I Just Want to Explain a Couple of Things

Coda to Bloodlust. A Dean piece.

Gen. G. Not mine.

The thing about Dean is, it's always been about family. He never really had anything else. And hunting was part of that – he lived and breathed it the way he had lived and breathed Dad and Sam ever since that night. Dad showed him how to rock Sammy to sleep, taught him how to not burn sauce in the pan. And when Sammy was quiet and the pasta was simmering, Dad put a gun in his hands and told him about the monster that had killed his mom.

He hunted because of his family, for his family. Sam just didn't get it was that simple, and Dean had watched half of his life walk out on them four years ago. Two months back, he had watched the other half die, had burnt Dad's body so that it couldn't be used against them. Even in grief, they both knew what had to be done.

Hunting was part of what Dean defined family by, and now family was defined by Sam .

His brother had been wrong about him. Dean knew Gordon could never measure up to Dad – the thought that anyone ever could was laughable. Sam didn't understand that Dean wasn't looking for a substitute – he was looking for a reason.

And Gordon had given him the excuse. The man made it sound so easy: it wasn't wrong to be mad, to let it make him a better hunter. Without Dad, with no other way to protect Sammy, it had been a relief to believe it.

Then just as quickly Sam screwed it up with his goody two-shoe story of peace-loving hippie vamps. And it had felt surprisingly good to punch his brother, when he wouldn't let up with his stupid ideas about his feelings . Sam still didn't get it, and Dean wanted to hate him a little for it. In the four years between, Dad had been all Dean had, and Sam couldn't know what that really meant.

But the ass was still Dean's little brother, and there was still very little Sam asked that Dean could say no to. So he had relented ungraciously, until they traced their way back to the nest. And even then, finally seeing Gordon for the whackjob he really was as he cut into Lenora, some part of Dean couldn't believe that the vampire didn't deserve it.

I didn't even blink

And neither would you

The thing with Dean though, is that it's always been about family. When Gordon turned to him, confident of the likeness he saw reflected, Dean had to look away, because suddenly it wasn't about the vampires anymore. If it had been him and Sam – if something happened to Sam the way it had to Gordon's sister…

Our job is hunting evil. And if these things aren't killing people, they're not evil

Dean got it then, was forced to admit he had known all along that Sam was right. He just hadn't wanted to care.

But when Gordon grabbed Sam and sliced through skin, everything else became unimportant. Gordon had murdered his own sister, had pulled a knife on Dean's little brother. And Dean, who was a hunter because of family, could never be the same as Gordon that way.

That was what unnerved Dean the most, after they left Gordon unconscious in an empty nest, and the vampires had once again escaped into seclusion. Because without family, without Sam to question his motives and reel him in, Dean knew with a bone-deep certainty that Gordon would have been more than right about him. But although he was like the other hunter in some ways, he was learning now about the real nature of the grey between the black and white, only because it was Sam who was showing it to him.

(hey, Dad. It's just the two of us now. Me and Sammy, we're not really alright, but we're getting there

He's stronger than you think, you know. He's a better person than the two of us put together. He's the only thing I have left now

I've got his back. I won't let you down. Don't worry, Dad. It'll be alright)