, and advertisements hocking souvenirs of the occasion played on loop. Overall it was a frenzied affair.
Zim pushed people out of his way as he struggled to find a seat. He had wanted to go to the control room where candidates would be measured, but they had turned him down because all candidates needed to be at least 30 Irken swaths high before they would even be considered.
Rarl Kove had himself measured first, and then it was his duty to catalogue the other candidates for Tallest. He hoped he would be chosen this time, but he was sure he wasn't actually the tallest Irken there, so he would probably get stuck with another soldier or invader bossing him around. Then again, they'd have to try really hard to be as demanding and ignorant as Red and Purple had been, so Rarl Kove was hopeful at least.
"Name and occupation?" Rarl Kove asked for the hundredth time as the next candidate approached.
"Invader Larb," The next candidate replied professionally.
"Step into the measuring room and onto the platform," Rarl Kove explained, "You will exit through the door on the other side of the room which will take you into the waiting area where they are serving nachos."
"Cool!" Larb exclaimed with a fist pump.
The light on the door went from pink to green, indicating it was occupied. Once it went back to pink Rarl Kove called for the next candidate. This went on for several hours.
"Name and occupation?"
"Smeet caretaker Trilt, sir!" A female with blue eyes shouted.
"Name and occupation?"
"Gift shop merchant Toga," A green eyed male replied calmly.
"Name and occupation?"
"Frylord Sizz-Lorr, sir," Sizz-Lorr rumbled.
"Name and occupation?"
"Massive technician, Hark!" The next candidate replied in an odd falsetto voice.
"Name and occupation?"
"Invader Zim!" Zim replied, and Rarl Kove looked down at his feet to see the tiny invader grinning up at him.
"Seriously, Zim? Quit holding up the line!" Rarl Kove shouted furiously, "Honestly, why didn't Tallests Red and Purple get rid of you while they were still alive?"
Zim was then brushed aside by two guards so that the next actual candidate could be measured. Zim pouted and harrumphed at the haters before stomping back to his seat. He crossed his arms and stewed at being thwarted in his efforts to prove he was taller than the people who were taller than him. Wait...
Most of the spectators milled around the convention hall and bought snacks and trinkets. They knew it would probably be morning before the Control Brain on Conventia announced the new Tallest. The tension in the air had died by the 12th hour, but the importance of the occasion was not lost on anyone. Whoever became Tallest would shape the very soul of the Irken Empire.
It was 16 hours later before Rarl Kove got back up on stage. He was weary from repeating the same questions over and over again. Still, he held himself straight as he set down the data pad that had written on it the Control Brain's assessment. He only hoped their new Tallest would be just as formidable and ruthless as their previous leaders. They might've treated their subjects like dirt, but they crushed aliens under their heel like true intergalactic conquerors.
"Irkens, settle down!" Rarl Kove intoned, and the crowd took their seats, "The Control Brains have transmitted their decision, and now we shall have a new Tallest!"
The crowds cheered even though they didn't yet know who the new Tallest was. It hardly mattered, since this was a crowd of drones that felt lost without their queen bee. Just hearing that their confusion would soon be over was enough to excite them. Rarl Kove waited for the cheers to die down before he continued.
"Alright then, by order of the Control Brains in accordance with the Irken height chart, the new Tallest is..." Rarl Kove scrolled down so he could see the name, "Frylord Sizz-Lorr!"
"What?" Sizz-Lorr exclaimed from backstage.
"What!?" Zim screamed from the third row, "Nooooooooo!"
Rarl Kove looked backstage, a silent request for their new Tallest to appear before his new subjects, and Sizz-Lorr tugged on his collar nervously. He didn't understand what was happening. Fat guys like him never grew tall enough to become Tallest, and there hadn't been a food service worker recoded as a Tallest in over 5,000 years. This had to be a mistake. No way was he really taller than every other Irken alive. Then again, the Control Brains were never wrong. Either way it felt like an error.
Nonetheless Sizz-Lorr was expected to appear on stage to accept his new promotion, so he took off his hat and apron and slowly walked up to the awaiting advisor. Rarl Kove shot him a welcoming smile, and it honestly felt like Sizz-Lorr had been transported to some weird alternate dimension where good stuff happens to ugly people.
"We salute you, Almighty Tallest," Rarl Kove intoned obsequiously as he slightly bowed to Sizz-Lorr.
Sizz-Lorr looked out at the audience, and the entire crowd was wiggling their antennae in salute. Well, every Irken except for one. Zim was too frozen with shock to know how to react. Sizz-Lorr had been a horrible boss and slave driver to Zim when he worked on Foodcourtia, yet now he was Tallest. Everything in Zim's PAK was screaming at him to submit to his rightful ruler, yet a small part of him was truly frightened and angry at this turn of events. Fortunately, Sizz-Lorr didn't see Zim in the audience. He was too dumbstruck by his newfound power and the respect he was getting from his fellow Irkens.
"And now, Almighty Tallest, it is time for your coronation," Rarl Kove said, bringing Sizz-Lorr back to reality, "Surgeon Reg!"
A tall female Irken with a medical bag and a white lab coat came onto the stage as a table lifted up from the floor. Uh oh, Sizz-Lorr almost forgot about this part of the coronation ceremony...
"Greetings, Almighty Tallest," The doctor smiled cheerfully at him; too cheerfully for Sizz-Lorr's taste, "Please place your hands on the inside of the dotted lines and we'll get started."
"I hate you..." Sizz-Lorr grumbled under his breath as he skulked over to the table that didn't even look as sturdy as the tables at his restaurant.
Sizz-Lorr knew refusal wasn't an option at this point. He was the tallest Irken in the universe, therefore he was destined to be leader. He scowled at the doctor as she adjusted his hands to match the handprints drawn on the table, and outright glared when she took out her laser scalpel.
"Recite the oath, my Tallest," Rarl Kove instructed.
"Now?" Sizz-Lorr asked incredulously, "She's about to chop off my thumbs and you want me to recite some stupid oath?"
"You have to recite the oath first, and then Doctor Reg will remove your smallest appendages," Rarl Kove explained.
"Whatever," Sizz-Lorr sighed in exasperation, "I, T-...Tallest Sizz-Lorr," That still sounded weird to him, "Do hereby give myself to the Empire, and promise to serve as a shining beacon for Irkens everywhere. I will crush our enemies, ensure the safety of our smeets, and make decisions in alignment with the unity of the Irken Empire."
"Very good, Tallest," The doctor congratulated him like he was a 5 year old reciting a line in the skool play, "Now, this'll only hurt for a few days."
"A few what!?" Sizz-Lorr shouted in surprise.
With two swift moves the doctor sliced Sizz-Lorr's thumbs clean away, and then she quickly sealed the open wound with a skin graft welder. She wasn't kidding though, it did hurt, but he didn't actually feel it until the wounds were healed. He couldn't help but think that was kind of strange.
"The ceremony is complete," Rarl Kove proclaimed to the audience, "Our new Tallest has been appointed! Long live Tallest Sizz-Lorr!"
The crowd cheered even louder than before now that their Tallest was confirmed. Zim, however, wasn't cheering. He looked up at his new ruler with apprehension and dread. With Sizz-Lorr in charge what would happen to him, and what would happen to his mission? Before Sizz-Lorr was merely his warden during banishment to Foodcourtia, but now Sizz-Lorr had the power to send Zim anywhere. He could end up on planet Dirt or shipping packages in some stuffy mailroom. He could end up in a dimension of pure dookie. He could even be deactivated and erased, forgotten forever!
As Zim went back to his voot cruiser all he could think about was how miserable his life was going to be now, and how much he missed his old Tallests.