Disclamer: I own nothing, everything belongs to their rightful owners.
Warning: 7x01 AU Aftermath/ No one dies. Promise.
AN: Have you ever listened to Matthew Gray Gubler reading Edgar Allan Poe's Annabel Lee? I think I got a bit carried away.
To Face The Sun
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It's a split second decision.
Before she knows what she's doing she's in front of Ian and the bullet hits her instead.
Emily stumbles, her knees give in and her body hits the cold ground. Someone is shouting her name, while something warm and wet starts to run down her neck.
She tries to turn her head, tries to catch a glimpse of Ian and Declan. Wants to make sure they're safe. Hopes they're still alive.
But her sight is blurry. Pain shoots through her veins, making her limbs go numb and her eye lids flutter in exhaustion. There are too many voices around her, shouting and screaming. The sound of gunfire still echoing through the night. Emily just wants it to stop.
She closes her eyes, tries to breathe but all she manages are a few raging gasps. Pain grips her chest.
There's a voice right beside her, a voice calling her name. A warm hand around hers and when she opens her eyes she finds Reid kneeling at her side. His face paler than ever, his hazel eyes wide with fear. He's looking down at her, yelling for EMT's. Yelling for help. Grabbing her hand so frantically it hurts. Tells her to stay awake. To keep her eyes open. To fight.
It feels like deja-vu Emily thinks and remembers that yes, she did that before. Not even seven months ago.
Her sight gets blurry again and Reid starts to yell once more. His voice full of panic and Emily wonders if it's really that bad. Wonders where the bullet hit her. She's wearing a vest after all.
She spots a figure behind Reid and when she blinks and her sight clears again, she's looking straight at Ian. Declan pressed against his chest, a confused expression on the boy's face and Emily wonders if he remembers.
Her eyes find Ian's and she watches him nod, thinks she sees him smile. Then he's gone, as well as Declan. So fast she has no idea what has happened. No idea if he had been there in the first place.
Her gaze finds Reid again and she sees the tears on his cheeks, his voice now barely above a whisper while he keeps telling her to hold on. Not to leave him all over again.
He's begging, a hiccuping sob on his lips. He looks lost, so horribly lost and Emily just wants to tell him that she's sorry. That she never meant to hurt him. Never meant to cause any harm.
But instead of words there's only blood and Reid keeps yelling for help and she wonders where everyone else has gone and what happened to Ian and Declan.
Hopes they make it out alive.
Hopes it was worth giving up her own life.
Her eyes fall shut and she just can't open them again. The air seems sucked right out of her lungs and she can't breathe. She feels herself slipping away. And she can't help thinking, that maybe it's time to put a body down into that empty grave.
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She's drowning. Fading in and out of consciousness.
Faces, white walls and bright lights all around her. She feels like screaming. But she can't move.
Waves come crashing down around her, pulling her down into the abyss. She reaches for help, cries out in agony. Blinks. Once, twice. Tries to clear the sight in front of her. But she can't.
She wonders where she is, wonders what happened but everything seems to be a blur. She can't remember.
It's cold and dark and she's freezing and yet it's too hot. The air seems humid and she can't breathe. There's blood, so much blood. She feels it, smells it. She can taste it. And she's afraid.
There's a strange sound somewhere right beside her, an alarm going on and off and she wants it to stop, wants to get up and wants to get out. Wants to know what the hell is going on.
Why can't she remember?
She hears a scream, thinks that maybe it's her own. An unbearable pain tearing her apart, cold fingers clutching at her heart and with that everything changes.
It's silent. The summer sun warming her skin and everything's white and bright and she feels safe. Matthew standing a few feet away from her. A smile on his face.
"Matthew," she whispers. She steps closer, realizes he's holding a baby in his arms.
"We've been waiting for you," he tells her. His hand reaches for hers.
But before she even gets the chance to touch his fingers, she's back in that room. The loud beeping right beside her, hurting her ears. All those voices around her far too loud. The light above her far too bright.
And everything hurts.
"Matthew?" she calls out. "Matthew!" But he's gone. And so is the baby.
It's then that she makes out a single voice. Someone whispering her name. Trying to calm her. It's not Matthew's voice this time, but strangely familiar all the same. Telling her that she's safe.
A warm hand around hers, fingers interlaced with her own.
She wants to open her eyes, wants to know who it is. Who's with her and where is she. But she can't, no matter how hard she tries.
She feels a hand on her feverish skin, soft fingers brushing away her wet hair. Someone humming a lullaby.
It's strange. Surreal. And yet so familiar. And suddenly she knows why.
It's Reid.
And for the first time in months, she feels safe.
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When she wakes up, she's lying in a hospital bed. Moonlight flooding the small room, shadows dancing on the white walls around her.
She blinks a couple of times until her sight finally gets clear and when it does she realizes she's not alone. Someone is holding her hand. And suddenly she's not sure if she's awake at all.
Because it's Reid.
He's sitting on a chair beside her bed next to the heart monitor she's attached to. His head on the mattress with his eyes closed. Sleeping.
Emily tries to remember what happened, tries to remember how she got there but everything's a blur and her head hurts so much she has to close her eyes again.
When she wakes up again she's alone. Sunshine flooding the room, the chair beside her bed gone.
It's Hotch who comes to talk to her first. And all it takes is a look at his face to make her remember.
That landing strip, Ian and Declan. The bullet from Chloe's gun, the one that hit her instead of Ian. Reid staying with her on her way to the hospital, staying with her all night long beside her bed.
Holding her hand. Humming a lullaby. Making sure she's safe.
Hotch sits down beside her, looks at her for a long time, before he tells her that Doyle got away. That he took Declan with him and that they can't find them. That Interpol thinks they already left the country.
He asks her why she did it, wants to know if she tried to get herself killed. Wants to know if she had a deal with Doyle, if she'd helped him to escape.
Emily feels like throwing up. Shakes her head. Tells Hotch no.
And after all it's not even a lie.
She's questioned by Strauss too, as well by the Senate Committee and she gives them the answers she knows they want to hear. Keeps her team out of the trouble she caused.
In the end they're all free to go, even though it's clear the work of her former BAU team will be watched closely from now on and Emily knows it's her fault. She brought this upon them.
It's the reason she tells them no when they ask her to join the team again.
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She's standing on the balcony of her hotel room, staring out into the night when she hears a knock at her door. She's surprised to find Reid standing in front of it.
His hands shoved down in his pants pockets, his long hair falling in his eyes. And Emily realizes that he looks as tired as she feels. She steps back silently, motions for him to come in.
They stand in the middle of her hotel room, Reid with his hands in his pockets. Emily's arms crossed in front of her chest.
It's Reid who finds his voice first.
"Why did you offer your life for his?" he asks her. His hazel eyes searching her face for an answer. And Emily wishes she could give him one. Wishes she had an answer for herself.
And Reid doesn't even know half of the story yet.
She turns away from him, looks out into the darkness. Makes a step toward the open balcony door.
"I don't know," she tells him. Her voice foreign even in her own ears. And she really doesn't.
She watches his reflection in the window pane, his eyes meeting hers and the pain she spots in his takes her breath away. It's her fault. She did this to him.
Again.
And she has no idea how to make it up to him, how to turn back the time. How to take away the pain she caused him, even though it's all she wants.
Before she can stop herself she spins around to face him. Cups his face with her hands and allows her lips to crush against his.
It's not until later, when they're lying side by side on the bed. Clothes scattered all over the room and her hand holding on to his - that Emily realizes she'll never be able to fix her mistakes.
That she'll never be able to make this right. No matter how hard she keeps trying.
She keeps looking out into the night, watches the sky burn. Watches darkness turning into light.
As soon as the morning sun is streaming through the room, kissing their naked skin, Reid calls Hotch and tells him that he's sick. Tells him that he can't work.
They lie side by side on her bed for the rest of the day, Reid's hand around hers. Neither of them looking away, neither of them saying a word.
.
A few days later she's sitting on the Metro right beside him, when he tells her that he wants her to come back to work.
He's holding her hand, hidden behind his bag. Looking straight out of the window, watching the darkness fly by while he tells her that the team needs her. That he needs her. That working at the BAU isn't the same without her.
His eyes so full of love when he turns his head to look at her, that Emily isn't able to say no.
The next morning she follows him inside the building in Quantico like she never even left it in the first place.
She helps catch bad guys all over again, shares secret looks with Reid from the other side of the conference table. The two of them secretly holding hands on the plane ride back after a case out of town.
When they're back in DC, they spend most of their nights in his apartment. Sitting on his couch side by side. Reid reading her stories or playing poker with her all night long.
He shows her how to play chess, dances with her in the middle of the night to her favorite song on the radio or he simply holds her, stroking her hair, whispering Edgar Allan Poe's poems into her ear, until she falls asleep in his arms.
She stops calling him Reid, calls him Spencer instead.
It's different from everything Emily experienced in her life. It's soft and tender, instead of rough. Sweet and gentle. instead of bitter. And she's thinking that this might be love.
It's Spencer who wants to tell the others, who wants to stop keeping it a secret and it's her who doesn't want to. Who's afraid to ruin the only good thing in her life by saying it out loud.
So they don't.
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It's April when she gets the first package. A white box, a plain blue bow. Send to the BAU. A single flower inside of it.
With shaking fingers she takes the flower into her hands, stares at the delicate bloom. Her eyes filling with tears.
And she can't help but wonder how she could have been that stupid. She should have known better, should have known he would come back for her sooner or later. Trying to hurt her just as much as she'd hurt him.
That it wouldn't be enough to spare his life, to offer him a second chance with his son.
She has trouble sleeping and the lack of sleep makes everything else a problem as well. She's nervous and distracted and she starts picking her nails again.
She drinks too much coffee to keep herself awake, tries to hide her hands in her jacket pockets and forces herself to act like a sane person as soon as her team's around. But it's getting difficult.
Even more difficult to hide from Spencer.
She keeps telling him that she's fine, that there's no need to worry. Makes up something about nightmares. And after all it is a nightmare that keeps haunting her.
They're working a case in Texas and she hasn't had a chance to talk to Spencer in days. Due to some conference the hotels are booked and Spencer has to share a room with Morgan, just like she has to share one with JJ.
And Emily just wants this case to be over as fast as possible, so they can go back to DC and hide in his apartment again.
She's in the car with Morgan and Spencer, stares out of the window and fights the urge to close her eyes. They're on the way to the victim's house, but all Emily can think about is sleeping. She fights hard to keep her eyes open, but it gets harder and harder.
She's startled by a sharp pain when she hits her head against the window. Black dots dancing in front of her eyes, while she blinks and sits up on her seat. Morgan looks at her quizzically from behind the wheel, while Spencer keeps asking her if she's alright.
Emily ignores them both. Rubs her fingers against her temples and wonders why she feels like crying.
.
"That's enough, Emily."
It's an all too familiar hand, softly put over hers that makes her stop with her hand midway to the coffee machine.
She blinks, turns around and spots Spencer right beside her. They're in the breakroom of the police station in Austin, Texas. Trying to get the damn case closed so they can head back home.
"You can't even hold your hands still anymore," Spencer tells her so thoughtfully, his voice so full of love, it makes her tremble. She meets his gaze. Knows he's right.
But she needs the coffee to stay awake, needs it to get through the rest of this day. She wants to tell him, but she feels dizzy all of a sudden and her knees give in without warning.
"Emily!" His voice sounds panicked. His hands at her sides to hold her upright.
For a split second Emily gives in. The way he holds her so intimate. Her face buried in the soft fabric of his shirt. And she's so tired she just wants to sleep, wants to allow herself to drift off into unconciousness.
A phone ringing somewhere behind her reminds her where she is and that she's there to solve a case. And she pushes herself out of Spencer's arms immediately.
"I'm fine," she tells him. Puts up one hand defensively, while she fills herself another cup of coffee. "I'm fine, Spence. Really."
She's not sure who she convinces with that.
It's almost ridiculous that she ends up in dark basement with her hands tied behind her back all over again.
How come that she's always the one who ends up hurt?
She almost laughs. But her head hurts and she's feeling dizzy and she just hopes her team will come and find her soon. She's never going back to Texas, she keeps telling herself.
In the end it's Spencer who comes through the door first. His eyes full of worry. He cuts the ropes around her wrists, tells her to lay down until EMT's arrive and Emily just shakes her head stubbornly. Grabs his hand to pull herself back up to her feet and tells him that she's fine.
And she is, she really is. It could have been worse. She could be dead. And she knows he knows too.
She watches him pull off his jacket, watches him as he places it over her shoulders. And she wants to tell him to stop being melodramatic, but before she's even able to start he pulls her into his arms. His lips close against her ear, when he tells her that he loves her.
Tears are blurring her vision, the words he just said to her tumbling from her own lips so easily.
.
Garcia is squealing with joy and at the same time mad at Emily for not telling her earlier, JJ just smiles, Morgan looks confused, speechless for the first time ever and Rossi seems unable to stop laughing. Hotch only shakes his head. Makes them promise it's not going to affect their work. Makes them promise they're never going to ask him for any advice to their private lifes.
And suddenly everything gets easier.
A few weeks later Emily gets a second package and than a third. Both with a single flower. Smelling like summer and sun. Like a long lost time.
The fourth arrives with a phone and a message.
She knows she should call Interpol, should tell Hotch. Should at least tell Spencer about it, but she doesn't.
She can't.
She waits until he calls, agrees to meet him in an abandoned warehouse at the end of town.
"Why did you want to see me?" she asks Ian, when he steps out from the dark. "Why take the risk? I could have told my team."
He looks amused.
"Right," he waves his hand. Shakes his head. "After you saved my life and almost died because of that, I'm sure you just want to get me arrested all over again."
Emily's quiet. He's right.
Of course he is.
"How's Declan," she asks him. Her fingers resting on the gun hiden in her coat.
Ian gives her a smile. His eyes glistening in the dark.
"I'm not going to make him live my life if that's what you asking," he tells her. "If he's old enough, he's free to decide for himself."
For the first time ever, Emily has to admit Ian Doyle managed to surprise her.
"You changed your mind?"
"No, Emily," he shakes his head. "You did."
He steps closer, his blue eyes finding hers. His look so familiar and yet so different.
"Why are you here?" she asks him. Her finger closes around the gun in her pocket.
"I wanted to thank you for saving my life, for saving Declan's. And I wanted to do that in person."
Emily raises an eybrow. "That's the reason you came out of hiding?" she asks, not buying a single word. "How did you even manage to escape?" she wants to know. "Did you plan it?"
He gives her a smile, a smile that makes clear that he had. Emily bites her lip. She should have known.
"I never planned for you to get shot though," he tells her. Leaning casually against the wall behind him. "I wanted to take you with us."
Emily blinks. "You wanted to take me with you?"
"I still want to."
Emily blinks again, not sure if she heard that right. She's searching his face, searching his eyes for the truth. Realizing she's found it. His blue eyes filled with the same honesty like back in Ireland when he gave her that Gimmel ring on the backseat of his car.
When he asked her to spend the rest of her life with him. When he told her that he was Valhalla.
"I can't," she tells him. Shakes her head. Her voice barely above a whisper. "I can't."
It's silent for a long time. His eyes boring into hers.
"You're pregnant," he says as a matter of fact and Emily closes her eyes in defeat. Her hand coming to a rest against her stomach.
She nods. Looks down at her hands.
"It's the boy, the young one with the quirks? Isn't it?"
Emily looks up. Surprised.
"Well it was pretty obvious that he'd been in love with you. Don't you think?"
Emily feels her cheeks flush, tells herself it's just those damn pregnancy hormones running through her veins.
"You could still come with me," Ian suggests. "It could be our child. Just like Declan."
"No," Emily shakes her head. "I can't do that. I can't."
And it's true. She can't. And not just because she's pregnant.
"That night on that landing strip," Ian asks her after a moment of hesitation. "If I'd asked you to come with me, what would you have said?
She's quiet. Unable to give him an answer. Unable to be honest about this. Because being honest means admitting something she can't.
He nods, gives her a smile. Her silence the answer he already expected.
"Goodbye, Emily," he tells her.
And then he's gone.
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Emily gives birth to a baby boy in the middle of June.
It's a warm and sunny afternoon, the whole room illuminated with sunlight.
Spencer sitting on her hospital bed, holding their son gently in his arms. A proud smile on his handsome face. His cheeks flushed, his long hair tousled.
And he looks happier than Emily's ever seen him. His smile enough to make her feel loved.
Henry is hopping up and down beside the bed to get a better look at the baby, JJ's smiling. Morgan's grinning, Garcia's searching websites from her phone, already starting to shop for their newest family member.
Hotch and Rossi stand in the doorway, Rossi saying that he can't help but feeling like a grandfather. Hotch laughs and Jack keeps telling him he wants a baby brother for himself.
With a smile on her lips Emily looks at Spencer and down at her son. The rosy cheeks, the tiny little hands and fingers.
Her dark eyes meeting the baby's, his watching her with curiousity. And Emily can't help but chuckle, aware that she has to deal with two geniuses now.
When Spencer looks up and reaches for her hand, Emily realizes that she'd been able to fix her mistakes after all.
And that this time, she did everything right.
.
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Disclamer: I own nothing, Everything belongs to their rightful owners.
AN: Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read and/or review my stories, that really means the world to me!And a big thank you goes to my wonderful beta reader clairebare! Thank you so much for your help!