I am angry. I am angry at you. I am angry at myself. I am angry at the world.
I just don't understand. I don't understand how something that meant so much to me could mean so little to you. Scorpius. We've been friends for what, a year, two years? I haven't kept track. I didn't think I'd need to. I counted you as my closest friend (of the opposite gender). I'd tell you everything, what I was going through, how I'd seen a dress in Madame Malkins that I'd fallen in love with but didn't have the money to pay for. You were there for me. Or so I thought.
To be quite honest, you never really opened up to me like I did to you. But you always seemed to understand. You'd ask questions about girly things that you didn't understand, like why we wear make up and why we take so long to get ready. I'd tease you when you got eyeshadow and eyeliner mixed up.
I liked you for a while. I mean, why wouldn't I? You're good looking, well-defined, have a great sense of humour and a lovely personality. You always said you loved my fiery red hair and no-nonsense attitude. You told me that you couldn't even tell the difference when I didn't wear make up one morning when we went for a run around the lake, and refused to believe me when I told you it wasn't true. You teased me mercilessly about my height.
Then you got a girlfriend and I realized that I didn't really like you that way anymore anyway. And I didn't. Honestly. But I did cherish your friendship.
After a couple of weeks you started to go distant. I tried to be understanding, knowing that it would be weird for your girlfriend if you spent more time with me than you did with her. We still had our occasional morning runs but we hung out less and less. I missed you, but I thought that as time passed you'd make the effort to spend time with me, once you were more settled in your relationship. When you were going through a rough patch with her, I tried to talk to you about it when you would sit with me instead of her, but you refused to open up for me. I tried to show you that I was supportive of you in other ways, telling you that I was there for you, subtly hinting that I was always there if you needed a chat. Apparently you didn't get that hint.
I guess I knew it was really over when I found out that you'd been all the way to Hong Kong over the Christmas holidays. Hong Kong! Who goes to Hong Kong and doesn't tell one of their closest friends? Well, you. Apparently.
I made an effort, tried to ask you about it in one of our less-regular-than-before owl conversations.
Hiya! How was Hong Kong?!
It was good. Had loads to eat.
Awh nice! That's so cool, I love Hong Kong!
Didn't know you'd been..
Yeaah, I went a few years ago, it's like the best place ever!
I guess it's pretty cool.
How did you cope? Pale little vampire that you are ;)
I'm not that pale. I was fine.
I still can't believe you didn't tell me you were going! That's the kind of thing that you tell your buddies :P
Ohh yeah, sorry buddy.
So how did you get there? Apparation or floo?
I have to go to bed, pretty tired. Night.
Oh, night… You realise it's only 9pm right?
That was the beginning of the end really. I realised that you didn't care about our friendship as much as I did. One lunch you came outside to where I sat with my friends like you sometimes did when you wanted a chat with me. I went over and started talking to you but you didn't really talk back and eventually told me you'd actually come outside to sing, since it was a bit weird to do it inside.
I don't know if it's because I'm not cool enough for you or what, but what I do know is that if you can't be bothered, then I can't either. You can stay inside, with your popular friends and you girlfriend. You can go to the parties that I'm never invited to. You can live the lifestyle that we all assumed we'd have when we were our age.
I'm happier the way I am, with friends that I actually like (I know you don't really like yours because you told me so when we were friends.) and who genuinely care about me. I have more fun messing around in our dorms and common room (You're too cool for the common room, obviously.) than I ever would at a party. I'm painfully shy around people I don't know or who I feel inferior to.
Not that you'd know that, since you were always embarrassed by me and were therefore never around me when I was around people I was uncomfortable with (i.e. your friends). I thought you'd gotten past that, since you hid it so well by the end. Or maybe you just hid me.
I'm better off without you.
Or so I tell myself.
Maybe I am, but that doesn't stop it hurting that you cared so little about our friendship that you would let it slip away without even so much as the blink of an eye.
I guess I give up. I can't always be the one to give. I need to have something in return.
I can't talk about it with my friends, since they never really understood us being friends anyway. I don't think even I did. But that doesn't mean they don't notice that you're not around anymore.
They ask me how you are, why they haven't seen you recently. I answer them truthfully: I don't know.
You owled me tonight, for the first time in a while. Our conversation went the opposite way to usual.
Hey.
Hello.
How are you?
Fine. You?
That's good. Yeah, I'm good thanks. What have you been up to lately?
Not much. (Lie.) You?
Oh, I've been out with my friends mainly. Played some wizard chess. Done some homework. You know the drill.
Is anything wrong?
Nope.
Are you sure?
Course. (Why would I lie to you?)
It seems like something's up..
No…
Hmm, okay then. You going to the Quidditch match tomorrow?
I didn't reply after that. What was the point? If you don't know me well enough that you would swallow my ball of lies, you aren't worth bothering with.
Maybe one day you'll realise and come running back. I won't turn you away. But for now, I'm better off without you.
Well, that was fairly un-fun. Just something that I wrote this evening when I had no other way of voicing my feelings. I'm sorry if the tenses jump around, I have read it through but I might have missed something since it's pretty late where I am. At least I spotted it when I changed from talking about Scorpius to talking to Scorpius and changed that so it makes some kind of sense! Anyway, please review, I'd love to hear you opinions! Reviews make my life ;) ~MaryLouise1996