A/N: Yay! My first UlquiHime one-shot! Not in a romantic sense, unless you squint really hard. I really love this pairing. Yes, I have no shame, all you rabid IchixRuki, IshiHime (continues to list every single popular pairing)…..fans.

Warning: very bad characterization and Orihime's imagination twisted to sound like something I thought of

Disclaimer: See, if I owned Bleach, it would become a shoujo manga titled Bleach: Laundry Service , and I would be laughing at the losers who write fan fiction for it….only to realize that my version is so sucky, nobody writes fan fiction for it….but that's IF I did. Since I don't, I guess I have two options:

A: Marry Kubo Tite (knockout gas, then kidnapping, of course) or

B: Just keep dreaming and remain as an aforementioned loser who writes fan fiction for Kubo Tite's awesome creation….I think we can cross out Option A….

In a small room inside of the enormous palace, Las Noches (which is in Hueco Mundo, lovely place to become God, according to Aizen, so if planning to visit, death is a requirement), fifteen-year-old Inoue Orihime stared at what her (evil, evil) captor/kidnapper held out with his right arm, left hand in the pocket of his hakama. It was some kind of white cloth with black here and there. She couldn't tell, because it was folded in a neat bundle.

"Wear this, woman."

Ulquiorra left it on the large couch (honestly, Orihime admitted that it was comfortable), and left to stand by the door.

"Umm…what is it?"

"It's a garment that Aizen-sama had ordered made for you."

Orihime blinked. "But, why?"

"His reasons are his own. Now wear it."

Orihime tentatively unfolded the bundle and held it up with both arms. "It's….different."

Ulquiorra closed his eyes. " Woman, it's clothing. Style is irrelevant here. Now put it on or I will force you into it."

At the prospect of having Ulquiorra, the short, cold….short Espada remove her clothing by force, Orihime gulped. Would he do it? If Aizen had ordered him, he would. But then, it would be an invasion of privacy, not to mention it would look like attempted rape. Oh! But if he dares to, she'll….file charges in court? Did Hueco Mundo even have a court system? She could imagine Aizen, sitting on his throne with a desk in black robes and wearing that curly white powdered wig, and she herself would be teary-eyed on the plaintiff stand, pointing an accusing finger at Ulquiorra, who stood in the defendant's stand, melancholically stone-faced as usual; the Arrancar males on his side and the females on her side, intense arguments erupting into full-blown fights, and Aizen would be banging his gavel shouting, "Order! Order in the Court! That's an order!…"

"…an order. Woman, are you listening? Change into the garment, that's an order."

Thee iciness in his quiet and calm voice could've easily frozen hell…twice over. But at least it made Orihime snap out of her musings. "Eh?"

Ulquiorra's eyes narrowed. "I will give you ten minutes to get dressed. If by then you are not dressed, I can easily arrange for you to be in the nude your entire stay. Your choice." He gracefully turned around, his coattails swishing after him, and headed towards the door. As an afterthought, he added' "Although, only a low-leveled idiot would pay you the time of day if you end up nude." And he slammed the door shut.

Orihime was glad he had his back turned around, otherwise, he would've seen her face turn every shade and tint of red. She hesitantly looked at the dress-like…thingy. At least, it looked like a poofy princess dress, mixed with short hakama pants. Ooh! And it had a cape, too! As for the fabric, it was a surprisingly soft type, similar to Egyptian cotton. Ulquiorra had also provided her with the customary black socks and white sandals.

She began undressing. First the sweater, then her blouse, then her skirt. Okay, she was now in her undergarments. It would have been helpful if she had brought an extra pair of panties. Honestly, if she was going to be held here for God knows how many days, she wouldn't like the idea of being in the same underwear every single day. Plus, what if she ended up having her period? And the outfit was white….a big no-no to wear when menstruating.

She shook her head. She was overreacting. She had her period two weeks ago, so no worries on feminine health…for now.

Somehow, she managed to get the thing over her round hips (after tripping five or six times trying to get into the hakama), but had a little difficulty when it came to her chest. Orihime had gotten used to ignoring the weight of her breasts ever since they grew, but now, she wished they hadn't. Fortunately the fabric, while stretched to its limit, managed to cover her breasts. She managed to get into the sleeves and zipped up the turtleneck part. If only there was a mirror so she could se how she looked in it. She looked down her front and twisted her head to look behind her back. So far so good. Now, she was done, and just barely because she heard a shift on the door, and Ulquiorra's voice saying, "Woman, I'm coming in."

He entered, his eyes sweeping up and down her figure and…no reaction. Well, not on his face. "Surprisingly, it suits you."

"Uh…really? Because, you see, there's no mirror so I couldn't see myself, and it's weird to wear something you can't see yourself in and-"

"Cease your idiotic banter, I'm only stating that the outfit ended up as Aizen-sama said it would, though I did have my doubts."

Ulquiorra didn't comment on anything else and headed towards her discarded pile of clothes. He picked them up and walked towards the door and was about to leave but not before Orihime decided to speak. It had been egging her that she didn't know how the dress looked like on her, so she asked the one question that no guy can or wants to answer.

"Um…Ulquiorra? Er….do I just call you Ulquiorra or, Ulquiorra-sama, or-"

"Ulquiorra is fine. That honorific only belongs to Aizen-sama, now get to the point, you're wasting my time."

"Uh…ok….um…does this outfit make me look fat?"

END

A/N: I thought it was funny. Is it funny when you think it's funny but nobody else does? Do I even make sense? No, I didn't think so.

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