How Sephiroth Stole Christmas
A Parody of 'How The Grinch' Stole Christmas
Written by Kat_Aclysm
(with apologies to the late, great Dr. Seuss)
Every creature,
Down on the planet,
Liked Christmas a lot...
But Sephiroth, Who lived far north in the Great Northern Cave,
Did NOT!
Sephiroth hated Christmas, The whole Christmas season!
"It is nothing but rubbish, and wholly without reason."
Now don't ask me why, but some thought him evil,
Because of Meteor, which caused quite an upheaval.
He hated Christmas, he hated it with passion.
For this season of love, he had no compassion.
But why did he hate it? One could only guess.
But I can tell you the truth, it caused him distress.
It could have been that he never celebrated it before.
Or maybe, to him, it was just a big bore.
But I think his real reason, the most likely of all,
May have been that in August, there were elves in the mall.
Sephiroth thought that he was the cat's pyjamas.
He had a good plan indeed, no need for the dramas.
"I shall ruin their Christmas for once and for all."
He thought to himself, as he turned towards the mall.
He moved in the doors, as calm as could be,
But scowled with deep hatred as he spotted a tree.
"I hate this damn season." He muttered to himself,
And as he passed by a display, he smashed down the shelf.
Then he smashed all the presents, and cackled with glee.
"And now," declared Sephiroth, "I shall burn down the tree."
Quick as a flash, He pulled a Materia from his pocket,
Cast 'Fire3' on the tree, and everything on it!
He grinned with delight at sound of the panic,
And he cackled so evilly, you'd have thought him satanic.
"Look at them run," He spoke with a huff.
"Making peons cower is fun, but not nearly enough."
And then he stood there and thought what to do,
He must ruin Christmas. "I absolutely have to."
Then he growled, his fingers nervously drumming,
"I must find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"
He knew he should stop it, he absolutely must!
For Christmas was vile, and caused him disgust!
He knew on that morning, all the girls and the boys,
Would wake up so early, they'd rush for their toys!
They'd scream and they'd laugh, it was very irritating,
The noise, it was awful, and most debilitating.
Then, all the morons in the town, both the young and old,
Would sit down to a feast, in spirits so bold.
"A feast of all things! What an abomination!
This overblown season really needs some sedation."
They would start on the pudding, and fine rare roast beast,
Which was something ol' Sephy couldn't stand in the least.
And then they'd do something he liked least of all.
Every damn person, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand in hand - and then they'd start singing.
"Singing! Singing!? FEH! What absolute pain!"
He said aloud to himself as he began to complain.
And the more Sephy thought of the town's Christmas-Sing,
The more Sephy thought, "I must stop this whole thing."
"For too many years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Christmas from coming... but how?"
He paced back and forth in a frustrated fashion,
His hatred for Christmas renewed with a passion.
And just in that moment, as if by fate,
And idea just hit him. An idea so great!
An idea so evil, he smirked with great glee,
"I think that this season shall be ruined by me."
"I know just what to do." Sephy laughed in his throat.
And hey stole a Santa-Claus hat and a coat.
And he smirked and declared, "What a great evil plan,"
"With an outfit like this, I'll take all that I can."
"Now, all I need is a reindeer." Sephiroth looked around.
But since reindeer are scarce, there were none to be found.
But did that stop him? No, of course not.
Would the Great Sephiroth ever lack on a part of his plot?
He picked up a hobby-horse from the toy store,
Then he thought and he thought, and then he thought more.
He snatched up a tree branch, and took some black lace,
And he tied some big horns on the top of its face.
Then he picked up some sacks, and then started to run,
Down to the town, to steal his fun.
Though, the people in the mall all looked at him, dazy.
A sight of guy on a hobby-horse, nothing short of crazy.
Sephiroth jumped up, ascending sky-high,
"Christmas is tomorrow." He said, his grin very wry.
"But tonight, I shall come, I shall ruin it for good,
"It is my duty. I have to. I should."
The silver-haired villain waited til' night,
The plan of destruction filling him with delight.
He looked down at the town and muttered a warning:
"This town will be nothing but charred in the morning."
All the windows were dark by night. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the people were naively dreaming without care.
"This is stop number one," the silver-haired man hissed.
And he flew to the roof, empty bags in his fists.
Taking one look down the chimney, he teleported down,
"I do not care for climbing." He declared with a frown.
Then, he glanced at the presents, and greatly disapproved,
"All of these things. They must be removed."
He looked to the stockings, all hung in a row.
"These stockings," He grinned, "Are the first things to go."
Then he sneaked all around with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Candy-canes, racing-cars, stuffed toys, and shoes!
Nail polish, thigh-high boots, chocolates, and booze!
And he stuffed them in bags. And then Seph, very nimbly,
Shoved all of the bags, one by one, up the chimney.
Then he sneaked to the icebox. He stole the damn feast.
He stole the figgy-pudding. He stole the roast-beast.
He didn't eat any, for it looked rather thin.
Besides, he didn't like it. So he threw it in the bin.
"These morons have no taste." Sephiroth did mutter,
As he shoved the whole fridge-contents into his clutter.
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with relish.
"And now," grinned Sephiroth, "for the tree that looks hellish."
And the villain grabbed the tree, and started to shove,
When suddenly, he heard sounds like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small child.
She just looked up at him. He glared back at her, wild.
"What the hell do you want?!" He growled to the brat.
But she just stared back at him, clutching her toy cat.
"Why are you taking our tree, Santy-Claus, why?",
"Because it is stupid. I want it to die."
The girl looked at him, and started to wail.
"Go away bad man! Or I'll send you to jail!"
"I'm not a bad man," Sephiroth spoke with a grin.
"Now shut up and sleep 'fore I kick your head in."
"I'm getting it fixed," he told the small child.
"So go back to sleep." He evilly smiled.
His lie fooled the child. She just shook her head,
And Seph watched the lass till she went back to bed.
Then back to his task, Sephiroth did return,
Stealing the Christmas hoard without concern.
The last thing he took was the log for their fire.
Then he went up the chimney himself, the liar.
And the one speck of food that he left in the house,
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.
"Ha ha," Sephiroth cackled as he moved on,
Pleased with his work, and all of his wrong.
Then he did the same thing to the other people's houses,
Leaving crumbs much too small for their mouses.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wires.
And again, he did steal the logs for their fires.
Out of the town and back to the road,
Sephiroth moved on while he carried his load.
He looked and he searched, for somewhere to stash it,
"Screw this," he said, "I think I'll just trash it."
And then he did stride, up the side of Mt. Strumpet,
He dragged up his load to the tiptop to dump it!
"Death to the mortals," he was morbidly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming."
And then with a push, and then with a stride,
He shoved the town's gifts, all down off the side!
He stood there a moment, having a hunch,
And he listened, at the bottom, to the almighty crunch!
But just then, he thought, "It is still not quite done."
"I still need to destroy this all for everyone."
And off down the mountain, and back into town,
He moved, then he said "I shall burn this place down."
With Materia in hand, and a smirk on his face,
He cast Fire2, and he burned down the place.
Cinders and ashes, what a great blazing pyre,
But Seph just did smirk as he looked at the fire.
"My now, that was a fun place to combust."
He said, as he crunched his boot in the dust.
"And now it is done." He jumped to the air,
And began to head north, to return to his lair.
"It may have been good to see all the gloom,"
"But Next year should be a lot better, I presume."
And once asleep in his lair, Seph smiled with glee.
For now there's no Christmas for you or for me.
~End~