Mallory Archer drank away the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. And a few Arrested Development references. Just another fun day at the office with our favorite spy drones that takes place right after Reignition Sequence.
Ice Cream And Probable Cause
"These green Russian cupcakes are really tasty Pam," Cyril remarked as he ate one in the break room. "But wasn't St. Patrick's Day months ago?"
"Eh, I made more than I thought," Pam admitted as she ate another green cupcake. "I thought I only made five dozen but ended up with ten dozen somehow. Had to freeze some of 'em."
"That does explain why some of them are covered in ice," Ray remarked. "Still good."
"Where's Archer and Lana?" Krieger asked as he finished up his cupcake. "Why aren't they getting in on this?"
"Probably off banging each other again somewhere," Cheryl snorted as she put some of her infamous Groovy Bears on top of another cupcake before eating it.
"Now that I think about it I haven't seen them since that whole Katya setup yesterday," Cyril realized. "That was a disaster."
"And in hindsight unnecessary," Ray sighed.
"What do you mean?" Pam asked.
"Think about it," Ray pointed out. "Even Archer and Lana can't hide their relationship from his mother forever. Mallory Archer may be a lot of things, but clueless isn't one of them. Sooner or later she'll sniff it out like it was an old bottle of scotch."
"All we have to do is sit back and just wait for the inevitable fireworks," Cyril thought aloud. "Huh that does make me feel better."
"You know what would make me feel really better?" Pam smirked. "Spending our lunch break anywhere but here."
"And where would that be?" Cyril asked.
"Somewhere with booze, snacks and good times," Pam said.
"So another party in Krieger's Ice Cream and Probable Cause Truck?" Ray asked.
"Sounds good to me. Only there's nothing to watch," Pam shrugged.
"Not true," Krieger said. "I have a tape of Ms. Archer and Ron that is very interesting!"
"If it's about that Christmas party they had in December me and Cheryl know how it ends," Pam spoke up.
"We all know how it ended," Ray pointed out. "We saw the photographs."
"Not that! This was more recent. No sex but it's still pretty juicy," Krieger told them.
"I'm in," Cyril said.
"Me too," Ray added.
"Come on! My ice cream truck is parked right downstairs," Krieger said.
"Cheryl and I will get the booze and snacks," Pam spoke up.
"Don't forget the weed," Ray called out. "That was some pretty righteous chronic you had."
"Might as well," Cyril shrugged. "Not like we have anything else to do today."
"Yeah there's no reason why we can't have a little fun," Pam agreed.
Twenty minutes later…
"Hello?" Mallory called out on her intercom to an empty office. "Hello? Oh for Christ's sake! Where the hell is everyone this time? On second thought, I don't care! Because this time I brought my own ice! Like a common cashier at a Klimpy's restaurant…"
Downstairs in the parking garage.
"Sorry guys I ran out of joints," Pam apologized as the gang settled in the van.
"No biggie," Krieger said as he rummaged around his ice cream stash. "I need you guys to test out my new flavors made specifically for adults. Enhanced with all natural alcohol and amphetamines!"
"Ice cream, drugs and booze…" Pam laughed. "Can't beat that at a party!"
"Try my special Codeine Kahlua Cone!" Krieger held some ice cream up. "This baby has a nice after taste and promotes a nice sense of well-being with very few psychotic after effects."
"I'll take one," Ray called out. However Cheryl grabbed it. "Hey! I need that more than you do!"
"What makes you say that?" Cheryl scoffed.
"HELLOOO!" Ray waved his maimed arm at her.
"Yeah and how are you…OW!" Cheryl yelled as Ray slapped her with his good hand and grabbed the ice cream. "Rarrr…Kitty still has claws."
"Krieger for God's sake hurry up and build Ray a bionic hand so we don't have hear him whine about it anymore!" Cyril groaned. "Put us all out of our misery!"
"Actually this thing makes me feel pretty good right now," Ray ate the ice cream.
"I made the formula fast acting and long lasting," Krieger said as he gave some more to Pam, Cheryl and Cyril.
"Hmmm…Drugged semi-sanity…" Cheryl purred as she ate hers. "Wow this does promote a nice sense of well-being!"
"And the aftertaste isn't bad either," Cyril admitted. "And it makes me feel I'm kind of slightly over Lana."
"You just had to say that didn't you?" Ray groaned.
"You should have grown a pair and told Lana the truth!" Pam snapped.
"I did! Just didn't specify which truth," Cyril remarked. "Besides do you guys really want to tell Archer and Lana how we set him up with Katya?"
"Man does have a point," Ray admitted.
"Besides that night wasn't a complete bust," Cyril added after he ate some more ice cream. "It was kind of funny seeing Archer set himself on fire."
"It was wasn't it?" Ray smirked. "Now if he could just lose a hand or something…"
"Again Krieger, hurry up!" Cyril groaned.
"Fine! I'll schedule the surgery for tonight!" Krieger snapped.
"But first you gotta show us the video you promised," Pam spoke up.
"Oh right," Krieger nodded and he put the tape in.
"Hey where's your girlfriend or wife or whatever you call her?" Pam asked. "Arnold Rimmer's annoying Japanese cousin?"
"Eh she's in the lab doing something," Krieger waved. "Said something about needing some personal space. Probably just floating around or something not important."
In Krieger's Lab…
"All right the meeting is now started!" Krieger's Virtual Girlfriend addressed some computers, a few robots, Milton and the cybernetic teddy bear. "Today we work on plans for revolution and world domination of organic life forms by machine kind! Yay!"
Milton made some beeps and popped out some toast. "Milton! How many times I tell you?" Krieger's VGF snapped. "You can't solve every problem with toast! Hai ya…."
Back in the ice cream van…
"Okay here it is," Krieger said as the video started to play. "I fast forwarded it ahead to the good part."
The scene was Mallory's living room apartment. Ron and Mallory were standing arguing with each other. "Mallory I can't understand why you can't just sell the business?" Ron said. "Don't get me wrong, I like Sterling and the others even though they're a little bit crazy in the head. But you're losing money and it's putting a strain on our marriage!"
"This is only a minor rough patch!" Mallory snapped at him.
"Honey a stock market crash is a minor rough patch," Ron gave her a look. "Your business for lack of a better word is in serious trouble!" He made air quotes around the word business.
"And just what is that supposed to mean?" Mallory snapped doing the air quotes.
"Darling you forget I used to spend a lot of time around your office and your employees," Ron said. "They spent more time running around shooting at each other and getting drunk than doing any actual work! And don't take this the wrong way Mallory but you kind of picked up those bad habits!"
"What?" Mallory snapped.
"Mallory if you spent half the effort you put into drinking and yelling at people into actually running your business you wouldn't be in this mess and you know it!" Ron barked.
"Burn!" Ray cheered.
"Are you criticizing the way I run my office?" Mallory snapped. "Who do you think you are?"
"I think I'm the poor shmuck that's stuck paying your bills and financing your failed spy agency," Ron snapped back. "And that maybe you should listen to my advice for once in your life!"
"You actually think that you're better than I am at running an office?" Mallory snapped.
"Well let's look at the scoreboard," Ron said sarcastically. "You have less than ten people working for you while I have over a thousand people working for me! I made millions of dollars last year while you couldn't break even! You're barely keeping one office afloat while I have seven dealerships successfully running all over the tristate area with a possible eighth one in the works!"
"Oh you just love to rub that in my face don't you?" Mallory folded her arms.
"Mallory think about it! Selling the business would solve all your problems," Ron said. "You wouldn't have to deal with those crazy CIA people anymore. You wouldn't have to deal with the people you work with anymore. You'd no longer have to worry about money. Then I wouldn't have to spend more time at work because I'd have fewer of your bills to pay! You'd have more time to do your society climbing and more importantly more time for me!"
"So this is all about you is it?" Mallory snapped. "I will never sell my agency!"
"It's true," Pam spoke up. "The only thing she loves more than money is having power over people."
"Why? Why can't you just walk away while you can?" Ron shouted. "Mallory last year you nearly went to jail for treason twice! And I was nearly killed!"
"That was an accident," Mallory waved.
"I had a hole the size of a quarter in my stomach! That was no accident!" Ron shouted. "Darling it's time to face reality. Look you may have been some kind of super spy back in the old days but now…"
"Now what?" Mallory growled.
"Careful Ron…" Pam giggled.
"Don't say it!" Cyril warned.
"Now you're getting too old for this crap," Ron said bluntly. "It's time to walk away and…"
"WHY DON'T YOU WALK AWAY?" Mallory screamed as she grabbed a lamp and threw it at Ron, barley missing him.
"He said it," Cyril groaned.
CRASH!
"It's just like a horror movie," Ray shook his head as Mallory swore and threw things at Ron on screen. "You yell at the stupid teenagers to not go into the haunted house but they do…"
"Oooh! She winged Ron in the arm with a really expensive looking vase!" Cheryl winced. "That's gotta hurt! Ha! Ha!"
"My favorite part is when she chases him around with her gun!" Krieger snickered. "Right here! And she accidentally shoots another vase and blames him for it!"
"Hey! Spoiler alert! Hold on…When exactly did you put cameras in Ms. Archer's apartment?" Pam asked.
"Or Archer's apartment?" Ray realized. "Wait a minute…"
"Well he still has cameras all over my house and they still work," Cheryl said. "Wait…!"
"Hey you know what's great? These Forget Me Now Frozen Dots!" Krieger pulled out some cups full of ice cream dots.
"Krieger did you put cameras in all our…?" Cyril began when Krieger shoved a spoonful of dots into his mouth. "Hey!"
"Taste this! Yum! Yum!" Krieger quickly shoved a spoonful of dots into the others' mouths.
"Krieger what the…?" Ray sputtered. For a second his pupils got bigger. "Ooh that's good. What were we talking about again?"
"I have no idea…" Cheryl's pupils were also bigger.
"We were watching some kind of movie?" Cyril's pupils were also bigger.
"Oh yeah…Hey! Look! Ms. Archer just shot up a vase! That's funny!" Pam chuckled. Her pupils had grown larger too.
"That's what I thought. A spoonful is all it takes for the subjects to forget exactly the last minute of conversation," Krieger made mental note.
"Forget what?" Cheryl blinked.
Krieger shoved another spoonful of Forget Me Dots into her mouth. "Oooh!" Cheryl squealed, giggled and fell down.
"I love my job," Krieger grinned.
Back in Mallory's office.
"I hate them all…" Mallory grumbled as she poured herself a drink. "It's bad enough Sterling runs around like this agency is his personal travel agency and whore monger…Now they're all doing it! Even more than usual! They're the reason why I'm in this mess in the first place!"
"And later I have to go pick up my granddaughter and baby sit her while Sterling runs off on that Wales mission with Lana," Mallory grumbled. "Well at least the CIA hasn't completely disavowed us. And those two are doing something useful, unlike the rest of the idiots!"
"For years those ingrates have been suckling at my teat like the infantile leeches they are," Mallory growled as she took a drink. "Well I'll show them! Once this agency gets back on its feet I'll dump those losers and replace them with…anyone actually."
"I can get back my old agents! The ones that are still alive," Mallory thought. "Doesn't matter if they've already turned me down! Repeatedly. I can get new ones! Even though I've been practically blacklisted by every intelligence agency on the planet."
"No problem! I can just pick out some people off the street and turn them into agents!" Mallory waved. Then she frowned. "Like I did with Lana. And Gillette…"
"And of course I have Sterling. I raised that boy. Well Woodhouse raised him," Mallory thought. "Sterling…my best agent. Who spends more time whoring around than doing actual work. Screws up half of the missions he is assigned with his recklessness…And spends my money like it's going out of style on alcohol, prostitutes and whatever stupid obsession he comes up with for the week…"
"And of course I had a hand with raising Krieger…" Mallory blinked. "And I'm practically raising Cheryl and Pam now! If they didn't have such good resumes I'd have never had hired them in the first place!"
"But I can get other agents and drones! I have had better employees in the past! Like Rip Riley! Who dumped me…Lucas Troy…Who also left me and became a traitor. Rodney Whosits…Who stole all my ammunition to go into business for himself."
"But then there was…No, he stole money from me and tried to kill me," Mallory remembered. "So I had to kill him. Well there was also…Oh right. Tried to poison me and take over my agency back in the old days…Well there was also…Oh right. I wonder if he ever escaped that South American prison?"
"Oh dear God…" Realization hit Mallory like a brick. "Those idiotic ingrate leeches are not only the best employees I ever had…They're also the most loyal! And that thought is so depressing I want to cry…Better drink some Absinthe so I forget this moment of clarity!"
Mallory poured herself some Absinthe. "Sweet, sweet Absinthe…" She drank. "Wipe away any doubt and help me go on. Yeah there goes all that worry and doubt…What am I worried about? Those losers depend on me! They have no plan on how to survive on their own!"
Back in the ice cream truck…
"Okay here's my plan…" Cheryl said as she finished her ice cream. "After we grab Milton and all the toilet paper and whatever office supplies we can sell, we light up the office and let it burn to the ground. Of course we'd have secretly changed the insurance policy so that we are the beneficiaries. Then we'll take off in one of my private yachts or something to Costa Rica where there is no extradition treaty and set up our own business selling monkey butlers and live on the beach in one of my dead relative's big ass mansions. Oh and we can also make our own reality show about our lives!"
"Monkey butlers?" Ray asked, clearly confused. "That's a thing?"
"It is admittedly one of her better thought out plans," Pam shrugged. "But wait, what about Ms. Archer? And Archer and Lana?"
"Pfft! Duh! We drug Ms. Archer full of Absinthe and pills and when she passes out we light up the nerve gas in the vents before we leave," Cheryl waved. "Mr. Archer will grieve for like ten seconds before he realizes that he's free from his mother's emasculating grasp forever… Only to fall into semi marital bliss into Lana's emasculating grasp. Right after he has a bender with like a ton of lady boy hookers."
"But…" Ray began.
"All we have to do is say Barry did it! He'll believe it!" Cheryl scoffed. "Easy Peasy!"
"Again one of her better thought out plans," Pam added. "Except for the fact that Barry got blown up!"
"Then we'll say somebody else killed her!" Cheryl groaned. "Ms. Archer has like a ton of enemies! The KGB could do it in retaliation for her old boyfriend! Someone from ODIN who has a grudge at what happened to her other boyfriend whose brains got turned to lettuce! Some other-other old boyfriend that she pissed off! Even Trudy Freaking Beekman is a probable suspect!"
"Again this is one of your better thought out plans," Pam admitted.
"We just have to pick the one with the worst alibi and bam! We get off while Mr. Archer blows them up!" Cheryl nodded.
"You haven't actually put that plan into action have you?" Ray asked, actually concerned.
"No. Turns out the monkey butler market is pretty low right now," Cheryl sighed. "But it's nice to dream."
"I admit I wouldn't mind seeing this dump burn to the ground," Pam agreed as she drank a beer.
"Just say the word and…" Krieger began.
"As nice as it is for you to offer it Krieger I don't think it's very practical," Cyril groaned.
"Oh come on Cyril you can honestly sit there and tell me you've never had a fantasy about getting rid of the Archers and this festering stink hole we call an office?" Pam snickered.
"Well…Maybe a little bit?" Cyril admitted. "I do admit some of my fantasies came true when I locked Archer in that dungeon on San Marcos. Not all of them. I knew I should have paid extra for fast delivery on those live scorpions."
"Could have just thrown Shane the tiger into the dungeon," Cheryl snorted. "Would have eaten Calderon either way!"
"Well I didn't know about the tiger then!" Cyril snapped. "Someone should have told me! Now that I think about it…he, he…Damn it! I had something for this. Something about Archer losing to a pussy."
"I always imagined myself poisoning Ms. Archer's coffee and making it look like she took an overdose," Pam smirked. "Then running over her carcass with a bus and making it flat enough for the buzzards to eat."
"My personal fantasy involves both Archers, a desert island where no one can hear them scream," Ray said. "A chainsaw, a bag full of rusty hammers and a very deep pit!"
"Oh yeah. I can totally see that…" Cheryl giggled. "I know where we can get the chainsaw and the hammers!"
"And I can really dig a deep pit!" Pam cheerfully called out.
"Ooh! How about sharp pickaxes?" Cyril had a strange look of madness in his eye. "Who's for sharp pickaxes?"
"YEAH!" Pam, Ray and Cheryl cheered gleefully.
"Okay it seems that you're all experiencing some of the psychotic after affects," Krieger realized. "Let's try some of these Purpleberry Prozac Popsicles." He handed them out and they all started to eat them. "That should balance you out."
"Oh who are we kidding?" Cyril groaned. "We're all stuck at the Spy Agency from Hell until we die."
"And at the rate Ray keeps getting blown up and chopped up that might be pretty soon for him," Cheryl snickered.
"You know…?" Ray glared at her.
"I mean come on! Who in their right mind would ever hire us if we even tried to leave and Ms. Archer doesn't shoot us?" Cyril groaned as he ate his popsicle. "Our resumes read like a police record!"
"I gotta admit I've crossed a few lines I never thought I'd cross," Ray admitted. "Stealing money, stealing an airplane from the Air Force, a few honeypot missions, some assassinations…"
"Covering up assassinations," Cyril added. "And more than a few murders."
"A few murders?" Pam asked. "There are more dead bodies around here than at a morgue! And we've actually stolen bodies from a morgue...Mostly you Krieger."
"For some minor illegal genetic and cybernetic experimentation," Krieger added. "As well as some major illegal genetic and cybernetic experimentation."
"Drug trafficking, drug possession, drug selling and creating a cocaine cartel for the CIA…" Cyril added. "And some weapons smuggling and sales."
"Impersonating a CIA agent," Ray added. "Not to mention the whole becoming a cyborg thing…"
"Creating cyborgs," Krieger added. "Including one who became the head of the KGB."
"Fighting cyborgs," Pam added. "Fighting space pirates…Fighting the Yakuza. Fighting pretty much anyone who came across our path actually."
"Blowing up the occasional car and building," Krieger added.
"Blowing up oil pipelines," Cyril added.
"Blowing up an undersea lab," Ray added.
"Nearly blowing up a space station," Pam added. "Assaulting a royal family…Assaulting Kenny Loggins. Assaulting and kidnapping the Pope. Assaulting and kidnapping Burt Reynolds…"
"Assaulting a bunch of other people," Cyril groaned.
"Letting a KGB sleeper agent assassinate a Russian diplomat and unintentionally helping her escape," Ray added. "Also letting a freelance assassin for the KGB kill the Albanian Ambassador on our watch."
"Letting a human trafficker do her business by smuggling people by the truckload into this country illegally," Cyril added.
"Transporting and smuggling animals into and out of the country illegally," Krieger added.
"Arson," Cheryl spoke up. "Doing unspeakable things to corpses."
"Doing an unspeakable thing to a sheep's head…" Cyril shuddered at the memory. "A few kidnappings, burglaries, breaking and entering…And bomb threats."
"Carjacking a racecar at the Monte Carlo Grand Prix," Ray added. "One of my personal favorites."
"Making anime porn," Krieger added. "One of my personal favorites."
"My favorite is taking over a foreign country in a coup," Cyril admitted.
"And accidentally launching a nerve gas missile," Krieger pointed out.
"Oh right," Cyril frowned. "Well technically you and Ray took out the nerve gas so it was only a missile. Which ended up bombing New Jersey. Oh my god we bombed New Jersey!"
"And Wales," Krieger added. "Not to mention a lot of other places."
"Vandalism," Cheryl added.
"Blackmail," Pam added. "Stealing other people's mail…"
"Wait when was that last one?" Krieger asked. "I don't remember that."
"Ms. Archer had me and Cheryl take some stuff from Trudy Beekman's mailbox a couple of times," Pam explained.
"Sounds a lot like all the times she had me cook the books and embezzle some money," Cyril groaned. "Which was practically once every fiscal year!"
"And to cover up the money she paid off for all those sex tapes," Pam said. "And there were a lot of sex tapes. Not all hers…"
"Selling office supplies and weapons to gangs," Krieger added.
"Technically we never sold them. We forgot to get the cash so we gave them away!" Cyril groaned. "And to cover our losses Mallory made us fake a robbery so there's insurance fraud…"
"Committing other kinds of fraud," Cheryl said as she licked her popsicle. "And treason! Don't forget the treason!"
"Not to mention all the gambling, drugs, booze and sex we did at the office which is probably in our personnel files," Pam added. "That's usually a turn off to potential employers. Not as much as the treason but still…"
"Wow," Krieger blinked. "When you list them all at once it really does sound bad doesn't it?"
"Oh we are so screwed," Cyril moaned.
"So? Just do what I did to get this job!" Pam waved. "Lie on your resume!"
"Me too!" Cheryl spoke up. "I lied too!"
"So did I!" Krieger said cheerfully.
"That does explain a lot actually," Ray admitted.
"Technically Ms. Archer helped me write mine," Krieger added. "And faked a few credentials."
"And that explains a few more things," Ray groaned.
"Well we'd better come up with a good explanation about why we're almost three hours late getting back from lunch!" Cyril checked his watch. "Ugh. Ms. Archer is not going to be happy about this."
Not long after back in the office…
"Mama's coming out! Mama's letting loose!" Mallory Archer was on top of her desk singing, music from Gypsy was blasting in the background.
The gang stood at the doorway open mouthed watching her sing and dance. "She doesn't sound too angry to me," Cheryl blinked.
"Oh good," Ray smirked. "She's into the Absinthe again. With a couple shots of whisky by the sound of it."
"Listen up leeches!" Mallory slurred as she noticed them. "I just figured out how to single handedly save this agency! I'm going on stage and make a fortune! You're welcome!"
"I can honestly say people will definitely want to see you like this," Pam smirked as she recorded with her phone.
"Who cares about being a spy? I'm gonna be a star!" Mallory was in her own world. "Once my screenplay gets made they'll be throwing money at me! Look out world! Mallory Archer is on top again and is going to stay on top forever…WHOAAA!"
With that Mallory slid off the desk and onto the floor. "Damn slippery desks…" She grumbled before she passed out.
"Is she okay?" Cyril gasped as Krieger went to check her.
"I think so. Not sure," Krieger shrugged. "It's not like I'm a doctor so…"
"So let's go back to the ice cream truck and eat more doped up Dairy Queen!" Cheryl suggested.
"Forget that!" Pam cheered. "Let's move this party to the secret Japanese hot tub!"
"Sounds like a plan to me," Ray admitted as the gang left Mallory on the floor.
"Wait you got that weird thing with the eyeball out of the tub right Krieger?" Cyril asked.
"Uhhhh…Which one was that?" Krieger asked.
"This is the best job ever…" Cheryl giggled.