I Want Us Back

A/N: I have fallen in love with The Foster's, especially with the relationship of Lena and Stef. They are inspiring as women and as parents. My heart has been hurting for them over the last many episodes as they struggle to connect. This story came to me after watching the previews for 2x3; I hope they sort through things and are honest with one another.

I own nothing...all characters belong to ABC Family, Disney, Paige/Bredeweg, etc. Just borrowing them to play for a bit! I hope you enjoy!

How did we get here? How did we go from contentment, happiness…passion…to passing in the hall. To falling asleep without as much as a word of good-night. Certainly not a touch. Not a display of love. Like strangers.

When we were 'partners' we were more in love than it seems we are now as wives. Now we feel like simply partners. Like in business…Partners in rearing children. Partners in car pool, in homework, in paying bills…simply partners. At least that is the way it feels. I feel like I've lost the love of my life. Not forever…not like that, this isn't irreparable. I don't think. I don't believe that it is.

I still love Lena more than anything. She still loves me. I can see it in her eyes sometimes. But I don't know how to get back to where we were. Where I so desperately want us to be. There are times when I am almost overcome with the desire to go to her and hold her and kiss her. Not talk…I don't want to talk. The things I want to say would be hurtful, and I don't want to hurt her. I'll eat the words that are right there all the time. I'll keep them inside until we are stronger.

I miss her. I miss us. I miss my love. I told Callie once that it feels as if I have five separate hearts walking around outside of my body all the time. My kids make me feel that. But this rift with Lena; it makes me feel as if my heart has shattered. Shriveling and wasting away inside me. Lena owns me, heart and soul. When we are not connected in the way that has been the foundation of our relationship for more than a decade, it feels like…well, it feels like I am dying. Slowly and from the inside.

Lying in the hospital remembering our history, I was so happy. My first look at Lena was an instant that I would not (could not) forget until my very last breath. Feelings, desires that I had tamped down for years came rushing in like a river held back until the rupture of a dam. Oh, God! These feelings were unlike any I had ever had for a man or for another woman. It was overwhelming. Thinking about the process of coming out, divorcing, and taking a risk to go after what my heart desired. "Will you marry me?" That was all I could think about when I saw Lena, my love, sitting at my bedside after surgery. More risk, more commitment…giving her whatever she wanted. Lena…always Lena. My love.

Our kids are safe, secure…as they can be for teenagers. Brandon will continue to struggle with his hand for a while, but he is getting through. Mariana and Jesus are coming toward adulthood facing the teen problems that any child would. Jude feels safe and is getting stronger everyday; Callie knows what she wants and we will get that for her. I hate that it is taking so long, but she knows she is loved and valuable. And now there is a baby…the baby.

Is this about 'the' baby? 'her' baby? 'our' baby? I want a baby for Lena. I want her to experience what I did with Brandon, and I wasn't exaggerating when I told her that I wanted her to have anything/everything that she ever wanted. She wanted a baby.

With Timothy.

There it is…I want this to be my baby, but I don't believe that it is. I don't even think Lena realizes how this whole thing has looked to me. She talked to the doctor. She took the vitamins. She told her mom. She set up a donor. She took the ovulation tests. She arranged the insemination. She had the donor in our home. She…in every case. She not we. I was brought in like an extra on a set. Stand here, sign here, smile here. Oh, she loves me; I think she even is taking the lead because she thinks she is helping me. Making things easier for me.

Just like I have done for her. I haven't been honest about Anna with her. God! How did we end up here? Since when do we act like Calliope and Arizona from Grey's? Ignoring truths does not make them any less true. Ignoring feelings does not make them any less real. Allowing them to fester inside will kill you. It is killing us.

I cannot let this happen. I cannot lose my wife, my love. I am going to have to speak…I have to speak up.

I didn't know I was crying until I realized Lena had come to my side. I had gotten so lost in thought that I had forgotten where I was. Next to the water on a lounger alone…time with my thoughts. Time to sort through and prepare myself for the next step.

"I want us back…" She says.

I looked at Lena, at her sorrow and fear. I caused that…well…we caused that in each other. Partners in mistakes as in everything else. We tried so hard to help each other and to protect each other; we have done nothing but hurt each other. Hurt in love is still hurt.

I open my arms and pull back the blanket on my legs, "C'mere, Love." She comes to me. "Lena, I love you…"

"But…" She says softly.

"No! No buts." I sigh deeply. "There won't ever be a 'but' after I say I love you…there is a 'because' though." I kiss her temple and place my hand over our child. "Because I love you, Lena, I need to talk to you…I want us back to…more than anything in the world."

TBC?