Cora had arrived at Downton with a greeting of cheers and a cascade of flowers from the local tenants and staff of the house. Exhilaration surged through her young body at the sight of it, and she had inadvertently smiled wildly, her clear blue eyes dancing with the mass of people outside of her new home.
My new home, she thought incredulously. This was to be her new life – one so very different from the one in America. And while anxious at the prospect, as she was this morning before the wedding, a tender joy had grown within in. He was hers. This house was her home. These people were happy to see her. These thoughts had thumped away in her mind as she threw all of her excitement onto him – her new husband - but then felt her heart drop at the sight of him. He had been sitting closer to the other carriage door than to her, placidly observing the spectacle that had thrilled her so. And although after feeling her gaze upon him he had turned and grinned, she knew it had been out of courtesy. Thus the elation she had felt was suddenly curdled again into the anxiety she had felt before.
She didn't know much of her new husband. She had come to learn over the course of their brief courtship that he was sincere and he was kind. He seemed the loyal sort, and he did seem to strive to make her comfortable. These things she knew, but she also knew something more. He did not love her. Her mother had constantly reminded her of this ever since he had proposed marriage. After all, there were other men with better titles after her – well, after her money – that wouldn't have insisted upon signing such a binding document tying her entire fortune into their estates. But she had insisted upon him. Truth be told, she had fallen for him. His boyish curls, the way his endlessly blue eyes grew warm when he smiled, and the joy he exuded when speaking of his home had completely captivated her heart.
In fact, even now, hours since their arrival from the church, she felt herself grow warm at the thought of him. Surely there was some apprehension, but she was sure that she was in love.
"Anything else, milady?" her maid asked, fluffing her long dark curls a final time. Cora looked at the maid through the mirror of her vanity and then back down at her own reflection.
"No, that'll be all," she breathed. She felt a small, reassuring squeeze on her shoulder. At the polite gesture, Cora's eyes flitted back up at the maid's reflection and caught the whisper of a grin playing at the corner of her mouth. Cora attempted to return the grin, but instead there escaped a bottled up, shaky breath. It was dense with anticipation made of two parts. One of which was fear of what it would be like to officially become his wife, and the other was the excitement she felt to be so utterly close to him.
Her maid, seeming to notice this, opened her mouth to speak, but a small knock at the door interrupted the tension instead. At it, Cora's breath caught in her chest and she felt her heart grow thicker and pound loudly against her ribs and in her ears.
Robert stepped in, dressed in his dressing gown and pajamas. His hair was less tidy than she had ever seen it and she noticed, shyly, a very tiny peek of skin where his neck met his chest.
The maid wordlessly and swiftly left the room, and as she did so, Cora stood to meet her husband.
A hot wave of embarrassment washed over her as she realized he could probably see straight through her white nightgown. However, to his credit and her relief, he didn't appear to be gaping at her, but instead looked a little like he felt exposed and embarrassed himself.
They stood there for a moment or two, a room apart. Then, as if gathering courage, Robert stepped closer to the bed and removed his dressing gown. With her heart now undoubtedly trying to escape her breast, she mirrored his actions and stepped noiselessly to the bed. She sat on the edge of it, taking off her house shoes. As she did so, she was conscious of the mattress moving beneath her, increasing her apprehension. She had never been in bed with a man, not even her father or brother, and the thought of it made her stomach fill with nervous butterflies.
After pulling a breath, she laid back, her dark curls spreading over the pillow, and looked up at him. She noted he was now undoubtedly gaping at her. She studied his face, feeling warm again as her eyes fell on his lashes, his shadowy stubble, and his slightly parted lips. He seemed to be deciding something privately for a moment, absent-mindedly staring at her body. Then, with sudden decisiveness, he dimmed the gas lamp on his side of the bed, leaving a dim glow from her side – enough light to just see one another, but nothing beyond.
He was sitting up beside her, then, looking down at her. He moved over just a tad and touched her arm.
Oh God. Cora felt goose bumps spread over her and her chest began to rise and fall tumultuously. Oh God, she prayed again, and this time closed her eyes for a moment to relax her breathing. He tugged the tiniest bit on her arm, beckoning her to inch closer to the center of the bed. She did so, and then waited for further directions.
At this, he moved in between her, guiding her legs apart with his hands, legs, and then hips. She drew up her knees and her dress fell to her gender. Again, she drew a deep slow breath, calming her fearfully eager heart. He glanced down at her exposed body, then quickly back up to her eyes. They locked eyes for a moment and it made her want to cry. She couldn't say why, she couldn't pinpoint the reason, and before she was able to, he looked away and then it was him who took the next shaky breath.
As he began fumbling with his bottoms, she looked past him into the dark toward the ceiling. She was curious, but a little too intimidated to look at him the way he had at her.
She felt him still his movements and she braced herself for it, closing her eyes and trying to relax her body. Instead, however, she felt his lips softly brush her cheek. Her lids flew open and caught his gaze. His expression was soft and she felt drawn to him. She brought a hand to his face and rested it there, trying to assure him and herself of – well, she wasn't sure. That it would be all right? That this union that was so evenly matched in convenience, yet so unevenly matched in sentiment would somehow work? She needed convincing of this as well as she steadied her trembling hand against his cheek.
He closed his eyes at her touch and exhaled. He stayed still for a moment longer as she moved her hand away, and then it happened. He moved inside her. It wasn't romantic nor tender as she had somehow imagined. Rather, it was hurried and lonely. He didn't look at her as he moved above, and within her, and it hurt.
As he began to move faster, a small whimper disobediently left her lips and he stopped suddenly, alarmed, and took in her face with wide eyes.
She knew it was pointless to say otherwise, and so embarrassed, trembling, and in pain, she smiled at her new husband, and fought tears. She felt him lean closer to her and for a moment her heart began to flutter as she suspected her may kiss her. She closed her eyes and waited for his lips on hers, but instead felt the sting of him move again and heard his breath in her ear. She bit her bottom lip hard, then, and squeezed her eyes tightly as tears began to burn her eyes. No, she commanded.
His breath quickened and his body grew rigid above her, when suddenly he exhaled loudly and dropped his head to her shoulder.
He stayed like that for a moment, and Cora not knowing what else to do, and feeling his moistened forehead through her thin nightgown, brought her hand up to his hair and placed it lightly behind his ear. At her touch, he quickly pulled away from her, which produced another gasp from Cora; and after averting his eyes from his wife, he fixed his pants, grabbed his housecoat and rushed quickly from her room.
She was left there alone. She felt her lip began to tremble and her vision blurred with tears. She was his now. It had happened. She sat up slowly, feeling a new soreness between her legs, and inspected the sheets. A drop of pale red had spread through the fibers and made her flush with embarrassment.
She looked to Robert's door, then, suddenly feeling a strange emptiness. Oh, how desperately she loved him.
"I won't think about it now," she whispered to herself. She fell asleep curled alone in her new bed, her face buried within the pillows.