Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, its characters and/or story. Thank you.
Pain is the brain's reaction to something physically wrong with you but is it just limited to physical problems? I don't think so. I think Pain is what makes someone truly human, at least, that would explain why I feel so much of it. I mean, if mistakes don't make me human, and trying hard doesn't, what does? If not being acknowledged by those around me doesn't make me human, what does it make me?
A monster…
It makes me a monster, freak, outcast. You name it, I've been called it. I haven't heard any new ones lately, which only means they ran out of names to call me. Which only makes sense, I mean, they've been calling me these things since birth basically. I don't know, sometimes I think it's they who are the monsters, not me. But what would I know? I'm just the lazy, dumbass kid who can't even perform a simple task. I'm just the dead last.
Sometimes I really wish I was dead…
Haven't you? I mean, who wouldn't when life is such a hell? I know people who think the same way. They say death is the permanent solution to a simple problem, I don't agree. I think it's the simplest solution to a permanent problem. Look at it this way, you're hated by everyone, that hatred will never go away. All your "friends" are fakes, only around you cuz they pity you. You've always been alone, and will always be alone due to problem one. None of these things will change. They are permanent. You see my logic now?
I hope so…
You probably never knew I felt this way, did you? No? Not surprising. I'm a good liar. You know that smile I always show? Or that laugh that annoys you? Both fake. They're part of my mask. Fits well doesn't it? It has never once cracked. That is one of the few things I'm proud of. I mean, if it fooled you? I've gotta be good if I fooled you. If I fooled everyone.
Even myself…
Yeah, at times I was fooled too. I actually thought I was happy. Then reality hit me and it all sunk in. I never believed it for long, but just long enough to gain some false hope that everything would eventually be ok. Then when I regained myself, I broke more because I realized nothing would ever be ok. Never was ok, never would be right? I mean, that's how the world works, right? That's how I believe it does.
Believe…
Best part about "Believe" is the "Lie". There is no such thing as belief, for it too has the word "Lie" in it. Everything is a lie. Nothing is real. At least, not to me. Example: I once "believed" I had friends… then they turned on me and showed their true faces… They "lied" to me. You see now why that's what I think? I hope you do, I really do.
Please forgive me…
I know this is sudden, you all must have thought nothing was wrong. Yet another lie meant to deceive you, which it did. No matter how I felt, I acted the same, so you would never know. You never needed to know what I did in my home, by myself. You never needed to see the scars on my arms, or the empty pill bottles on my night stand. You never needed to see how hurt I was, or how broken I was. You never needed to, because you are perfect. I never wanted to burden you with my problems, even if it would have saved me.
I'm sorry…
I never meant to hurt you. I really never did. I'm not being selfish, doing this. I just want it to end. I don't want to be a burden anymore. I don't want to be called names or hated. I just want peace, the only thing any decent "human" would want. Yet another thing that makes me human, right? I don't know. All I know is that I just want the pain to stop. I don't want to do this, but it's the only way. I know you don't care, you never did, but I want you to know something. Something no one else knows.
I've always wanted to be your friend…
That's the truth. One of the only truths I know. You are perfect, loved and admired yet, you were alone. Just like me. I thought we could be friends, but then more and more people acknowledged you for who you were and hating me for what they thought I was. I thought it wasn't fair. So instead of befriending you, I hated you. Until I learned, that we had become friends. Without knowing it, we grew close.
Pain…
That's why it hurts to do this. You're the only person who acknowledged me, who treated me like a human. It hurts so much to leave. I just can't take it, not anymore. I'm not strong, like you. I was never strong. That, too, was fake. Everything you think you knew is probably fake. I'm sorry to have lied, to betray you. I'm so sorry. It just hurts too much. Both to do this and hurt you.
My closest friend…
I'm sorry…
He folded the paper and placed it back in its envelope. Sighing, he glanced at the front of it. It bore his name and his name alone. This was specifically for him. He placed the letter in his vest, taking one last look around the now clean room.
He remembered entering this room only a week ago. It was completely different. It bore no trash covered floor, no worn out furniture and lastly, no blood. He remembered the scent hit him like bricks when he had opened the door. He walked through the small apartment, looking for the source and the occupant. Neither were found.
Until…
He opened the bathroom door. There, on the tile floor, were both the source and the occupant. He was unmoving and cold. The blood was dried, flaking off where it was on the walls. The scene shocked him into vomiting. It was wrong. The person this body was would never give up like this. But he had.
Sighing and fixing the letters position in his vest, he turned towards the door. Not looking back, he spoke silently to the ghost that had called him there.
"I'm sorry dobe."
He closed the door behind him as he stepped out into the rain. Looking to the sky, he let one tear mingle with the droplets.
"Sorry I couldn't save you."