A/N: The song 'I've got a little list' from the Mikado is about all the people the Lord High Executioner would happily execute. The song gets re-adapted for every performance. So here is the Ashes to Ashes version- Jim Keats' list of those he would be happy to take in his lift. Apologies for contorted rhymes and bad scanning.
Disclaimer: Ashes to Ashes and characters thereof are the property of Ashley Pharaoh and Matthew Graham, and the Mikado lyrics/concept are Gilbert and Sullivan's. No copyright infringement intended. With fondest apologies to all the original creators.
I've Got a Little Lift
To be sung by DCI Jim Keats (Discipline and Complaints), and a chorus of lesser D&C officers.
KEATS
And as some day it may happen that a victim must be found
(I've got a little lift- I'll put them in my lift)
From these lost and wandering coppers who should be well underground
(And who never would be missed, they never would be missed.)
All these jumped up little bobbies who have stumbled here by fate
And aren't yet allowed to move along, and so stay here and wait
They clutter up the offices and always leave a mess
By beating suspects violently to get them to confess
And try hard to convince themselves they continue to exist
They'd none of them be missed, no they'd none of them be missed!
CHORUS
He's got a little lift, he'll put them in his lift
And they'll none of them be missed, they'll none of them be missed!
KEATS
There's a know-it-all detective who keeps making smart remarks
It might take a bit of grift, but I'll get her in my lift
She wanders all around the place and claims she's seeing stars
She never would be missed, no she never would be missed.
And she claims to know the human mind but doesn't know her own
For she can't decide to stay here or else return back home
And she ignores the clues I leave her, though I carve them on her desk
(And carving numbers neatly, let me tell you, is a pest)
She's that singular anomaly, a police psychologist
I don't think she'd be missed- I'm sure she'd not be missed!
CHORUS
He'll put her in his lift, he'll put her in his lift
And I don't think she'll be missed, I'm sure she'll not be missed!
KEATS
That surly boring Northern bloke with perm and unshaven face
I think you catch my drift- I'll put him in the lift
Each time he's in my office, knocks my pencils out of place
I don't think he'd be missed, I don't think he'd be missed.
And his nervous little cohort, who always gets it wrong
And never can decide if he and Shaz are off or on
And Shaz herself- she's guilty, of ruining my tea
For she puts in extra sugar when I've told her I take three!
I just hope there's room for all of them to get inside my lift
For they'd none of them be missed, they'd none of them be missed!
CHORUS
He'll put them in his lift, somehow he'll fit them in his lift
For they'll none of them be missed, they'll none of them be missed!
KEATS
And then there's the best prize of all, the DCI himself
Before I end my shift- let's get him in the lift,
A man who thinks that shooting first can classify as stealth
I don't think he'd be missed, I don't think he'd be missed.
He drives his bloody Quattro like he thinks he's Graham Hill
And tells me I'm a big girls' blouse when I say it makes me ill
His attitude to paperwork is one that I deplore
He may have a filing cabinet but prefers to use the floor.
But I think that's quite enough for now, I'm sure you get the gist
And I know that you'll agree- they'd none of them be missed!
KEATS and CHORUS
So we'll put them in the lift, yes we'll put them in the lift
For they'll none of them be missed
They'll none –of – them –be –missed!
Keats and the other D&C officers exit stage left. Lights down.
Fin.
A/N: I recommend looking up the D'oyly Cart versions of the song (particularly 1990-2), to see how the professionals do it!