Title: Worth it to know you
Pairing: Aurikku
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters
Summary: Rikku can't move on from the past. Sitting on Besaid beach, she tries to figure out why she's trapped in a life she's already lived.
Author's Notes: I didn't have a Beta for this so all mistakes are mine. I've always wanted to do a story for Auron and Rikku so i hope you enjoy what i came up with. All feedback is appreciated.
The waves crashed into the sand of Besaid beach quietly. Barely making themselves known to her in the darkness. She sat with her feet in the sand, arms around her knees thinking. It wasn't odd to find her here before daybreak. Not that anyone ever looked. It seemed to Rikku that her life after Yuna's pilgrimage had been just the same as when she was fifteen, almost invisible.
She had always felt out of place on their team. Too energetic, too loud, too full of opinions that didn't match theirs. After she founded the Gullwings she thought that she'd finally found a place that was hers, with a team that was hers. Until she saw that sphere of him. She'd known they would have to show it to Yuna. It wasn't right to keep it from her but she also felt a sense of dread with that. Yuna always overshadowed her.
She tried not to let it bother her, but she was right to be worried. As soon as Yuna joined the Gullwings, it became Yuna's team, not hers. To make it worse there was nothing she could say about it without sounding petty so she kept her mouth shut.
After defeating Vegnugun, everyone, everywhere, had celebrated. Gippal, Baralei and Nooj had re-doubled their efforts to unite Spira under their leadership. Yuna was grateful she had other people to help her take care of the world, and grateful that she had Tidus back again.
As for Rikku… well, she'd faded back into obscurity. Still a sphere hunter, still looking for answers and a path of her own that wouldn't make her feel as if she was competing with the accomplishments of greater women. Yes, she was there for all of it and, the others would say to her, a vital part of defeating Sin and Vegnugun but she didn't feel like she'd found what she was looking for yet.
There was nothing to do but keep going so that's what she did. Place to place, sphere to sphere, growing frustrated when none of it seemed to fill the hole in her heart that had been created on the day of their greatest victory. She came back to Besaid after another years' worth of travelling, after another year of watching the beauty of the world get destroyed by Machina and "progress" and people too willing to cast aside their past and jump into a future full of uncertainty but free from the constant sorrow that used to plague them. Anything to forget the horrors of what had been and too caught up to realise the damage they might be creating now.
After a year of going on her own personal pilgrimage to all corners of the world. Getting hit with memory after memory in each location brings back conversations and feelings she can't shake and will probably remember forever. Some of it was good, some of it was bad but all of it unforgettable.
There were places she liked that would confuse anyone if she told them, like the little strip of land outside Guadosalam where Auron had let her join the pilgrimage to defeat Sin or the steps to the Farplane, her first stop after becoming a guardian.
The little inn in the middle of the thunder plains was also a surprising favourite of hers. She'd overcome one of her greatest fears here. She can still remember the crackle of electricity, the smell of something burning, probably Tidus' hair as he failed in dodging 200 lightning strikes in a row; or the conversation she'd had with Auron when he said it was time to move and all she wanted was five more minutes of fragile comfort. Her first test of strength and courage in her journey to becoming a worthy Guardian.
If she closed her eyes she can still remember that conversation.
She was shivering on the floor, the bright flashing lights and loud cracks from above keeping her frozen in fear. She hated lightning. She told them as much when she explained about her brother hitting her with that spell. As far as she could tell, they didn't care about it, even praised him for knowing lightning works well against water fiends. "Yeah, and people who are covered in water!" she wanted to yell at them.
It was no use, she could feel their stares. Torn between pity and annoyance at the little girl holding up their journey. Vaguely she could hear Auron sigh and start muttering to Tidus.
"She's not going to move unless we do something"
He didn't answer but I could feel him agreeing. She sighed, there was no point pretending anymore. She didn't want to be a burden on them so she lifted her head and told herself to be brave because that's what Pops would do. He wouldn't fear lightning. They were Al Bhed! They were surrounded by electricity daily. It was part of their culture!
"It's not stopping, is it?" She knew the answer of course.
"Don't tell me you were hoping it would?"
She didn't bother answering Auron. Clearly, she thought there was a chance it might or hoped for one at least.
"Fine. Stay here" he said as he left the room.
Everyone followed him out as soon as he said it, not wanting to be left behind, or annoyed at her, she wasn't sure, but it sparked something in her. Her fighting spirit perhaps because the next thing she knew she was tearing into him, or trying too.
"Hey! You didn't have to say it like that you know?"
"You could try and be more comforting or something. You know? Try to cheer me up?"
"You just don't get me at all do you?"
"Hey are you listening?"
Finally, she just got frustrated with herself. She was better than this, she was braver than this!
"I'm not scared! I'm not scared you hear!"
And she ran out after them, only whimpering every so often when the lightning got too close; or stopping for a second when she saw a shadow that looked like a fiend. When she looked up though, Auron was always staring at her as if to say, "You still in this?", and she would square her shoulders, walk a few more steps and immediately cower at the next lightning bolt. Every time though, she would grit her teeth and keep walking.
After they'd stopped under the shelter and Yuna had told them about marrying Seymour and the lightning wouldn't shut up while she was talking sense into her cousin. She'd stormed to the edge of their shelter and yelled at it to just be quiet! She could have sworn she saw Auron smirk at that as if he were amused or impressed with her efforts, but she shrugged it off. It was probably a trick of the light. There was no reasoning with Yuna though so they just kept going. Rikku silently vowing to find a way to end Seymour before he could marry her cousin…
Macalania temple was a favourite of hers too. You never got to see snow and ice in the desert and the temple was beautiful, as was the forest, or it was until it all began to melt. "Progress" they'd said was beautiful. She disagreed. She still remembered when they'd run to the temple after Seymour. After her fight with Brother where Wakka had stormed off because of who she was. How when they'd gotten to the temple, the stupid guard hadn't wanted to let her in and Auron had said that being willing to protect your summoner at all costs is all one needed to be a guardian. She'd felt strong then. She feels weak now.
When Home was destroyed, Rikku couldn't breathe.
She'd kept it together on the bridge, and then promptly ran off to an abandoned storage cupboard at the far end of the Fahrenheit. This was no "Happy festival fireworks Wakka!" she'd wanted to scream at him, but she didn't want to seem like a weak child, so she ran. Crumbling into a ball on the floor she cried, rocking herself back and forth as pictures of the chaos ran through her mind over and over again.
All the people she knew, dead. Her brother Kayakku, dead. Her home, the place she grew up, gone. It was too much. She sat there crying for what felt like hours until a soft hand fell on her shoulder. She looked up in shock and saw Auron, staring at the door sitting next to her. She didn't hear him come in, didn't know how he found her, but she was so grateful he did. He didn't say anything, just kept his arm around her, and they stayed like that until she was able to get up, wipe the tears away and walk back out the door to face whatever came next.
She liked Zanarkand too. It was pretty, ruined buildings and shiny colourful pyreflies. She tried not to think too much about what that meant but there was something about Zanarkand she liked.
Sitting around the fire, the mood was sombre. The fire reflected shadows across their faces, light and dark, beginning and end. This was it, the last stop on their journey. They'd made it to the end of the pilgrimage. Tomorrow they would walk up to the dome, Yuna would receive the final Aeon, defeat sin and die.
She hated every part of that. Everything except the location itself. Zanarkand was a mystery, a direct link to the past, 1000 years ago where this nightmare all started. It was unchanged through time, a monument to its history… and it was beautiful.
She was probably the only one of them that felt at peace here. She couldn't stop imagining what it would have been like to live in a city like this in its prime. Tidus had told them stories of course but stories aren't the same as being there. Auron had told her a few things too, after much pestering. She liked his stories better. They were grounded in facts with just enough embellishment to make them interesting. Yes, she liked his stories better. Sometimes she thinks she likes him more than the rest. Sometimes she thinks she loves him.
Rikku wasn't like the rest of them. She couldn't forget the past, couldn't move on. She didn't know why she was so drawn to her memories. It wasn't good for her, wasn't healthy but here she was again. She sat here every day before daybreak, thinking of nothing but the past until it hit her. What she was looking for was a way back to the one place, the one person who had ever made her feel like she was worth something. A way back to a big, grumpy, red coated guardian in a storage room at the end of the world.
It was the day before the final battle was to go down with Sin. Auron and Rikku found themselves in an old empty storage room on the Fahrenheit. It was still strange to them both, the comradery they had built along the journey to this final battle. They were such an unlikely pair, and few would think they had anything in common, but they quite liked each other's company even if neither would admit it.
They'd learned much from each other over the course of the pilgrimage including a few habits it seemed as she watched Auron pace up and down the room. Not being able to keep still was a trait she was famous for and Auron was usually the stoic one, leaning up against some wall with so much calm and patience in the face of danger or irritating circumstance that it was frustrating for her to watch. Now as she leant against a wall the way he usually did, and he paced the way she usually did, she had to chuckle at the reversal of roles.
Rikku kept her arms crossed, watching him silently, wondering what was bothering him. Apart from Sin and battling Jecht and dying tomorrow… again. Yeah, she was trying not to remember that one. He still didn't know that she knew he was going to disappear. She was trying to forget she knew as well. It was too painful.
She had figured out many things on this pilgrimage that he and Tidus were keeping from them. One of the benefits of being constantly underestimated as "just a kid". She might be young, but she wasn't stupid, she played it to her advantage.
"That's usually my thing, you know" she said teasingly. Then more seriously,
"His Zanarkand is inside Sin isn't it? That's why he can't get back. Not because it's gone but because he's not dead… like you. That's how you got there right? By being made of pyreflies that scatter?"
She still didn't really understand it, but she got the gist.
Auron looked at her in surprise and sighed, defeated he went to sit down against a wall. He brought one knee up to his chest and leaned back, closing his eyes. Things were silent for a while, but she didn't mind. She knows the answer to her question. She can read him well now.
Rikku goes over to join him. She sits so her back is against the knee he has up. Turning her head, she looked at him. He opened his eye and raised an eyebrow at her, but he didn't mind. This is their last night together after all. What good would it do them to push each other away now?
He'd tried of course. She was this bubbling pile of light and energy and he didn't know what to do with that. He'd wanted to get through this journey as quickly as possible, so he could finally rest. As time went on though, he'd managed to find an unlikely solace in her company. She was probably the only one of them he didn't mind answering questions from, the only one he went out of his way to protect. Her presence was comforting for reasons he couldn't explain. Sometimes he thinks he likes her better than the others. Sometimes he thinks he loves her. It doesn't matter now though, he was leaving tomorrow, and he was dead today. All he could do now in the final battle was make sure they lasted long enough to defeat Jecht and make sure Rikku didn't die with him.
She could tell he was getting lost in unpleasant thoughts again, so she decided to lighten the mood by taking his sunglasses and putting them on. Something she's tried to do throughout most of their pilgrimage without any success. He always knew what she was trying to do no matter how sneakily she made her plans. He made a half-hearted attempt to stop her now but relented easily… too easily.
She can tell that the weight of everything is finally getting to him, depleting his energy. There's only so long you can stay strong for before something gives.
She tried to lighten the mood again.
"What? I could be dead tomorrow. At least let a girl know high fashion before then" She playfully smiled at him.
"You're not going to die tomorrow" He frowned.
"You can't know that" She whispers.
The seriousness of the situation settled on them once again. Sadness filling the room like a drowning man trying desperately to breath. One moment getting air with joy, the next getting a mouthful of water you knew would kill you eventually.
"I know. I won't let that happen" He replied sternly
He put his left arm around her chest. Holding her close so her face is resting against his shoulder, comforting her.
She smiled, and they sat like that for a while, lost in their thoughts. She decided to break the silence and started humming. It's something she always does when she's customising their armour. Singing helps her keep focused while she's mixing the items and creating designs. Sometimes Auron joins her and hands her the tools she needs. She thinks he likes it when she sings, she's seen him smile a little from time to time when he thought she wasn't looking.
She starts humming the chorus from a song she doesn't remember the name of with lyrics she doesn't know. A song that's upbeat and the words she is sure are fitting for their current circumstances. It's only twenty seconds long and half way through she nudges him and starts snapping her fingers and he chuckles.
'She's so full of life' he thinks to himself
She laughs sadly with him. Talking quietly now, a comfortable silence settles, and she takes off his glasses to better look at him, folding them neatly in her lap.
"We could just run away you know?" She suggests.
"Where would we go?" He smiles and plays along.
"I hear Baaj is good this time of year. Broken ruins, rain and a creepy Aeon in the basement. It's a dream vacation spot you know" She said grinning.
"I'll book the reservations" He laughed
The mood turns grim again. They know they can't do that.
She finally addresses the elephant in the room.
"You're going to disappear tomorrow, aren't you?"
He sighs again.
"Rikku…" he starts.
She shakes her head saying a silent 'no'. She doesn't want him to say it. She already knows the answer. She brings her hand up to hold his still around her torso, not wanting to ever let go but knowing she'll have to… somehow.
"Thank you" he says suddenly.
"For what?" she smiles sadly. He looks conflicted, like he's having trouble coming up with the right words.
"For… being you. For… making this journey bearable"
She waits, giving him a minute to collect his thoughts and squeezes his hand trying to reassure him.
"I shouldn't have met you. I should have died ten years ago before you even knew of me but I didn't. These last ten years… I'm so tired of fighting; of everything and yet I don't regret any of it. If everything I've gone through these past years, all the challenges and obstacles, the war I've been fighting with myself to fulfil my promises. If all of that led me to you then… it was worth it. It was worth it all to know you."
He looked at her intensely and she smiles sadly, and tears fall down her cheeks. He brushes them away and she kisses his hand and snuggles closer to him. They stay like that for a while, not wanting the moment to end.
An announcement over the P.A warning of turbulence disrupts the silence. The Airship shakes but they hold each other steady, like they've done all throughout Yuna's pilgrimage.
"Everything's gonna fall apart tomorrow. Tidus is going to fade away. Yuna's going to be devastated when she realises. You're going to fade away and I'm… I'm breaking my own heart right now." She chokes out starting to tear up again.
He goes to apologise but she puts a finger over his lips.
"Shh… it's okay. It's like you said. All of it was worth it to know you."
They consider each other's eyes for what feels like an eternity. Each of them thinking that maybe… in another life, in another time, it might have been possible to be together. If he weren't dead, if she wasn't so young. They might have had a chance at a life that was happy… at least until Cid found out about them. Then he'd probably just die all over again. He chuckled, and she looked at him inquisitively. He just shook his head and she smiled.
She snuggled further into his arm and eventually fell asleep, making him promise to be there when she woke up. He was. There was no place he'd rather be.
Sitting on the beach now, Rikku realised that this is what she was running from. She didn't want to deal with this loss. The pain of what could have been is a dangerous thing. It's sharp metal that twists and turns and stabs at your heart until you're trapped and can't breathe. It's acid that burns your throat until you can't scream, and you drown.
She supposed this was why when she used the Samurai dress sphere, it took so much inspiration from Auron's own signature outfit. She would never forget him, he was the bravest warrior she knew. She didn't want to forget him either. He taught her so much. He taught her how to be brave, how to be patient, how to be strong. She would never forget that, but she realised that it was time to start using those lessons instead of running away from them.
Giving up is easy and running from life was a way of tricking herself into thinking she wasn't giving up but now she knew better. Now she knew she had to face that denial and properly move on but not by forgetting her past. Instead she would use it to forge a great future, one where Auron was never forgotten because he was always by her side, giving her strength. One where he could be proud of her and of the role he played in making her the person she was now.
Looking up at the orange rays of light hitting the ocean as the sun came up, she couldn't yet say that she was at peace with everything she had been through, but for the first time since she was fifteen, she felt like it was possible to get there some day.