You know the kind of guy that does bad things and then wonders why his life sucks? Well, that was me. Every time something good happened to me something bad was waiting around the corner… Karma. That's when I realized I had to change… so I made a list of everything bad I've ever done and one by one I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes. I'm just trying to be a better person. My name is Earl.

I knew as soon as the words were uttered that I would be on Joy's list. Now don't get me wrong, she hadn't turned her life around and started a list of her own, as much as I've asked her to, no she had an entirely different list.

"Now, everybody just calm down." Joy said with her hands in the air as she processed what had just been said.

Luckily for me, Joy was too preoccupied with who Earl Jr.'s daddy was, that the dollar signs hadn't went off in her eyes yet.

Darnell just stared at us both looking like someone had run over his puppy, or had just told him that his kid wasn't his. His lip shook and he clenched his fists at his side, digging his nails into his palms. "No! I will not calm down, Joy! Who else was there? Who else were you cheating on us with?" He demanded before looking over to me and noticeably looking more apologetic. "Sorry to bring up bad memories, Earl."

I raised my own hands in a gesture of 'everything's okay'. "Don't worry about it Crab Man, this ship sailed a long time ago." We turned our attention back to Joy who was pacing the kitchen and smoking a cigarette with a hand running through her hair.

I couldn't remember Joy getting out a cigarette. Man she was always as fast as a cheetah with those things.

***Start Flashback***

"What do you mean I have a half-sister?" Joy's eyes widened and everyone looked back to her dad for an explanation. He just shrugged and everyone looked back to Joy who was already smoking a cigarette that wasn't there moments before.

"You mean to tell me they found the body?" Joy asked as her hand started shaking.

"Yeah, they dug it out this morning at 10." I said with a frown on my face.

Joy gave an angry bark of a laugh as she drew from the cigarette now in her hands. "Well then, it looks like somebody had better start hiding their sons' dead cat bodies a little better now, doesn't it?"

"Hey, they're not my sons." I called back.

***End Flashback***

I realized then that I had been a horrible father to Dodge, and even if I hadn't known I was, I was a horrible step-father. I knew I was going to have to start adding a lot more list items to do with Dodge real soon to try to make it up to him. It was then that Joy's loud panicked reasoning's were coming to me.

"and, and I know I wasn't cheatin' on either of ya'll with anybody else. That's it, someone musta got me drunk, or drugged or something so I couldn't remember a thing." Joy muttered as she paced the room. Her hands had already started their stress routine.

Suddenly, I saw something in Joy's eyes that I didn't think I would ever see. She looked panicked and scared, she looked… well she looked real bad.

Darnell gave a confused and somewhat obvious look that said he was trying to figure things out himself. "Baby, I've been through a lot with you, and I know what it sounds like you're insinuating, but I also know that you've lied about some pretty awful stuff in the past; your mother's death, getting divorced and remarried, and Earl being a soldier just to name a few."

Joy gave him a hurt stare. "I can't believe you would-" She choked on her own words as a hand flew to her mouth. "Oh god I think I'm gonna be sick." She said as a retch came bubbling up from her throat. Suddenly she found herself unable to even make the trip to the bathroom and she was hurling over the kitchen trash can.

Yup, it was real alright, and vomiting on cue or by her own hand wasn't something that Joy had ever been able to do. It didn't work to get her out of trouble with the law, it didn't work in high school when she wanted to be skinnier, and it wouldn't have worked now. That's when I knew that things had just gotten serious, and judging by the look on Crab Man's face, he knew it too.

Darnell immediately flew down to Joy's side and wrapped his arms around her waist, holding her tightly. He moved a hand to hold Joy's hair back while she tried to regain herself. "I am so sorry honey, I know it was a horrible thing of me to think that you would lie about something like that, and I hope that one day you'll forgive me for it, but right now you I just need you to know that I love you just for who you are and no matter what, my opinion of you has not and will not change from that in which you are my beautiful wife and I love you!" He said all very quickly. He appeared to be shaking as well.

Joy's ramblings couldn't really be all made out, though a few bits and pieces of what she said could be made out. "-think that I would ever-", "-mean I know I lie but there are just some things-", "-Darnell, I c-can't remember a th-thing-" By this point she was all out sobbing and shaking in Darnell's arms.

It was then that Dodge had decided to come in. He saw his mother sitting in the floor crying on New Daddy like that, well it confused and scared the boy.

"Old Daddy? What's wrong with mommy?" He asked, running over to my leg and grabbing on to my pants. I bent down and hugged him real tight for a second, then stood and took him outside. On the way Earl Jr. was coming to investigate and I took both of their hands and led them outside. When I got to the door I heard Joy calling after me warning me not to tell them what happened to her, then we went down to the other end of the trailer park.

As Joy's wailing, and I don't mean to be rude by calling it wailing, that's just literally what it was at the moment. As her wailing died down in the distance, I tried to think of what I was gonna say to the boys. I may not have been able to explain to them what had happened to Joy, but I could still explain to them what the crime was in hopes that maybe they wouldn't grow up to do it.

"Alright, I need to talk to you boys about something. It's a crime and it's a really bad crime, and something I don't ever wanna hear about either of you doing. Now I mean it, if I hear either one of you ever do something like this, you're out of the will."

And that was the start of a 2 hour conversation where I explained to the boys about what rape was, why it was a bad thing, and I tried to explain how it affected people, but not having ever been the survivor of a crime like that, I just couldn't really comprehend it. It was then that a neighbor who had overheard me came over and gave his account. I had gotten my eyes opened just as much as the kids did, because I had never thought that a guy could get raped before, especially by a woman, but it turned out that just like most other areas of my life that I hadn't really thought about before, I was wrong.

Joy was full on red in the face when we came back, but she had a smile on her face and was wiping at her nose with a tissue. "It might not be that." She said, trying to keep her smile on as her leg bounced with her hand on top of it. "Tell them about the idea I had Darnell." She wiped her face with her hand and judging by the muttering, she was praying right now.

Darnell looked more hopeful than I had ever seen him, even more hopeful than when he got news that Mr. Turtle was back. "Joy remembered that when we had transitioned into the Rosensteins they changed my blood type. In theory, if a person's blood type is changed, the procedure can alter their DNA just slightly, but just slightly enough to change their results on a test for a child that they'd had before the change."

Joy interrupted and told us the rest. "That means that if we can get ahold of those dummies up there at the witness protection place that we can get our hands on some of Darnell's old DNA and we can test that against Earl Jr.'s." She said with a fierce nod and a look that demanded she had better be right. "They better- it all better work out… I don't know Earl, I just don't know what I'm gonna do if it turns out that somebody-" She choked again but managed to still her stomach this time.

Earl Jr. frowned and went over to Joy with Dodge. "Are you okay mommy?" He asked. Dodge went in and hugged her, and then she pulled both of them close.

"Mommy's alright boys, she just had a scare." She said, running her hands through both of their hair. "No matter what happens, mommy's gonna be alright. We just need to take a trip and go find some people, that's all. Your old daddy's gonna watch you while we're gone, alright?"

I was just about to say something against it, but then I decided that this was Joy's mission, and she needed to find this out herself instead of second hand from someone else.

I nodded and crouched down, holding out my arms. "Yeah, that's right. Old Daddy's gonna be taking care of you both for a little while."

I realized then that I had been a pretty bad step-father to Earl Jr. as well, and knew I'd be putting that on my list. At least staying with them for a few days could help me make up some things to them while making up other things to other people; double the list items for half the time. Not to mention it would help me get my mind off of possibly having to go against everything I knew and killing someone who might have raped my ex-wife. I only hoped that Joy's theory was right and it was all in the DNA and blood stuff.

"Alright now, come on. We gotta do something else." I said as I pulled out my list and looked over it. Number 3, copped a feel of old Miss. Jones was the first one that I saw.

I'd written down that I thought she liked it, thinking that somehow made it any better. I had a hard time not crumpling the list in my hand but I decided that this would be the one I would tackle. Going to see Miss. Jones proved harder than I'd expected. It turned out that she'd died last year and she didn't have any living family to resort to. After nearly 2 hours of searching for any friends she might have had, it turned out that they had all been elderly people too, and they'd all died as well. I was just about to leave the old folks home when I heard somebody asking for help.

"Help… me… please." Came a croaked voice from a room with a half open door. I peeked in to see an old lady laying on the bed. "Help!"

"Ma'am, do you want me to call one of the nurses for you?" I asked, walking in with the boys' hands in my own.

"NO!" She cried out, looking panicky. "Get me a bottle of bubble bath and a toy duck, pronto! And tell Jimmy to stop spiking my eggnog, I don't like the yellow limo!"

"I-I'm sorry, what? I don't know how to help you."

I was just realizing that this woman was a little off her rocker. I pushed the nurse call button and went back over to Dodge and Earl Jr. to make sure they were okay and we high-tailed it out of there. On the way out I realized that this place wasn't just a nursing home, it was a nursing home for those mentally incapable of taking care of themselves.

"Great, I copped a feel of an old woman who couldn't even think for herself." I muttered, trying to figure out how I was going to get out of this one.

-x-

Joy and Darnell called me with an update and so Joy could talk to the boys before they went to bed tonight. So far they had tried four different ways to locate the witness protection program, one of which was driving with Darnell blindfolded in the back seat to try and make him relive the capture in hopes that he would remember the way there. So far, none of it had worked and the most they got out of that was Joy almost getting arrested for kidnapping somebody.

After Joy had sang to the boys over the phone, which wasn't all that good sounding as you well know from hearing her sing in the Prettiest Pretty Princess pageant, she wanted to talk to me again. "-and right now he's asleep on the bed in the room, but I just can't get to sleep." She admitted. "I mean I been thinking about this and I don't know how to feel. Even if it does come back that Darnell is the father, I will always know what it's like to feel that violated, to feel that… that disgusting."

"Joy, even if it turns out that was what happened, it don't make you disgusting." I tried, running my hand through my hair.

"Don't you tell me what I can and cannot feel Earl Hickey, I know what I felt and it was not a good feeling. I just- I don't know if I can… if it comes back that…" Joy had started sniffling again and she sounded real bad off while she was trying to compose herself. "If it comes back that Earl Jr. ain't Darnell's son… I don't know if I can look at him the same way, knowing that he's the result of something that I didn't agree to and that just- I can't. I can't deal with that."

"Joy listen to me, you're his mother. Whoever his daddy is doesn't matter, you are his mother and you've loved the boy since he came out of you. Nothin' can change that." I sighed and looked towards the bed as the Earl Jr. started snoring and Randy started glaring. "I gotta go; Randy's starting to get jealous of the boy's having the bed and I need to explain to him why they get the bed tonight instead of him again. Just remember what I said Joy, you're gonna be able to deal with anything life throws at you. You love those boys and it shows in everything you do for them. This won't change how you treat Earl Jr."

As soon as she got off the phone, Darnell came walking through the front door of their hotel room. "I got it!" He said to her with a smile. "I got the DNA sample from before the Rosenstein fiasco. Now we can send this in with one of Earl. Jr's hairs and get the results back." He said with a smile. His smile faded when Joy jumped up to hug him and it showed that he still wasn't too sure about this.

"Wait!" Joy said, pulling back some and looking to the bed in the hotel room. "If you're here then who…"

"Oh, that's just my life-doll." Darnell said, going over to the bed and rolling the doll off of it. He pulled a plastic bit out and deflated it. "I got the idea when you used a doll that looked like you to go to Mexico. Now I use it when I need to sneak out. Oh b-but don't worry, this is only the second time I've used it."

"The second?" Joy asked, her hands on her hips which were cocked to the side. "Mind explaining what the first one was for?"

"Your dad tried to bond with me and he got really… really drunk." Darnell clarified, glancing to the ground. "He thought I turned into a woman because my hair was long."

Back at the hotel, things were finally running smoother. Randy had been convinced that I didn't like him as a little brother, and that was somehow the reasoning behind why the boys got the bed and he didn't. I wound up having to rent a second room for the night just to prove to him that wasn't the case, but since I wouldn't go to the other room with him and leave the kids all alone in Camden at nighttime, he refused to go sleep in it. At least he understood my reasons for that; otherwise we'd be in a whole heap of trouble. For the rest of the night, I camped out on the floor and Randy took the couch.

As the afternoon sun peeked through the window, I learned two very important things. One, Joy had a key to our motel room, and two, when two boys who hadn't even reached their preteen years saw two grown men sleeping; their first instinct is to draw all over their faces in pens, markers, and whatever else they can find in the drawers. Joy had thought it was too hilarious to make them stop because they'd drawn kitty whiskers on Randy's face and dog whiskers on mine, though I couldn't tell what the difference really was when they were both drawn in pens and looked exactly the same.

While I was in the bathroom washing my face, Randy and Joy were talking in the living room. "Yeah, Darnell done went and brought the papers to the lab to be tested. I got a real good feeling about this. I just know that everything's gonna turn out alright. It has to." She said through chewing her gum and that stressed out smile she always gives when she's worried.

"I guess so. How long does it take to get the results back?" Randy asked, tilting his head a bit with his mouth hanging open.

"I dunno, like 3 days or something I think." Joy said, pulling out a cigarette and opening the window. She tossed the empty pack on the table and lit it, blowing it towards the outside and staring out at the sky. "Last one, I better make it count." She muttered.

I got a peek into the pack and saw that it was empty. I'd just seen her buy 3 packs the day before so I knew that she had to be going through them like tictacs to have smoked that many. She must have really been stressed. Of course it didn't help that I couldn't stop thinking about Miss. Jones and how I couldn't make it up to her personally. When Joy took the kids back to the trailer, and Randy and I finally got a chance alone, I explained the situation to him as I usually did when I needed to hear myself think.

"-so that's why I'm never gonna be able to make it up to her. What could I do to be able to mark her off of the list?" I asked, pacing around the room.

"I dunno, Earl. You can't really make it up to her, but maybe you can make it up to other people who've had the same thing happen to them."

"Randy, you know that I don't-" That's when it hit me, Randy was right. I couldn't make it up to her, but maybe I could make a difference to some other women who have been hurt. "That's brilliant Randy! There's a women's shelter up in North Camden, if I can volunteer there for a while, I can make it up."

"Great but how long are you gonna work there?" Randy asked, looking back to the calendar. "I don't think I could go another week without you around… unless you want me to come and work with you."

"I don't see the point in you volunteering with me Randy, not since you didn't do anything wrong, but if you want to come help out of the goodness of your heart, well I couldn't say no to that, now could I?" I patted him on the back and he gave that smile he always gives when he felt like he was doing something right.

My plan was simple. Since I couldn't make it up to Miss. Jones, I had to make it up to some other women who had been hurt. Then when I made a real difference in at least 2 of their lives, I could leave. Unfortunately, it didn't look like Karma was gonna let me off that easy.

At the women's shelter, I learned a lot about some of the women I saw around Camden every day. I learned that Patty the day-time hooker came in to volunteer once a week on Fridays as a thanks to the shelter when they housed her after one of her clients had gotten out of hand and beat her up then burned her house down. I also learned that Catalina came in and volunteered on Sundays when Club Chubby was at its least active in remembrance to all of the women who had been raped and abused in her home town. I think what surprised me the most though, was when Didi came in on Monday. It turned out that she volunteered there because they'd helped her through a rough time when she'd lost everything in a house fire that her ex-husband had started which caused a beam from the roof to fall through the ceiling and pin her by the leg. She'd said that her ex saw her fall and refused to help, thinking that maybe he'd cash out on her life insurance policy as well. I'd also learned that arson and rape tend to go hand in hand.

The more I worked with the women here, the more I realized just how much bad stuff the people in this county were doing. Each woman had a story full of pain to share, and each one that I heard left me cringing. It was amazing the kind of stuff you'd never expect to go on in your town actually goes on. One woman was there because she'd just called the cops on her boyfriend for cracking her rib, but that wasn't the first time he'd hurt her, that was just the last straw. Another woman was there because her neighbor had snuck into her house and tried to rape her, and she feared for her life if she stayed there any longer.

As I kept on learning the stories of these women, what might have happened to Joy seemed to nag at my mind even more. I was just getting to the point that I was hoping that Darnell was the dad as well, so I wouldn't have to go and hunt down the kind of man it took to do this.

When I walked into mine and Randy's motel room I hadn't been noticed. I'd barely managed to creek the door open when I heard Dodge talking to Joy. "Why do we have to stay at Old Daddy's place tonight?"

"Because honey, he's out doing something on his idiot list and Randy gave us the room for the night so we could have our trailer tented for the termites." Joy explained, pulling the blanket up around their shoulders.

Randy leaned into me some. "I didn't think they'd need it the whole night, and I thought we were gonna stay at the shelter all night." He whispered.

I leaned in and whispered right back. "We can't sleep at a women's shelter, Randy, we're not women."

Earl Jr. seemed delighted at the prospect of the list though. "Momma, tell us about Old Daddy's idiot list."

Joy smiled and pulled her gum out. She reached to stick it under the coffee table beside the bed. "Well, whenever Old Daddy does something stupid, and I mean real stupid, like the kind of stupid that hurts other people, he puts it on his idiot list. The list has everything stupid, bad, and dumb that he's ever done on it."

"Even the time that he promised to take us to Mystery Fun Land and it was closed?" Dodge asked curiously, peeking out from the blanket.

"Yes, even then. Hell he's got stuff on that list I don't even think should be on there, but he's real anal about puttin' everything on there. He's even got the time he made fun of me for being pregnant on there, and he was just drunk then, and you know ain't nobody can be held accountable for the stupid stuff they say when they're drunk."

"Why do you call it an idiot list?" Earl Jr. asked, frowning.

"Like I said earlier, when he does something that idiot him would do, he puts it on the list so he can cross it off later when he's made up for it, hence the name, 'idiot list'."

Heh… and here I was, thinking that she called it an idiot list because she thought I was an idiot for making it.

"Petunia down at the trailer park says that he's like the new Jesus, but don't believe her, she ain't all there in the head ever since the accident, and if Earl is New Jesus then I'm the new pope." She said sarcastically.

I cleared my throat and walked in. "What's this about you being a pope?"

"Oh nothin'! I was just telling the boys a bedtime story." Joy said, standing up and looking back to us while attempting to keep an air of innocence about her.

Dodge grinned. "Yeah, it was about one of our heroes." He said, knowing his mother wouldn't scold him for giving too much away and completely unaware of how much I wanted to hug the both of their little nodding heads right now.

I smiled and looked to the ground. "Yeah well, maybe sometime you'll tell me about them." I said with a hoarse voice. I glanced back to Joy and cleared my throat again. "Did you get the results yet?"

"Not yet, Darnell's bringing them by tonight when he goes by the trailer after his shift at the Crab Shack. He should be by any minute now, oh and speaking of the trailer, I may have conned your brother into lettin' us have your room tonight while it's being tented." She said, slipping out of the motel room and going to smoke another cigarette outside.

I just shook my head. "That's fine Joy, I can rent another motel room for us too." I walked over to the boys and patted their heads, turned around to walk away, changed my mind and kissed their foreheads, then walked outside. I was just about to say something to her about Dodge when Darnell came driving up.

Darnell ran from the car waving around a paper. He looked almost scared but he had good news. "He's my boy! Earl Jr.'s my son!" He said, looking like he might cry. He must have been so relieved. "Earl Jr.'s my son, and even if he wasn't, I'd still treat him like he was."

Joy snatched the paper away and glanced over it. She was happy, she was elated, and for the first time since she'd got the news, she threw down an unfinished cigarette. She hugged Darnell so tightly that he looked like he was going to explode.

-x-

After everything had died down, Darnell and I were sitting out front on the balcony, drinking some beers. He'd been quiet all evening until he finally looked me in the eye. "I lied, Earl." He said, shaking his leg and staring back off into the parking lot. He took another sup of his beer.

"Whadya mean, Crab Man?" I asked, taking another drink as well.

"I lied to Joy." He admitted. "That wasn't the letter, that was the cover letter I had made to ensure that she never found out that I may not be the father. I haven't opened the results yet, I don't know what they say, and do you know how much of a chance it is that the blood type transfusion actually changed my DNA that much, it would alter my son's DNA comparison charts? A 4% chance Earl, a 4% chance." His leg seemed to be shaking of his own free will now. "With a 96% chance that he's not my son, I just couldn't let Joy think that she'd been-" He choked on his own words and that was when I saw his hands shaking.

"You haven't opened it even to look? Well come on Crab Man, what are you waiting for? Open it and find out!" I urged.

Darnell shoved the envelope into my hands. "I can't do it Earl, I can't open it! Just… just tell me what it says, alright? Man, it looks like I'm gonna have to add lying to Joy about the DNA test results on my list."

Shock overtook my face. "Your list? You have a list?"

Darnell gave me a somewhat confused look. "Er, yeah… Earl, a lot of people have lists now. Have you not noticed half the town's carrying around some kind of paper and marking stuff off of them lately?" He asked, holding out his hand to show me the parking lot. "Look, over there, Patty's marking one off of her list right now. And over there, you can see inside Nate's window, he's looking over his list for what he's gonna do tomorrow." As I looked around I remembered at least 4 times that I'd thought it was pretty odd some people were standing around, writing on some piece of paper in the middle of doing something. They must have been adding stuff to their lists. Darnell drew back my attention. "You've inspired a lot of people to do a lot of good things, Earl. Even Joy's been thinking about starting a list of peoples nails she would do for free if ever given the chance."

"I-I don't know what to say I-" I sighed and held the envelope in my hand. "I'll worry about it later, right now you have some information you need." I ripped the envelope open and let my curious eyes skim the paper. "Yadda, yadda, yadda, thank you for your time, blah bla- AHA! Darnell, I think you underestimate the power of the government blood transfusion thingies, because you are Earl Jr.'s daddy!" I said with a wide smile.

Darnell snatched the paper away, read it for himself, and I saw that grown man cry. "Oh, Earl, you don't- I am- oh thank god!" He said, falling to his knees. He held the paper clutched to his forehead. "I'm that boy's father. I am Earl Jr.'s father! This means Joy wasn't raped, this means I don't have to go kill some guy, this means- this means that Joy don't have to deal with that terror and that feeling again! Earl, thank you." Darnell said, standing back to his feet again. He held out his hand and shook mine, then pulled me into a hug and released me. "I couldn't think of a better man for my son to be named after, you know that?"

I stood there amazed for the better part of the next hour. Joy was okay, everybody was okay, and tons more people were making lists and doing the right thing. Yeah a little part of me was jealous because the list was my thing, I was the guy with the list, but a much bigger part of me was just happy to make the world a better place, one person at a time.

You know the kind of guy that does good things and somehow inspires a town of other people to do good things too? Well, that's me. Every time something good happens to me, I know now that it's for a reason, and if something bad happens to me, well that's for a reason too. It's called Karma, and because of it, I'm a changed man. I made a list of everything bad I've ever done, and one by one I'm making up for all my mistakes. I'm just trying to be a better person. My name is Earl.