Title: I Spent So Many Nights…

Author: Tensaiga

Genre: Romance/ Angst

Rating: PG

Type: One - Shot

Pages: 4

Words: 1506

Dedication: This isn't a real dedication. It's just for one of the closest people I know. I won't mention his name because I'm sure he doesn't want it to be mentioned. No matter how many people know me or anything like that. If they truly know how everything is functioned in my life. They will never know how much I love him.

Summary: I spent so many night wishing, thinking, wondering, dreaming, crying, running, fearing, and laughing… just for you…

I spent so many nights just wishing…

That maybe a stupid star would grant my wish and make me happy for once in my life, since it's only filled with pain. That you would be my night in shining armor and take me away from my misery to a place that I can call home. Or maybe even give me the time of day, a minute, or a second. That's not going to happen is it?

I spent so many nights just thinking…

That maybe what everyone says is true and not a rumor. For once everyone is right about what they see and hear. That maybe somewhere deep down you do like me as more then a friend, but that's not true either is it? You could never like someone like me could you? You hate me more then anything, don't you? You don't want me around. You couldn't care less what happened to me, and wouldn't know if I just disappeared. Would you?

I spend so many nights just wondering…

What is it that I do to make you leave me? I feel like you don't need me anymore. That you don't want me around anymore. That I was just a toy for you till you found a new one. What is it that I do to change they way you act around me? To be more quiet: self – conscious. What changed us? What changed you? All the free time I have is spent on thinking about you. What is wrong? There's nothing wrong though is there? You just don't like me anymore.

I spent so many nights just dreaming…

A little tweak, and a wish here and there, changing the way how my dreams play out to leave a smile on my face. Those dreams that sometimes bring me joy and sometimes bring me pain. Those dreams that you act like you used to, and actually spent time with me again. That's not going to happen either is it? It's only a dream isn't it? If you were reading this right now you'd think I'm foolish too wouldn't you? It's just a dream. Just a fantasy, different from the real world. It's what you want, not what you have. Still I wish sometimes they would come true. Don't you?

I spent so many nights just crying…

So many tears shed over you. As one comes down another follows. The pain you caused me. The pain you bring me. You don't know many people tell me to leave you, and forget you, yet I can't even come to do that. You don't know how it feels to pulled in 2 directions. One when your friends tell you to do leave, and your heart tells you to stay. Still even then I put a smile on my face. Letting that false mask take toll and deceive everyone. Only a few know of the pain. How many times I've wanted to die because of it. Still, you don't know any of this. Do you?

I spent so many nights just running…

So many nights just running from the pain I feel. Running away from the problems I am faced with hoping they would just leave me alone, and let me be for even a short while. The dreams I get that make me want to never get up. The nightmares that haunt that wake me up and make me thank that it was just a dream. The thoughts of you stabbing me, slapping me, hitting me, and leaving me. The things that you've said to me without intending or meaning to, but they come out anyway. You and I both know that you don't mean it, but sometimes it hurts too much to take it as a joke, and sometimes it's not a joke. You don't know that, because I always look happy. What could possibly be wrong with me?

I spent so many nights just fearing…

That maybe one day you'll be with someone else. That perfect someone for you who will never love me the way I do. That you'll leave me if I say the wrong thing. Leave me if I do the wrong thing. Leave me if I act the wrong way. That girl who already has a boy friend will take you away from me all for herself, and you would let her because you like her. Don't you? You like her but you won't admit it to anyone. Am I right? That she will take over everything I've worked so hard for. My friends, my family, my happiness, or even you.

I spent so many nights just laughing….

At the joy you bring me. How it feels so safe to be around you, while if others touch me or talk to me it bothers me and I have the feel to say no to them. To tell them that you're different from them, because you're close to me. How if you aren't near I feel sad and lost. That sometimes you make theses funny jokes. Sometimes you try to accomplish something I know you will. You don't do them to make me happy do you? They're for whoever you like aren't they?

Still no matter how hard I try. How many sleepless nights I face. I still spend so much time thinking about you. Just you. Not my other friends just you. Leaving them for you. Worrying about you when others don't. If you get hurt just trying to make sure you're okay. Be willing to sacrifice for you. Even give up my life for you. You don't know that do you?

You the bringer of joy in my life…

You the bringer of pain.

You the bringer of excitement.

You the bringer of fun and games.

You the bringer of tears.

You the bringer of laughter.

You who make me the emotion love.

You my everything.

Then all in the end all you had to say something that tore me apart. Made me feel dead inside. It made me feel as if my heart had been ripped out, shredded, and stepped on. Oh how I wanted to tell her that's how you make me feel, but I can't because of you. I don't want to hurt your chances with her, if there are any. That maybe she'd back off and let me cry on your shoulder. I can't can I? You hate the thought of me don't you?

No I can't be with you can I? I can't be near you, because that's what you want. Isn't that true? I can't let you know. I have to make you believe I'm perfect. Don't I? You couldn't bare the thought of knowing that I'm just a little girl on the inside that needs someone to hold onto. The happy little girl that has everything made, is what I'm supposed to act like aren't I? The girl that can handle work, and play. The girl who can make you proud to say "She's mine."

I can't be like that can I? I'll never be good enough for you. Will I? You always go to her. She's whom you want, but can't have. Isn't that right? Forbidden fruit always taste's sweeter, is what they say. Something makes me feel like she wants you to, but I'm not good enough. Never have been never will be either.

After I told you those three words "I love you" you rejected me and said. "I can't like her. We're just friends… it's not right…"

This is some what Inuyasha. Yea you can say the girl is Kagome… this is just my life. How I feel. I want the world to know how it feels to get rejected because of the poison I call love. No I can't say I hate love, because love makes me happy. Still I would've thought that since everyone said so that he liked me that he would. Like my friend said, "Things don't always go the way you hoped them to be. That sometimes everyone is wrong. I'm okay with that. I have my friends and without him I would be sad.