CHAPTER ONE
A short young man rushed across the back stage and up the stairs to the top landing. He stopped at the second door and knocked as someone allowed him entry.
"Calista Flockhart? Fifteen seconds till curtain, Mrs. Flockhart."
"Thank you, Scooter." The Ally actress sat in front of the mirror brushing her short brown hair. "Oh, by the way, where's that salad I ordered?"
"Salad?" Scooter tried to think as scratched his nose. "Maybe the Swedish Chef is running a bit late."
Downstairs, Kermit the Frog heard screams and yells. Muppet versions of various animals jumped out of the way as the Muppet vegetables ran through screaming for their lives. Behind them, the Swedish Chef was running and cursing at them while he waved a butcher's knife.
"Vin de bona mor sor vin das salad vunt das Mrs. Flockhart!" He yelled in his mock Swedish accent. Kermit turned to an imaginary audience.
"Something tells me we've got a very interesting show tonight..." He ran out on stage and took his cue as the band started playing. He opened the door in the Muppet Show sign as he cried out.
"Welcome to the Muppet Show and our very special guest star, Miss Calista Flockhart. Yay!"
The band struck up the tune as the curtains parted. Several Muppet monsters started marching out to the show theme as the pointed to the Muppet dancers.
"It's time to start the music!" They sang; they danced. "It's time to light the lights. It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight!"
"It's time to put on make up; it's time to dress up right. It's time to get things started..."
"So why don't you get things started..." The audience loved the chance to join in the theme song.
"Oh why can't they just be funny..." Two old geezers called from the balcony.
"It's time to get things started..." Kermit took his place center stage. "For the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetanional...
"This is what we call The Muppet Show!"
Gonzo was lowered in the show sign ready to strike the gong. Before he could, Crazy Harry pushed in a plunger and blew him over the audience over fifty feet! Harry started laughing his long sadistic laugh.
CHAPTER TWO
"Hi ho, and welcome to the Muppet Show." Kermit came out on stage and called out. Although he was barely three feet high, he was big in voice and high in spirit. "We have a very special guest for you tonight, a beautiful star of stage and screen, the star of Ally McBeal, Mrs. Calista Flockhart!"
The audience gasped and awed in surprise.
"And now," Kermit continued as his resident comedian, Fozzie Bear, slid out on stage behind him. "Without any further adieu, I know...uh... Fozzie, what are you doing out here? I'm about to introduce our guest."
"Don't mind me." Fozzie stood and watched.
"Is there a problem?"
"A little one."
"How little?"
"Well," Fozzie started as he hemmed and hawed a bit. "Well, you know how the Swedish Chef was chasing the vegetables..."
"Yes..." Kermit remembered then shuddered. "He didn't catch them, did he?"
"No..." Fozzie dissuaded his fears. "He chased them into the basement..."
"The basement?"
"And chopped through a pipe..."
"A pipe!"
"A water pipe."
"A water pipe!" Kermit stress level went up.
"And flooded the whole basement..."
"The whole basement!" Kermit shook out of stress. "What are the rats down there doing?"
"Learning how to swim."
"Learning how to swim?" Kermit made a disgusted face. "What are we going to do about this?"
"I've got it covered." Fozzie acted as if things were under control. "I'm judging their surfing contests later." Kermit made a weird face of disbelief and turned to the audience.
"Ladies and gentlemen," He went through with the opening act. "The beautiful and talented, Mrs. Calista Flockhart." He turned and walked off stage. Fozzie mimicked Kermit's traditional hands waving and excited yell as the curtains parted to a cheering and clapping audience. Calista beamed on the darkened stage where she was in her blue dress as she got a chance to do something she never got to do on "Ally."
"I've been down this road walkin' the line," She sang the song slowly and romantically as the audience cheered as they recognized her theme song.
"That's painted by pride
"And I have made mistakes in my life
"That I just can't hide
"Oh I believe I am ready for what love has to bring
"Got myself together, now I'm ready to sing..."
The pace slowly picked up as she looked to the music pit. Sitting at the piano with the Dr. Teeth Electric Band was a little Muppet version of Vonda Shepard!
"I've been searchin' my soul tonight," She pretended nothing was wrong as she continued singing.
"I know there's so much more to life
"Now I know I can shine a light
"To find my way back home...
"One by one, the chains around me unwind…" She glimpsed movement as the stage lights lit up the stage. Tiny Muppet versions of John Cage, Richard Fish, Billy and Georgia Thomas came out humming the harmony.
"Every day now I feel that I can leave those years behind
"Oh I've been thinking of you for a long time
"There's a side of my life where I've been blind and so..." She looked behind her and saw Muppets of Ling and Nell sitting on a short wall. They were swaying to the music as Calista turned and saw Muppets of Renee and Elaine doing her back up. The Muppet Renee had two huge breasts as the Elaine Muppet had a big grin and hips shaking at top speed. She just pretended
nothing was wrong as she kept singing.
"I've been searchin' my soul tonight
"I know there's so much more to life
"Now I know I can shine a light
"Everything gonna be alright..." She looked up as a Muppet of Dr. Tracy hung from the stage lights over her head. Beyond John and Richard, Muppets of Larry Paul and William Collins were fighting it out like those old rock and sock them robots.
"I've been searchin' my soul tonight
"Don't wanna be alone in my life
"Now I know I can shine a light
"To find my way back home..." She watched the Victor Muppet rush out to stop William and Larry from fighting, but they both knocked him out. Elaine was dancing around Calista and shaking her hips to the speed of light as her long hair went wild.
"Baby, I been holding back now my whole life." Calista continued singing unabated by the distractions as the Billy Muppet looked up at her and grinned.
"I've decided to move on now
"Gonna leave all my worries behind
"Oh I believe I am ready for what love has to give
"Got myself together now I'm ready to live
"I've been searchin' my soul tonight..." All the Muppets of her cast members joined in with her.
"I know there's so much more to life
"Now I know I can shine a light
"Everything gonna be alright
"I've been searchin' my soul tonight
"Don't wanna be alone in my life
"Now I know I can shine a light
"To find my way back home..."
They all cheered as she grinned unfazed by the madness. The Dr. Tracy Muppet hanging over head crashed to the floor as a Dancing Baby Muppet skidded to a stop on to stage before everyone else.
"Oogah-chaka, oogah-chaka..." He tried to start a new song in his gravely man's voice. "I can't fight this feeling... deep inside of me..."
"Nice girl..." Statler turned to Waldorf in the balcony.
"Yup."
"Beautiful, talented, wonderful..." The crotchety old Muppet added.
"Just like my granddaughter."
"Yup."
"She doesn't stand a chance on this show." Statler answered.
CHAPTER THREE
Kermit was sitting on his stool just backstage a perusing the schedule as he looked out as the last act left the stage. He reached up and hit the speaker as his voice covered the back stage.
"Professor Honeydew, you're up next." He announced. Behind him, the vegetables scampered under Calista's feet as they continued running from the Swedish Chef. Fearful their lives, they hopped up the stairs as Calista watched the chef chasing after them.
"Kermit," She turned and beamed to the short green TV star. "I just want to thank you for letting me do this show. I've loved the Muppets for years."
"Oh yeah..." Kermit turned and looked up at her. "Well, I've been a big fan of your show for years. In fact, there's a question I've always wanted to ask."
"What's that?"
"How can I do your show?" Kermit continued. "I mean, if you can allow that Dame Edna Everage, anyone should be able to get a role on it!"
"I'll ask David E. Kelley..." Calista thought a moment.
"Hello," Honeydew was on stage. "I'm Professor Bunsen Honeydew here for Muppet Labs where the future is being made today. And this, this is my loyal assistant Beaker." Orange mop-topped Beaker beeped out hello to the audience.
"And Beaker is just tickled pink to be demonstrating the new molecular transporter I just invented..." Honeydew talked as Beaker shook his head resistant to the idea.
"Where his molecules will be taken apart, turned into energy and transported into that other transporter to be put together again in the right order." Bunsen continued as Beaker stepped back shaking his head.
"Into the transporter, Beaker." Honeydew insisted as Beaker continued shaking his head.
"America is waiting Beaker." Honeydew watched as his assistant gradually slid off stage.
"Why Beaker is so excited..." Honeydew turned to the audience. "I may have to help him inside and throw the switch myself."
Beaker started beeping in a panic as Bunsen pushed him to the transporter. As he pushed, the Muppet vegetables ran from backstage under his feet and into the transporter looking for a place to hide. Beaker started screaming as the Swedish Chef started running after them and hopped into the machine to catch the errant vegetables behind Bunsen's back.
"Hans do von deir sans funf das Flockhart's salad waiting." The Chef was swinging his knife as Beaker began screaming and honking faster while Dr. Bunsen Honeydew slammed the door and turned to his controls.
"Now watch as Beaker is transported Star Trek style just a few feet to that other transporter over there." He mentioned over his assistant's frantic screams covered by yells in Swedish. He pulled a lever at the same time as a flash of light in one chamber and then a second one in the other chamber. "And now Beaker will emerge completely unscathed."
The door opened as several hairy vegetables scurried out. The Swedish Chef was still running after them nut his hair and mustache were now replaced by lettuce and Beaker was now one huge carrot still screaming his head off.
"Oh dear," Honeydew lifted and dropped his glasses in disbelief. "I can't understand how this happened." He watched as the Vegetable Chef ran in circles trying to catch the hairy vegetables. "Well, I'll just send them through again and they'll be back to normal... What the!" The frantic Beaker accidentally pulled Bunsen in as the Swedish Chef hit the controls just before running back into the transporter. The other transporter flashed as the hairy vegetables emerged with the Swedish Chef behind them. His head was now one big onion with lettuce for hair. Beaker still resembled a carrot but now Bunsen had a tomato head.
"Oh dear..." Bunsen was now running ahead of the Chef himself as he dismissed himself. "Be with us here next time as I show you how to build an atomic powered can opener..."
"Is it always this crazy?" Calista watched the mess from backstage.
"No," Kermit watched in disbelief. "Usually we accidentally blow something up."
There was a small explosion as Kermit and Calista watched.
"You see…" Kermit looked up to her. "There it is now…"
CHAPTER FOUR
Calista Flockhart paced back and forth in her dressing room as she memorized the lyrics to her song in the final act. Occasionally, she stopped and took a piece of cheese from the plate Scooter had ordered from the deli next door to the theatre to keep her from getting hungry. With it, she sipped her grape juice as she paced a bit more. She heard someone at her door as she stopped and turned around.
"Calista?" A sweet sugary voice called forward. "Calista, sweetheart..."
"Miss Piggy..." The Ally actress grinned warmly with a twinkle in her eye. "How are you doing?"
"Calista, honey..." The little TV star entered the room wearing her Pigs in Space costume. "I hope you don't mind if I keep more of my things in here with moi."
"No, I..." Calista turned around as two Muppets carried in a huge trunk with boxes on it and set it against the wall. "Don't mind... at all." The Ally star rolled her eyes at the other boxes.
"Thank you, mon chere." Piggy turned her back to the human actress. "Zip me up, would you?"
"Why sure..." Calista braced her leg against the shorter actress and started tugging at the zipper.
"Tighter..." Piggy gasped as Calista kept pulling.
"Tighter..." Piggy gasped again as Calista continuing pulling.
"This is like stuffing a big ham." Calista answered.
"What was that!" Piggy turned her head.
"Nothing! Nothing!" Calista looked at her innocently as she realized what she'd said.
"There..." She held the nib broken off the zipper. "All done,"
"Thank you." Piggy was all sweet once more. "Of course, we fuller figured TV actresses couldn't wear just anything like you do." She looked at the Ally star in her jeans and wrinkled pink t-shirt.
"No, I guess not." Ally looked away with her tongue in her cheek.
"Well," Piggy opened the door. "I'm off to do Pigs In Space." She stepped through and headed down the hall. Calista looked up to an imaginary audience.
"Pigs in Space?" She mumbled. "I had to tell my agent I'd do this show when pigs learned to fly."
"And now!" The announcer rang out from stage as the curtains parted on a spaceship. "Pigs in Space!" The set was a huge multi-colored silver starship with Link Hogthrob as the Captain, Dr. Strangepork in his glasses by his side and Miss Piggy hastily taking her place at the helm.
"As we left our intrepid heroes last week." The announcer continued. "They had just been in contact with a strange spaceship!"
"I've just been in contact with a strange spaceship!" Strangepork repeated. "And we're going to be invaded!"
"Save me! Save me!" Hogthrob hid under Piggy's skirts. "I'm too young and handsome to die!"
"But who's going to save me!" Piggy screamed as strange knocking and thumping sounds came from all over their ship. Another sound of a huge door crashing open emerged from off the ship.
"They're right outside that door!" Strangepork screamed hysterically as he waited the evitable. The door opened as the Muppet of John Cage stood alone and looked up with his big brown eyes.
"Five trillion miles and no unisex on board?" He bemoaned. "You really are pigs." He gestured to the rest of his Muppet counterparts.
"Now see here..." Hogthrob stood up straight. "You can't take over my ship."
"Yes, we can." The Richard Fish Muppet pushed his way through.
"No, you can't!" Piggy stood face to face with the Ling Muppet with her Oriental eyes and long black hair.
"Yes, we can!" The Ling Muppet insisted as they stood face to face.
"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, ya!" They both took karate stances and knocked each other out on to the floor.
"Get them, guys!" Billy screamed as the Ally Muppets pinned the Pig Muppets to the floor. Seconds later, the Ally Muppets popped up with Richard at the controls.
"All right!" Richard reached to controls. "We have ourselves a spaceship. I wonder what this does?" He pulled a switch as they started spinning. The ship felt like a huge dryer as they tumbled about.
"John!" Georgia screamed. "Get him away from those controls before he kills all of us."
"No matter," John took the controls. "I'm in charge here. With this spaceship, we'll dominate all the net works! ABC, CBS, NBC... We'll get revenge on FOX for canceling us!"
"Lifetime!" Nell screamed out. "The channel for women!"
"Animal Planet!" The Elaine Muppet called forth. "I want a date with Steve Irwin!"
"The Sci-Fi Channel!" The William Collins Muppet screamed out.
"Discovery!" Victor called out. "I want Bob Vila's show!"
"Could I get the Late Show!" The Larry Paul Muppet looked at John in the Captain's chair. "I really hate Jay Leno!"
"Yes," John took control. "All of them, then Ally McBeal will rule the world!"
"John," The Corretta Muppet came forward. "I'm picking up another ship on the sensors!"
"Open the hex field!" John called as the hex field opened and showed their opponents. They screamed at the sight of the familiar human figure and his three Bots. They shuddered at the sight of their enemies.
"Mike..." Gypsy slid into view. "I've got all lasers on target, the missiles set and one photon torpedo set to fire."
"Yeah," Crow T. Robot roared. "No one threatens the Sci-Fi Channel while we're around!"
"To the death!" Mike Nelson, the star of Mystery Science Theater 3000, called as he stared back to the Muppets determined to fight. "Prepare the Satellite of Love for battle!"
"To the death!" John Cage screamed as he channeled all the forces of the Swine Trek.
In the balcony, Statler and Waldorf watched the carnage on stage. Statler turned to his heckling partner as they watched the violence. Explosions and fireworks went off as if it was the Fourth of July.
"Crossovers..." Waldorf complained. "A sure sign the writers have run out of material."
"I agree." Statler sided by him.
"Hey!" Oscar the Grouch appeared behind them. "Some of us are trying to watch the show." He stuck his feet out from under his can, lifted his can over his body and headed back to his seat. Waldorf looked back to Statler.
"Who was that?"
"Just someone from the bargain seats downstairs..."
CHAPTER FIVE
Kermit was standing on stage with his back to the audience and his head behind the curtain. He was talking to the stage crew as they repaired the damage from the last sketch as they built the next set.
"Did you guys get the flash burns cleaned up?"
"Yup." An anonymous voice came from nowhere.
"The holes fixed?"
"Yup."
"The fires all out?"
"Uh Huh."
"All right?"
"Saw' Right!"
Kermit turned around and composed himself. He was still looking a little panicked.
"Ladies and gentlemen," He started. "The beautiful Miss Calista Flockhart..." The curtains parted on what looked like a beautiful shaded glen. Trees rose up over green pastures and a yellow brick road as Calista sat on what looked like a small hill. She was dressed immaculately in an expensive white blouse and long black skirt as her eyes sparkled and she nodded to her cheers and applause. The music started softly as she gasped lightly and started singing again.
"Toto, I Get The Feeling We're Not In Kansas Anymore..." Her voice was soft and romantic as she carried herself beautifully.
"Through The Wind And Storm
"We Find Ourselves Alone
"Toto, I Get The Feeling We're Not In Kansas Anymore
"We're On A Golden Road
"In A Moving Picture Show
"Oh, Don't It Feel Like Paradise..." A Muppet version of a Yorkie Terrier appeared by her and stared longingly up at her.
"Oh, How Can Something Feel So Nice
"Well, At Least I Got Company
"It's Toto, You And Me
"Here We Go..." The music swelled as the Ally Muppets appeared in the background like Munchkins. Fozzie was the Tin Man, Gonzo was the Scarecrow and Rowlf was the Lion as Piggy peeked from behind the set as the witch.
"Toto, I Get The Feeling We're Not In Kansas Anymore
"But All I Want To Know
"Is How Do We Get Home?
"Toto, I Found My Way Inside A Book Of Dreams
"Our Time Is Almost Gone
"Yet It Seems It's Just Begun..." Even more Muppets appeared and joined in the chorus.
"Oh, Don't it Feel Like Paradise
"Oh, How Can Something Be So Nice...
"Well, At Least I Got Company
"It's Toto, You And Me
"Here We Go..."
"But I Want To Go Home...
"I Want to Go Home...
"I Want To Go Home...
"I Want To Go Home..." Calista finally hit the high note as she never did before.
"Oh, Don't It Feel Like Paradise..." The music started to fade as the audience cheered and applauded. The Ally star beamed radiantly as she stared to her adoring fans and the cheering Muppets now crowding against her as the curtain slowly dropped around her.
"Hi ho and that's been another episode of the Muppet Show." Kermit emerged as the music slowly continued in the background. "But first, let's have another round of applause for Mrs. Calista Flockhart… Yayyy!"
The Ally star sheepishly came from backstage surrounded by the Muppet versions of her co-stars. She continued to beam radiantly as she looked at the thousands of Muppets in the audience cheering her on.
"Thank you, Kermit." She started as the William Collins Muppet took one of her hands and the Larry Paul Muppet took the other. "This has been a wonderful... Weird experience for me and I've worked with Lucy Liu!"
"Oh, well," Kermit started. "Well, it's not always this crazy." There was screaming from off the stage as the Muppet vegetables returned to normal came running out from the shadows. The Swedish Chef returned to normal came running out as he stepped on a weak spot from the star fight and crashed into the flooded basement. The vegetables cheered.
"Almost not this crazy…" Kermit admitted as he turned to the audience. "Be with us here next time when our guest will be Lara Parker from Dark Shadows. Good night everybody!" The music soared as Calista began talking under the rolling credits. She and the Muppets continued in friendly discussion as Animal pounded the closing theme harder. Janice swayed to the theme as the Vonda Muppet grinned and swayed with her as the tune wrapped to an end. There was a drum roll...
"What did you do with that gum you was chewing?" Statler asked Waldorf.
"I stuck it under our chairs." They started to rise, but found themselves trapped in their seats by the gum. They looked at each other then to the stage. "Oh No!"
Gonzo hit the sax hard!
THE END