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Kids Next Door Mission
Operation: J.A.P.A.N.
Just
Another
Peaceful
Adventure...
NOT!
Writing Operatives: Lieutenant Darkton
Original Mission Director: Mister Warburton
Numbuh 692 boarded his blue S.C.A.M.P.E.R. to fly out to remote a KND outpost. He and his pilot, Numbuh 450, made for a spot with a crudely-painted landing sign, and disembarked.
"How long did he say this was going to take?" asked Numbuh 450.
"He didn't," Numbuh 692 replied. "He just said I should go there for something special."
"Well, don't take too long. I don't want to have to work on the Treehouse by myself."
Numbuh 692 scowled. "You're not my mom, you know. I'm the Captain, so don't you go about ordering me around. Besides, you can fight, too. Just because the special order says you can't go on this mission with me doesn't mean you can't go on missions on your own if you want."
"That sounds great! Have fun!" she laughed as she re-boarded the blue S.C.A.M.P.E.R. flew off. She punched a few coordinates into her improvised GPS. "I think I have just the place I want to visit…"
-
Japan. A country of beauty. Pagodas, cherry blossoms, and a wide range of temples were just a few of the many sights to see.
One such cherry blossom tree housed a Kids Next Door Treehouse. But this was no ordinary Treehouse; it was much more high-tech and professional in design, with five towers gathered together and unified by a circle in the center. On the top was a flag with the Japanese character 子, reading "ko", short for "Tonari no Kodomo." Painted on the exterior was the character 京, reading "kyo", meaning "capital." Painted on the towers were Japanese characters for the numbers 1 through 5.
A Japanese girl in a pink and white-striped camisole noted the incoming S.C.A.M.P.E.R.. Commander! Commander! she spoke in Japanese. Someone is approaching the landing pad!
The commander, a boy in a black schoolboy's uniform stepped onto the pad. It's huge! he remarked in Japanese. Prepare the bay!
A Japanese boy in a white t-shirt and ripped denims guided the S.C.A.M.P.E.R. along with another Japanese girl, this time with a vested schoolgirl uniform. Eventually, the vehicle made a complete stop, and when it landed the doorway opened.
Out stepped Numbuh 450 and Numbuh 3, 3 looking more cheerful. "Hi, Japanese Kids Next Door!" she blurted in English. "I luv you!"
"Kuki! Behave yourself!" Numbuh 450 interjected. "You're showing too much emotion. These guys take body language seriously. But I thought you knew that!"
"Oh. I'm sorry!"
Numbah 450 sighed. "You'll have to forgive my friend Kuki. She's like this, despite being Japanese."
The commander stepped out to greet the two. "Good afternoon," the commander said with a very good English accent. "Welcome to Japan. I will be your caretaker. My codename is Ichiban." Ichiban pointed to the girl in the camisole. "This is Yonban, communications officer." He then pointed to the girl in the schoolgirl vest. "That is Niban, our medic." He began motioning to someone else. "And this is…"
"Hei deaa! Hau yuu duuingu?!" said the boy in the white shirt and denims, shaking Numbuh 450's hand heavily. "Ai amu Nanbaa Faibu! Uatsu yoo neemu?"
Numbuh 450 paused. "Huh?"
Ichiban sighed and shook his head. "You'll have to forgive him. That's Goban. He's our vehicle operator. He has an unhealthy interest in American culture."
"Haa? Oddo neemu. Ou uerlu!"
"Actually," Numbah 450 replied, "it's Numbuh 450, but you can call me Megan. And please stop trying to speak English."
"Ou? Aimu sorlii; a;" Sorry.
"Ano kuroi kami no ko wa dare?" asked Yonban.
"Docchi no ko?" replied Ichiban.
Yonban pointed to Numbuh 3. "Ano ko."
"Yonban asked who you were, long black-haired girl."
Numbuh 3 perked up. "Oh, me? I'm Numbuh 3 of the Kids Next Door! My name is Kuki Sanban!"
That's an… odd name, said Yonban in Japanese.
"Why Kuki?" asked Ichiban.
"Umm…" Numbuh 3 hesitated. "I'm not really sure. My mom says it has something to do with the air, see, but the Sanban means…"
"You left a letter out."
"Huh?"
"A letter. You're missing a letter. Another u, to be precise. The way you keep pronouncing it, you're saying 'flower stem'."
"Oh. Okay. I won't forget…but yeah! That's me! Good ol' Kuki Sanban."
Ichiban shook his head.
"So, miss Niban? Do you work here at all?"
Niban spoke softly. "Ai…kanto…spiiku…ingurlishu…"
"Huh? Say that again, one more time?"
"She can't speak English, Kuuki," Numbuh 450 responded. "She's Japanese. They're all Japanese. As far as I can tell, the only people who can speak English are Ichiban and…"
"Mii!" blurted out Goban.
"…him, for looser definitions of the word 'speak'; and what did I tell you about talking in English?"
"Sorlii."
"You'll just have to speak to her in Japanese. You know Japanese, right? You were born in Japan."
"Oh! Okay! I know Japanese really good!" Numbuh 3 said. Good afternoon, two round objects. My name is Third Flower Stem. What time is it? I eat the school with my friends. This book is me. Adios.
There was a very long, very awkward silence.
"Wha-huh?" Numbuh 450 blurted. "What did she say?"
"I'd like to know that myself," Ichiban responded. "Anyway, both of you, I'm willing to give you a tour of my unit's Treehouse. I might as well make you feel at home."
"Okay."
"Yaaaay!" Numbuh 3 shouted. "Free tour! Free tour!"
"Right this way, if you please," Ichiban said, directing the guests to the interior.
Niban's eye twitched. That black-haired girl is really starting to annoy me… she thought to herself.
-
"And this is the hallway to the communications room, where we maintain connections from around the country."
A boy in a red button down shirt and black slacks was speaking to a Japanese businessman. And I need those shipments in three hours. And make sure it's up to date.
Yes sir, esteemed customer, the businessman said.
Thank you. He broke contact.
Sanban? Ichiban called.
"Ooh!" Numbuh 3 perked up. "I think he's talking to me!"
"I am talking to this fine young man over here." Sanban, we have guests. Foreigners, to be precise.
Interesting, Sanban noted. So these are the ideals presented by Goban. Something's not right with the one in brown. She looks like a cartoon character.
Well…umm… "Miss 450…"
"Megan," she corrected.
"…why is it you look like one of our cartoons?"
"Oh, that? I'm an alien. My real form would scare you. This is merely the earliest form I took. I like it so much; I haven't even bothered to change to a more fitting form."
Ichiban relayed the information.
So…aliens exist. And they resemble cartoon characters.
Well, Ichiban continued, I do believe she said it's just because she likes the form best.
Meanwhile, Numbuh 3 talked to 450. "You're an alien?"
"The big eyes and odd mouth were kinda big giveaways, weren't they?" Numbuh 450 replied.
"So why does 692 do weird stuff but you don't?"
"Because your Earthling culture has driven him nuts."
Numbuh 3 paused. "Oh…I'm sorry."
"Don't be. He'll get over it…sooner or later." She then turned to Ichiban. "Excuse me, Ichiban, but I have a question."
"What is it?" he replied.
"Why is your technology so high-tech? We just have to make due with 2x4s."
"Well, we have a contract with Omocha Industries. Perhaps you may have heard of them. We basically pay for all their technology."
"Interesting. Aren't they more likely to be helping the Adult Empire?"
"We do not have a concrete enemy. We are primarily a self-defense force, going after adult villains who violate the Kodomo-Otona Treaty."
"How long have you had this treaty?"
"Six weeks. Still, it's better than the whole year of war we've had to endure."
"You have no idea…"
"Anyway, that basically covers the tour of the base. Now what do you want to do?"
"Well, to tell you the truth, I just wanted to go out sightseeing. What've you got?"
Ichiban smiled.
-
The kids passed by a tori gate, making their way to one of the colossal shrines. "And this, my guests," Ichiban said, "is one of our shrines. We have two big religions in the country; what you're seeing is a Shinto shrine."
"What's the other one?" Numbuh 450 asked.
"Buddhism."
"Question?" Numbuh 3 asked. "What's the difference?"
"It's in the architecture. See that building structure? Notice how its architecture focuses on posts and boards. A Buddhist structure would have a more castle-like appearance. Not only that, in a Buddhist structure, you'd see statues of, well, Buddha."
"…huh?"
"I got it!" Numbuh 450 said. "I…got that conversation."
The kids later sat down and watched a traditional Japanese ceremony. "I think I saw this in a movie once," Numbuh 450 said.
"And that would be?"
"Godzilla."
There was a long pause.
"I'm sorry," Numbuh 450 blurted out. "That was culturally insensitive."
"No, actually, the first one is probably the best one. A classic, like Seven Samurai."
"And Rashomon."
"That's not how I remember it…"
The two continued to watch the ceremony.
"I'm bored," Numbuh 3 said.
"I kind of am, too," Ichiban replied. "Stop number two it is."
-
The next stop was a garden, filled with gorgeous pink flowers. "Whoo…the flowers are so pretty!" Numbuh 3 said.
"Indeed they are," Ichiban said. "They tend to pop up around springtime."
Numbuh 3 continued to admire the flowers, then suddenly her stomach started calling. "Oh no! Bathroom, bathroom, bathroom!" She rushed off to the nearest bathroom.
Ichiban walked over as well. "Are you going, too?" Numbuh 450 asked.
"No, but I have a feeling that if she's as immersed in Japanese culture as I think she is, she's in for a surprise, and I'll be needed," Ichiban replied.
There was a pause.
"Mister Japanese guy?" Numbuh 3 called out.
"Knew it." Ichiban started shouting. "Is it about the hole in the ground?"
"Yeah!"
"That's the toilet. Just pretend you're sitting on an invisible chair."
"Okay!" There was another pause. "Oopsies! I think I missed."
Ichiban shook his head. Suddenly, his communicator began ringing, leading him to answer it. It was Goban. "Hotozon isshou ni ikimasenka?"
"A, ii desu yo," Ichiban replied. "So, who wants to go to an arcade?"
-
The kids arrived at the Hot Zone arcade, guided by Ichiban and Goban. "Very well, then," Ichiban said. "I have three things for you that you absolutely cannot lose." He handed out maps. "This is a map of the arcade. I spent weeks gathering the information together. Match the text you see on the map with the text you see on the cabinet." He held out piles of 100 yens. "Here is your ammo. It's money, and lots of it. This is an equivalent of 1000 yen, good enough for ten games." He then gave the kids cards. "These cards are your keys. They allow you to track your progress within a game. As stated before, it is absolutely essential that you DO NOT lose any of these. Ready?"
"Rletsu GO!" Goban exclaimed.
The kids each went their separate paths. Numbuh 450 came across a karaoke machine titled "Vocal Legend." She put in a coin and randomly selected a song. The machine read translations in roman characters, luckily enough.
"Alright…let's see how good my Japanese is…
I just feel Rhythm Emotion, Kono mune no kodou wa, Anata e to tsudzuiteru So far away…
I have no idea what I'm singing."
Numbuh 3 meanwhile wandered through the arcade aimlessly. Excuse me? said a local to her. Can we play a game together?
"Umm…," Numbuh 3 said, "okay. What game?"
"Ano… Dorlaibu Rlesaa okei?"
"Yeah, yeah!"
"A, sorlii… wato geemu yuu wanto?"
"I said Drive Racer is okay!"
"Demo…Iie wa 'no' Japaniisu."
"Oh, oopsies!"
Can you even speak Japanese?
Yeah, I speak it.
Where did you come from?
I'm American!
"A…gaikokujin desune."
"Is that a bad thing?"
"No, okei! Letsu plei Dorlaibu Rlesaa."
"Okay!" The two wandered off.
Meanwhile, Ichiban was in the middle of a mecha simulator cockpit, with Goban in another one. Unit one! Left route! he said.
Roger! Unit one responded.
The Guntank Close Combat Type Mobile Crawlers moved towards a large collective of enemy Harpy Class Mobile Crawlers. They opened fire on them, destroying two of them. "Teki Gekiha!" the computer said.
Suddenly, Ichiban got a call on his radio. Hello, hello?
"Hi, it's Megan!" Numbuh 450 said on the other end. "I can't think of any good games I want to play. I'm trying to find some ones I recognize, but I can't find any."
"Right now, I'm busy. I don't think I'll be able to help you."
It's a Zaku! Indeed, a Zaku MS1 Mobile Suit showed up to spring a trap.
"Shimatta! You'll have to figure it out on your own Miss 450."
"That's just it, I'm done here."
"Good for you; I'm not!"
Suddenly, the screen blanked out. The Zaku got the better of him.
"Okay, now I'm done." He left the simulator cockpit and tried to find the others.
"Anyplace else you'd like to go?"
"Not really, but I can…" he got a call on his radio again. "Hold on, I have to take this." Hello, hello?
Want to take our guests to the bathhouse? said Yonban.
I can do that. "Miss 450, I think I have a place you might like."
-
The bathhouse was a nice place for one to relax, and this was no exception for 450 and 3. They were already in towels, entering the area. "Wow! It looks so clean!" 450 said.
"I know! It's really pretty-looking!" Numbuh 3 added.
"But who's gonna show us how to work the things? The Japanese bathing system is different from the one back home, you know."
"Then allow me to show you the way around," said Ichiban's voice. 450 started to blush a little, then turned around. Indeed, Ichiban was right there, in a towel himself.
Naturally, Numbuh 450 squealed and started covering herself (oddly like an adult would instead of a child) despite the fact that she was in a towel. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, YOU NAUGHTY KID! THIS IS THE GIRLS ROOM!"
"No, no! It's okay, it's alright!"
"Oh really?!"
"Yeah. Kids under the age of 11 are allowed to go wherever they want. I'm only 9. Besides, it's not like I'm going to be looking at anyone while I'm here."
"Oh…aheh, sorry. It's just…I'd prefer it if there were a girl here."
"I could teach Yonban some English and have her teach you."
"Yeah… that'd be great."
Goban burst in suddenly. "Oorlaito! Rletsu basu!"
Numbuh 450 covered herself again. "Okay, that's where I draw the line!"
It's alright, it's alright, Yonban said. Well, shall I teach you how it works?
"Um…please teach us how the bath works, Yonban."
"Okei!"
The two kids sat down on stools near showerheads, towels removed. Behind Numbuh 450 was a washboard that conveniently covered her backside, so to make up for her lack of long hair to do the same.
"Fasuto, rlinsu. Rlefto hoto uotaa, rlaito korludo."
Numbuh 3 pushed the left button, causing the hot water to flow from the showerhead. She found the experience incredibly relaxing.
"Nekusuto, soopu. No entaa basu yeto." Yonban pushed down on a soap bottle, and began rubbing herself with soap.
Numbuh 3 did the same thing. "This is really different," she said. "I don't think I'll quite get used to it."
Numbuh 450 was already going through the motions. "I dunno, I think I'm already used to it. We have something similar to this back home… on my home planet, that is."
"By the way, Numbuh 450, why are your customs similar to our earth ones-"
"Coincidence!" Numbuh 450 said automatically.
"…what?"
"Coincidence, that's all."
"Why'd ya say that so fast?"
"No reason! So, Yonban, what's the next step?"
"Okei," she said, "nekusuto, towerlu washu." She took the towel and began washing the soap off. The others did the same thing. "Lasuto, entaa basu!"
"But… isn't the point of the bath to get clean?" Numbuh 3 said.
"It's not. It's for relaxing," Numbuh 450 said.
"How did you know that?"
"Lucky guess."
Indeed, the three entered the bath, all three up to their shoulders in water. Ah…warm… Yonban said.
"Gotta say, this trip is really working out," Numbuh 450 said. "I can't help but wonder where Thomas is, though."
"Maybe he's getting lost somewhere," Numbuh 3 said, giggling afterwards.
"Actually, his insanity is odd. He didn't lose any of his real competence. Just his behavior is different."
"So he's still good at fighting and stuff?"
"Pretty much. I'm more wondering how Ichiban is doing."
Ichiban was the subject of people giving him odd looks, asking where his mother was. I think I'm done here, he said.
-
The kids were sitting down on a bench, 450 eating some cup noodles with Ichiban guiding her through the process.
"By the way, Mister Ichiban," Numbuh 450 asked, "you speak English really well."
"Oh, no. It's terrible," Ichiban replied.
"No, you're really good at it. It's hard to find your accent, anyway."
"Well, thank you for feeling that way. I should be able to. I am, after all, the head of international relations."
"That makes sense."
"So now what?"
"I'm not sure. I always wanted to check out a Japanese museum."
"Not a half-bad idea. Let's…" Ichiban's cell-phone rang. "Just a moment." He picked it up. Hello, hello?
This is Sanban. I've grown very impatient. That shipment had better be here soon.
It hasn't even been three hours!
I don't care. We need this if we're going to hope to stop the enemy. Go to their warehouse and pick up that shipment.
I do outrank you, you know.
I'm then to assume you'd just let the enemy get away with attacking us while we're defenseless?
There was a pause. Very well. Ichiban hung up. "Bad news. We need to go to Omocha Industries to pick up a set of supplies. Worse news: I don't know where that is."
"Oh," Numbuh 450 responded, "that's definitely bad. Obviously, I don't know. Kuuki, do you know?"
"Nope!" she blurted. "But we could just ask those nice girls over there." Numbuh 3 pointed at a pair of schoolgirls with orange sailor fukus with black detailing.
"Okay! Always helps."
The two walked off, but Ichiban didn't follow. He was busy studying the girls' appearance. Something about them seems familiar…
Numbuh 3 got to the girl first. Good afternoon! Where's the Thinking Building?
But the girl raised her hand.
"BAKAYAROU, err I mean, YOU FOOL! RUN!" Ichiban shouted.
But it was too late; the girl slapped Numbuh 3 away. "What was that for?"
Why you…!
By order of Tiger Mom, one of the girls said, you are in violation of the rules of Japanese grammar. You are also a dishonorable foreigner, which are not to be let into the country. You are to leave this country immediately or be captured and reeducated.
Transmission Interrupted
"Numbuh 692 boarded his blue S.C.A.M.P.E.R. to fly out to remote a KND outpost. He and his pilot, Numbuh 450, made for a spot with a crudely-painted landing sign, and disembarked." This is intended to give a little bit of continuity. These events happen during my earlier story, Operation DREAMS. Don't bother looking it up, I'm gonna do a new version of it soon.
""Good afternoon," the commander said with a very good English accent." Ichiban is voiced by Ryo Horikawa, who can speak English very well.
""Hei deaa! Hau yuu duuingu?!"" Engrish for "Hey there! How you doing?!" Goban is voiced by Junichi Kanemaru, the voice of Sonic the Hedgehog, who often peppers his speech with Engrish.
""Ai amu Nanbaa Faibu! Uatsu yoo neemu?"" "I am Number Five! What's your name?"
""Haa? Oddo neemu. Ou uerlu!"" "Huh? Odd name. Oh well!"
"Ou? Aimu sorlii; a;" "Oh? I'm sorry; ah;" "Ano kuroi kami no ko wa dare?" Japanese for "Who's that black-haired girl?" Yonban is voiced by Janice Kawaye, who speaks Japanese in at least two roles, Ami of Hi Hi Puffy Ami Yumi and Jenny in the My Life As A Teenage Robot episode Speak No Evil. "Docchi no ko?" "Which girl?" "Ano ko." "That one."
""Ai…kanto…spiiku…ingurlishu…"" "I...can't...speak...English..." Niban is voiced by Grey Delisle, who spoke Japanese in at least two different roles, Mandy in the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy episode My Peeps, and Yumi of Hi Hi Puffy Ami Yumi.
"Good afternoon, two round objects. My name is Third Flower Stem. What time is it? I eat the school with my friends. This book is me. Adios." Kuuki is actually making several common mistakes foreigners make when learning Japanese. First, she uses "Konnichiwa" and pronounces it incorrectly. Second, she uses "Nihon" as in "two round objects," instead of as "Japan." Next, she calls herself "Kuki Sanban" instead of the proper "Sanban Kuuki." Furthermore, she uses "Watashi no namae wa" when the proper action would be to say nothing at all. "What time is it?" is a reference to Red vs. Blue with Donut's grasp of Spanish. For school eating, Kuuki uses the wrong articles. "This book is me" is a phrase I used accidentally once in middle school, showing I'm not perfect. Adios is just funny.
"And I need those shipments in three hours. And make sure it's up to date." Sanban is voiced by Yuri Lowenthal, who also speaks Japanese.
""Well, we have a contract with Omocha Industries." Omocha means "Toy."
"Kodomo-Otona Treaty" "Kid-Adult Treaty"
""Godzilla." There was a long pause. "I'm sorry," Numbuh 450 blurted out. "That was culturally insensitive." "No, actually, the first one is probably the best one. A classic, like Seven Samurai." "And Rashomon." "That's not how I remember it…"" The first Godzilla movie actually is a classic in Japan, but Rashomon is not. As for how Megan knows Godzilla, well, she probably saw it in Thomas' collection, though he never watches it. He could barely get through the opening titles.
""Hotozon isshou ni ikimasenka?"" "Shall we go to the Hot Zone together?" Goban speaks more formally towards his superior officer. ""A, ii desu yo,"" "Yes, that sounds good." Ichiban is also using a formal form, but he's simply polite.
"I just feel Rhythm Emotion, Kono mune no kodou wa, Anata e to tsudzuiteru So far away…"
""Ano… Dorlaibu Rlesaa okei?"" "Umm... Drive Racer okay?"
""A, sorlii… wato geemu yuu wanto?"" "Oh, sorry, what game you want?"
""Demo…Iie wa 'no' Japaniisu."" "But...Iie is no in Japanese."
""A…gaikokujin desune."" "Ah, a foreigner." The word "gaijin" is more commonly used in real life, but is considered rude on TV, so I used the accepted replacement.
""No, okei! Letsu plei Dorlaibu Rlesaa."" "No, okay! Let's play Drive Racer."
"The Guntank Close Combat Type Mobile Crawlers moved towards a large collective of enemy Harpy Class Mobile Crawlers. They opened fire on them, destroying two of them. "Teki Gekiha!" the computer said." This is no particular Gundam series. Just one I made up to cover copyright. Maybe it could even reintroduce Americans to Gundam. I kid, Bandai won't let anything other than the 35 year old 0079 be popular. I kid, they won't even let Gundam enter the US! (Tweet with the hashtag #GundamFTWest and send messages to FUNimation and Sentai Filmworks.) Huh. Where did that come from? As for Teki Gekiha, it means "Enemy destroyed." Why I didn't translate it earlier is something I'll never understand.
"Oorlaito! Rletsu basu!" "Alright! Let's bath!" Numbuh 450 covered herself again. "Okay, that's where I draw the line!" "Okei!" "Okay!" "The two kids sat down on stools near showerheads, towels removed. Behind Numbuh 450 was a washboard that conveniently covered her backside, so to make up for her lack of long hair to do the same." Yes, Loli fanservice. I'm sorry. But at least you don't see too much. "Fasuto, rlinsu. Rlefto hoto uotaa, rlaito korludo." "First, rinse. Left hot water, right cold." "Nekusuto, soopu. No entaa basu yeto." "Next, soap. No enter bath yet." "Numbuh 450 was already going through the motions. "I dunno, I think I'm already used to it. We have something similar to this back home… on my home planet, that is."" If her arm isn't covering her, soap suds are by now. ""Okei," she said, "nekusuto, towerlu washu."" Okay, next, towel wash."
"She took the towel and began washing the soap off." The towels should just about hide any private parts.
"Lasuto, entaa basu!" "Last, enter bath!"
"Where's the Thinking Building?" She's saying "Omoi biru" which does mean "thinking building."