Saving the Earth, the Norris way
It was a humid Saturday night in L.A., when 6-year old Ben's father came home from his job at NASA. He looked terribly distraught. He stumbled into the doorway like a drunk, with bags under his eyes. He hadn't been home for three days. Ben eagerly greeted his dad, only to be neglected like he wasn't even there. Ben's dad trudged to his bedroom, where Ben's mother, Martha, was reading Carl Sagan's Cosmos. When he entered the room, Ben could no longer see him, but stood listening in through the door. The mattress springs creaked. "Jonathan?" said Martha. Jonathan looked like a zombie, staring grimly into space. "Jonathan!" Martha repeated. He looked as if he was going to vomit, but spoke in a low voice and said, "It's coming. Apocalypse. An asteroid. Don't know how . . " He fell asleep. Ben and Martha knew that these weren't the ravings of a drunk. Jonathan never had a sip of alcohol in his life. 'Oh man', Ben thought. 'That can blow us all up! I've got to do something!' Ben was a smart kid, who knew a lot of things, including the danger of asteroid impact. But he did not know the difference between fiction and reality. When he told himself he had to do something, one thing came to mind. Superheroes. They could help! But how would he let them know? There had to be some way. But if anything, he couldn't do it here. It's not like he had their home phone numbers. Somewhere-- He got it. The Bat-Signal! He could walk to the theater a block away, put something on the spotlight, shine it, and Batman would go to him, and save Earth. Simple. So he grabbed a peanut butter jelly sandwich, and was off through the front door. Before we go any further into the story, let me tell you that Ben was not aware of the consequences or dangers of running out into the night, as six year olds are usually not. It was humid, and walking to the theater, Ben started sweating unusually . Upon his arrival at the theater (very frantic and paranoid) Ben looked around quickly, and headed for the spotlight (which was bolted down securely). One problem. How did he turn it on? There were 12 switches! In a frenzy, (still paranoid) he switched them all to "on". There was a loud noise like a 747 firing up its engines, then, a blinding light. It was on. Ben carefully taped on the pieces of cardboard he had brought with him, and created a makeshift Bat-symbol. The smog and clouds over The City of angels served as a canvas for the signal. Now all Ben could do was wait. He found a corner near the entrance to the theater and waited. Meanwhile, in Beverly Hills, a dark figure gazed at the signal put on a horned mask and said "FINALLY!" . Ben waited 15 minutes, and on the verge of crying, he was greeted by a noise. CHINK! Then he heard a rope, and a sound like a flag in the wind, then, footsteps. Someone was inspecting the spotlight. That someone was wearing a horned mask. "Batman!" exclaimed Ben, only to be pinned to the wall by his shirt with a bat-shaped Shuriken. "Who are you!" said Batman. "I'm-I'm B-B-Ben! I n-need to warn you about something!". Batman stood still. "An a-asteroid is headed f-for Earth! I heard it! My dad works at NASA!". Batman walked over to the light. Now Ben could see him. He was kind of short and had a . . goatee? Must be new, he thought. "Prove it." barked Batman. Ben slowly pulled out a card from his pocket, and handed it to Batman. The "Caped Crusader" examined the card, which said: Clearance: Jonathan Pole, and the bottom had a number, 11092234323, along with a little NASA logo. "OK." Batman said. "Talk". "Well--" started Ben, only to be interrupted by Batman. "An asteroid's headed for earth, and they don't know how to stop it? I do." He pulled out a small remote control, pressed a button, and waited for five minutes. Out of nowhere, a grey Ford F-250 rolled up to them, and Batman simply said "Get in.". Ben climbed into the truck, and as soon as he shut the door, Batman stepped on it. He glanced back at Ben and said, "we're going to pick someone up." And they drove off through L.A.
They arrived at a cave opening in a field. Batman said, "Stay here." and left. As Batman walked through the cave, a shiver ran up his spine. An asteroid, en route to earth? This was heavy. He was unsure he could pull this off. He walked through a doorway into his house, and observed that all the lights were off. Oh, no, thought Batman, he must have stepped on one of my prototype hallucinogen capsules. This person that Batman was thinking about was his best friend, David Hasselhoff. He was staying at Batman's house for the weekend while his house was being sprayed with pesticide. Batman heard a thump. He neared slowly to the closet (where the sound came from) and turned the knob. He couldn't. Another thump came from there. "Dave?" said Batman. He heard a giggle. "Dave, are you in there?" Giggle. "Dave, come out of the closet." "No." Tee hee!
"Dave, come on. Get out of the closet." "No!" "Dave." "No." "Ok. I'm going to break down the door if you don't come out. I'll count to five. One . . . Two . . . Three . . . Four . . . . . . FIVE!" There was a loud bang, a crack, then an explosion of wood and splinters. David Hasselhoff was nowhere to be seen. " Dave! Where are you!" called Batman. "In the attic. Tee Hee hee!" answered Hasselhoff. Batman sighed. "You stepped on one of my capsules, didn't you? Aww, Dave. . Why don't you come out of the attic?" "Because I can't" "You know what, I'm going up there." Batman climbed through a hatch in the ceiling, which was in the closet. As he climbed through the hatch, David Hasselhoff shrieked, and crawled to a corner. Batman slowly approached him and said "Dave, come down with me. I'll give you the antedote for the--" He was interrupted by Dave. "Ssh! The baby's sleeping!" He held a bundled-up sweater in his arms. "Now, Dave," Batman started, but was interrupted again. "My name isn't Dave, it's . . . . . . The Hoff." Then Batman got an idea. He decided to play along. "Okay, Hoff. Would you like to go on a mission?"
Six minutes later, they were both in the car."We're going to the NASA Launch center where your dad works. When we get there, you will pretend like you're looking for him, then I'll slip past the guards, and find get into the mission control launch room. There, I'll sleep gas the whole room, and find a way to destroy the asteroid. Is that clear?" Ben nodded. "OK. Now sit there and shut up." Half an hour passed, when they slowed to a halt about half a mile from the front gates of the NASA launch center. "Why are we stopping here?" asked Ben. "We can't just pull up to the gates, kid! Now start walking. Remember, you have to keep them busy as long as possible" Ben was going to say OK, but Batman was already gone. Ben started to walk towards the gate. Half a mile! He could have dropped him off a little closer. As he got closer, he could see the barbed wire illuminated by the orange lights above the check-in booth. He was sweating again. His knees were shaking and his hands trembled. As he put his arms on the desk at the check-in booth, the clerk, who was reading Time magazine, jumped. "Hey!" he yelled. He was pointing a gun at Ben. "Oh. Just a kid. What do you want?" Ben replied: "I'm l-looking for my dad, Jonathan Pole". The clerk said "Mr. Pole? I'm not sure if he's here. Are you sure you're his kid?" "Yeah" said Ben. "Okay, I'll check to see if he's here. What are you doing looking for him at 11:45?" "He was supposed to pick me up when my mom dropped me off." "Oh". The clerk called someone on a cord-bound phone. "Can you run a check and see if Jon Pole is here? I've got his boy here in the booth. Uh-huh. Really? 9:00? You sure? His kid says he was supposed to take him home. Okay." He hung up the phone. "Your dad left about two hours ago. Are you . . Waiting for someone else? No? Okay, then why don't we give your folks a call?" Ben froze. He didn't know what to say. He wasn't that good at excuses! He only did what Batman told him. Then, an idea hit him. "My mom left to visit my aunt in Fresno. My dad won't be home because he's probably looking for me." The clerk eyed him suspiciously. "O-okay . . Let's uh .. Get some donuts . . They're in there. Yeah." Once Ben entered the "donut room" The door shut behind him, and wouldn't open again. As soon as the door was closed, the clerk ran to the phone and dialed security. "CODE RED! THE BRAT'S COVERING FOR SOMEONE! CODE RED! I REPEAT, CODE RED! SOMEONE IS TRYING TO INFILTRATE THE FACILITY! SECURITY! DO YOU READ ME! SECURITY!"
Security didn't answer him . . . because they were laying unconscious on the ground.
Ben. He didn't know what to do. Locked in a room at 12:00, 23 miles from his home. He started crying. He cried and smashed his fist into the door. It dented easily like paper. Man, these NASA people are cheapskates! He could get out of here easily! He grabbed a chair and started smashing the door. Two huge dents were there, the hinges were about to give. Before he made his final blow, he went to the back of the room and grasped a thermos of coffee. Then he hit the door. It gave way, and skidded to the feet of the clerk. He looked absolutely bewildered! Ben charged him, and threw the hot coffee on his face. "Unngh!" "AAHH!" He fell on his gate-control console, which electrocuted him and rendered him unconscious. Now, all Ben had to do was to get out of there. Then he remembered. All the gate booths have two golf carts! He stole the clerk's keys, went to the back of the booth, tried every key on the ring, opened it, and clambered into a golf cart. When he pressed a pedal (he had to stand up and do this) the cart lunged forward and hit a wall. Geez! That hurt. He turned around and sped towards the main building. I'm sure you don't want to hear how many times Ben crashed, so we'll just fast-forward. At the NASA building, the 34 guards on duty were unconscious along with a custodian entrance busted wide open. For Ben, walking down the damp, dark hallway was terrifying. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw shadows, and other moving things in his fit of paranoia. As he reached the control center door, it was eerily quiet. Usually there were phones ringing, people conversing or shouting, men and women hastily walking somewhere but now, it was silent. Ben need not open the door, for it was already busted wide open. Inside was a sole figure hunched over a control console, punching in numbers. "Batman?" asked Ben. Batman flinched and looked back at him. "Kid . . . There's something I've gotta tell you. I'm not Batman." He peeled off the mask. "My name is Chuck Norris. I've always been waiting for my chance to save the earth. Now, you, have fulfilled my dream. In ten minutes, I'll go up in a space shuttle, Make contact with the asteroid, drill a nuclear bomb to the center, launch off the asteroid and karate chop the rest of the debris. Then, Earth will be safe." He squinted and looked to the distance. "All you have to do is push this button as soon as I am in the space shuttle. When I give you the signal, you push it, and I'm off to space." He squinted again. "Well, I'm going now." Walk -- err, Chuck gave Ben a small salute, and exited. But then he butted his head back in. "Don't worry about the people on the floor, they'll wake up in about 30 minutes." Then he left. Ben was all alone, with 27 unconscious people on the floor. Ugh, thought Ben as he looked at a man unconscious next to a coffee machine, That guy's drooling. Ten minutes passed, and no sign of Chuck Norris. Then, a voice came on the screen in front of him. "Alright kid, I'm going to count down to 1, then, you'll press the button. 10 . . . 9 . . . . . 8 . . . 9 . . Oh, uh, 7 . .. 6 . . . -- Just press the button." Ben did as he was told. When he released the button, there was a calm, and then a loud roar, as if jets were flying overhead, but 20 times louder. The building shook, and then . . The shuttle took off. Walker flew off into the darkness of space . . He landed on the asteroid . . Drilled the hole with his bare hands (through the spacesuit) planted the nuclear bomb and left. 20 minutes later, back on earth, Ben looked to the sky. His dad had found him in the control room, with all the confused operators. Everyone was bewildered why Walker, Texas Ranger would be the one to save Earth. In all the confusion, somebody pointed upward, and there was a blinding green light in the sky, he did it. Chuck Norris saved Earth. After that, he returned to Earth and became The President of the United States of America. After that . . It was all legend.
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