Remembrance.
"Just as you wished,
I have always loved you."
- Shima, Clannad
Ulquiorra wore a white dress. It wasn't anything fancy. The dress was dull: just a white cloth without any design or even a touch of any other color that just almost reached his knees. It didn't have any sleeves nor did it have a fashionable neckline. It was stupid, and the reason why he was wearing just made it worse, because as a matter of fact, what he was wearing was a hospital gown. Yeah, that's right, he was confined in a hospital and it didn't seem like he would be able to get out of there anytime soon.
The lithe man sighed, leaning his hand and forehead against the large glass window. Oh, how he would give up anything to be anywhere but there. He hated being in a place like this. In fact, he loathed it with every thread of his being, but even the most important person in his life insisted for him to follow doctors' orders. Psh. As if those bastards can save him. He can not be cured, he told them millions of times already! Can't they just accept that? He, Ulquiorra himself, had gotten over it just after a week, so why can't they? It's not like they were the ones directly affected, they were just... inevitable collateral damages.
"Hey," a voice called from behind.
Ulquiorra closed his eyes, and then slowly checked who his visitor was. If it was one of his doctors again, he wouldn't hesitate to send him flying with the annoying clipboard shoved up his ass. They were just milking money from them, and what's worse was that they kept on telling everyone else that there was a chance for recovery even though there really wasn't any. His first doctor, his most trusted one, told him that and that was because his illness was like no other. He hated every time he would see those fake smiles on them, and it hurts him whenever he saw him smile hopefully and happily.
"Grimmjow," he turned around, walking towards his lover who comes visit him everyday with high hopes for his recovery. He tried to tell him the truth so many times, but Grimmjow would always dismiss them along with his pessimistic attitude. The teal-haired man would always arrive with a smirk on his face, sometimes it's a soft smile but most of the time it's a huge, mocking, and annoying grin plastered on his lips. Sometimes he would wonder if his lover was psychotic. Come to think of it, Grimmjow did do a lot of crazy things during their earlier years.
His visitor moved forward, meeting him half through his private room, and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. Things like this happened so rarely, and so Ulquiorra concluded that Grimmjow must've had another talk with the doctors, getting another dose of false hopes. Grimmjow was hardly gentle. He may be sweet and romantic, but the teal-haired man had his own definitions of those seemingly innocent words.
"Why did you come?" Ulquiorra would always ask despite the fact that he already knew the answer, but this time, his lover did not speak. Grimmjow just held him after the kiss and laid his head over his shoulder, swaying a little almost as if dancing. "Grimmjow,"
"God, I love you." Grimmjow muttered warmly on his shoulder.
Yep, he was right. His lover did have his daily dose of doctor's bullshit again.
Later that day, Grimmjow announced that he was going to stay for the night. Ulquiorra did not mind. If anything, he was more than delighted to spend the night with the one he cares for the most. That day, as well, the usually apathetic man broke into nothing but a vulnerable teenager he denied that he was, throwing himself to his lover's arms and thanking God for this chance, until they found themselves on the hospital bed, peacefully sleeping and holding each other's hands throughout the night.
Ulquiorra fell asleep with a smile that night, and Grimmjow couldn't help but point out the beauty of his emerald-eyed possession. But as sudden as it was, he was once again reminded of the impending doom of their relationship.
Grimmjow's hold suddenly tightened.
The doctors have told him and he didn't need to be told twice. Ulquiorra had some sort of a nervous system degeneration disease. Something that resembles the Alzheimer's only that it strikes those who had a trauma that a person could not get over. It wasn't really an illness, but a psychological disorder wherein the brain shuts out memories by itself all too suddenly. The doctors had actually compared it more to having dual personalities, only that the patients of this disorder can not shift from one persona to another form time to time, but will stick with one until the brain decides that it had seen enough and will make another persona. Never was it taken into record that the person goes back to square one or the person who the patient originally was.
Grimmjow tried not to think too much of it. He didn't want to upset Ulquiorra more than he already was, and another reason was that it would make Ulquiorra blame himself for it; thus making the brain's reaction get quicker. He always did his best, did everything he could, and sometimes he hoped his lover would see it and stop making his impossible recovery a topic. Why couldn't Ulquiorra see that it was too painful for him?
"I love you." He whispered before pulling his lover's pale hand to his lips for a gentle kiss. "And I'll fucking miss you so much."
This morning he was told of how weak Ulquiorra was holding out, and it wouldn't be long before his brain finally gives up and decides that it was time to make new memories. The doctors weren't able to tell exactly when, but they said it was expected to happen within the month. Oh, Grimmjow wished he had more time. Next week, tomorrow, or the day after... the pressure was killing him, but there was nothing he could do but wait until it happens.
"...Grimmjow,"
He looked up, meeting a pair of half-closed, deep green eyes. "Sorry. Did I wake you?"
"Yeah... you were... saying something?"
"It's nothing." Grimmjow touched his lover's cheek and smiled a little. "Let's go back to sleep."
"...okay. Good night."
"G'night." He whispered, cuddling closer to the smaller man and wrapping his arms around him. "I'll always love you."
"Grimm..."
"Sh... you're good at making me feel bad, so don't say anything. Just trust me, and don't say anything else. I promise, I will."
The deepness of the night slowly took them away, the weariness in Grimmjow's shoulder soon followed as well. The both of them fell asleep with their arms wrapped around each other, feeling each other's heart through their chest. Within Grimmjow's agitated mind, he wished that there would be more nights like this. There truly was no way to fully see the worth of something until it is doomed to be taken, and now he wished he had treated his lover a lot gentler and expressed his love just like any other person would to his partner.
A single tear ran down Grimmjow's cheek. He was wishing for a lot of good things, but most of all, he wished that tomorrow, Ulquiorra would still know who he was. Actually, Grimmjow's every single today wished for that tomorrow.
The next morning and the many more that followed, the teal-haired man's prayers seemed to have been answered, but that did not mean that he was put off the edge of his seat... the more mornings Ulquiorra smiled at him in reassurance, the harder it was for him to accept the unavoidable outcome of it. The longer it took, the deeper Grimmjow fell in denial that it was really going to happen. One time he found himself talking to the doctors that maybe Ulquiorra was not going to forget, and that his lover might be the first miracle patient that recovered from a supposed irrecoverable disorder. He would shout, scare them and tell them there's hope, but every single thing he said started with a maybe.
Maybe this...
Maybe that...
Maybe he himself was going insane, and Grimmjow simply couldn't accept that sooner or later... his perfect life was going to end. One thing was for sure though, the moment that it happens, he was sure that it's going to hit him as hard as the first time he went through it. He always thought that Ulquiorra having no recollections of his younger years up to his first year in high school strange even when they had been friends years before that, but he never thought it could be this worse.
Who would've thought that the perfect Ulquiorra Schiffer was actually this incomplete?
"I'll always love you." Grimmjow would always say before he sleeps, holding his lover ever so tightly. "I promise."
"I will too." Was Ulquiorra's constant reply, "I will always love you."
More nights were spent like this and more mornings of painful anticipation on Grimmjow's behalf. A month has passed, and still this cycle had not been interrupted, but they knew sooner or later it would come, and so... one day, it finally happened.
"Do I know you?"
Grimmjow stood at the doorway as if his feet were nailed to the spot. He stared at the man sitting on the bed who was holding his lover's favorite book with his eyes as wide as saucers.
"I..." He couldn't find the words to say. Soon he found himself staring down at the white tiles and biting his lip, unsure if it would be best to just turn around and walk away. "S-sorry for intruding. Wrong room." Grimmjow slammed the door shut and ran out of the building.
That was the last time he went to a hospital.
xxx
"No shit!" Grimmjow barked with laughter, clutching his stomach as he hooked his other arm on his albino friend. "That sucker actually said that?"
Five years passed, and now he was a twenty-nine year old man with a good desk job and friends. He had not seen Ulquiorra ever since, but he hoped that he was also doing well with his life. Slowly, he was able to get over it but it didn't mean that the love that he felt had died. Everyday he would pass by Ulquiorra's new apartment, sometimes even their old shared one, hoping to get a glimpse of the emerald-eyed beauty. There were few times that they would pass by each other through the streets, and Grimmjow's eyes would be glued to him while Ulquiorra looked anywhere else but him.
He never did mind though, because again... he had a good life with awesome people, and besides even if he wanted to have things back the way they were, there was no telling if the new Ulquiorra was the one he fell in love with. Maybe the Ulquiorra that he would see walking alone the streets would get disgusted with him, after all, he worked really hard for their relationship to work. Nobody had thought that they could mix, nor actually did he in the beginning.
"'ey, Grimmy," the albino said, his tone getting serious. "Have ya thought 'bout it?"
"I already said 'no', Mashiro," Grimmjow sneered, accentuating the nickname. "Besides, I've already got my hands full with work."
"Sure ya 're. Passin' all the job ta me is drainin' ya like a bitch, ain't it ya bastard? Speakin' of tha', ya haven't made it up ta me fer all those fuckin' fav'rs ya keep on askin' fer. Where's yer pride, man?"
"Next paycheck, I swear."
"Ya always say that. Anyway, won't ya give my Ichi a chance?"
"Drop it, Yukihime."
"Ah, there goes that tone and nickie. Seriously, if ya keep on callin' me that, I'd say yer turnin' down my bro' 'cause yer getting' all gay fer me."
"Dream on, asshole."
Days came and went, and nothing about Grimmjow's life changed. Every morning he would pass by Ulquiorra's apartment, walk past him in the streets, go to work, fool around with his albino friend, go home, and drop by the apartment again before going to sleep. He was fine with how his life was going, and he really had no intentions of changing anything. Maybe he'd get a new love life with a man or a woman, but he doubted that it would be anytime soon. He just wasn't ready to completely let go of the past yet. There were still so many things that he regretted, and so until he gets over all of them, he'd be staying wherever he was... close to the person he loved, and yet so far from his fingertips.
One night, Grimmjow decided to visit their old apartment that he had not gone to for three months. Someone else would probably be living there now as he had not paid for it and came back for so long. He stood outside, watching the silhouette from the window move around the place. The memories he made with Ulquiorra that they kept there must've been all gone by now, thrown to the garbage and then thrown somewhere farther.
He sighed, maybe he should've come and took all their stuff before changing residence. Now he didn't have any proof that they happened, and somehow it made him wonder if they did happen. Maybe he was just dreaming, or he was just an obsessed maniac that formulated stupid stories.
Ulquiorra.
Grimmjow jerked, feeling his phone suddenly vibrating in his pocket. He pulled it out hurriedly, thinking it was work, and then flipped it open. Numbers flashed on his screen without a name, making him sigh and feel frustrated. He had memorized the number already, and it had been calling him for a year now. He answered it once, but nobody ever talked. It was annoying.
"Fuck off." He said to the anonymous caller, and then turned his cell off.
xxx
"Soo..." The albino drawled, hooking an arm on the high divisions of their office desks.
"Shut up." Grimmjow groaned, rubbing circles on his temples. "Don't make me get rid of you, too."
"Bad night?"
"The worst." The blue-haired employee sighed, putting his head on his desk as he let his arms drape in front of him. "I got fucking arrested for visiting our old apartment last night..."
'Our'? the albino raised a brow. Their old apartment?
"...the new owner must've thought I was some kind of an obsessed creep. I just got out."
"Jus'... got out? Ya mean ya haven't bathe?" he wrinkled his nose as Grimmjow simply stared at him in reply, crossing his arms to form a big 'x', and inched away. "That's nasty! Yer so not gettin' anywhere near me until ya do."
"Oh, shut up... it's not like I smell."
"Doesn't mean ya smell nice that yer clean and free of germs, too. No one knows what kind of bacteria ya'v been harboring somewhere on yer skin since God knows when."
"Whatever." Grimmjow leaned back on his chair and lifted his feet to his desk, staring up at the ceiling.
"...Ya didn't say what yer doin' there, bu' it ain't like there's really any need fer ya to." The silver-haired said, "Ya need to get a life... a new life."
"We've already talked about this, Shiro." He sighed, righting his sit. "Besides, I already got a new life."
"Yeah, riiight... one that's borin' and full o' misery! What ya really need is one that can get ya a good lay... an' a bath. Seriously, though... until when do ya intend on keepin' yer pansy promise?"
Grimmjow glared at the albino, "It's not pansy. You just think it is 'cause you haven't fallen in love before."
"Tha' was sooo very gay, Grimmy." Koichi snorted, "Bu', anyway, I'd really appreciate it if ya listen an' trust me on this, 'cause I'm so freakin' tired in listenin' ya bitchin' until my eardrums melt down. So, give my Ichigo a chance already. I'm tryin' to spice up yer life here!"
"No fucking way, asshole. Last time you tried, you had me have lunch with a total freak!"
"Whaaat? Blue an' pink is a good mix."
"It is when you're gay."
"Well, aren't you?"
"Fuck you. That pinky's a total nutcase. It's like some science freak took over his body when I told him that my hair is natural."
"Well, maybe he's just lonely. Ya did mention that he told ya he's all natural too."
"Maybe, but I don't give a fuck. He's insane. End of story."
"What 'bout orange and blue, eh?"
"No."
"Oh, admit it... if Ichi's gay, you'd be all over him right now."
"Shi—"
"Bu' it's a good thing he's straight, ain't he? But really? I've got both of my thumbs standin' with my bestpal screwin' my bro... preferably with me watchin' or even joinin' in."
"Shiro!" Grimmjow growled, locking the albino's head in a deathly grip.
"Oh, yeah, fuck that shit."
xxx
Grimmjow stood at the top of a building, looking at a certain window of the nearby structure. He cradled his face with his hand, contentedly watching his past lover going on about life. Ulquiorra seemed to have gotten better for the past years, and maybe even better than Grimmjow was with himself. He smiled bitterly as he saw the pale man momentarily break his emotionless façade and give out a deep sigh in frustration upon the large stock of papers placed haphazardly by a co-worker by his desk.
Ulquiorra was as beautiful as he had always been, even more beautiful than any other people of the same age. The emerald-eyed man was currently twenty-four, and he was turning twenty-five in a month and a few days. Usually, men at this age have already found a stable relationship with a partner. The only factor that could be hindering a couple from marriage is financial instability. Of course, as hard it was for Grimmjow to accept, Ulquiorra was now like any other man who dreams of a loving wife and happy children. Because of this, Grimmjow began to wonder what Ulquiorra's girlfriend looked like. Could she be more beautiful than Ulquiorra?
That's impossible. He smiled bitterly, watching the raven-haired still. Minutes later, Grimmjow saw Ulquiorra look his way but he knew better than to think any of it. As beautiful as those green eyes were, Ulquiorra had terrible eyesight which couldn't possibly see as far as the distance that there was between them now, but it didn't hurt to dream. He raised his hand and waved lightly at Ulquiorra who was still facing at his direction.
Ulquiorra then looked down, cutting the smile that was gracing Grimmjow's lonely lips, and looked somewhat fumbling with something under his desk. Suddenly, Grimmjow's phone began to ring.
"Tch. Shiro, how terrible can you get?" he grumbled but took out his phone, but as soon as he flipped it open, the ringing ceased and the screen showed that he had missed a call from the same series of numbers that had been contacting him anonymously. "Fuck you." He spat at his innocent phone and turned to look at Ulquiorra again, who, to his surprise, was looking at him again while holding a phone next to his ear.
"You're really good at making me feel bad, aren't you?"
Why must Ulquiorra act as if nothing happened? As if they were not over... and fuck the stupid caller. Grimmjow fisted his hair, sucking air in, and gritted his teeth. He raised his phone back to his ear as if to make the illusion that he was talking to his past lover and tightened his grip on his head enough to pull out a few strands of his hair. Grimmjow bit his lips and shook his head, shrinking into what he had always hated his self of being. He felt so very weak.
"Ulquiorra..." he spoke, his voice breaking. "I miss you... so badly."
And then the tears he had held in for years with all his strength and little sanity that was miraculously left when he lost Ulquiorra from the tips of his fingers five years ago began to fall.
"Just as I have promised... I... I..."
Was it really too much to wish to talk to the one he loved more than his own life one last time?
"...I still love you."
FEN: I found this somewhere in the midst of backing up a hundred of folders in my laptop... and I kind of like it. I even got teary-eyed myself while I was reading this, but maybe it was because of the music I was listening to then? I was listening to Almost by Tamia and Never Again by Justin Timberlake, so I guess that was to be expected? I felt really bad for Grimmy... well, by the way, the degenerative disease, I don't know if there's really such a thing. I cooked it up myself as far as this story is concerned.