Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK
Interviewers: Jennifer, Linkin, Demon
Interviewees: L and Light Yagami (imagaY)
My Boss: Mr. Ticsman (I miss Mrs. Oswaldes now…)
Thanks to: shojen12, xDemonChickx, Mya Kiryu
"Eh…Why is she here?" Demon points to my lovely friend, Jennifer the pizza chick, as we walk to a hotel in the middle of Tokyo.
Jennifer puffs out her cheeks and puts her hands on her hips haughtily. "I got hired to help Linkin!" she snaps. She does not even flinch when Demon clings to me possessively and emits a dark miasma that would surpass Naraku's (Inuyasha). "The question is why you are here."
At this point, I shrug and let Demon cling. "She's my friend, you have a problem with that?"
Demon sticks out her tongue to Jennifer and we resume the walk in silence. The receptionist tells us that both 'odd looking gentlemen' are on the fifth floor in the room to the far left. We choose to take the elevator, which is soon destroyed because someone got irritated with the stupid jingle that was playing (and it TOTALLY wasn't me or anything). People stare as I drag the bits and pieces of the elevator behind me and rush to the elevator doors themselves to see what happened. All Demon does is cling to me and Jennifer keeps kicking the parts much to my irritation.
We knock on the door we were told to go to and it opens to none other than Light Yagami (imagaY). "Oh, you're Linkin and Demon?" he asks. That's when he notices Jennifer. "And who's this?"
"Linkin and Demon at your service!" Demon and I sing together. Then we both point at Jennifer. "And she's just a tag-along. You don't mind, do you?"
He slams the door in our faces. I guess our perfect sync was too awesome for him to handle. That reasoning, however, does not stop Demon from kicking down the door and tackling Light, slapping him silly. "DON'T LOCK OUT YOUR INTERVIEWERS!" she shrieks.
L is sitting on the couch, eating a piece of cake. Well, he was until he started staring at us like a bunch of psychopaths. Light manages to shove Demon into me, therefore causing us to crash into the wall, and scrambles to the couch to cling to the arm like a child. Jennifer has to hold us back before we manage to grab Light's Death Note out of his bag, write his name, and the most painful death possible: watching Barney episodes in loop FOREVER and EVER until he ROTS. Seriously, such a party-pooper!
Jennifer sets us onto a couch sitting opposite of the one with the interviewees. With a sigh, I whip out the folder and glance over the questions. Nothing majorly interesting or relevant, but whatever keeps me in the job, right? "Okay, I guess I should start going over the basic rules of the interview," I huff. Why Mr. Ticsman wrote that in bold letters at the top, I have no clue. "We, the interviewers, ask each of you five questions-totaling to ten-and you either answer or get annihilated by Demon here." Not what it says, but the Heck with it.
L remains silent as Light gulps and tugs at his shirt collar. Good thing that we never said our last names, otherwise we'll really be in for it once he decides to use the black notebook he so adores. Demon chuckles maniacally and grabs the list from my fingers, clearing her throat. She practically sings her first question to L. "L, question one~" she hums. "On a scale of one to ten, should Linkin let me rape my Sebby-kun~?"
Our tag-along is the one to provide the picture this time. "Not at all," he answers dully. "Zero."
She growls and reaches for Cassie the chainsaw (conviently packed within a bag she brought along). I snatch the list and shove her over the back of the couch to prevent any bloodshed prior to the end of this rubbish. "Q-Question two!" I rush. "Light…" Oh this is going to get my name in the book. "…" And that is why I go to the next. "Do you believe in demons?"
Light is a bit caught off guard, but sits up to answer none of the less. "Yes," he nods curtly. "After all, just because we can't see them, they could still be lingering right beside us." He directs a pointed-glare at Demon. "Or right in front of us."
'Yes, but lying his ass off.' Jennifer reaches for the folder, but Demon snatches it before-hand. "This one is for Light~" she sings again. Not sure what she's so happy about, but I'll roll with it. "Do you think I should lock Linkin up so I can rape Sebby-kun?" Oh. That.
…
…
…
WHAT?!
"HEY!" I shriek, standing up and tackling her. "THAT ISN'T ONE OF THE QUESTIONS!"
"How would you know?!" she protests.
I then proceed to shake her like a mad woman. "I HAVE MEMORIZED THEM BY THE FREAKING BLOOD VESSEL AT THIS POINT!" I sob. "AND I DEFINITELY KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU SHOULD DEPRIVE ME OF MY FREEDOM AND SECURITY IS NOT ONE OF THEM!" After that, I sit in a corner that fills itself up with the miasma of depression.
The room is filled with silence until Jennifer laughs nervously and picks up the folder, plastic groaning as a firm grip suffocates it. "T-Think of that as a bonus question…" she says, I'm guessing to Light and L.
Demon drags me out of the corner and onto the couch, where she hugs me like I'm some over-sized teddy bear. Light blinks at that scene before blinking at Jennifer, then at us again. He shakes his head and thinks a bit. Now, as to why he is thinking, it BETTER be on how to word it. If not, he's lucky I am forbidden from Mr. Ticsman to use my telepathy today (bastard). "No," he finally answers. "After all, one cannot take someone's freedom away."
"THANK YOU," I stress, flailing a hand in his direction. "Now, ask one of the ACTUAL questions, Demon."
She pouts and checks the folder. "Light, have you seen any tall, sexy men in 1800's butler uniform?" she yawns.
He blinks and grows pale. "Yes, actually. Outside the hot-"
"SEBASTIAN~!" Demon dashes out, leaving dust clouds to enter our lungs and force us to hack.
My coughing gets worse as I try to protest. "DEM-ACK-N!" I shriek.
FML
A clock ticks as the dust settles down and we remain silent. Jennifer clears her throat eventually, little clouds of dust coming out with a slight cough. "Okay, since Demon isn't here, I will substitute for her-"
"-AFTER I ask my damn question!" I shove her over the arm of the couch. How dare she try to replace my pal? I STILL REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED DURING THE LELOUCH INTERVIEW YOU JERK! Grumbling, I glance at the list. "Next question is for L," I stress, not looking up. "Do you like pizza?" He shakes his head, so I simply mark it as 'no'. "Jennifer."
Jennifer straightens and takes the folder calmly. Glancing over the questions, she frowns and glares at me. "You have GOT to be joking," she hisses.
Light and L raise their brows. "What is it?" Light wonders.
"If you're not going to ask a question, fork it over!" I yell. She complies and I turn to both men with a red face. "Light," I address. "Would you kill someone for a Klondike bar?" I sniffle and wipe away tears that threaten to come out. Demon was so excited to ask that…BUT OF COURSE IMAGAY (YAGAMI) HAD TO SEE SEBASTIAN!
As if he actually has a heart, Light offers me the tissue box. I blow my nose as he thinks over the question. 'Tis a tough one indeed…"No. Not worth a life for food."
"Not even if you were to be out in the wilderness, starving…horny-"
"WHAT?!" Light exclaims, blushing crimson.
I shrug calmly. "Just a thought. ANYWAYS," I clap my hands together. "L, your turn~"
L shrinks, his cake sitting on the table barely attended to. "Please tell me it has nothing to do with your twisted scenarios," he murmurs.
"None at all!" I ensure. "So, L…" I lean forward for emphasis. "Ever thought about the calorie intake you get from eating cake?" He shakes his head. "Really now."
Shrugging, he leans back into the couch cushions. "A lot of people don't really care about how many calories something is. Why do you think Americans are so obese?" Okay, I will not tell him that I, myself, and American then.
Jennifer, being smart, leans back and crosses her legs, seemingly smug. "How about the problem with anorexia?" she challenges. "Last time I checked, that happens when people either starve themselves or go on strict, very-low calorie diets." Seriously, when did this become 'The Issues of the World Today'?
As they bicker about obesity and anorexia, I get some actual work done by planning out the questions. I face L and shove Jennifer over the arm again. "Okay L, last two questions." He nods and lets me continue. "One, do you think this interview is all a hallucination from eating too much cake?" He shakes his head. Darn it… "Lastly, do you think Light is gay?"
"What?" Light jerks his head towards me, astounded. L nods, making Light glare. "You bastard…" he whispers.
This is when I turn to Light. It was nice living, you know? "Two more questions for you Light and we should be out of here~" I hum. "Now, are-"
"ARE YOU GAY?!" Demon bursts in, grabbing him by the collar. While he is off guard, she slaps him silly. "ANSWER THE QUESTION DIRT-BAG!" Anyone want to guess that she did not find her precious Sebby-kun?
Light chokes and sputters, speechless. Demon slaps him more and more before resulting to beating him senseless. "I'M NOT!" he cries out, pushing her face away. "OKAY?! I'm not!"
'In denial'. "Last question Demon-chan~" I sing, skipping next to her. "Want to ask it?"
"Yep!" she cheers. Facing the bruised and battered Yagami (imagaY), her aura changes from dark and evil to cheery and happy. Yay~ Demon's back~ "Okay, last question before I can go off to rape the actual Sebby!" Wait what? "How many man periods have you been on Light? I mean seriously, setting a woman out on some imposter…Utterly SHAMEFUL!"
He stares. And stares. And stares. Despite my sudden case of déjà vu, I start tugging Demon towards the door. Meh, who cares if Jennifer gets slaughtered by these two? Light takes out the Death Note and faces us with the creepiest, cheery smile known to psychopath. "Excuse me, but could I have your names please?"
Demon and I run. "Do you want mine to?" Jennifer asks. She only tells him her own, and that does not stop Demon and I from running out of the window and all the way to the Phantomhive manor for the comfort of a butt-kicking demon's presence.
R.I.P
Jennifer
Dumb ass who told Kira her name so he could write it in the Death Note.