Oro-chan
(or, the alternative title could read: "Snooglie-Poo")
AN: I penned this little missing moment from "A Day in the Life" to say thanks for one-hundred reviews. Following on from that, it may be deduced that this piece of weirdness is dedicated to every single one of you people. You are too cool!
Warning: Possible cute overload...
It had been a long, dull journey through Wind and Fire aboard the 8:25 express to Konohagakure Central Station, and Chiyo was sincerely glad to be flopping across the big, comfy guest bed in the quaint, suburban family home of her old colleague, Izanami. Although it was a big change from the last time the two women had met to catch up - a big change - and Chiyo wasn't sure whether she liked it or not.
Just over four years ago, Chiyo vividly recalled in Izanami an aggressive and ambitious young woman, living in a studio flat in an up-and-coming area of Sunagakure and working alongside her long-term boyfriend, Izanagi, as an exports exec. for Konoha Corp. Chiyo had shared many a night of hard-drinking, smoking and gambling with the fiery strip of a girl - and when Izanagi and Ebizou had accompanied them, it had only doubled the raucous fun (and the available cash fund for blackjack).
Inevitably, though, as these things go when members of the opposite sex are inclined to co-habit, Izanami managed to get herself "knocked up", as it were. A few months later, Izanagi's promotion followed, which resulted in their upping sticks and returning to Konoha. The last Chiyo had heard from either of the two was that they had managed to acquire both a beautiful, little detached house in the suburbs of Konohagakure and a child. A bouncing baby boy by the name of Orochimaru.
Three years had passed since then. Work and other commitments on Chiyo's part had meant that she hadn't been able to visit, although now, she was senior enough in Suna Corp. that demanding time off on a whim was becoming much less a far-off luxury and more like an inalienable right. Thus, she had decided, "to hell with it," and had phoned Izanami to tell her she was coming to Konoha. Izanami had been delighted and had offered her a place to stay, and... well...
So far, it had been interesting to say the least.
"Chiyo! Chiyo, are you alright up there?" a cheerful, sing-song voice rang out from the bottom of the stairs. "Would you like any help unpacking?"
She sighed and sat up, pinching the bridge of her nose in despair. When had Izanami become so... so wholesome and chirpy? She had answered the door in a gingham dress and an apron, for christ's sake! It was like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Or even - heaven forbid - Stepford Wives...
Chiyo shuddered. Suddenly, she really needed a drink.
"Hello? Hello, Chiyo? Chiyo? Are you alright?"
Chiyo smiled and shook her head ruefully. It was going to be a long weekend.
"Ahhhh! There you are, Chiyo. I was getting worried about you," Izanami chirped, clapping her hands together, as Chiyo made her way into the kitchen. "I thought for a moment that you were hiding away from us! Hee hee!"
"Ha. Yes. Hiding away. What ever made you think that?" Chiyo replied with a strained smile, trying not to let it show that hiding away in her room and later sneaking out to a rowdy bar in the centre of town had been very much a viable option ten minutes ago.
"So..." she said, looking round about for something safe to talk about. "You're making cookies then?"
"Oh yes!" Izanami exclaimed, her pretty face lighting up with domestic glee. "Oatmeal and raisin. They're Oro-chan's favourite. He won't eat anything else. Oh! And speaking of the devil, there's someone I think you might like to meet!" she added, tapping the side of her nose as though letting Chiyo in on a big, significant secret. "I'll be back in two shakes of a lambykin's tail!"
Now no longer in doubt as to the apparent personality transplant, Chiyo simply stood there, struck dumb, as Izanami skipped through the screen doors leading out into the spacious garden. A few seconds later, she returned, with a small child in her arms: a chubby, round-faced toddler with big, mournful, wide eyes and long, silky black hair.
"Oro-chan," she chirped, nuzzling the small boy and kissing him. "Say hello to Chiyo! She's a friend of mummy's!"
The child stared at Chiyo.
Chiyo stared at the child.
Neither appeared particularly impressed by the other.
"Oh, Chiyo, isn't he just darling!" Izanami exclaimed, gazing down at her offspring, her eyes glittering with pride.
Since Izanami had addressed her directly, ignoring that question, sadly, was not an option.
"Yes, he is a cute little thing," Chiyo said, after a pause, trying on a smile for the mother's benefit.
And that was true. Izanami's wide-eyed three year-old was more fortunate, at least, than her own grandchild, Sasori, of whom Ebizou remarked upon first viewing that he "looked like a thug."
"Oh, I'm so glad you think so!" Izanami replied, giving her son a few more hugs and sprinkling them with kisses. "Well, I mean, everyone thinks so! Why, Sarutobi told me just the other day there when I was taking Oro-chan out for a stroll round the park that he'd never seen a more darling child."
"Oh, really? That's nice," Chiyo said, suddenly feeling a strong urge to wrap her fingers around Izanami's flawless, swan-like neck and throttle some sense into her.
"Yes, and his wife was there, too, wasn't she Oro-chan? And didn't she say how much she'd love to take you home with her?" Izanami whispered, tickling Orochimaru under the chin. "But she can't - no, she can't, because you're mummy's little schnooglie-poo, aren't you? Yes..."
That was it. There was no hope whatsoever for recovery. Izanami had lapsed into the evil habit of "talking to other fully mature and intelligent adults through the infant offspring", and there would be no way out of it until the boy had graduated from the Academy at least. Chiyo knew she shouldn't blame the boy - but he was the one who had turned her, she knew it! The little perisher had used his overwhelming cuteness to poison his mother's mind, turning her into another desperate housewife with nothing else to do but look after the "darling" baby.
Orochimaru continued to stare at Chiyo, the stranger, from the safety of his mother's arms. Well if he thought he was going to melt her mind into a puddle of glutinous, adoring mush, he could think again!
Thus, Chiyo returned the stare. With interest.
She didn't like the little brat. Not at all.
And by the way Orochimaru stuck his tongue out at her when his mother's back was turned, it seemed the feeling was mutual.
"Will you be okay with him, Chiyo?"
For the last time, woman, I can handle children. I have two kids of my own - three if you count Ebizou - and a demon for a grandchild, for crying out loud...
"Of course. I'm sure Oro-chan won't give me any trouble," Chiyo called out, her tone bright and airy, but giving the toddler a warning look over her copy of the Konoha Sunday Times.
"All right, then!" Izanami said in her sing-song voice, smiling inanely and scooping up her disarmingly cute son, showering him with kisses. "Bye bye, fuzzy-wumpkins! Mummy's going out to buy some special ice-cream for you, yes she is! Now you be good for Auntie Chiyo. Mummy won't be long!"
Izanami deposited her son on the carpet and handed him a somewhat ragged-looking stuffed snake.
"There you go, Oro-chan," she chirped. "Now be good!"
Planting a last kiss upon her infant son's forehead, she vanished into the hall and out the front door.
Chiyo sighed with relief and swung her feet up onto the sofa. Peace and quiet could be had at last, as the Sunday Sudoku beckoned. She had only just opened up the giant Sudoku puzzle centre spread when she felt a little tug at the hem of her kimono. Lowering the edges of the paper a fraction, she peered over the top of it to see little Orochimaru staring up at her.
"Who are you?" he said.
"Shh... Don't bother me, kid," she said, annoyed.
Another tug.
"What's your name?"
Chiyo sighed and rolled her eyes.
"It's Chiyo. My name is Chiyo."
The child appeared to look thoughtful for a second. Then he gazed up into her eyes and the corners of his little mouth turned upward in a shy smile.
"Can I have a cookie?" he said sweetly.
Oh, yes. Here we go. Your true colours are exposed at last. I know what you're all about, mister. There will be no cookies for you as long as I'm around...
Chiyo looked away and casually slipped in a nine in the top corner box with a biro.
"No," she said. "You cannot have a cookie. Now stop bothering me."
Clearly, this was something new to little Orochimaru, as his brow rumpled in puzzlement. He appeared to think for a moment, before turning on the cuteness and making another attempt. "Cookie, Chiyo?"
"No," she said bluntly. "Now be quiet, I'm trying to concentrate! This is a fiendish one I'm on today."
"Why not?"
Dear sweet mother of... Already the little shit was becoming exasperating. What this one needed was a good, old-fashioned telling-off and a spank. In Chiyo's house, no meant no, and that's all there was to it. This little demon seemed to be operating on a different level.
Well, he'll be in for a shock when he's through with me...
"You are not having a cookie because I said so," Chiyo said smoothly. "Now go sit and play with your mouldy old snake..."
"Snakey," Orochimaru said, frowning now. "His name is Snakey. And I want a cookie! I want a cookie! Give me a cookie now, or I'll scream!"
"You can scream all you like, Oro-chan, but it won't get you anywhere," she sang in response, loving the thunderous look on the little boy's round, angelic face. "You won't manipulate me like you manipulate your poor parents. You are not having a cookie, and that's final."
Immediately, the toddler's bottom lip began to tremble. It took a few seconds for him to build it up, but when the floodgates opened, he let out the most ear-piercing shriek Chiyo had ever had the misfortune to hear. Orochimaru dropped to the floor and started hammering on the carpet with his little fists, howling and crying and screaming and writhing.
"I WANT A COOKIE!! I WANT A COOKIE!! I WANT A COOKIE!!"
For a while, Chiyo just stood there, marvelling at the ferocity and the duration of the toddler's tantrum. Even her own kids, who had been pretty horrendous, had got bored and given up after a few minutes. Not this one. Even Sasori, the most horrendous child she had ever come into contact with couldn't hold a candle to him. It appeared that little Orochimaru was willing to go all out to get his way. If that was the case, then fuzzy-wumpkins would be in for a rude awakening.
Rolling up her sleeves, Chiyo grabbed the screaming brat by the collar of his kimono and made to drag him outside. The results were spectacular.
"LET GO!! LET GO!!" Orochimaru shrieked madly, turning round and kicking Chiyo in the shins with all his little toddler might. "LET GO!! I WANT SNAKEY! I WANT SNAKEY!! I HATE YOU!! LET GO!! LET GOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
Gritting her teeth, Chiyo dragged the violently flailing toddler across room, through into the kitchen and out into the garden. Any sort of coherent utterances he might have intended to make had morphed into one continuous blood-curdling scream. It was worse than nails down a blackboard. Much, much worse. By the time she managed to deposit him, snivelling, on the grass, there were little red teeth marks on her right forearm. She grimaced.
"Now you listen to me, Orochimaru," Chiyo said, kneeling down and waving a finger at him sternly. "I've brought you outside because you've been a bad boy."
Tears began to stream down the little boy's cheeks as he scowled at the ground.
"There are no cookies outside, so you will just have to make do and play," she went on, softening slightly at the sight of him looking so forlorn. "Do you understand me, Oro-chan?"
Little Orochimaru snorted with derision, stuck his tongue out, and sped towards one of the flower-beds. In vengeance, he commenced to gouge out great chunks of earth, tearing up Izanagi's carefully arranged tulips, begonias and petunias with petulant fervour. Oh well. Izanagi would have to deal with it later. It would be good to leave the kid to let out his steam for a bit. As long as he wasn't biting or fighting or throwing a fit.
Five minutes later, Orochimaru did calm down a little, and he approached Chiyo - his pale, round face smudged with dirt - and whispered, "Snakey?"
Snakey was retrieved shortly from the living room floor, and as a reward for comparatively good behaviour, a tub of Duplo blocks was also provided. For a blessed ten minutes, Chiyo basked in the summer sun, alternating in keeping a close eye on her Sunday Sudoku and on Izanami's little terror of a son, although he seemed to have worn himself out and appeared appeased by the peace offering of Duplo blocks.
His little brow furrowed in concentration, and his mouth worked industriously as he pressed a big yellow piece into a blue piece. He looked up and smiled. "Green!" he announced.
Well, the little tyke was clever, there was no denying that. Chiyo rewarded him with an approving nod and beckoned him over, setting down her Sunday Sudoku supplement. "Come here, Oro-chan, and show me."
Beaming, Orochimaru toddled across the grass and handed over his creation. His mouth still working industriously. Had his mother given him a sweet before she left? No, she couldn't have. She never had time. And with the horrendous tantrum the cheeky little monkey had thrown, he would've choked on a sweet or spat it out.
"Orochimaru," she began, drawing him a calculating look. "What's that in your mouth."
When Orochimaru didn't respond, Chiyo tried again, with a little more insistence.
"Orochimaru, didn't you hear me? What is that you're eating?"
The toddler looked up and smiled. "Yummy slug!" he announced proudly.
Instantly, Chiyo felt her face contort and a shiver ran up her spine. The boy's mouth was still going at it. If he swallowed...
Chiyo had to suppress a strong wave of nausea at the thought of a slimy, slippery slug sliding down her throat, tasting of salt and snot.
"O-Orochimaru, dear, you're going to have to spit it out," she began, fighting the urge to tackle the revolting little boy to the ground and physically remove the slug. "It's not nice to eat slugs."
"No!" he said, folding his arms and looking cross.
"Now, Oro-chan—"
"NO!!" he shouted, scowling and stomping his foot.
The second time he shouted, Chiyo caught a glimpse of the offending slug and gagged. The poor thing had been sucked dry.
Right... That's it. I have to get it off him. That's just... Ugh... Horrible, little boy...
"Orochimaru," she said, rising to her feet, "I'm coming to get the slug."
"Noooooo!" he wailed, once again offering Chiyo a glimpse of the unfortunate, desiccated mollusk.
As soon as Chiyo took a step towards him, the boy took off like a shot in the opposite direction. A lengthy chase ensued, where Orochimaru's youthful energy proved to be an advantage against Chiyo's 30-a-day and half a bottle of bourbon habit. Eventually, however, the toddler was cornered by a wheezing Chiyo.
"The slug..." she breathed. "Spit it out!"
"NO!!" Orochimaru yelled, unrelenting.
"Fine then... You asked for it!"
Chiyo lunged, but so did Orochimaru - right underneath her legs - and he began to tear away in the direction of the goldfish pond.
Oh shit... Ohshitohshitohshit...
Terror suddenly seized Chiyo at the thought of confessing to Izanagi and Izanami that she had let their cute, chubby, beloved and only son drown in the fish pond under her watch. Summoning a last burst of strength, she raced after the little boy - but he was too fast. He was almost at the water's edge...
"Oro-chan!" she yelled. "Watch out, or you'll fall in!"
And as if on cue, little Orochimaru looked round, tripped on the hem of his kimono and fell face-first into the fish pond with a splash. Goldfish were startled. Water-features were obliterated. Lily pads were torn to pieces - and frogs looked on, rather bemused by the whole affair. Orochimaru started shrieking and flailing as he sunk, not possessing satisfactory motor-skills to be able to keep himself afloat. But seconds later, Chiyo's arms reached in and hauled him out by the waist, covered in foul-smelling green algae and crying his little eyes out.
"There, there, you silly boy," Chiyo said, giving him a cuddle and wiping his eyes. "You won't do that again, will you?"
Orochimaru responded with a whimper.
"Right," Chiyo said, smiling. "Then let's get you cleaned up before your mother and father come—"
Chiyo looked up to see Izanagi and Izanami gazing out the kitchen window in horror - and a split second later, both worried parents were sprinting down the length of the garden. Orochimaru began to howl when he spotted them, and held out his hands to his father to be lifted up and comforted.
"Oh, Chiyo!" Izanami exclaimed, her voice tight with emotion. "I'm so glad you were here. I'd hate to think... My special little..." She trailed off and began to sob.
"Oh, it's alright," Chiyo replied, choosing conveniently to leave out the slug debacle and the incriminating fact that she had been the one who had caused him to fall into the goldfish pond in the first place. "You would have done the same if it were my little Sasori, no doubt."
"Oh yes! Yes, definitely!" Izanami choked out between sobs. "I mean, I—"
"Then say no more," Chiyo said with a warm smile. "Now, I think we should all go inside and get this little one cleaned up..."
After his bath, Orochimaru had come toddling downstairs, heading straight for Chiyo, who had retired to the sofa, having almost finished her fiendish sudoku.
He had held his hands out to be lifted, and Chiyo smiled and plopped him onto her lap. He hadn't moved since. It was seven o'clock, and he was curled up, sleeping peacefully and (quite possibly) digesting a slug.
"So, what do you think of him, Chiyo?" Izanagi ventured.
She didn't think she'd ever warm to the boy, but she had. He was spoiled rotten, that was obvious - but underneath that, he was quite the little character - and clever too.
She fell silent for a moment and regarded the small boy, as though weighing him up and checking all facts before she made any sort of prediction. Then she smiled and said, "He's a handful, that's for sure - but he's clever and he's got a lot of spunk. He'll go far, Izanagi."
The proud father beamed, and turned to his wife as if to say, "I knew it all along."
Izanami kissed her husband and rubbed noses with him. Then they giggled inanely.
When she was sure they weren't looking, Chiyo rolled her eyes, gently shifted Orochimaru onto the sofa, and went out into the hall to ring Sarutobi to see whether he wanted to go out to a rowdy bar for a drink. God knows she needed one. Anything to get away from the sickening picture of domestic bliss.
Then Chiyo had an evil thought. Perhaps next time, she would bring Sasori and the two boys could play together. If that didn't ruffle their wholesome, suburban, homely feathers and drive then to drink, then nothing would.