Man of La Mancha - Trigun style
Act I

Cast-

Don Quixote - Vash the Stampede (DQVash)
Vash the manservant - Vash the Stampede (Vash)
Wolfwood/Sancho the manservant - Nicholas D. Wolfwood (SanchoWW)
Nicholas Miguel Wolfwood de Cervantes - Nicholas D. Wolfwood (Wolfwood)
Captain of the Inquisition - Chapel the Evergreen (Chapel)
Meryl the Whore/Dulcinea - Meryl Stryfe (Meryl)
Midvalley the Innkeeper/The Governor - Midvalley the Hornfreak (Midvalley/MHGov)
Dr. Knives/The Duke - Millions Knives (Knives/MKDuke)
Padre Legato - Legato Bluesummers (Legato)
Dominique the Niece - Dominique the Cyclops (Dominique)
The Housekeeper - Milly Thompson (Milly)
Rai-Dei the Barber - Rai-Dei the Blade (Rai-Dei)
Monev, Head Muleteer - Monev the Gale (Monev)
Leonef, Muleteer - Leonef the Puppeteer (Leonef)
Zazie, Muleteer - Zazie the Beast (Zazie)
Caine, Muleteer - Caine the Longshot (Caine)
E.G. Mine, Muleteer - E.G. Mine (EGMine)
Maria, the Innkeeper's Wife - Random Female Prisoner. (Maria)

Songs-

"Man of La Mancha (I, Don Quixote)" - Don Quixote and Wolfwood
*
Disclaimer: I do not own Trigun. I do not own "Man of La Mancha" which the script to, and the songs of, belong to Dale Wasserman and Joe Darion. The story of Don Quixote belongs to Miguel de Cervantes. I'm not making money off this, and I'm a broke college student anyway so there's no point in sueing me.

**********

Locale: Spain at the end of the 16th century.

The prison room is scattered with many people of different backgrounds, both male and female. Above, a staircase is lowered and the soldiers of the Inquisition enter, followed by two men and a large chest. The two men are both tall, the first man has shaggy black hair and piercing blue eyes. He is carrying a tattered journal in one hand and a large, covered cross in the other, he also has a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He's wearing a black suit with a white shirt and a pair of black sunglasses. The second man is about the same height as the first, with spiky blonde hair and green eyes. He has a small mole below his left eye and is wearing a long red coat, along with a pair of golden sunglasses. He is carrying the large chest on one shoulder. Everyone else is wearing normal 16th century, Spanish clothing.

The first man glances around the room uncertainly.

Captain Chapel: (smiles sardonically) Something wrong? Are the accommodations not what you wished?
Wolfwood de Cervantes: No… No, they're quite… interesting…
Chapel: The cells are below. This is the common room for those awaiting their judgement.
Wolfwood: How long do they wait?
Chapel: Some an hour… Some a lifetime.
Wolfwood: Do they all await the Inquisition?
Chapel: Ah… No. These are merely thieves and murderers. (turns to leave) If you need anything, just shout… If you're able…

Captain Chapel and the other men of the Inquisition leave, taking the stairway with them. Vash sets the chest down on the floor and sits on it. Wolfwood leans the cross against the chest and pushes his sunglasses on top of his head.

Vash the Manservant: What do you think he meant by that?
Wolfwood: You're so naïve… It's a good thing they didn't open the cross.
Vash: Actually…
Wolfwood: You let them look!?! (Vash cringes) You IDIOT! Now we're gonna die…

The other inhabitants of the common room have begun coming closer to the two men, and are circling around the strangely dressed men, like animals hunting their prey. The two men stand back to back nervously.

Vash: I didn't exactly LET them look, but it wasn't like I could stop them… Those Inquisition guys are really mean.

Wolfwood smacks his forehead and turns on Vash, preparing to kill the blonde himself. Unfortunately the other prisoners had the same idea and attacked at that very moment. Wolfwood and Vash are pinned to the ground as the other prisoners rifle through their pockets. In the corner a man, holding a saxophone, awakens from a nap and turns his attention to the two new persons.

Midvalley the Governor: Shut up, all of you! Jeez… Noise, fights… Kill each other if you must, but for God's sake, do it quietly! (to Wolfwood) Who are you?
Wolfwood: Wolfwood! Don Nicholas Miguel Wolfwood de Cervantes!
MHGov: (mockingly) Ooh… a gentleman!

The other prisoners let Wolfwood and Vash get to their feet.

Vash: *blink* Wolfwood? A gentleman…? (suppresses laughter. Wolfwood glares at him.)
Wolfwood: Quiet you. (to Midvalley) Being a gentleman never stopped me from going to bed hungry.
MHGov: (points to Vash) And that?
Vash: Who are you calling a "that"!?!
Wolfwood: My servant, Vash.
Vash: SERVANT!?!?
Wolfwood: (pulling Vash aside) If you want to get out alive, shut up, smile and nod your head, 'kay?

Vash grumblingly agrees. Wolfwood turns back to Midvalley.

Wolfwood: And your name…?
MHGov: Midvalley the Hornfreak, but around here, they call me The Governor. So what are you in for? Pickpocket? Highwayman?
Vash: Poetry.

Wolfwood glares at Vash and blushes a little. Midvalley leans forward with an eyebrow raised.

MHGov: …Poetry?
Wolfwood: Uh… well… I'm a poet… and a priest…
Knives the Duke: (Comes out of the shadows, eyeing Vash.) They're putting men in prison for that now, then?
MHGov: You know it's bad when they start throwing priests in jail…
Wolfwood: *sweatdrop* No, not for that…
Vash: What? You mean we're not in jail for that poem you wrote? Then what are we in jail for?
Wolfwood: Oh, shut up Vash.

Midvalley and Knives look at each other and smile.

MHGov: Well then, we'd better get on with the trial!
Vash: What trial?
MHGov: Yours.
Wolfwood: But what have we done?
MHGov: Does it matter? No one enters this prison without being tried by his fellow prisoners.
Wolfwood: And if we're found guilty?
MHGov: Oh, you will be.
Wolfwood: What will our sentence be?
MHGov: We normally fine a fellow prisoner all of his belongings.
Vash: All of them?
MKDuke: All.

Wolfwood's eyes widen and he glances at his cross.

MHGov: Well, there's no point in trying to take more…
Wolfwood: But! Those things are our livelihood!
MHGov: I thought you said you were a Priest and a Poet?
Wolfwood: A Poet of the Theatre, and… well… we won't go into the details of the priesthood…

Midvalley eyes him suspiciously and walks to the trunk and the cross. He ignores the cross and opens the trunk. He pulls a sword from its depths.

MHGov: You lie!
Wolfwood: They're costumes and props. I'm an actor, and a playwright. So these things could not be of any use… to…

Wolfwood's words fade suddenly and he makes a grab for the sword. Midvalley dodges him however and tosses the sword to someone else. A huge mess ensues, involving all of the costumes and props being thrown about by the prisoners. Wolfwood and Vash run around desperately trying to retrieve them, but finally give up, realising the futility.

Wolfwood: Fine, take them all.
Vash: Wolfwood!
Wolfwood: Oh, let them have them. Just… don't take the cross… not that any of you could lift it anyway, and… this…

Wolfwood clutches the journal in his hands. Knives, of course, takes the journal from Wolfwood and tosses it to Midvalley.

MHGov: It's heavy… Is it valuable?
Wolfwood: Only to me.
MHGov: We could ransom it to you…
Wolfwood: I have no money.

Midvalley opens the journal and flips through it quickly.

MHGov: It's nothing but paper!
Vash: It's a manuscript!
MHGov: Still worthless!

Midvalley walks to the fire, and holds out the journal, intending to throw it in. Wolfwood takes a step forward.

Wolfwood: Wait! You said I could have a trial!
MHGov: (Irritatedly) Oh… alright.

Vash and Wolfwood are pushed into a quickly improvised dock and the "court" arranges itself, with Midvalley at the head.

MHGov: I now declare this court in session! Alright, what are you in for?
Wolfwood: …We are to appear before the Inquisition…

There are some gasps heard in the crowd a few people cross themselves.

MHGov: Heresy?
Wolfwood: Not exactly… I had been employed by the government as a tax-collector…
MHGov: Poet, actor, priest, and tax-collector?
Wolfwood: Something temporary to keep us from starving…
MHGov: And how does a tax-collector get in trouble with the Inquisition?
Vash: (murmurs) By trying to seduce the daughter of- OW!

Wolfwood kicks Vash roughly and grins as he clamps his hand over Vash's mouth. Midvalley raises an eyebrow at this display.

Wolfwood: I made an assessment against the Monastery of La Merced. When they wouldn't pay, I issued a lien on the property.
MHGov: What?
Vash: He foreclosed on a church…
MHGov: Then why are you here?
Vash: …Someone had to deliver the papers…

Midvalley stares incredulously at the two men and puts a hand to his head.

MHGov: These two have cobwebs in their heads!
Wolfwood: The law says to treat everyone equally! We were only following the law!

Knives took a step forward and grinned at the two men on trial.

MKDuke: Governor, if you don't mind, I would like to prosecute this case.
MHGov: Why you?
MKDuke: Let's say that I dislike stupidity. Especially when it pretends to be virtue. Nicholas Miguel Wolfwood de Cervantes! I charge you with being an idealist, a bad poet, and an honest man. How plead you?
Wolfwood: Guilty.
Vash: Since when are you an honest man?
Wolfwood: Kiss my ass, Vash.
MHGov: Bravo! That was a short trial!

Midvalley walks toward the fire again with the journal.

Wolfwood: What about my defence!?
MHGov: But you just pleaded guilty…
Wolfwood: (Smiling) Had I said "innocent" you surely would have found me guilty. Since I have admitted guilt, the court must hear me out.
MHGov: And why, pray tell, must they do that?
Wolfwood: The jury may choose to be lenient.
MHGov: (chuckling) Clever…
MKDuke: He's trying to buy time!
Wolfwood: (sarcastically) And I'm sure you have so many important appointments to attend.

Knives grinds his teeth and glares at Wolfwood as the crowd around him laughs. Midvalley gestures to Wolfwood to continue.

Wolfwood: It is true that I am guilty of these charges. An idealist? Well, I have never had the courage to believe in nothing… A bad poet? That I must acquiesce to, no matter how painful it may be to admit. And an honest man…

Vash coughs and stares wistfully at the ceiling. Wolfwood ignores him.

MHGov: Have you finished yet?
Wolfwood: No! I have scarcely begun! With your permission, I should like to continue my defence in the manner of a charade…
MHGov: A charade?
Wolfwood: A play… an entertainment if you will…
MHGov: (Intrigued) Entertainment!
Wolfwood: Yes. At worse, it shall take up some of your time that this man finds to be so precious… (Indicates Knives) Since my cast of characters is large, I shall ask all here to assist me in playing the roles-
MKDuke: Governor! I protest!
MHGov: Oh, be quiet Duke!
Wolfwood: Then, with your permission, may I set the stage?

Midvalley nods his assent. Vash and Wolfwood scurry around the room, gathering costumes and props. Vash then sits centre stage as Wolfwood begins to add makeup to Vash's face as he speaks.

Wolfwood: Vash here, shall impersonate a man… His name is Vash the Stampede… A country man, not as young as he used to be. Being a retired man, he has much time for books. He studies them night and day. All that he reads fills him with indignation at the way man treats each other. He broods… and broods… and broods some more… and finally his brain dries up from so much brooding! He lays down the melancholy burden of sanity and conceives the strangest project ever… to become a knight-errant and sally forth into the world to right all wrongs. No longer shall he be plain Vash the Stampede… but a dauntless knight known as Don Quixote de La Mancha!!

Wolfwood takes a step back from Vash and smiles as the prisoners giggle at Vash's transformation into Don Quixote. Vash opens his mouth and sings, to Wolfwood's surprise.

DQVash: Hear me now, oh thou bleak and unbearable world!
Thou art base and debauched as can be;
And a knight with his banners all bravely unfurled.
Now hurls down his gauntlet to thee!
I am I, Don Quixote,
The Lord of La Mancha,
My destiny calls and I go;
And the wild winds of fortune will carry me onward,
Oh whithersoever they blow.
Whithersoever they blow,
Onward to glory I go!

Wolfwood glances around and notices that the prisoners seem to be enjoying the song. He shrugs and begins to sing as well.

SanchoWW: I'm Wolfwood! Yes, I'm Wolfwood!
I'll follow the loony till the end.
I'll tell all the world shamefully
I'm his squire! I'm his friend!

DQVash: Hear me, heathens and wizards and serpents of sin!
All your dastardly doings are past;
For a holy endeavour is now to begin,
And virtue shall triumph at last!

Wolfwood takes a deep breath and closes his eyes in embarrassment as Vash throws an arm around his shoulder.

DQVash/(SanchoWW): I am I, Don Quixote, (I'm Wolfwood! Yes, I'm Wolfwood!)
The Lord of La Mancha, (I'll follow the loony till the end.)
My destiny calls and I go; (I'll tell all the world shamefully)
And the wild winds of fortune will carry me onward (I'm his squire!)
Oh, whithersoever they blow! (I'm his friend!)
Whithersoever they blow, (Whithersoever they blow,)
Onward to glory we go! (Onward to glory we go!)

Wolfwood opens his eyes uncertainly and finds that the whole room is their captive audience. He sighs in relief and pantomimes leading "horses" to a well to drink. Vash stretches.

DQVash: Well, Sancho-how dost thou like adventuring?
SanchoWW: *coughs* Wolfwood *coughs*…It's marvellous, Your Grace… But it's peculiar… This great highway to glory looks exactly like the road to El Toboso where you can buy chickens cheaply.
DQVash: Like beauty my dear Sancho, 'tis all in the eye of the beholder. Only wait and thou shalt see amazing sights.

Wolfwood glares at Vash as he emphasises "Sancho"

SanchoWW: Oh? Like what?
DQVash: There will be knights and nations, warlocks, wizards… a cavalcade of vast, unending armies!
SanchoWW: (Uncertain) They sound dangerous.
DQVash: Of course they do, that's because they are! But the one who leads them… He will be the most dangerous of all…
SanchoWW: Who?
DQVash: The Great Enchanter. Beware him, Sancho…
SanchoWW: Wolfwood.
DQVash: (Ignores him) His thoughts are cold and his spirit shrivelled. He has eyes like little machines, and where he walks the earth is blighted. One day I shall meet him face to face… and on that day! (Vash shakes the prop being used for a lance ferociously.)
SanchoWW: Well, I wouldn't get upset, Your Grace. As I always say, have patience and shuffle the cards.
DQVash: Do you never run out of proverbs?
SanchoWW: (grins) No, Your Grace. I was born with a bellyful of them. I always say-
DQVash: Ah ha!
SanchoWW: What is it?
DQVash: How long has it been since we sallied forth?
SanchoWW: (glances at his watch) About two minutes?
Vash: (Falling out of character) Wait a sec… How do you have a watch? It's the 16th century!
Wolfwood: You're interrupting the flow of the story.
Vash: Oh yeah, sorry… (Coughs and falls back into character)
DQVash: So soon I shall engage in brave, unequal combat!
SanchoWW: Combat? Where?
DQVash: (points into the distance) Can'st not see? A monstrous giant of infamous repute!
SanchoWW: (Puts a hand over his eyes, as if to shield them from the sun) What giant?
DQVash: It is that dark and dreaded ogre by the name of Matagoger! You can tell him by the four great arms awhirling on his back!
SanchoWW: (raises an eyebrow dubiously) It's a windmill.
DQVash: (shouting as he charges toward the "giant") Ho! Feckless giant standing there! Avast! Avaunt! On guard! Beware!
MHGov: (whispering to a man next to him) What's "avaunt" mean?

The man shrugs and they return their attention to the play. Wolfwood stares off in the direction that Vash has run and cringes as crashes are heard and props come flying back toward him. Wolfwood ducks as Vash's helmet goes flying over his head.

SanchoWW: No, no, Your Grace, I swear by my wife's little black moustache… *cough* Uh… I mean… I swear by… no, not that either… I promise you that it's not a giant! It's only a-

Wolfwood cringes again as more props fly over his head. After a moment, Vash comes crawling back into view, his sword a corkscrew and his armour full of dents. Wolfwood crouches in front of Vash and shakes his head.

SanchoWW: Didn't I tell you it was a windmill?
DQVash: The work of my enemy…
SanchoWW: The Enchanter?
DQVash: He changed the giant into a windmill at the last moment. He will take any advantage in order to- Wait! Sancho!
SanchoWW: Wolfwood.
DQVash: (Ignores him) It comes to me!
SanchoWW: (Sighs) What is that Your Grace?
DQVash: (Sits up) How he was able to upset me. It is because I have never been properly dubbed a knight!
SanchoWW: That's no problem. Just tell me how it's done and I'll be glad to take care of this clubbing.
DQVash: Dubbing. Thank you my friend, but it may only be done by another knight.
SanchoWW: (Curses silently under his breath. He really wanted to club Vash.) That's a problem. I've never seen another knight.
DQVash: The lord of some castle would do. Or a king or a duke.
SanchoWW: (Helps Vash to his feet) Very well. I'll keep an eye out for any kings or dukes as we go.
DQVash: (Stares into the distance) Ahh!
SanchoWW: (Fearfully) Now what?
DQVash: The very place!
SanchoWW: …Where?
DQVash: There!
SanchoWW: (Looks at Vash as if he's lost a screw) If Your Grace would give me a direction?
DQVash: There, in the distance. A castle!
SanchoWW: (Looks around vainly) Castle…
DQVash: Rockabound amidst the crags!
SanchoWW: …Crags.
DQVash: And the banners! The brave banners flaunting in the wind!
SanchoWW: And pray tell, what do these banners look like?
DQVash: (Shields his eyes) I see a cat crouching on a field tawny… and beneath it the inscription "Miau"!
SanchoWW: (Nods his head, humouring the second man) Oh, alright… Maybe this is where Your Grace might be rubbed.
DQVash: Dubbed. Blow thy bugle that a dwarf may mount the battlements and announce our coming!
SanchoWW: What bugle?
DQVash: Come! We will go to the castle!
SanchoWW: …But I don't see a castle. I do see something, it looks like an inn.
DQVash: (Shakes his head) An inn…
SanchoWW: We'd better pass it by, Your Grace. Those places are full of rough men and women…
DQVash: Come. We shall ride straight to the drawbridge of yon castle, and there thy vision may improve!