This is Not a Harem Comedy
A Shaman King fanfic by Setsumi-san
Disclaimer: Mankin belongs to the great and mighty Mr. Takei. I'm just playing dolls with his characters. I do not, never have, and never will plan to make any money off this fanfic.
Summary: Surprisingly, the hardest part of being a samurai wasn't the battles. It was the four crazy suitors who had vowed to win his heart by next spring. Will he choose the hot-tempered priestess, the cute but ditzy cook, the heiress who longs to see the outside world, or the seductive older woman?
Author's Note: Yeah, I know there are a lot of anachronisms. Hey, that's why it's called a comedy. Enjoy the crack!
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A handsome and talented young samurai named Amidamaru slipped and nearly broke his tailbone on the slick wooden bathroom floor when he found the palace cook waiting for him in the shower that morning. He quickly regained his composure and sighed exasperatedly. Thank goodness he'd only been shirtless. She always popped out of nowhere and smothered him with affection. It used to be flattering, but things had gotten a little creepy after she asked him what their children's names should be.
The cook, whose name was Yukari, was just one of his countless recent romantic troubles. The samurai life had perks like wealth and attention, but not all attention was positive. His fellow warriors got horribly jealous whenever women flocked to watch him practice. The mob of maidens would usually offer to wipe his brow with hand-sewn handkerchiefs or give him water…through their mouths. Feh, it wasn't like he could help it!
He'd guessed the nineteen-year-old's crush happened after he'd complimented one of her snacks. She'd blushed strawberry red, squealed, and proposed then and there. Of course, nobody had ever told her that "Will you marry me?" was the number one phrase that drove men away after "Guess what else is late." It was too bad because she was rather cute if one ignored the forwardness.
"Miss Yukari," he said as steadily as possible, "may I ask how you got in here?"
"I used my feet!" she chirped.
"Please let me take a shower," he said patiently.
"I would, but I don't think Lord Ashikaga would like it if he found one missing," she replied.
"Miss Yukari, it just so happens that our lord has some very important news to tell me at the soiree today, and I want to look my best."
"Then put on a wedding ring for yours truly, pooky bear. Mark my words, you will be my husband by the end of this fic!"
Her long brown hair and french maid dress ruffled as she dashed toward him with open arms.
Yeah bitches: french maid. What? Who gives a shit about historical accuracy? You can't have a harem comedy without a moé girl! But I digress.
Amidamaru ducked just in time and forced her to somersault outside. He sighed again. Next time he would use some garlic and a crucifix on the girl!
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Twenty-one-year old Shin Ashikaga was angrier than Jesse Jackson had been with Don Imus. He was the shogun's son! How the fuck was he supposed to throw a decent party if nobody knew where to put anything there in the parlor?!
"Why the hell are you putting the peanut brittle next to the fountain?!" he thundered.
"I don't understand what's so inappropriate about that, m'lord," a servant timidly replied.
"Don't you know how hard peanut brittle is? People's molars will be flying everywhere already, and the last thing we need is for them to get lost in the water!" he snapped.
"So," said the servant, "you're saying you don't want people to discover the…the…"
"Fountain of Tooth," Shin finished, "Now be a good boy and fetch me my baby seal fur undies! I'm going to be dressed to the nines tonight, and even my briefs must be obscenely expensive," he instructed.
Shin's big brother Yoshimochi, who had been lounging in the corner, looked disgusted. Sometimes he thought their younger sister Ayame was the only normal one in the family besides him. He wasn't saying his relatives were wackos, but Britney Spears was scared to come near them.
"Little Brother," Yoshimochi asked languorously, "why are we having a party today anyhow? You know how much I hate them."
His aqua-haired sibling replied, "It's a party. What do you mean why?"
"I meant just what I said," he said.
"Hmmm…okay! Today is the two-day anniversary of you not freaking out over our little sister's safety!" he giggled.
"OH NO!!! I completely forgot to check on her! What if she has another fever? What if she's passed out? WHAT IF THE MOLE PEOPLE HAVE EATEN HER?!!" he screamed.
"Mole people? Have you taken some of Dad's pills again?" Shin asked.
He ignored him. Poor Ayame had always been sickly and every time she recovered from one bug another seemed to grab her in its talons. The world was a dangerous and germ-riddled place. What if she had been foolish enough to venture outside? Worse yet…what if an unrelated man had seen her?
It will be all right as long as I can protect her. She'll live to a ripe old age…I hope, the brunette thought.
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If Lady Ayame could have had one wish it would have been to have a room that changed daily. Isolation and boredom did not mix. She was already sick of reading, and her eldest brother was especially paranoid today. She wanted to open a window more than anything, but knew he would have her head. Oh, but…it was such a breathtaking spring day. A rainbow of wildflowers dotted the countryside, and she could hear a mockingbird in the distance. Surely no harm would come from cracking it just a smidgen.
The scrawny green-eyed heiress rose only to almost faint back on her bed. Damn! Why did this always happen? She had to remember to stand up more slowly. Wheezing, she shuffled across the bedroom like a crippled horse. Her window seemed further away than the moon, but she didn't care. After what seemed like an hour her bony fingers touched the edge.
"At last! Ohhh…What I'd give…What I'd daaare…just to live one day out theeeere!" she sang.
Just then Yoshimochi stormed in and barked, "SIS! What have I told you about making random Disney references?!"
" 'Don't use any that came after nineteen ninety-five because that's when their films started to suck doggie balls.'" Ayame groaned, rolling her eyes.
"Exactly! By the way, why were you at the ledge? You weren't doing what I think you were doing, were you?" he questioned suspiciously.
"Of course not! Besides, the gardener isn't interested in boobies like mine," she said.
Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp. A chorus of crickets filled the ensuing awkward silence.
"Okay, just for that you're not coming to the party tonight," he said disgustedly.
"But Big Brother-" she protested.
"No buts! Besides, do you think I want to see my baby sister around a bunch of strangers? Who knows what they'd think when they saw a frail little lady like you?" he replied.
"Probably 'I wish I had a coat rack as nice as that one!'" Shin cracked from down the hall.
Klonk! The eldest Ashikaga threw a shoe at him. Ayame burst out laughing.
"Yuk it up, you brat! You'll probably end up being a side character anyway!" the blue-haired man shouted.
"Oh yeah?! At least I'm not the token gay guy!" she retorted.
"WHAT?! Katsuo and I are just childhood friends!"
"I don't think childhood friends moan each other's names in the shower, stupid."
"SHUT U-Wait. H-He moans my name when he showers?"
"Both of you pipe down! Anyway, you're not going and that's final. Don't let me catch you. As much as it seems like it, I don't want to tell Father about your behavior," Yoshimochi said firmly.
"Yes Big Brother," she sighed.
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At last it was time for the festivities to begin. The decorations were set up, the food was spread out, and there was plenty of crack for the VIP guests to smoke. The problem was that the only guests were a local priestess, a noblewoman, and Oogla the village idiot.
"Where is everybody, Amidamaru? We can't have a good party with only three guests," Shin complained.
"You still have everybody who lives here," he pointed out.
"They don't count," he said, "What on earth could be keeping the others away?"
"Perhaps they were a bit…exhausted…after last month's soiree."
"Are you calling our parties disasters?"
"Of course not, m'lord."
He did not add "Although things might have gotten a little out of hand when the greased up yak stampeded through the hall."
"Oogla like pie!" Oogla babbled, planting his face into the buffet.
Meanwhile, Tsundere the Shinto priestess gazed at Amidamaru from across the room and sighed longingly. When she was a girl she tried to catch sunbeams to be prettier because she had been taught that the sun goddess was the source of all beauty. Now she wasn't so sure that was true. Either Amidamaru was more handsome than any immortal or she was in love with a male form of the sun goddess.
Just then a sultry female aristocrat sidled up to her and said, "Don't bother staring, honey. He's already had a taste of this cougar."
Tsundere felt the jealousy stewing in her veins and growled, "You're a liar and a slut, Kin!"
"Tut, tut, tut! Is that any way to speak to the emperor's cousin? Oh that's right, you don't have the brains for proper etiquette."
"At least my tits don't scrape the ground when I walk, you old hag!"
"Old hag? I'm only thirty-four!"
"Yeah, thirty-four hundred."
"Ha! You just wish you could be as gorgeous at twenty-two as I am now. Now stand aside and watch the mistress of seduction at work."
Kin sauntered up to the samurai, pushed her thick indigo hair back, and struck up a friendly conversation about the weather. Tsundere hated to admit it, but she was horribly jealous of her. She really was confident, rich, and still sexy as hell. Was she the only one who saw her arrogance?
I'll show her, the priestess seethed; I'll show her that he loves me and me alone!
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