Family Matters
Summary: The conclusion to the 'Tony's Big Lie' storyline. Warning: spanking of adult. Don't like? Don't read!
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, I just play with 'em.
A/N: This is part of my discipline series and builds on a larger plot arc. This is set shortly after Family. Note that Caught has been re-dated so it is now set at the end of Season 4 rather than at some amorphous future date... so this is after the events in that story.
Thanks to Alli1, who suggested a key plot detail (I can't tell you which one without spoiling the story!) and to draggon-flye, for much-needed feedback.
Warning: this story contains the spanking of an adult. If you have a problem with that, click on that 'back' button now. You've been warned.
Tony sat in his car, watching as the light slowly faded around him. If he was going to do this, it would have to be soon, before it got too dark to see what he was doing.
This was the third time in as many days that he had driven around after work instead of heading straight home, eventually stopping at the edge of a park or greenspace and sitting, staring into the treed enclave, trying to work up the nerve to take the next step.
When he'd burnt that card from Jeanne, he'd made a decision to stay with his life as he knew it – his job, his team, his family – rather than to leave it all behind and try to rebuild a relationship with the only woman he'd ever loved, and who had loved someone he was only pretending to be. It had been an agonising decision, and one he still regretted during odd moments when something reminded him of her. But, he had realised that any relationship that began... or began again... with a demand for that kind of sacrifice would forever be strained by it. And, looking at his teammates as he had huddled by the warmth of the fire, he'd known that the people whose absence he would feel the most were right there in the room with him.
It had been a few days later when he'd realised that choosing his 'family' meant accepting the responsibilities of family. He needed a clean slate, to be able to look Gibbs in the eye and promise him that there were no more secrets, no more lies.
And there was one big, whopping lie that he needed to admit to, before that could happen.
It was nearly three years since he'd gone to Gibbs and asked him not to use a switch to whip him with again, carefully alluding to some unspoken childhood experience that had left him traumatised by the very idea of such a punishment. He hadn't actually lied, not in so many words. But he'd crafted his comments so that Gibbs's conclusion from them was inevitable. And he had known that his ruse would be successful precisely because Gibbs cared so much about him, and was so concerned about doing what was best for him.
He had buried the guilt that he had felt about that devastating betrayal of his mentor's trust, forcing it to the back of his mind whenever it escaped into his conscious thought. But now, it had joined his distress about keeping the true nature of his 'relationship' with Jeanne from Gibbs, and the revelation of the one made the continued deception about the other a greater burden on his conscience.
He was terrified of how Gibbs would react. And it wasn't just that he was afraid of the whipping he was certain to get, although that was definitely a big part of the reason why he hadn't yet made it out of his car. He wasn't entirely sure that his boss would be able to forgive him for what he had done, despite everything he'd ever told McGee about Gibbs seeing the team as his family. This was big, perhaps too big ever to get past. That was the main reason why he'd guarded this secret so carefully for so long – he couldn't stand the thought of losing the trust, the respect, the affection, of this man who had become more of a father to him than his own father ever had been.
He'd toyed with the idea that, if Gibbs rejected him, as he half expected he might, he could still go after Jeanne... that the risk he was taking was less now than it would be later, since he still had another option. But he knew that wasn't really true. He would be devastated by being rejected by Gibbs. It had taken him a lifetime to recover from his father's rejection, and he'd only really started to heal emotionally when he'd found the fatherly support of a gruff ex-Marine who, for whatever reason, had taken him under his wing. He was taking the biggest risk of his life, admitting his lie, and no gloss he could put on the situation could change that.
But, he knew now, it was a risk he was going to have to take, since continuing to live with this lie between them was no longer an option.
Still, even though he'd convinced himself that he was going to have to go to Gibbs and confess, he hadn't quite managed to work up the nerve to actually do it.
Taking a deep breath, he climbed out of the car and took a determined step towards the tree he'd been staring at for the better part of an hour. Tonight, he was going to actually do this.