Good news is attached to this story! It's (somewhat) interactive if you wish! Occasionally, I'll throw in a song title so that you can play it while you're reading a certain part to enhance your reading experience (but only if you want to of course)! Anyways, this is my first attempt at a full-out humor story, so let's get to it! I DO NOT OWN HETALIA!
Chapter 1
PLAY: "Call to the Cows" by Rossini
On a bright, sunny morning; a day when birds chirped, butterflies kissed the air, and love was abound in all manners, America found himself…
Wait, wait, this sounds way too cliché too far. Scratch that last sentence! Okay, here we go…
America walked EPICLY down an old street in Hollywood where aspiring jittery directors, introverted screenplay writers, and overtly-peppy aspiring actors and actresses often walked before they found their dreams made real or demolished by the words, "You're hired!" or worse (but sometimes better, in some cases), "You're fired!"
As he walked down the street he looked around him, with "Call to the Cows" playing for some reason in the back of his head, at those lovely chirping birds, to that random tree nearby that was in the shape of Terrence Malick, to the plastic faces of the plastic surgeons who carried plastic bags that held plastic bottles, to the book flying out of a nearby window aiming for his head, to the lovely statues-
Wait, book? Whompf!
The book plowed into his head, but it didn't hurt. Nations can't be hurt by books, after all - by bad cooking, maybe, but never books.
Well, books don't fly out of the sky very often, he thought. He looked up, and sure enough, he heard two voices out of the window…two very serious voices.
PLAY: THE GODFATHER MAIN TITLE THEME!
The first voice seemed like it came from a young person. "Why did you do that?" it asked.
"Because," the second, more gruff voice started,"we would never have pitched the rights of that up to W*rner Bros or D*sney for film consideration. Didn't you read the book? It's one of the most dulll things I've ever read!"
"But the guy who brought the book in seemed so happy about his work and so passionate! His eyes lit up so much when you told him you would consider his story for an autobiographical film…
"You sound like such a wuss..."
"...You even said you would consider it…"
"Consider, shmider! His book is far too boring for a film! His life is far too boring! All he's ever done was play games, join a broadcasting club, sleep, pet his cats, and draw pictures!"
"He did say his drawings were well-known in Japan…"
"Well, I've never heard of him in comic book stores! Did he invent S*perman? - no! How about Sp*derman? - no way! What about P**nuts? - I bet he just wishes he had the notoriety that the artist of that comic had! He's just a dumb dreamer, nothing more. Tough love is tough love. You can't pitch them all."
"I guess you're right...But did you have to throw the book off the window?"
"It was taking up too much space."
"But…did you have to throw it…?"
"YES I DID! This is Hollywood! You're supposed to throw out the original source material!"
Meanwhile, down below, America picked up the book and stared at the dull, blue cover. It was then that something clicked in his brain, and an idea hatched. He had been bored recently…
PLAY: Around the World in 80 Days (OST) 1st Class Waltz
A few days later, at a world meeting…
"And so with that, Spain, I don't agree with your bailout plan."
"But, Germany! That's just not fair! Why don't you be lenient on the rest of us EU members?"
"Ve~"
"All these stupid, European arguments are taking up most of our meeting time, aru!"
"If you want, I can make all your extra time more worthwhile, non…?"
"Get away from me, s-stop touching me France!"
"I am, like, totally bored."
"Kolkolkol~"
"Ugh…"
"Maybe we can all…zzzz…"
"Bloody hell, where is that American?"
"That is actually a very good question…"
"I think we should all settle down," a quiet voice rang out– or chirped, really – from a standing spot next to the door of the meeting room. "Now let's all try to cool our heads, go outside, and get some fresh- OOF!"
The door slammed open and squashed the poor Canadian behind it as America walked out to the middle of the front of the room. "Guys, I have an idea!" he exclaimed with unabashed joy.
A stiff Germany, though, did not feel the joy. "America, will you please sit down. We are in the middle of a very important meeting regarding the current economic state, so if you would please give your input…"
"WHO CARES ABOUT THE ECONOMY? I've got something better for us to do!" He then took out a book and a script and lifted them both high up into the air for all to see.
Germany looked befuddled. "You…actually want to read a book..." Germany asked, and then added under his breath, "…for once?"
Ignoring his comment, America continued. "I say we all join forces and make a movie based on this book! I've already written a screenplay for it!"
There was a short pause before England finally spoke up. "Now wait a minute, America, why in Earth's name would you suddenly want to make a movie based on a book…and what do you mean by 'we'?"
"Well, no movie studio wanted to make this book-to-movie pitch a reality, so I said to myself, 'Why don't I make this into a cinematic masterpiece and surprise the guy this movie's based on?' That way, he can get some real recognition! Besides, I've only read about ten pages of this thing," he then shook the book, "but I realized that once you disregard all the boring life stuff, and with a little CGI, pop music, and story changes, this could be a real Oscar winner!"
He moved to stand on the podium and pushed away the dry erase board filled with the percentages and gross domestic products discussed just a few minutes earlier (much to Germany's dismay) and turned to face the nations. "I won't take any 'noes' or 'buts'. You'll all help me to make this movie. I'll be the director and producer! Um, let's see…" he looked around the room before pointing at Japan. "Japan my man, you'll be my assistant director!"
Japan looked befuddled. Germany, whose face now flushed with anger well-kept (a talent he had taken years to achieve, especially around the likes of the spontaneous Italy) opened his mouth to give his say on the matter, but heard Japan's voice come out before his.
"America, I would be happy to assist in your endeavor."
"Japan would never agree to- WHAT?!" Germany stared in astonishment at Japan, who looked thoughtful and somewhat excited. "Why, Japan?"
"I think making a movie together would be a good idea for us, and it would certainly promote bonding between bickering nations. It seems like it could be fun…" Some of the nearby nations seemed to smile at the prospect of bonding.
"But…ergh." Germany face palmed.
"YEAH, JAPAN! That's the spirit! And..let's see…China, you can do catering!"
"Catering, aru…" China thought for a moment. "I do think your idea's pretty stupid, but…I'll do it...as long the job pays well."
"Gotcha, China! Also, Russia, you're pretty good with explosives and such. Handle all that pyrotechnic stuff," (to which England asked, "Wait, are there explosions in that book...and why are you all agreeing to his idea? It just came out of the blue!"). "France, I'll leave you the hair and makeup department! ("Ah, well, what have I got to lose? I shall do my best, Amérique.") Austria, you'll score the film ("Hm…"); Prussia, you'll be stunt coordinator ("Yeaahhh!"); Poland, you're the costume designer ("That's totally fine by me.")…"
America continued to point at each nation, assigning roles to many bored nations, all of whom consented to their doom- er, fate, whether out of sheer boredom, a desire to do something new for a change besides discussing economics, a desire to see America fail at his goal (some of the Middle Eastern countries were especially prominent in this category, most of whom were assigned set designer roles), or out of sheer terror as to what would happen to them if they said no to America.
Despite it all, all the nations had at least somewhat accepted the whole idea, some more than others. The whole time, Germany fumed.
America turned to Italy lastly. "And, Italy, you'll be that guy who always holds the black and white sign and yells, 'Take two! Marker!'"
"Yay! Oh, Germany doesn't that sound like fun?" Silence followed. "Germany, what's wrong? Steam is coming out of your ears. You don't normally look that angry…EEK!"
Suddenly, Germany slammed his fists down on the table, breaking it in half. "THIS IS NONSENSE! ARE YOU ALL SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING MAKING A STUPID MOVIE WHEN WE SHOULD BE FIGURING OUT HOW TO AVOID A RECESSION?"
A chunk of table plunked off the American's head, but he seemed unfazed and kept a bright smile throughout Germany's entire outburst. "Well, if you're so intent on keeping with the economy, why don't you bee the finance manager of the whole thing? I'll leave it to you but balance the budget!"
PLAY: LOVE AND WAR (CHOIR)
"But I…" and then, Germany thought. First he looked around at all the nations in the hall, who now looked more energetic at the prospect of doing something completely new, and after staring at his outcry they continued to babble on about their jobs. He recollected, for a few moments, how life got to be the way things were at that very moment. Not long ago, he thought, there was a time when nations were serious about meetings, and the strength of your economy meant life or death. There once were times that people worked hard and didn't give in to stupid things. Now, the world's nations were giving up valuable meeting time and brain cells to make a more-than-likely brainless film that was sure to destroy more brain cells. What have we become? he thought. However, then he thought more. He was curious as to how a movie made by all nations would turn out, it was nice to see Italy happy, and maybe he could use a break…he was far too angry most of the time, anyways…
END MUSIC
"Germany, you're steaming again."
Slightly flustered, Germany woke up from his daze to see Italy staring at him with expectant eyes. For a while the German said nothing, until, "Fine. I'll be a part of this…film."
"Yay!" Germany was suddenly overwhelmed by a giant hug from Italy. Pushing him off gently, Germany suddenly realized something important. Curiosly, he asked, "America…what is this movie even about?"
The room abrubtly got quiet as the nations suddenly realized that they had consented to working on a set of a movie with an unknown plot. "Ah, yeah, the plot…and what's the title?" Cuba asked.
America paused, grinning. He looked into the faces of his new crew. "Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce to you that you are all now a part of the production and cast of the autobiographical story of a man; a man whose story is extremely unknown and boring but has great potential to be extremely action-packed, super-badass, and well-suited for 3D theaters; a man…who is some Japanese cartoonist somewhere. Tomorrow, we will begin work on, "The Life of Hiydezak Himaruyam"!
"You mean, Hidekaz Himaruya," Japan read, looking at the author of the autobiography.
"Yeah, that!"
Most of the nations who could read the atmosphere realized that it was going to be a very difficult movie production...
I hoped you liked the chapter! The next several chapters will regard the making of the movie. Tune in next time to see nations attempt (and often fail) to make a film. Please remember to review! Thank you for reading!