I'm not entirely sure where this came from but I had a lot of fun writing it.
Prologue
Owen: Shit.
Tosh: We could be anywhere.
Owen: Or anywhen.
Tosh: Do you have your gun?
Owen: No. Jack confiscated it because I was taking pot-shots at the pterodactyl.
Tosh: (rolls eyes)
Owen: It looks like London.
Tosh: Like any member of Torchwood will ever be that lucky.
Owen: Pessimist. I'll phone Jack.
….
Owen: No signal.
Tosh: Told you so. It probably isn't London.
Owen: Not our London at least.
Act 1
Owen: I've got us new identities; in case there's another Owen Harper or Toshiko Sato running around.
Tosh: …Ok.
Owen: Are you alright?
Tosh: Yes. It's just…it's very permanent isn't it.
Owen: (clears throat) Well. I'm Brian Slater and you're –
Tosh: (giggles)
Owen: – what?
Tosh: Nothing, nothing, it's just, Brian?
Owen: What's wrong with Brian? My dad was a Brian.
Tosh: You just don't look like a Brian.
Owen: Ugh. That is such a girly thing to say.
Tosh: I'm sorry?
Owen: "You don't look like a Brian." "Oh, he looks just like a Timothy." "She makes a perfect Abigail." It's all nonsense! When you're born you are a small pink, brown or yellow blob just the same as all the other pink, brown and yellow blobs out there. I wasn't born looking like an Owen, it just happened to the name my parents like at the time. I could have just as easily been Brian or Timothy or even fucking Moonbeam!
Tosh: Moonbeam?
Owen: If my parents had been hippies, yes.
Tosh: (full out laughing)
Owen: At the moment you're Katherine but if you want I can change it to Moonbeam?
Tosh: (stifling laughter) No I don't really look like a Moonbeam.
Owen: I hate you.
…
Tosh: Owen?
Owen: Yes Moonbeam?
Tosh: Thanks for cheering me up.
Act 2
Tosh: A safe? You want me to build you a safe?
Simon Ambrose: Yes.
Tosh: A safe.
Simon: Yes.
Tosh: I could build anything you dream of. Anything from any sci-fi or fantasy world you can think of! And you ask for a safe!
Owen: (laughing) And a key, mustn't forget the key.
Tosh: Shut up!
Simon: Well we'll utilise your talents some other time but for now –
Tosh: Oh no. No if you want a safe –
Owen: – and a key.
Tosh: And a key, thank you Brian, I'll make you a safe. But I hope you know how much of a waste this is.
Simon: Because you could do much greater things?
Tosh: No! Well, yes but that's not the main reason.
Tosh: (breathing heavily)
Owen: What's the main reason?
Simon: (winces)
Tosh: The main reason: is that you are just being needlessly dramatic. If someone finds a safe with a strange lock they're going to assume there's something really great inside and steal it. But you know what doesn't attract any attention? Safety deposit boxes.
Because anyone can have one. And there's one key but even if someone found it they'd have a hell of a time finding the right box. And the bank doesn't care, because they know that anything could be in the box; from an old teddy to a bomb. No. One. Cares.
Tosh: Also, Vortex is a stupid name.
Interim
Owen: I'm going to get hideously drunk.
Tosh: There's some vodka in one of the cupboards. May I ask what has brought this on?
Owen: I looked up Owen Harper.
Tosh: Ah.
Owen: Fuck. You knew didn't you?
Tosh: Of course I knew, what do you think I do when you're out spying?
Owen: Crappy TV? Don't try to distract me Tosh. Why didn't you tell me?
Tosh: I knew you'd react like this.
Owen: You didn't know. I might have been really happy for them.
Tosh: Why aren't you happy for them?
Owen: Would you be happy for yourself?
Tosh: I am actually. The Toshiko Sato of this world is living quite happily as far as I know. She has a good job and can see her family whenever she wants to.
Owen: You're disgustingly happy.
Tosh: I do get jealous of her sometimes –
Owen: Hah!
Tosh: But mostly I'm happy to know that in at least one world I'm happy.
Owen: I suppose I'm glad she isn't dead here.
Act 3
Owen: …How in hell did English manage that?
Tosh: I admit, I did sort of think he'd die within the first few hours.
Owen: I wouldn't even have given him that long. We should go, or we're gonna get arrested.
Tosh: (shrugs) It isn't that bad really. At least we won't be dissected.
Owen: I still can't believe that we've been here eight years and there hasn't been a single alien invasion.
Tosh: Maybe this version of earth is hidden somehow?
Owen: More likely that the aliens have just realised how utterly stupid everyone is and decided to boycott it for fear of contagion.
Tosh: (laughs) I'll go pack.
-vwerpswerpvewrps-bwoooo-ooooo-ooo-bwoooo-vwe-rrp
Owen: What the bloody hell was that?
Tosh: (under her breath) Please let it be aliens.
Jack: Close.
Tosh: Jack! (hugs him)
Owen: You bastards! It's been almost a decade!
Gwen: What do you mean? It's been three days at most.
Tosh: Well it's been eight years for us.
Owen: (glares)
Tosh: Don't be so grumpy Moonbeam. I'm sure they've tried as hard as they could.
Jack: Moonbeam?
Owen: I hate you fuckers. Can I have a coffee?
Tosh: I hope this fucks-up Pegasus' system.
Owen: Seconded.
Ianto: Cheers.
Tosh and Owen: Oh, thank God.
Jack: Seriously, what's with Moonbeam?