Don't let him see the damage.
So I recently fell in love with this show and have watched all of them and am now prepared for the eighth season. I've read a lot of fanfic that was done well but many people seem to write about the doctor dealing with guilt so I wanted to write one where River has guilt because we all know that she holds some for the role she plays in Utah.
Please review! I also have a Merlin fic up. Reviews help to know if I should continue it or not
Thanks Guys Be Safe!
~lvamp1192
River lived with a constant pang of guilt because of the role she played in her husband's death. He had told her that she was forgiven. Forever and always forgiven but she couldn't handle it. She didn't deserve him. He deserved better than her and she knew it. Stormcage is where she belonged. Away. As long as she was there he was safe right? The only problem she wasn't there, she was on the TARDIS right next to him.
Amy and Rory had gone to bed leaving her sitting in the console room with her doctor. He was rambling about the dangers of residual time energy when it comes into contact with certain things but she was barely listening, trapped in the dark recesses of her mind.
"Where do we go tomorrow river? Any place in mind? We can span the universe."
The doctor jovially waited for a reply but when one didn't come he looked over at river. She was sitting just staring off into space. He made his way over to her an knelt in front of her. "River." He stated softly. She flinched at the sound of his voice but looked at him and quickly plastered a smile on her face.
"You okay?" He asked in a whisper.
"Yeah sweetie of course, sorry I'm just a little tired."
"Yeah. Well off you pop then." He whispered with a small smile before enveloping her in a hug and giving her a chaste kiss on her lips.
She quickly left his grasp as tears were beginning to fall against her control. She turned so he couldn't see and walked to their shared room. He watched her go, knowing there was something she wasn't telling him. "I wish you wouldn't shut me out. I could help." He whispered to himself.
Meanwhile, river sat in the bathroom clutching the blade she had grown to love over the years. she let the tears flow as she dragged it across her arm repeatedly until the majority of her arm was a crimson red. She then jumped in the shower tears still flowing and washed away her guilt and shame. She looked up at the ceiling of the TARDIS before quietly saying "our secret old girl. Don't let him see the damage. We know better." The TARDIS shook slightly in disagreement but ultimately hummed knowing it was better that some secrets are kept. She continued to let the water run over her letting her mind go numb until there was a knock at the door. "River, is everything alright?"
"Yes sweetie. Be out in a second."
She dried off and put on her fluffy white robe and opened the door. "Sorry sweetie, we don't have showers like that at stormcage."
He chucked and smiled at her, " it's always here, whenever you need it."
She smiled in return knowing he wasn't really talking about the shower.