TITLE: Give It Freely
AUTHOR: Ragna (WritingGoddess@aol.com; SpikeGrrl1@aol.com)
RATING: G
CLASSIFICATION: Buffy POV: Buffy/Angel, Buffy/Riley, Buffy/Spike
SUMMARY: Buffy reflects on her past loves.
SPOILERS: Set directly after "Once Again, With Feeling."
DISTRIBUTION: Any sites with my fic up; you all have unspoken permission. I write it, you can post it. Everyone else just keep my name on it and let me know.
PREVIOUS PARTS/ARCHIVED AT: http://www.envy.nu/allthepain/index.html
DISCLAIMER: If you don't recognize it, chances are it's my own creation. If you do, Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Kazui Sandollar, FOX and the WB own it or them. Various friends of mine are holding characters hostage. You may see them by appointment only.
FEEDBACK: Sorry I'm not home right now I'm walking in the spiderwebs so leave a message and I'll call you back...in other words, I want it. Don't care if it's onlist or not, but I prefer offlist since I have quite a few lists on No Mail.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Answer to Improv #28 (half -- conscience -- bitter -- option). And dedicated to Anji, Julie and Adam, the three people in my life encouraging me to keep writing.
~*~*~
It's the unbearable feeling of having your heart ripped out. Tossed on a platter. Fed to the vamps. Then burned, whatever was left over. And it floats away as ash.
Your heart is gone.
And maybe you scream in the night, maybe you sob into your chest, maybe you turn bitter and old...but when you lose your heart, you lose everything.
Angel took my heart so long ago. I thought I was dead. I wanted to be dead. I had no interest in being the half person I was, the walking shadow...the dying corpse.
And I missed him so much, so very much. He was the darkness to my light, the night to my day. He was my half. And then he was gone.
And I existed, day to day. I vowed I'd never let anyone else take my heart again. I got it back, worked so hard for it...
Riley took my heart. He took my body, my heart...but he couldn't take my soul. I think Angel always had that. And Angel still had a chunk of my heart. See, I never got it all back...my conscience wouldn't let me take all of me back from Angel. I don't know why.
And Riley knew this. He knew I didn't love him the way he wanted to be loved. He knew I wouldn't be capable of loving anyone like Angel like that.
But he took my heart, anyway.
At least he gave it back...battered, but it was returned.
And Spike...
He hasn't taken my heart. I haven't wanted him to, so I've kept him out. I fought him for so long as the enemy, then for so long as someone wanting to be a part of my life...
What flipped my world around was when I wanted to die. When I'd been ripped from Heaven and I wanted to die. And I danced and danced and danced as if that was my only option. And he stopped me. He gave me another way.
Live, though it might thoroughly suck ass sometimes, but don't leave him.
God, it ripped through me. It wasn't "Don't leave Dawn" or "Don't leave the Scoobies" or even "Don't give up on life." It was "Don't leave me here alone."
He was afraid, afraid I'd keep dancing and die. He was afraid that he'd be alone. Utterly alone.
Like me.
And I was afraid too.
And now, with the kiss, we have things to work through. This may not work in the long run. I may die, he may die again...we don't know.
But I won't let him take my heart.
This time, I'll give it freely.
AUTHOR: Ragna (WritingGoddess@aol.com; SpikeGrrl1@aol.com)
RATING: G
CLASSIFICATION: Buffy POV: Buffy/Angel, Buffy/Riley, Buffy/Spike
SUMMARY: Buffy reflects on her past loves.
SPOILERS: Set directly after "Once Again, With Feeling."
DISTRIBUTION: Any sites with my fic up; you all have unspoken permission. I write it, you can post it. Everyone else just keep my name on it and let me know.
PREVIOUS PARTS/ARCHIVED AT: http://www.envy.nu/allthepain/index.html
DISCLAIMER: If you don't recognize it, chances are it's my own creation. If you do, Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Kazui Sandollar, FOX and the WB own it or them. Various friends of mine are holding characters hostage. You may see them by appointment only.
FEEDBACK: Sorry I'm not home right now I'm walking in the spiderwebs so leave a message and I'll call you back...in other words, I want it. Don't care if it's onlist or not, but I prefer offlist since I have quite a few lists on No Mail.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Answer to Improv #28 (half -- conscience -- bitter -- option). And dedicated to Anji, Julie and Adam, the three people in my life encouraging me to keep writing.
~*~*~
It's the unbearable feeling of having your heart ripped out. Tossed on a platter. Fed to the vamps. Then burned, whatever was left over. And it floats away as ash.
Your heart is gone.
And maybe you scream in the night, maybe you sob into your chest, maybe you turn bitter and old...but when you lose your heart, you lose everything.
Angel took my heart so long ago. I thought I was dead. I wanted to be dead. I had no interest in being the half person I was, the walking shadow...the dying corpse.
And I missed him so much, so very much. He was the darkness to my light, the night to my day. He was my half. And then he was gone.
And I existed, day to day. I vowed I'd never let anyone else take my heart again. I got it back, worked so hard for it...
Riley took my heart. He took my body, my heart...but he couldn't take my soul. I think Angel always had that. And Angel still had a chunk of my heart. See, I never got it all back...my conscience wouldn't let me take all of me back from Angel. I don't know why.
And Riley knew this. He knew I didn't love him the way he wanted to be loved. He knew I wouldn't be capable of loving anyone like Angel like that.
But he took my heart, anyway.
At least he gave it back...battered, but it was returned.
And Spike...
He hasn't taken my heart. I haven't wanted him to, so I've kept him out. I fought him for so long as the enemy, then for so long as someone wanting to be a part of my life...
What flipped my world around was when I wanted to die. When I'd been ripped from Heaven and I wanted to die. And I danced and danced and danced as if that was my only option. And he stopped me. He gave me another way.
Live, though it might thoroughly suck ass sometimes, but don't leave him.
God, it ripped through me. It wasn't "Don't leave Dawn" or "Don't leave the Scoobies" or even "Don't give up on life." It was "Don't leave me here alone."
He was afraid, afraid I'd keep dancing and die. He was afraid that he'd be alone. Utterly alone.
Like me.
And I was afraid too.
And now, with the kiss, we have things to work through. This may not work in the long run. I may die, he may die again...we don't know.
But I won't let him take my heart.
This time, I'll give it freely.