Disclaimer: I don't own BtVS, and I don't own "The Virgin Suicides",
but it is an honor to dishonor both of them.
Special thanks to JeannieK75, the best beta this side of, a side of something. She's really good.
Xander stretched out on his bed, inspecting a bag of marshmallows. If inspecting also means gorging on. Rolling over onto his back, he stared up at the ceiling of his room. All over the ceiling pictures of his one, true love were stapled up. He sighed heavily, and began daydreaming. All that was cut short with a knock on the door. "Hello?" He stood up and walked through his impossibly high ceilinged and enormous living room and to the front door, swinging it open to reveal his best friend.
"Hey. Got your pizza." The Dominos delivery person said to the forlorn doughboy.
"Thanks." Xander's puffy cheeks formed a frown.
"Hey, dude, cheer up. I got you your special."
"Pizza with pizza on top." They said in unison. Xander then let the Dominos guy into his laws-of-reason-defyingly-large apartment.
"Why so glum, Xan-man?"
"The girls. I can't get over them. I gotta tell you about them. They were the chosen ones." Cue dramatic piano to lead into the Summers home, "they were… special."
"There was the oldest, Willow/Mary," Xander began, as the visual of the Summers' home cleared into a picture of the staircase, which a redhead bounded down, her jugs _of water_ bouncing as she descended. (For the purposes of this, Willow/Mary Lisbon will now be Millow, or, Wary.) "The second-oldest, Tara/Bonnie," he voiced over as another young lady, with auburn hair and clothes which flattered no one, walked into the kitchen. (For this story, Tara/Bonnie will now be known as Tonnie, or Bara.) "The older middle one, Anya/Therese" he went on, as the young lady with hair color # 234 waltzed into the kitchen looking bored. (For the story, Anya/Therese is now either Aherese or Tnya.) "The youngest, Dawn/Cecilia," Xander continued, as Dawn stomped her way into the kitchen, carrying a fifteen pound bag of hair products with her. (For this story, Dawn/Cecilia will now be either Decilia, or Cawn.) "The middle one, the real special one, that was Buffy/Lux." Buffy Elizabeth Anne Joan Summers-Lisbon entered the kitchen, licking a lollipop, which bared a remarkable similarity to her body. (Buffy/Lux = Bux, or Luffy.)
"Was she special like, um… 'I ride the short bus and have to use circular paper' special?"
"What? No. None of them were- well, Cawn maybe…No, she was special because she was. Now listen, and pass me those doughnuts." The Dominos guy complied and Xander continued.
"They were perfect little girls. All kept in line by their hard line, religious mother and strict and out of touch father." Drusilla poured the girls each a glass of orange juice and a silver cross, wrapped up, of course. Mayor Richard Wilkins III entered, wearing pressed khakis and a cable-knit sweater. He hugged each of his girls before walking out of the kitchen and heading for the garage. Yes, a garage. The girls summarily left the kitchen, forming a line, leaving their mother alone as she lied down on the counter and poured orange juice onto her stomach. They then picked up their engraved combs and walked out the front door and towards the bus stop.
"So they all went to the same school?"
"No. Decilia went to another school."
"She's the 'special one' right?"
"Can I please tell my story?!" Xander shouted. "And hand me that bag of Doritos." He crinkled the bag as his pudgy fingers reached inside. "They were sheltered, they were untouchable. They were the Summers-Wilkins-Lisbon girls."
"Wait, you just said one of the girls, the real bony one, her last name was only Summers, so how-"
"I was building dramatic tension for the surprise introduction of Mayor Wilkins, thank you. God, burst my whole story wide open why don't cha? Goddamnit," Xander shoved a bunch of Baco-Bits into his mouth and continued.
"They were perfect, perfect grades, perfect hair, except for Millow and Aherese. Curly or straight, curly or straight, make up your damn minds, girls. Anyway, they…" Xander's voice faded out again as Sunnydale High University College came into view, and the four oldest Summers-Wilkins- Lisbon girls walked confidently into the school in color coordinated outfits. They each went to their lockers, which were right next to one another, and flipped back their hair simultaneously, knowing everyone's eyes were on the daughters of the mayor. Wary bent down to pick up a book she dropped, letting her gray skirt with blue and pink pleather embroidery graze the ground. Aherese flipped her hair back and it changed into a mauve shade, as she tugged at her sweater. She then turned to Tonnie, whose long, shapeless gray shirt dragged along the ground as she picked out the book for her first class. Bux, her skirt short enough to see the style of her underwear, a vanilla flower pattern, adjusted her leather duster and slammed her locker. All four walked down the hall in perfect control of their surroundings. Even though Millow was shaking and Bara was stuttering incoherently, they had their shit together. The four girls walked past--- Xander, Jonathan, Andrew, and Larry who ogled the girls oggily.
"Wow, if only I could touch one."
"If only we could be a part of them."
"If only they knew how we felt."
"If only I knew where Bux got that jacket."
"Larry!"
"What? Go on honey," Larry yelled out to Luffy, "work the leather!" He jerked his neck around, then walked away, leaving the three boys to imagine life with the Summers-Wilkins-Lisbon girls. The ringing of the bell put to rest their thoughts of sex and food, sex and adoration, and long discussions about the merits of a Star Trek phaser, as they hurried into class.
"Today, class," the laid back teacher began, "rather than teach, I think it would be much more productive if we all just stare at the girls for forty minutes." Everyone stared intently at the four girls. Bara offered a weak smile, then began doing some other classwork. Wary became nervous, and snorted a few lines of coke on her desk to calm her nerves. Tnya began asking the other students for money for the right to stare at her sisters and she, while Luffy just jiggled her nonexistent booby-age and laughed hysterically. The class laughed too, uncomfortably so, as Bux was just so amazingly wild and the rest of the town just didn't know how to react, as she was so daring, and perfect, and could do no wrong, and all of the attention was on her, and the world revolved around her, and if anything happens it was all about her, everything was all about her, because it just was, because she was so unpredictable. Yeah…cool. Everyone stared at Bux, until-
"Oh my god, look! Its Spike/Trip! He's outside, and he looks cool!" All the other students stared outside at Spike/Trip staring inside at Luffy. (Spike/Trip = Strip or Tike.) Luffy looked out the window and curled her finger at him, motioning for Tike to approach. He moseyed out of the shade of the tree into the sun, because for dramatic purposes sunlight couldn't kill him right now. Bux opened the window of the classroom and Strip put his head in and rested his hands on the windowsill.
"What is it, luv?"
"If I could make you come (spell it differently, children) with just one finger, imagine what I could do with a whole hand." Luffy raised her eyebrow and Strip's eyes bugged out, and Bux closed the window on his fingers. She walked back to her desk in time to grab her books and leave class, in the middle of class. No one stopped her because to touch her would be like touching her.
Later that same day the family sat down to a nice evening meal, fixed by Bara after Drusilla began pouring the boiling water into the fish tanks. ('They looked cold,' she had said.) Mayor Wilkins surveyed his children with awe and asked them how their day was.
"Fine. I got an 'A' in science after I created that ounce of angel dust."
"Ok. I received an 'A' in mathematics after I calculated the price of a good hairpiece for my calculus teacher."
"Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-" Millow hit Tonnie on the back, and she continued, "I received an 'A' in-"
"Not public speaking," Bux commented as she carved her initials into the dinner table. B/L E A J S-W-L.
"Bux, don't draw on the dinner table," her father scolded. "Bara, go on."
"My 'A' was for biology. I reanimated a fawn, Millow." At her last word, Tonnie glared at her sister, who was busy laying out her pills for her bedtime.
"Oh. How did you do, Bux?"
"Oh, I had some trouble with my history teacher, but once I hammered my points to him after class, he was able to change my grade." Luffy smiled and winked at her sisters, who tried to look away.
"What do you mean, pumpkin?"
"I told him I would like to be his 'T' n' 'A'."
"His TA? I only thought colleges had that."
"Huh? Its RA, and no, not that. I- he banged me with his eraser."
"Hmm, corporal punishment. Hasn't been-"
"Dad! He put his pencil in my sharpener. He and I did word problems with F and U. My teacher kept me after class and all I got was this stained T-shirt."
"I'm not getting this."
"We had angry butt sex on his desk in order to raise my grade!" Bux stood up and slammed her glass of milk down on the table.
"You seem agitated. Perhaps you are too young for cold milk. We're gonna have to switch you back to warm," Mayor Wilkins sighed. He then turned to Decilia, who appeared to be whispering into her hair. "How was school with you?"
"I went to see the guidance counselor. Then my hair told me to kill the guidance counselor. Then I went to see the psychiatrist. He said that my hair was controlling me. But she- my hair is not controlling me. I am my own person. Hair controlling people is sill-No I will not kill them all!" Dawn yelled at her hair. The rest of the family continued to eat quietly. The meal was finished and Drusilla tried to clean up the plates by dry- humping them. Tnya and Bara took the dishes from their mother and began to clean the kitchen.
The next day the girls were getting ready for school, and as the four older girls walked by the inexplicably-placed-in-the-floor-plan bathroom they saw Dawn screeching at her hair. "No! No! Not now! Get out- Hi guys."
"Say 'hello', not 'hi', ok sweetie?" Mayor Wilkins called up from the living room, where he was planning his takeover of the industrial park in the town to turn it into a mental hospital for the wife.
"Angelfish say 'Surproyse!" Drusilla snuck up behind her husband, who gave her a kiss, then turned to his daughters.
"Ok then, off to work. Girls?" All five young ladies left their home and went off to school. The same routine occurred as yesterday, only Strip was actually in the room.
"I'm bloody ready to Cor be a part of class. I Blimey want to sodding learn." Tike slipped into a seat that Xander was sitting in at the moment and put his feet up on the desk across and in front of him.
"Oh. Do you want to look at my book?" Bux opened her text to reveal numerous pictures of drawings of the two in many different, and some quite painful, positions. "What do you think?"
"You are a bloody freak. Hmm, that one looks intriguing." Tike leaned over the book as the teacher walked down the aisle.
"Strip! What is written all over your book?" he said as he snatched the book from Tike's hands. "Oh my God, whoa. Why did you draw the Quadruple goo-goodango on your textbook?"
"It isn't sodding mine you bloody- um, guy-man."
"Its mine," Bux said demurely, "only, Tike took it and drew all over it, even the pages he hasn't been to before."
"Oh, you're right. Hmmm, that one looks intrigui- Nevermind. Strip, go down to the principal's office immediately. I'll keep the book…for evidence…in my desk…or my car…for safe keeping." Strip pishawed the rest of the class and stormed out of there.
"Stupid sodding blimey cor bitch," Tike muttered under his breath as he sexily saunter-storm-sauntered down the hall, before slamming into a wall of vanilla.
"Hey," Luffy breathily announced.
"But you were-and then-but I- and- you? I'm sodding bloody blimey cor bugger confused." Lux calmed the young man by putting her hand down his pants, to feel his member.
"I'm the star. I can do anything I want." Bux pulled a bouquet of paper flowers from his tight, tight, sperm reducing pants. But because he was undead and all, that didn't really affect him. Because his sperm is dead. Like him. He is dead. Dead, dead, dead. Dead. Finito. Finished. Done. He's six feet under. He's sleeping with the fishes (fish faces don't count, yet) And yet alive, somewhat, sort of.
"I don't understand."
"How about I shake my ass?" Bux shaked her ass and spun in place. "Does that help?" Strip's reply was cut short as the principal approached him and roughly grabbed him by the arm.
"Hey, Principal Giles, you better sodding watch it."
"Oh yes, you're supposed to be British. Don't care. Now get in my office right now before you get a year's detention. Hello, Bux. May I give you a kidney? A part of my liver? A car from the parking lot?"
"No, sir. That's ok. I'm going to be driving stick with Strip latter on."
"Strip? You shouldn't get into a car with that young man. He's a bad influence."
"It's a convertible, but I'm gonna be pulling my own top up. Then we'll gun the engine, and he'll go through my trunk."
"But you don't have a car."
"I know- I- Ugh…I'm going to have wild, unpredictable sex with Tike later on. God, you are all so friggin dense," Lux yelled as she stormed off perfectly.
Later that night, the girls were all tucked into bed, after listening to their mother tell the Bible story of David and the "red rainbow that held kittens in its mighty, hairy, grasp," when a knock was heard on the window. Tike floated parallel to the window, and beckoned Bux to approach him. She got up from her bed and opened the window slowly and quietly, so as not to disturb her sisters, who were already awake. "Shhh, luv. We don't want to wake anyone." "Oh. Ok. So where are we going to have sex?" "Don't you want to talk first?"
"No. I'll talk during, but only dirty pillow talk. Now lets go to have sex."
"Minor bloody problem, Goldilocks. My car's in the shop, and my crypt's being fumigated. So we'll have to-" before Tike could finish, Bux had grabbed him by the collar and yanked him into the house.
"In me, NOW!" Strip stripped his striped shirt off his extremely tight body and then took off his tighty-whities with 'Tike' on the tight elastic band. Bux undressed and hopped onto bed. "Lets go, Brit-bit!"
"Hmm, 'bit'…I should use that."
"NOW! Luffy Require Sex. Acquire now." Luffy lifted Strip up by the neck and threw him onto the bed and went to work. As the covers moved violently around, one could make out the wide open eyes of the four other sisters, clutching their blankets to their necks, afraid to move.
All stayed still in fear, except for Decilia, who stood on the top of the roof, scissors in hand. "I won't let you control me, Vivian," Cawn whispered to her hair, "I'm stronger than you."
"Really? Then why are you trembling?" her hair replied. "Face it, you need me. I'm the brains of the op-"
"No!" Decilia shouted, as she grabbed a hunk of hair and began hacking it off near the roots, "Get off, get off, get off!"
"Oww! You're hurting me you whiny bitch!" Vivian fell onto the rooftop as a nearly bald Cawn looked down at her. "You are all alone now. You know what you have to do."
"I'm free. You don't know- you don't control me," Cawn whimpered. "You're all alone, Decilia. You know what to do." Decilia jumped off the roof of the home and landed on a garden gnome, whose pointy hat impaled her. Drusilla, out for a snack, walked up dragging the mayor's assistant across the lawn and saw her daughter.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The clocks demand payment!" Dru began throttling the gnome, causing the rest of the Summers-Rosenberg-McClay-Jenkins?- Wilkins-Lisbon family to wake up and join their mother out on the lawn.
"Oh my deity!" Bara cried as she ran over to her bald, dead sister, and then to her mother. "Mother is beating up the gnome, I think she's in shock!"
"No, no. You're mother is just being herself." Mayor Wilkins lifted his wife into his arms and carried her inside. "No more having cold milk. See what this does to you? Now go to bed, girls, you have school in the morning."
"Our sister just killed herself on our front lawn in the middle of the night. We cannot go to school in four hours," Aherese stated.
"Well sorry, dears, but you have to. Now get to bed. Everything'll work out in the morning." The mayor led his family back in the house, as a newly freed being cackled from the rooftop.
"Pitiful fools. Soon they will feel the wrath of Vivian!"
"Vivian? Dude, this doesn't make sense." The Dominos guy interrupted before being bitch-slapped by a noticeably larger Xander.
"Silence! Now hand me that tub of mayonnaise- No, not the low-fat, the real mayo, the real mayo!"
The remaining four girls were brought in to the school counselor's office to discuss their feelings about their sister's choice to commit suicide a few hours earlier. "So how do you feel about the past few hours?" the counselor began.
"The hands, the arms, they were everywhere," Wary breathily answered before taking a swig of water.
"I-I-I-I-I-it was terib-ter-teri- bad. Too much nakedness," Tonnie added.
"Um, I'm not sure, but Decilia had a nightgown on when she died. What are you talking about?" The counselor turned to Luffy, who was writhing about in her egg-shaped 70's chair. "Are you still in shock?"
"No, but your chair reminds me of a hole that got filled earlier this morning." The other girls shuddered and slid away from Bux, who bucked her hips and licked her lips as she spoke.
"The hole in your heart left by the death of your bald sister has already been filled?" The counselor kneeled in towards Luffy, who smirked as she carved symbols of death all over the chair with a pair of scissors.
"Yeah, my graveyard had a coffin put in it." Bux laughed.
"You have a graveyard? I didn't know your family already had a plot."
"We never have a plot," Tnya groaned.
"So what are you getting at?"
"I had sex with Strip in my bedroom moments before my sister committed suicide. I haven't shown any sadness over her death, therefore I'm creepy. Acknowledge that now, bitch!" Luffy leapt onto the counselor's lap and held the scissors to his neck.
"You are still in shock. You haven't realized the ramific-"
"Fuck this." Bux left in a huff, pushing past Tonnie and Wary, who had been suggestively stroking each other's hands since the meeting began. Aherese turned toward them and slapped their hands.
"You are sisters! That is just- ewwie!"
"What about Decilia and Bu-"
"N-n-n-n-no, Aherese is right. No se-se-se- suggestive touching." Bara left the room, her non-incestuously-gay sister following behind while pulling curlers out of her hair, in order to get that 'I'm twenty-something but I still think I can pull off the Shirley Temple look!' look. Millow reached for the pitcher of water on the desk, then noticed Luffy, back in the room, waxing the table with her ass, and quickly exited.
A month later, the formal dance loomed on the town of Sounyvale. The girls' father, Mayor Wilkins, allowed his chaste girls to go, on the condition that he helped pick the dates. After a rigorous screening, and numerous roses handed out, Xander, Andrew, Jonathan, and Larry won the Batchel- the chance to go out on a date with the Summers-Rosenberg-McCay- Jenkins?-Wilkins- Lisbon girls. All four boys, dressed in their finest; Xander, a tux with elastic cummerbund and extra pockets for Hot Pockets; Jonathan, a 'Wee Kids' suit; Andrew, and inside-out black Star Wars shirt; and Larry, a sleeveless T with the word 'Diva' glittered on the front. They walked up the steps, past the decaying body of Cawn, and knocked on the door. "Come in, boys, I have some cookies and milk. Warm milk. The girls will be down in just a second," Mayor Wilkins said as he led the four boys into the living room. Andrew then turned to Jonathan and whispered in his ear.
"I hear Luffy goes down in less than a second."
"Dude!"
"What? We always talk about this stuff in private, especially after we stole Cawn's diary."
"I know, you just don't have to cup my ass as you say so," Jonathan whispered as he pushed Andrew's hands off his butt. Andrew drew back, shocked, bumping into Larry, who had turned around to admire the hay on the walls and the bright pink ceiling.
"Hey now, you can always-" Andrew ran into the bathroom before Larry could finish. Xander moved in to remonstrate Larry, but stopped as Aherese, Tonnie, Millow, and Luffy descended the stairs. All dressed in white, they seemed the essence of purity, except Bux, who was stroking the banister in a way that might rub off the finish.
"Well," mayor Wilkins exclaimed, "doesn't everybody look lovely now! Lets get a big picture!" Bara and Xander stood next to one another at the bottom of the staircase, Larry and Tnya vogued at the second to last step, Millow and Andrew fidgeted at the third bottoms step, and Bux groped a very uncomfortable Jonathan on the fourth. "Say 'Where's Faith?'"
"Where's Faith," the group repeated.
"No, seriously, where is she? I'm here, so my slayer has to be here. It just doesn't make sense." The teens, however, had no time to acknowledge the gaping plot hole, and leaping over Decilia's body as they stepped off the porch, walked swiftly towards the car. As they reached the vehicle, Tike approached Jonathan and snapped his neck, as Spike has a chip, but Strip doesn't. Sucks to be Spike.
"Hey," Bux breathily spoke to her new date. "I'm ready to spike you Strip."
"Already bloody did cor Bux. Blimey though sodding I bollocks could bloody well cor do blimey it sodding again," Tike replied as he slipped into the backseat, his leather pants making a squeaking noise on the upholstery. "Didn't bloody do it."
The dance went off without a hitch. People danced, people kissed, people hugged, and Bux and Strip took her virginity away for the ninety- second time. Aherese and Larry seemed to be having a great time, laughing at the poorly dressed people.
"Oh, its so funny to make fun of those without style."
"And you have first-hand experience, honey." Larry gave two snaps and headed off to the bathroom. Andrew quickly followed.
"Hey, where are those two off to?" Xander asked as he walked over to Aherese with Tonnie.
"Probably gay sex."
"You know, it'd be a little bit funnier if you just hint at it, instead of blatantly explaining everything to everyone," Xander pointed out to the young lady with pink-tipped hair.
"Why? You'll just forget if it has anything to do with Bux."
"Bux is different, Luffy is pure." Bara did a doubletake at her date's statement.
"I-um-I-we-I-maybe-I-I-"
"What? What is it Lassie, what is it, girl? Timmy caught in the well again?" "No she isn't!" Bara yelled as she stormed off, "And you know what?" she said as she spun around to meet him face to face, "bacillum ad parvus canis!" A bright, blue light swirled around Xander's crotch area, his eyes became blue, and he let out a gasp. As the blue light dissappated, Xander looked down and saw-
"Dude! She cut off your stuff!"
"I almost wish it were that simple," Xander answered the Dominos pizza guy as he munched on a jar of peanut butter, just peanut butter.
"Huh?"
"Let me tell my story, 'k?"
and saw a dachshund. "I'll see you in the ca-c-ca-ca- automobile."
"She made my wee-wee into a dog," Xander dejectedly stated as he followed his date to the car. Tnya followed as she pulled her hair into a tight bun, wet it with a glass of water, and poured Golden Wheat #534 hair dye into it. As she passed the door Aherese tapped Bux's shoulder, and she got up off of Strip.
"Time to go. I have to go slay things, and drink milk. It makes strong bones."
"Well you can always bloody slay things cor later sodding," Tike confusingly replied.
"No, I have to slay early and then run home to stop my mom from setting fire to the drapes every night at twelve o'clock."
"Why?"
"She says they look like goldfishes when they're on fire."
"No, I mean," Strip said as he stripped his shirt off again, "why do you have to do this, Bux? You have four other sisters-"
"Three."
"Whatever. Listen, why can't we just go one more time in the football field/graveyard?"
"It's a graveyard now?"
"Well, yeah. You've been having so much Tike sex that a lot of people been getting sodding bloody killed. They had to double up." Strip stripped off the rest of his suit and slipped off Bux's sexy slinky slip dress and they slipped out the back door and then did it back door style. Xander, Aherese, and Tonnie waited in the car, impatiently, for the rest of the party. Wary ran to the car frantically, as she had been doing every few seconds.
"Where is Andrew? Where is my date?" Tnya opened her mouth to speak but Bara put her hand over her sister's mouth in a non-incestuously-gay way.
"I'm sure he'll show up soon." Aherese wiggled out of her sister's grasp and leaned over to the window of the car.
"I'll bet he'll be coming any minute now!" As she spoke Andrew, Larry, Luffy, and Strip all approached the car.
"Move over, my legs are killing me," Bux growled as she pushed her way into the back seat.
"So are mine," Larry said as he licked his lips and sat next to Luffy. Andrew entered next, fidgeting wildly. The car ride home went smoothly enough, and the girls slipped into the house alright, until Mayor Wilkins caught them sneaking up the stairs with their dates.
"What are you doing?"
"Sorry, dad," the girls apologized. "We didn't mean to be late, but Bux had to kill some vampires and Xander had to go to 7-Eleven-"
"I needed a Slurpee!"
"And a five pound bag of potato chips? At two in the morning?"
"That's it, young ladies. Go straight to bed. And you, young gentlemen, may never see them again! Oh, and before you leave, have a mint." Mayor Wilkins held out the bowl as he led the young men and vampire out of the door.
For the next few months the girls had almost no contact with anyone, except Bux, who nightly would lure various vampires onto her roof to have sex with them and then stake them, getting rid of the evidence. Millow began living in the tub, and in fact grew gills so she would never have to be away from water. Bara began getting addicted to magic, just for something to do. Tnya went online and canceled all her E-Bay accounts. The parents seemed to have no problem with keeping their children out of school, as normally they never went to class anyway, just walked to and from classrooms. Using phone communication and Bux's vanilla scent glands, they sent messages to and received some from Xander, Andrew, and Larry.
"So what happened to Strip?"
"Who do you think was the first vampire she sexed and slayed?"
"Angel?"
"After him."
"Oh."
One day, during the hot, blazing summer, the girls told the three boys to come over to their home, as their parents were going to the Springfield-Sunnydale dam to try and blow it up. The three young men cautiously approached the house, with Larry watching their backs. They knocked on the back door and Luffy opened it sexily, with her Slayer- strength tongue. "Hi, boys. Wanna come in?"
"Of, of course."
"I'll be ready in a minute, go get the other girls," Bux said with a smile as she walked away from the back door and down the hall. The boys crept through the darkened house, and heard a creaking noise. They walked down the stairs into the basement and saw a horrid sight.
"Oh my god!" the young men turned to where Larry pointed.
"What?"
"This wallpaper, its hideous. Oh snap, we have got to get these people a decorator." The other two blinked at their friend for a while, and turned toward the bar, where they walked into a pair of feet. Aherese's feet. Hung on her own hair, in what seemed to be a styling mishap.
"Oh sweet Jebus!" Xander grabbed Andrew and ran up the stairs, as Larry admired Tnya's death.
"Way to go out in style, bitch," Larry said as he held one arm in his other hand and sashayed up the stairs. He met the other boys in the second- floor bathroom, where Millow's gills, out of water, were giving their last gasps as she died. "Damn!" The three men backed out of the bathroom and ran into the girls' room, where Tonnie had become nothing, shadows, like those South American monks (Whatever!).
"Oh crap. We have to go!" The boys ran out of the house, through the back door and down the porch. As they passed the garage, one could see that Bux was in there, driving stick for the last time. (In an actual car. Perverts.)
"So that's the end?"
"Yeah. They all died."
"But what was the point of telling me, taking that long? I mean, its so friggin straight-forward."
"Yeah, but I ate all the pizzas you had, and I haven't paid for anything. Now get out of my house!" Xander lifted his considerable girth and sumo-ed the Dominos guy out the door. "Ahh, now I can go back to looking at my love." Xander waddled into the bedroom and laid down on the bed, staring up at his one, true love. "Ah, Vivian, why did you have to leave me?"
Finis
Another Disclaimer: Any misspellings are on purpose. It is part of my diabolical plan, to create typos.
Special thanks to JeannieK75, the best beta this side of, a side of something. She's really good.
Xander stretched out on his bed, inspecting a bag of marshmallows. If inspecting also means gorging on. Rolling over onto his back, he stared up at the ceiling of his room. All over the ceiling pictures of his one, true love were stapled up. He sighed heavily, and began daydreaming. All that was cut short with a knock on the door. "Hello?" He stood up and walked through his impossibly high ceilinged and enormous living room and to the front door, swinging it open to reveal his best friend.
"Hey. Got your pizza." The Dominos delivery person said to the forlorn doughboy.
"Thanks." Xander's puffy cheeks formed a frown.
"Hey, dude, cheer up. I got you your special."
"Pizza with pizza on top." They said in unison. Xander then let the Dominos guy into his laws-of-reason-defyingly-large apartment.
"Why so glum, Xan-man?"
"The girls. I can't get over them. I gotta tell you about them. They were the chosen ones." Cue dramatic piano to lead into the Summers home, "they were… special."
"There was the oldest, Willow/Mary," Xander began, as the visual of the Summers' home cleared into a picture of the staircase, which a redhead bounded down, her jugs _of water_ bouncing as she descended. (For the purposes of this, Willow/Mary Lisbon will now be Millow, or, Wary.) "The second-oldest, Tara/Bonnie," he voiced over as another young lady, with auburn hair and clothes which flattered no one, walked into the kitchen. (For this story, Tara/Bonnie will now be known as Tonnie, or Bara.) "The older middle one, Anya/Therese" he went on, as the young lady with hair color # 234 waltzed into the kitchen looking bored. (For the story, Anya/Therese is now either Aherese or Tnya.) "The youngest, Dawn/Cecilia," Xander continued, as Dawn stomped her way into the kitchen, carrying a fifteen pound bag of hair products with her. (For this story, Dawn/Cecilia will now be either Decilia, or Cawn.) "The middle one, the real special one, that was Buffy/Lux." Buffy Elizabeth Anne Joan Summers-Lisbon entered the kitchen, licking a lollipop, which bared a remarkable similarity to her body. (Buffy/Lux = Bux, or Luffy.)
"Was she special like, um… 'I ride the short bus and have to use circular paper' special?"
"What? No. None of them were- well, Cawn maybe…No, she was special because she was. Now listen, and pass me those doughnuts." The Dominos guy complied and Xander continued.
"They were perfect little girls. All kept in line by their hard line, religious mother and strict and out of touch father." Drusilla poured the girls each a glass of orange juice and a silver cross, wrapped up, of course. Mayor Richard Wilkins III entered, wearing pressed khakis and a cable-knit sweater. He hugged each of his girls before walking out of the kitchen and heading for the garage. Yes, a garage. The girls summarily left the kitchen, forming a line, leaving their mother alone as she lied down on the counter and poured orange juice onto her stomach. They then picked up their engraved combs and walked out the front door and towards the bus stop.
"So they all went to the same school?"
"No. Decilia went to another school."
"She's the 'special one' right?"
"Can I please tell my story?!" Xander shouted. "And hand me that bag of Doritos." He crinkled the bag as his pudgy fingers reached inside. "They were sheltered, they were untouchable. They were the Summers-Wilkins-Lisbon girls."
"Wait, you just said one of the girls, the real bony one, her last name was only Summers, so how-"
"I was building dramatic tension for the surprise introduction of Mayor Wilkins, thank you. God, burst my whole story wide open why don't cha? Goddamnit," Xander shoved a bunch of Baco-Bits into his mouth and continued.
"They were perfect, perfect grades, perfect hair, except for Millow and Aherese. Curly or straight, curly or straight, make up your damn minds, girls. Anyway, they…" Xander's voice faded out again as Sunnydale High University College came into view, and the four oldest Summers-Wilkins- Lisbon girls walked confidently into the school in color coordinated outfits. They each went to their lockers, which were right next to one another, and flipped back their hair simultaneously, knowing everyone's eyes were on the daughters of the mayor. Wary bent down to pick up a book she dropped, letting her gray skirt with blue and pink pleather embroidery graze the ground. Aherese flipped her hair back and it changed into a mauve shade, as she tugged at her sweater. She then turned to Tonnie, whose long, shapeless gray shirt dragged along the ground as she picked out the book for her first class. Bux, her skirt short enough to see the style of her underwear, a vanilla flower pattern, adjusted her leather duster and slammed her locker. All four walked down the hall in perfect control of their surroundings. Even though Millow was shaking and Bara was stuttering incoherently, they had their shit together. The four girls walked past--- Xander, Jonathan, Andrew, and Larry who ogled the girls oggily.
"Wow, if only I could touch one."
"If only we could be a part of them."
"If only they knew how we felt."
"If only I knew where Bux got that jacket."
"Larry!"
"What? Go on honey," Larry yelled out to Luffy, "work the leather!" He jerked his neck around, then walked away, leaving the three boys to imagine life with the Summers-Wilkins-Lisbon girls. The ringing of the bell put to rest their thoughts of sex and food, sex and adoration, and long discussions about the merits of a Star Trek phaser, as they hurried into class.
"Today, class," the laid back teacher began, "rather than teach, I think it would be much more productive if we all just stare at the girls for forty minutes." Everyone stared intently at the four girls. Bara offered a weak smile, then began doing some other classwork. Wary became nervous, and snorted a few lines of coke on her desk to calm her nerves. Tnya began asking the other students for money for the right to stare at her sisters and she, while Luffy just jiggled her nonexistent booby-age and laughed hysterically. The class laughed too, uncomfortably so, as Bux was just so amazingly wild and the rest of the town just didn't know how to react, as she was so daring, and perfect, and could do no wrong, and all of the attention was on her, and the world revolved around her, and if anything happens it was all about her, everything was all about her, because it just was, because she was so unpredictable. Yeah…cool. Everyone stared at Bux, until-
"Oh my god, look! Its Spike/Trip! He's outside, and he looks cool!" All the other students stared outside at Spike/Trip staring inside at Luffy. (Spike/Trip = Strip or Tike.) Luffy looked out the window and curled her finger at him, motioning for Tike to approach. He moseyed out of the shade of the tree into the sun, because for dramatic purposes sunlight couldn't kill him right now. Bux opened the window of the classroom and Strip put his head in and rested his hands on the windowsill.
"What is it, luv?"
"If I could make you come (spell it differently, children) with just one finger, imagine what I could do with a whole hand." Luffy raised her eyebrow and Strip's eyes bugged out, and Bux closed the window on his fingers. She walked back to her desk in time to grab her books and leave class, in the middle of class. No one stopped her because to touch her would be like touching her.
Later that same day the family sat down to a nice evening meal, fixed by Bara after Drusilla began pouring the boiling water into the fish tanks. ('They looked cold,' she had said.) Mayor Wilkins surveyed his children with awe and asked them how their day was.
"Fine. I got an 'A' in science after I created that ounce of angel dust."
"Ok. I received an 'A' in mathematics after I calculated the price of a good hairpiece for my calculus teacher."
"Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-" Millow hit Tonnie on the back, and she continued, "I received an 'A' in-"
"Not public speaking," Bux commented as she carved her initials into the dinner table. B/L E A J S-W-L.
"Bux, don't draw on the dinner table," her father scolded. "Bara, go on."
"My 'A' was for biology. I reanimated a fawn, Millow." At her last word, Tonnie glared at her sister, who was busy laying out her pills for her bedtime.
"Oh. How did you do, Bux?"
"Oh, I had some trouble with my history teacher, but once I hammered my points to him after class, he was able to change my grade." Luffy smiled and winked at her sisters, who tried to look away.
"What do you mean, pumpkin?"
"I told him I would like to be his 'T' n' 'A'."
"His TA? I only thought colleges had that."
"Huh? Its RA, and no, not that. I- he banged me with his eraser."
"Hmm, corporal punishment. Hasn't been-"
"Dad! He put his pencil in my sharpener. He and I did word problems with F and U. My teacher kept me after class and all I got was this stained T-shirt."
"I'm not getting this."
"We had angry butt sex on his desk in order to raise my grade!" Bux stood up and slammed her glass of milk down on the table.
"You seem agitated. Perhaps you are too young for cold milk. We're gonna have to switch you back to warm," Mayor Wilkins sighed. He then turned to Decilia, who appeared to be whispering into her hair. "How was school with you?"
"I went to see the guidance counselor. Then my hair told me to kill the guidance counselor. Then I went to see the psychiatrist. He said that my hair was controlling me. But she- my hair is not controlling me. I am my own person. Hair controlling people is sill-No I will not kill them all!" Dawn yelled at her hair. The rest of the family continued to eat quietly. The meal was finished and Drusilla tried to clean up the plates by dry- humping them. Tnya and Bara took the dishes from their mother and began to clean the kitchen.
The next day the girls were getting ready for school, and as the four older girls walked by the inexplicably-placed-in-the-floor-plan bathroom they saw Dawn screeching at her hair. "No! No! Not now! Get out- Hi guys."
"Say 'hello', not 'hi', ok sweetie?" Mayor Wilkins called up from the living room, where he was planning his takeover of the industrial park in the town to turn it into a mental hospital for the wife.
"Angelfish say 'Surproyse!" Drusilla snuck up behind her husband, who gave her a kiss, then turned to his daughters.
"Ok then, off to work. Girls?" All five young ladies left their home and went off to school. The same routine occurred as yesterday, only Strip was actually in the room.
"I'm bloody ready to Cor be a part of class. I Blimey want to sodding learn." Tike slipped into a seat that Xander was sitting in at the moment and put his feet up on the desk across and in front of him.
"Oh. Do you want to look at my book?" Bux opened her text to reveal numerous pictures of drawings of the two in many different, and some quite painful, positions. "What do you think?"
"You are a bloody freak. Hmm, that one looks intriguing." Tike leaned over the book as the teacher walked down the aisle.
"Strip! What is written all over your book?" he said as he snatched the book from Tike's hands. "Oh my God, whoa. Why did you draw the Quadruple goo-goodango on your textbook?"
"It isn't sodding mine you bloody- um, guy-man."
"Its mine," Bux said demurely, "only, Tike took it and drew all over it, even the pages he hasn't been to before."
"Oh, you're right. Hmmm, that one looks intrigui- Nevermind. Strip, go down to the principal's office immediately. I'll keep the book…for evidence…in my desk…or my car…for safe keeping." Strip pishawed the rest of the class and stormed out of there.
"Stupid sodding blimey cor bitch," Tike muttered under his breath as he sexily saunter-storm-sauntered down the hall, before slamming into a wall of vanilla.
"Hey," Luffy breathily announced.
"But you were-and then-but I- and- you? I'm sodding bloody blimey cor bugger confused." Lux calmed the young man by putting her hand down his pants, to feel his member.
"I'm the star. I can do anything I want." Bux pulled a bouquet of paper flowers from his tight, tight, sperm reducing pants. But because he was undead and all, that didn't really affect him. Because his sperm is dead. Like him. He is dead. Dead, dead, dead. Dead. Finito. Finished. Done. He's six feet under. He's sleeping with the fishes (fish faces don't count, yet) And yet alive, somewhat, sort of.
"I don't understand."
"How about I shake my ass?" Bux shaked her ass and spun in place. "Does that help?" Strip's reply was cut short as the principal approached him and roughly grabbed him by the arm.
"Hey, Principal Giles, you better sodding watch it."
"Oh yes, you're supposed to be British. Don't care. Now get in my office right now before you get a year's detention. Hello, Bux. May I give you a kidney? A part of my liver? A car from the parking lot?"
"No, sir. That's ok. I'm going to be driving stick with Strip latter on."
"Strip? You shouldn't get into a car with that young man. He's a bad influence."
"It's a convertible, but I'm gonna be pulling my own top up. Then we'll gun the engine, and he'll go through my trunk."
"But you don't have a car."
"I know- I- Ugh…I'm going to have wild, unpredictable sex with Tike later on. God, you are all so friggin dense," Lux yelled as she stormed off perfectly.
Later that night, the girls were all tucked into bed, after listening to their mother tell the Bible story of David and the "red rainbow that held kittens in its mighty, hairy, grasp," when a knock was heard on the window. Tike floated parallel to the window, and beckoned Bux to approach him. She got up from her bed and opened the window slowly and quietly, so as not to disturb her sisters, who were already awake. "Shhh, luv. We don't want to wake anyone." "Oh. Ok. So where are we going to have sex?" "Don't you want to talk first?"
"No. I'll talk during, but only dirty pillow talk. Now lets go to have sex."
"Minor bloody problem, Goldilocks. My car's in the shop, and my crypt's being fumigated. So we'll have to-" before Tike could finish, Bux had grabbed him by the collar and yanked him into the house.
"In me, NOW!" Strip stripped his striped shirt off his extremely tight body and then took off his tighty-whities with 'Tike' on the tight elastic band. Bux undressed and hopped onto bed. "Lets go, Brit-bit!"
"Hmm, 'bit'…I should use that."
"NOW! Luffy Require Sex. Acquire now." Luffy lifted Strip up by the neck and threw him onto the bed and went to work. As the covers moved violently around, one could make out the wide open eyes of the four other sisters, clutching their blankets to their necks, afraid to move.
All stayed still in fear, except for Decilia, who stood on the top of the roof, scissors in hand. "I won't let you control me, Vivian," Cawn whispered to her hair, "I'm stronger than you."
"Really? Then why are you trembling?" her hair replied. "Face it, you need me. I'm the brains of the op-"
"No!" Decilia shouted, as she grabbed a hunk of hair and began hacking it off near the roots, "Get off, get off, get off!"
"Oww! You're hurting me you whiny bitch!" Vivian fell onto the rooftop as a nearly bald Cawn looked down at her. "You are all alone now. You know what you have to do."
"I'm free. You don't know- you don't control me," Cawn whimpered. "You're all alone, Decilia. You know what to do." Decilia jumped off the roof of the home and landed on a garden gnome, whose pointy hat impaled her. Drusilla, out for a snack, walked up dragging the mayor's assistant across the lawn and saw her daughter.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The clocks demand payment!" Dru began throttling the gnome, causing the rest of the Summers-Rosenberg-McClay-Jenkins?- Wilkins-Lisbon family to wake up and join their mother out on the lawn.
"Oh my deity!" Bara cried as she ran over to her bald, dead sister, and then to her mother. "Mother is beating up the gnome, I think she's in shock!"
"No, no. You're mother is just being herself." Mayor Wilkins lifted his wife into his arms and carried her inside. "No more having cold milk. See what this does to you? Now go to bed, girls, you have school in the morning."
"Our sister just killed herself on our front lawn in the middle of the night. We cannot go to school in four hours," Aherese stated.
"Well sorry, dears, but you have to. Now get to bed. Everything'll work out in the morning." The mayor led his family back in the house, as a newly freed being cackled from the rooftop.
"Pitiful fools. Soon they will feel the wrath of Vivian!"
"Vivian? Dude, this doesn't make sense." The Dominos guy interrupted before being bitch-slapped by a noticeably larger Xander.
"Silence! Now hand me that tub of mayonnaise- No, not the low-fat, the real mayo, the real mayo!"
The remaining four girls were brought in to the school counselor's office to discuss their feelings about their sister's choice to commit suicide a few hours earlier. "So how do you feel about the past few hours?" the counselor began.
"The hands, the arms, they were everywhere," Wary breathily answered before taking a swig of water.
"I-I-I-I-I-it was terib-ter-teri- bad. Too much nakedness," Tonnie added.
"Um, I'm not sure, but Decilia had a nightgown on when she died. What are you talking about?" The counselor turned to Luffy, who was writhing about in her egg-shaped 70's chair. "Are you still in shock?"
"No, but your chair reminds me of a hole that got filled earlier this morning." The other girls shuddered and slid away from Bux, who bucked her hips and licked her lips as she spoke.
"The hole in your heart left by the death of your bald sister has already been filled?" The counselor kneeled in towards Luffy, who smirked as she carved symbols of death all over the chair with a pair of scissors.
"Yeah, my graveyard had a coffin put in it." Bux laughed.
"You have a graveyard? I didn't know your family already had a plot."
"We never have a plot," Tnya groaned.
"So what are you getting at?"
"I had sex with Strip in my bedroom moments before my sister committed suicide. I haven't shown any sadness over her death, therefore I'm creepy. Acknowledge that now, bitch!" Luffy leapt onto the counselor's lap and held the scissors to his neck.
"You are still in shock. You haven't realized the ramific-"
"Fuck this." Bux left in a huff, pushing past Tonnie and Wary, who had been suggestively stroking each other's hands since the meeting began. Aherese turned toward them and slapped their hands.
"You are sisters! That is just- ewwie!"
"What about Decilia and Bu-"
"N-n-n-n-no, Aherese is right. No se-se-se- suggestive touching." Bara left the room, her non-incestuously-gay sister following behind while pulling curlers out of her hair, in order to get that 'I'm twenty-something but I still think I can pull off the Shirley Temple look!' look. Millow reached for the pitcher of water on the desk, then noticed Luffy, back in the room, waxing the table with her ass, and quickly exited.
A month later, the formal dance loomed on the town of Sounyvale. The girls' father, Mayor Wilkins, allowed his chaste girls to go, on the condition that he helped pick the dates. After a rigorous screening, and numerous roses handed out, Xander, Andrew, Jonathan, and Larry won the Batchel- the chance to go out on a date with the Summers-Rosenberg-McCay- Jenkins?-Wilkins- Lisbon girls. All four boys, dressed in their finest; Xander, a tux with elastic cummerbund and extra pockets for Hot Pockets; Jonathan, a 'Wee Kids' suit; Andrew, and inside-out black Star Wars shirt; and Larry, a sleeveless T with the word 'Diva' glittered on the front. They walked up the steps, past the decaying body of Cawn, and knocked on the door. "Come in, boys, I have some cookies and milk. Warm milk. The girls will be down in just a second," Mayor Wilkins said as he led the four boys into the living room. Andrew then turned to Jonathan and whispered in his ear.
"I hear Luffy goes down in less than a second."
"Dude!"
"What? We always talk about this stuff in private, especially after we stole Cawn's diary."
"I know, you just don't have to cup my ass as you say so," Jonathan whispered as he pushed Andrew's hands off his butt. Andrew drew back, shocked, bumping into Larry, who had turned around to admire the hay on the walls and the bright pink ceiling.
"Hey now, you can always-" Andrew ran into the bathroom before Larry could finish. Xander moved in to remonstrate Larry, but stopped as Aherese, Tonnie, Millow, and Luffy descended the stairs. All dressed in white, they seemed the essence of purity, except Bux, who was stroking the banister in a way that might rub off the finish.
"Well," mayor Wilkins exclaimed, "doesn't everybody look lovely now! Lets get a big picture!" Bara and Xander stood next to one another at the bottom of the staircase, Larry and Tnya vogued at the second to last step, Millow and Andrew fidgeted at the third bottoms step, and Bux groped a very uncomfortable Jonathan on the fourth. "Say 'Where's Faith?'"
"Where's Faith," the group repeated.
"No, seriously, where is she? I'm here, so my slayer has to be here. It just doesn't make sense." The teens, however, had no time to acknowledge the gaping plot hole, and leaping over Decilia's body as they stepped off the porch, walked swiftly towards the car. As they reached the vehicle, Tike approached Jonathan and snapped his neck, as Spike has a chip, but Strip doesn't. Sucks to be Spike.
"Hey," Bux breathily spoke to her new date. "I'm ready to spike you Strip."
"Already bloody did cor Bux. Blimey though sodding I bollocks could bloody well cor do blimey it sodding again," Tike replied as he slipped into the backseat, his leather pants making a squeaking noise on the upholstery. "Didn't bloody do it."
The dance went off without a hitch. People danced, people kissed, people hugged, and Bux and Strip took her virginity away for the ninety- second time. Aherese and Larry seemed to be having a great time, laughing at the poorly dressed people.
"Oh, its so funny to make fun of those without style."
"And you have first-hand experience, honey." Larry gave two snaps and headed off to the bathroom. Andrew quickly followed.
"Hey, where are those two off to?" Xander asked as he walked over to Aherese with Tonnie.
"Probably gay sex."
"You know, it'd be a little bit funnier if you just hint at it, instead of blatantly explaining everything to everyone," Xander pointed out to the young lady with pink-tipped hair.
"Why? You'll just forget if it has anything to do with Bux."
"Bux is different, Luffy is pure." Bara did a doubletake at her date's statement.
"I-um-I-we-I-maybe-I-I-"
"What? What is it Lassie, what is it, girl? Timmy caught in the well again?" "No she isn't!" Bara yelled as she stormed off, "And you know what?" she said as she spun around to meet him face to face, "bacillum ad parvus canis!" A bright, blue light swirled around Xander's crotch area, his eyes became blue, and he let out a gasp. As the blue light dissappated, Xander looked down and saw-
"Dude! She cut off your stuff!"
"I almost wish it were that simple," Xander answered the Dominos pizza guy as he munched on a jar of peanut butter, just peanut butter.
"Huh?"
"Let me tell my story, 'k?"
and saw a dachshund. "I'll see you in the ca-c-ca-ca- automobile."
"She made my wee-wee into a dog," Xander dejectedly stated as he followed his date to the car. Tnya followed as she pulled her hair into a tight bun, wet it with a glass of water, and poured Golden Wheat #534 hair dye into it. As she passed the door Aherese tapped Bux's shoulder, and she got up off of Strip.
"Time to go. I have to go slay things, and drink milk. It makes strong bones."
"Well you can always bloody slay things cor later sodding," Tike confusingly replied.
"No, I have to slay early and then run home to stop my mom from setting fire to the drapes every night at twelve o'clock."
"Why?"
"She says they look like goldfishes when they're on fire."
"No, I mean," Strip said as he stripped his shirt off again, "why do you have to do this, Bux? You have four other sisters-"
"Three."
"Whatever. Listen, why can't we just go one more time in the football field/graveyard?"
"It's a graveyard now?"
"Well, yeah. You've been having so much Tike sex that a lot of people been getting sodding bloody killed. They had to double up." Strip stripped off the rest of his suit and slipped off Bux's sexy slinky slip dress and they slipped out the back door and then did it back door style. Xander, Aherese, and Tonnie waited in the car, impatiently, for the rest of the party. Wary ran to the car frantically, as she had been doing every few seconds.
"Where is Andrew? Where is my date?" Tnya opened her mouth to speak but Bara put her hand over her sister's mouth in a non-incestuously-gay way.
"I'm sure he'll show up soon." Aherese wiggled out of her sister's grasp and leaned over to the window of the car.
"I'll bet he'll be coming any minute now!" As she spoke Andrew, Larry, Luffy, and Strip all approached the car.
"Move over, my legs are killing me," Bux growled as she pushed her way into the back seat.
"So are mine," Larry said as he licked his lips and sat next to Luffy. Andrew entered next, fidgeting wildly. The car ride home went smoothly enough, and the girls slipped into the house alright, until Mayor Wilkins caught them sneaking up the stairs with their dates.
"What are you doing?"
"Sorry, dad," the girls apologized. "We didn't mean to be late, but Bux had to kill some vampires and Xander had to go to 7-Eleven-"
"I needed a Slurpee!"
"And a five pound bag of potato chips? At two in the morning?"
"That's it, young ladies. Go straight to bed. And you, young gentlemen, may never see them again! Oh, and before you leave, have a mint." Mayor Wilkins held out the bowl as he led the young men and vampire out of the door.
For the next few months the girls had almost no contact with anyone, except Bux, who nightly would lure various vampires onto her roof to have sex with them and then stake them, getting rid of the evidence. Millow began living in the tub, and in fact grew gills so she would never have to be away from water. Bara began getting addicted to magic, just for something to do. Tnya went online and canceled all her E-Bay accounts. The parents seemed to have no problem with keeping their children out of school, as normally they never went to class anyway, just walked to and from classrooms. Using phone communication and Bux's vanilla scent glands, they sent messages to and received some from Xander, Andrew, and Larry.
"So what happened to Strip?"
"Who do you think was the first vampire she sexed and slayed?"
"Angel?"
"After him."
"Oh."
One day, during the hot, blazing summer, the girls told the three boys to come over to their home, as their parents were going to the Springfield-Sunnydale dam to try and blow it up. The three young men cautiously approached the house, with Larry watching their backs. They knocked on the back door and Luffy opened it sexily, with her Slayer- strength tongue. "Hi, boys. Wanna come in?"
"Of, of course."
"I'll be ready in a minute, go get the other girls," Bux said with a smile as she walked away from the back door and down the hall. The boys crept through the darkened house, and heard a creaking noise. They walked down the stairs into the basement and saw a horrid sight.
"Oh my god!" the young men turned to where Larry pointed.
"What?"
"This wallpaper, its hideous. Oh snap, we have got to get these people a decorator." The other two blinked at their friend for a while, and turned toward the bar, where they walked into a pair of feet. Aherese's feet. Hung on her own hair, in what seemed to be a styling mishap.
"Oh sweet Jebus!" Xander grabbed Andrew and ran up the stairs, as Larry admired Tnya's death.
"Way to go out in style, bitch," Larry said as he held one arm in his other hand and sashayed up the stairs. He met the other boys in the second- floor bathroom, where Millow's gills, out of water, were giving their last gasps as she died. "Damn!" The three men backed out of the bathroom and ran into the girls' room, where Tonnie had become nothing, shadows, like those South American monks (Whatever!).
"Oh crap. We have to go!" The boys ran out of the house, through the back door and down the porch. As they passed the garage, one could see that Bux was in there, driving stick for the last time. (In an actual car. Perverts.)
"So that's the end?"
"Yeah. They all died."
"But what was the point of telling me, taking that long? I mean, its so friggin straight-forward."
"Yeah, but I ate all the pizzas you had, and I haven't paid for anything. Now get out of my house!" Xander lifted his considerable girth and sumo-ed the Dominos guy out the door. "Ahh, now I can go back to looking at my love." Xander waddled into the bedroom and laid down on the bed, staring up at his one, true love. "Ah, Vivian, why did you have to leave me?"
Finis
Another Disclaimer: Any misspellings are on purpose. It is part of my diabolical plan, to create typos.