Disclaimer: I do not own A Series of Unfortunate Events, just a crazy fan. Note: this fanfic is based off the books, not the movie or TV series.
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There are many terrifying things in this world. Some of these things are found in our day-to-day life, like the dark and spiders. However, the tale of the Baudelaires and the Snickets is a different type of terrifying thing. It should be avoided at all costs.
I should know. I am a Snicket.
There are many more pleasant things in this world, such as kittens, or ice cream, or a cat named Ice Cream. Enjoying one of those things would be a much better idea than reading this story.
Well, it appears you're still here. I guess you can read the story, but be warned.
The Baudelaire's story begins in a mansion owned by their parents Beatrice and Bertrand. However, our story does not begin there. Our story does not begin in its crumbling ashes, an abandoned herpetologist's house, a cliff wrapped in fog, a villa that once produced wood, a school with a dreadful motto, in the penthouse of a tall apartment, nor does it begin in a village dedicated to black birds. This story does not begin in a recently rebuilt hospital, or a carnival, or a tall mountain.
Our story instead begins on the ocean in a boat lovingly named, 'the Beatrice'. Sadly, it was not named after me. Instead, it was named after the mother of the Baudelaires, the love of my uncle and my namesake, Beatrice Baudelaire.
"Violet, your rowing machine is working perfectly!" Klaus said, smiling. He was the middle child and the brother to Sunny and Violet. Klaus was passionate about researching, a word which here means reading everything in sight.
Violet carefully untied the ribbon holding her hair up. "Thanks!" Violet was the eldest Baudelaire, and she was a passionate inventor. When her hair was tied up, the gears in her head were turning as she was thinking up an invention.
Beatrice (that's me, I was there!) cried out happily, before crawling over to the device and clapping her little baby heads on its small heard, halting the rowing machine.
"Beatrice!" Sunny said, smiling. She walked over and began to tickle Beatrice's feet. Beatrice burst into laughter and crawled away. Suddenly, there was a loud clank! Klaus looked over the edge of the boat and found they were balancing on a long metal chamber. Violet quickly tied her hair back up and then looked over the edge next to Klaus.
"It looks like a submarine!" Klaus said, before adjusting his glasses. I am very sorry to tell you that Klaus was correct, and that this was a submarine. It had once been a very useful submarine as well. My uncle has told me many stories about riding this submarine with his friends and colleagues.
Violet took her rowing machine off its mount on the side of the boat and began to slightly move the gears. Then she replaced the oar with a hammer and set it on the prow of the boat.
"Klaus, can you do the honors?"
"Of course." He pulled a lever, which twisted a gear, setting the whole machine into motion. The hammer began to swing up and down, punching a wide hole through the hole. "Inelegant, but it'll do." Violet muttered as she picked up the machine and set it back in the center of the boat.
Then she walked to the mast of the boat and balanced there for a second, undoing the ribbon and tossing it onto the boat. "What are you doing?" Sunny asked.
Violet smiled. "This," and she dived backwards. Klaus and Sunny gasped, and Beatrice laughed. They all looked over the edge of the boat and saw Violet was swimming around the submarine, before finding something small and round. She picked it up and swam back to the top.
Violet climbed back into the boat, sopping wet. In her hands was a VFD symbol. "I think this was a VFD submarine!"
Klaus looked at it. "But which side was it?"
Violet reached into the water and pulled something else out. As soon as it left the water, she realized how heavy it was, and was barely able to read what it said, before dropping it back down into the submarine. Violet frowned.
"What was that?" Sunny asked.
"He who hesitates is lost." She muttered sadly.
Sunny and Klaus's eyes widened. "That was the Queequeg?"
Violet nodded sadly. Suddenly, there was a loud splashing in the distance. "Probably just some fish." Klaus said.
A massive black object roared out of the ocean, flying over them.
You know how some people have an aura of menace? For example, in my uncle's stories about the Baudelaires, he mentioned how the man with a beard but no hair and the woman with hair but no beard had an aura of menace. Well, this black object had one too.
Not only that, but it terrified the Baudelaires. Beatrice began to cry. Violet quickly set back up the rowing machine and pulled the lever, twisting the boat around and then sending it going backwards.
The long black thing was back underwater, but it quickly surfaced in front of them and then curled around them in a large circle, trapping them. A bright green eye glowed.
Suddenly, the beast opened up its mouth and closed it around the Baudelaires. They were expecting the inside of its throat to be much darker and filled with acid. Instead, the Baudelaires were in a cold metal chamber.
At this point in the story, it is nearly too dreadful to continue. The person walking towards them was a person they had hoped to never see again. It was a person who's actions were motivated purely by greed, and a person my uncle has contemplated and known for many years under the name E.
Striding towards them in a long black and green dress resembling seaweed was Esmé Gigi Genevieve Squalor. "Well, well, well. Look what I found." Esmé said, smirking.
The Baudelaires' eyes widened. "How-" Violet was unable to finish her sentence.
"What-" Klaus' words caught in his throat.
"Evivrus?!" Sunny began talking like she had when she was much younger.
Esmé laughed, a high cackle that filled the air. "Welcome to the Great Unknown!" Her eyes narrowed. "Now where is the sugar bowl?"
Violet was finally able to speak after being asked a question. "We don't know!"
The villainess frowned and then grinned evilly. "Okay, let's see if you still think that later!"
You're probably wondering where I am. Well, me being barely a one-year old, I had fallen asleep conveniently under a blanket, so nobody noticed me.
Esmé called out, "Carmelita, get two of the Snow Scouts over here!"
"Oh no," Klaus muttered. The Baudelaires began to hear proud and off-pitch singing, a word which here means "screaming to an imaginary and poorly written tune".
"And my name is CARMELITAAAAAA!" Carmelita Spats sang loudly as she ran into the room while dragging two poor wincing boys by the ear. Carmelita was wearing a hideous bright pink dress under a bright yellow leather jacket. She also had a wide-brimmed straw hat with another, smaller black top hat on top. "Esmé, I brought the cakesniffi- YOU!"
Carmelita let go of the boy's ears and they fell to the floor, rubbing their now red ears. Esmé grinned. "Thank you for the Snow Scouts, my little magician farmer princess couch potato!" Carmelita glared. "I'm a magician farmer princess comedian house decorator!"
Esmé rolled her eyes and then said, "Of course, Carmelita! Thank you for your help! Now go back to doing whatever you were doing!"
Carmelita smirked as she skipped away, waving a black wand.
"Keeping Snow Scouts as servants is very in! Now escort these three orphans to the Torture Chamber!" The Snow Scouts shrugged and then pulled out two long black cylinders that looked similar to shorter and wider batons. They shook them and suddenly the black wand-like objects began to glow.
"These are electrical Stun Wands. Move or we'll have to use them." The Baudelaires began to walk down the hallway, listening to the faint crackle of the Stun Wands.
The Baudelaires ended up in a wide metal room surrounded in doors. Each Baudelaire was ushered into a different room. At this point in the story, not only are the events too dreadful to describe, but I was not there, so I cannot tell you about the torture they managed to endure. Instead, I will tell you about what happened to me.
Beatrice woke up from under her blanket. Very warm, she threw it off and happily waddled off the boat. Nobody else was in the room, as Esmé had left. Suddenly, she heard a scream echo from a hallway, so she followed to the room that it was echoing from and banged her little toddler arms on the door.
The door swung open, revealing a Snow Scout and Violet Baudelaire. Violet was barely wearing anything and the Snow Scout was holding a white-hot iron. Beatrice did not notice the dark red-black mark on Violet's side, nor did she notice Violet's handcuffs shackled to the wall, since the Snow Scout picked her up and cast the iron aside. "How did you get in here?" He said in the annoying voice people use to speak to a baby.
Violet took her opportunity and slid down, carefully prodding the cool end of the iron to send it rolling to her. Then she managed to carefully pick it up with her feet and grab it. Using it's heat, she managed to turn the lock part of her cuffs red-hot so that she could mold them into a wider and flatter shape that the thin iron would fit into.
The cuff broke open and then she burnt open the second one, allowing her to escape her cuffs. The Snow Scout finally stopped focusing on Beatrice and noticed Violet, who was wielding the iron like a weapon. It was only red hot, but she knew it would still burn painfully, so Violet held it like a sword. "Wha-" Violet ripped his mask off and slid it onto her face.
Then she forced him to give her the Snow Scout outfit and left him in there, before pushing a soundproof button. Violet grabbed Beatrice and set her down by the door of the naked Snow Scout and told her to stay there. Then she opened the door of the next room over, which contained Klaus. He was also shackled to the wall and had long, bloody marks across his side.
"No matter how many people torture me, I don't know where the goddamn Sugar Bowl is!" He said angrily. It broke her heart to see her brother like that.
"Hey, Carmelita sent me here. She wants you to get her something while I watch Klaus. She says I'm a pastrysniffer or something dumb like that." The Snow Scout gave her the whip and keys to his shackles and left the room. Violet shut the door and then took off the mask. "Klaus, it's me!" Klaus smiled as she unlocked his shackles, setting him free.
"I hoped you would come and save me! It looks like my hopes came to fruition!"
Violet grinned. "Next we have to retrieve Sun-" In the confusion Violet hadn't realized Klaus was naked.
"Hey, stop that! Go get Sunny!" Violet shook her mind out of the gutter, and went to rescue Sunny. Klaus shook his head. "Man, that was odd, though I probably would've had the same reaction."
Violet found that Sunny was strapped to a table. Next to her was a Snow Scout holding a small wooden tool like a pencil. He poked her expertly with it on the shoulder, apparently on a pressure point since she tensed up and howled. "Carmelita sent me away, and told me to get another Snow Scout, since I was a pastry-smeller or something dumb like that." The Snow Scout handed her the tool and keys to her shackles and then left.
Violet quickly tore off her mask. "Sunny! I'm here to rescue you!" Violet undid the locks and lifted her off the table, before quickly running into the room Klaus was in. Then she quickly left and grabbed Beatrice and brought Beatrice into the room. "Okay, so we are free from the Torture Chambers. Now what?
They all realized they had no plan. The Baudelaires could not leave the Great Unknown because they were in the ocean. "Wait a minute!" Violet said, realizing something. "Kit said that the Quagmires and the Widdershins decided to take their chances! That means they are here too!"
Klaus' eyes widened. "How will we rescue them?"
The three Baudelaires began to make a plan. Right before Violet left to begin the plan, she noticed something. "What will Beatrice do?"
Klaus thought for a moment. "She can be the distraction!" Violet opened her mouth to protest, but then realized Klaus' idea would work well.
The Baudelaires had an ingenious plan. After all, they were bright children, and they were ready to put their plan into action.
The plan stemmed from the belt on Violet's outfit. Similar to Batman's utility belt, it was used to carry various instruments of all sorts, but this one only contained one; the Stun Wand.
Violet would use the Stun Wand to rescue Quigley, and give Klaus their outfit. Then Klaus would rescue Isadora and Violet would rescue Duncan. "This plan should work!" Sunny said happily.
"Yes, I'm sure it will!" A snickering and cruel voice responded from behind them. At this point, I cannot go on, because my uncle's old typewriter is on its last legs of life, a phrase which here means about to fall apart irreparably, and because the story is far too depressing to recount. I'll have to wait until I can get a hold of a new