Chapter One
My mind's racing. It's been like this since I got into my car this morning. Matter of fact, I've been having spells like this for weeks. My heart begins to race, the hair on my skin stand straight up, and I begin to wonder why my body is scared. I end up scaring myself more each time with every bad scenario running through my mind. Charlotte getting kidnapped, Jasper getting in harms way, my parents being used against me, someone finding out my identity, I could go on for hours.
I look up, recalling where I am now. I'm in the beginning hallway of the school at my locker.
Some kids entering the school stare at me, a few giggle, and others talking to their friends. I hate having this dumb locker. Holy shit, I don't need this too. Quickly I spin around to my locker, and close my eyes. My fingers spread out on the locker and begin to tap rhythmically. Soon my breathing slows but everyone in the hall is too loud.
"Josh told me he liked me last night!" A girl I know of as Katie Longbottom says to her friend as they walk by.
"I cannot fail another chemistry test." It was a hushed quick whisper.
The tapping gets faster as I squeeze my eyes shut. Why couldn't everyone be quiet?! This is a hallway, my god. My forehead falls against the cold metal. I thought if my breathing was normal my head and heart would stop racing. I feel as if I'm preparing for a slap on the back. Two half breaths escape me, all the muscles in my back curl around like knots. I feel like I'm dying.
A soft hand lands on my shoulder, "Hen, what's going on?"
Charlotte. I pry my eyes open to look at her. Focus on her, she makes me feel good and safe. All of her shines up at me and I cannot concentrate on a thing. Another breath heaves out.
Charlotte takes my shoulders and pulls me close to her. Her sweet perfume fills my senses, I see flowers and waterfalls. "Henry, keep your eyes on me. What am I wearing? Say five things out loud for me."
"Ear rings," I whisper. How dumb do I have to get that I can't speak? I shut my eyes.
"No, open," Charlotte whispers, and so I do. "What am I wearing?"
"Ear rings,"
She nods, wanting more. Her wide brown eyes search over my face, and I feel self conscious.
"Jean jacket, red boots,"
Charlotte smiles and squeezes my arms. My shoulder relax first, and a shake runs through my body. "Bracelet, and lipstick,"
A moment passes and I feel my back straighten, I breathe out softly all while keeping eye contact with her. Is it true if you stare long enough at someone you fall in love? Her purple lips grin up at me.
Her hand pats my chest, "Are you okay?"
I nod. "Just scared myself there. Thank you, Charlotte."
"No need to, Henry. We can swing by the nurse before class if you want."
Looking around, we're the only ones in the hallway. "How long was I standing here?" I ask.
"I don't know. But I've been with you for seven minutes."
My body feels so drained and heavy. It takes all my will and strength to open the locker and gather my book and binder. Charlotte patiently waits for me. I can feel her eyes on my back, probably wondering why this is the third time she's seen me like this. I give her a little smile, and we head to the nurse's office before Intro to Business.
I'm ashamed of breaking here. I'm ashamed every time, but when its out in the open like this I can't help but feel hopeless. Ever since the first attack, I've been terrified of someone asking me about it, because I wouldn't where to start, and I feel bad for the feelings I have.
Jasper, Charlotte, and I sat at our usual spot in the right corner of the cafeteria. It's four hours later and I'm just starting to feel better. My brain feels full, and wishy-washy. I still need a nap though. My eyes were closed most of my last period. This was a mistake coming to school. I should've stayed home.
"You gotta tell Ray I won't be at Junk'n'Stuf until six." Jasper says stirring around his lunch served soup.
"And why can't you?" Charlotte hadn't been in the same room as Jasper for more than ten minutes and she already sounds angry.
"I get the feeling Ray doesn't like me that much."
"Ha," Charlotte covers her mouth and shakes with laughter.
I laugh a bit, shaking my head. "Ray doesn't like most people. Don't take it harshly."
Jasper shifts in his seat. "Whatever. I don't care about that. Will you tell him, man?"
"Sure, man." I nod; it's not too much to do. Maybe I should wait a bit before going in and re-cooperate before patrol tonight. I yawn.
"You feeling tired, man." Charlotte says. Her hand reaches across the table and pokes mine. I want to grab her hand to try and ground myself right now.
I glance at her, not willing to make eye contact. "I'm good."
I feel like shit. I want to explain why I've been walking like a zombie most days. But I can't let it out; it hurts too much. I can't lay it all out; I'll feel naked. My best friends shouldn't be burdened by my darkest thoughts and emotions.
Entering my house, I drop my keys, jacket, and books on the land before the the stairs. After washing my face and neck and changing back into pajamas, I make a huddle in the corner of the couch. The house is cold and quiet today. Piper has cheer-leading practice now, so she's gone until six. Our parents have after work classes they take together which has left me alone most days lately. I like it because I can leave all the lights off.
I close my eyes letting the hum of the house and air conditioning take over my ears. Warmth envelopes my body; slowly I work in sections, releasing tension in my calves, back, neck, and jaw. The couch molds around me as I sink lower into the fabric and cushions. The quiet lulls me to sleep.
Charlotte and I are standing in the carpeted room of a party. The walls are covered in carved wood framed photographs of animals in Victorian clothing. Red and brown furniture were positioned everywhere as well. I don't know whose house this is; must be somebody from school, someone Charlotte knows. A few faces in the crowd seem recognizable but everything far away is blurry. When did that happen?
"Char, where are we?" I ask reaching for her arm.
She giggles at me like we're playing a joke. "What do you mean?"
"Whose house-Never-mind," I run my hands through my hair, feeling my heart start to speed up. I look down at Charlotte, and take a deep breath. "So how are you doing?"
"I'm good." Charlotte's brown eyes shine up at me as she smiles. She takes my hand and runs her thumb across the back of it. "You look handsome tonight."
"Wh-what?" Her shoulder presses against my chest, and I feel flushed. I swear she'll kill me.
Metal hits wood and I swing Charlotte behind me as I look for the source of the noise. At the top of the wall above a bookshelf, a big circle latch opened. Water starts pouring out of it.
"Henry, what are you doing? What's wrong?" She holds my arm looking at me strange.
"Do you not see that water?!" I point to what is practically a waterfall.
From the size of the room, it's not going to be long before the water drowns us. Panic kicks up in my body.
"Charlotte, we gotta get out of here."
"Okay, if you wanna leave that's okay," She smiles and grabs my hand.
But my feet won't move! I look down and see cinder blocks in the place of my feet. "What?"
By this time the water has gotten to our waists, I look back and see that water is projecting out farther and faster.
"Charlotte, please, the water! Don't you see it!"
"It's okay." She squeezes the sides of my arms three times. "There's no water."
"Char-" The water covers my mouth, forcing it down my throat and nose. My arms flail around trying to move towards the door. Looking around I see no one is freaking out about the water in the room. Everyone is looking at us, at me like I'm crazy.
"Henry, breathe! You're fine." Charlotte looks terrified.
I want to cough and scream but nothing is happening. My body convulses and Charlotte grabs hold of me. Her body shakes against mine. She looks at me and I think she's crying. Her fingers poking me in the arm.
I feel someone poking me, and I notice light in the room. "Henry, don't you have work today? Are you going?" Piper asks above me.
What did I just dream? I cough a few times making sure no water came out. Peering up at her
I yawn and nod. Then it hits me. "Piper, what is it?"
"6:42, I just got home." She says from the kitchen counter.
I snatch my phone from the coffee table. Damn it, Charlotte called three times, Jasper texted four, and Ray called five times. Shit, shit. Quickly I grab my keys off the floor and bolt outside. I could still feel the sleep in my eyes and head as I mentally yelled at myself for this. Pulling out of my driveway, I realize I hadn't even told Ray about Jasper being late. Why can't I do anything right?
"Henry, you're so stupid." I whisper gripping the steering wheel to control my anger.
Jasper was covering the main floor when I walk in. "Man, I'm so sorry for not telling Ray. I fell-"
"Charlotte covered it." He says with a smile.
I sigh, letting my shoulders relax. There's Charlotte again, saving my ass. "Alright, then I guess I'm not too late for patrol."
I look down at my watch and wince. It's 7:15 now. Ray might yell when I get to the Man Cave. I know he doesn't really mean anything by it, but sometimes the yelling and arguing gets to me. My palms start to sweat.
"When do you think I'll be able to go on patrol?" Jasper was looking down at a laptop, probably trying to work on our English paper. He said he always made better grades when he did his homework at work.
"I don't think that's in your job description, bro."
"What do you mean?"
I shake my head, already a headache was edging on. My hands cover my eyes. "I'm not arguing over this today."
Even if every inch of my body knows it's rude, I walk out of the room and to the elevator. Already exhausted, I stand in the elevator and let the doors shut. I close my eyes and lean on the wall. Maybe I could shut it off and stand in here forever. Live in here until I die so I don't have to do anything ever again. In about ten minutes, Ray is going to want to leave for patrol. We're going to be driving and walking around the known edgier part of town where a couple muggings have been happening recently. Sometimes I wonder how bad it'd be if I froze. Since first having these panic attacks, we haven't had to deal with any horrible particular idiot so I honestly wouldn't know how I'd act. Slowly I pull my arms around myself and take deep breath trying to pull myself together. I could be fine; I could die. I take another deep breath and press the elevator button.
Charlotte turns around when the door opens. She gives me a pretty smile. "Hey Hen,"
"Hey," It's breathless but I'm used to that around her. A small smile forms on my face, and I move closer to her. I lean against the desk she's sitting at. "Sorry, for unexpectedly bailing on the first little bit of work. I took an unexpected nap."
"No problem, I'm glad you got to rest a bit. You're uh...thing seemed to drain you this morning." She avoids eye contact.
"I...yeah," Maybe I should explain myself to her.
Charlotte looks at me opening her mouth to speak when Schwoz walks in. He doesn't say anything, to occupied with her new invention. But I stare back at Charlotte trying to plead with her wordlessly not to speak about this in front of him. She held an intense gaze, searching for something in me.
"Are you okay?" Her words were a soft whisper meant for us two. She moves to face me fully and leans in to my bubble.
I whisper back. "I'm fine."
A speck of anger flashes across her eyes then she says lowly. "Please, Henry, you can tell me anything."
My throat closes and I feel evil for making her worry. I turn from her concerned piercing eyes and push myself off the desk to get away from them. My chest tightens and my face gets hot indicating that I want to cry.
"Hey, kid, you ready to head out?" Ray walks in from the left room.
Already walking to the tubes, "Yeah, let's get out of here." I pop the gum into my mouth.
After transforming, Ray snaps at me for being late. It wasn't as vicious as I imagined but I still felt shame of letting him down.
"Leave him alone, Ray!" Charlotte's voice was quick and stern. She stood by the couch with her arms crossed; her little hands were squeezing her arms in frustration.
"Char," I say in a warning tone.
Missing the tone of the room, Ray points his finger at Charlotte. "Do you want to get in a fight, little woman?"
"No, she doesn't. Let's go." With a shaking voice and hands, I push Ray underneath his tube.
As we go up I see Charlotte begin to pace.