I love you.
Saare Adaar had rehearsed the words over and over in her head, wanting nothing more than to shout them from the top of her lungs as she climaxed.
"I just wish we'd had time for the wedding before Corypheus showed up."
A joke was simpler, easier to manage.
"I… what?"
Saare kept her face straight, "I assumed we were getting married."
'Um… Uh…"
Saare laughed, "The look you your face!"
"Oh, you are evil."
Bull leaned in and kissed her on the forehead, dragging her down with him onto the bed.
I love you.
This was not the first time she had felt the words on the tip of her tongue only to leave it unspoken between them. But this was something casual, a bit of fun to release the stress of being Inquisitor. Bull had been very upfront about it all right from the moment she met him.
"Qunari love their friends like anyone else, but we don't have sex with them."
At the time the words hadn't perturbed her, something light and casual had sounded perfect. It was the trajectory of most of her relationships anyway and the fact that Bull was Qunari rather than human or elf meant little to her. It was sex, meaningless fun. There was no affection, no tenderness. No love.
Or at least there wasn't supposed to be.
The moment she realised that she did, in fact, love Bull, she had sworn that she'd never tell him. She couldn't. Because then he'd end it and she'd never again feel his skin against hers, taste his lips, get drunk on his scent. No, she'd rather be close to him even if it meant she could never express the way she felt.
It's better this way, Saare thought as she drifted off to sleep, Bull's arm pulling her close. Saare wrapped her arms around his body, kissing his shoulder.
Saare opened her eyes first becoming aware that Bull was still fast asleep next to her. She smiled, tracing his scars with her fingers, but Bull didn't stir, he never did when they were in their room. Carefully Saare extracted herself from Bull's limbs, her stomach rumbled and judging by the light outside it was just reaching dawn. The cooks would be up by now and hopefully there would be some bread in the kitchen she could pinch. Shutting the door carefully behind her, Saare didn't even notice Cole.
"Dominance isn't shouts and demands. A hand at the small of your back. Whispered words make your head spin. It's almost on the tip of your tongue sometimes. 'I love you'".
"Oh shit, Cole. I didn't see you."
"Sorry."
Saare sighed she had long given up trying to get Cole to stop sneaking up on her.
"It's alright, what do you want?"
"You're hurting. I can help the hurt. Soothe, salve, save."
"Cole," Saare warned, "Just leave it."
She brushed past him, walking quickly down the stairs.
"You're trying to choke down the feeling, and you're trembling, but it's bubbling up, breaking the surface. He reaches out and touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart take root in your body. You've discovered something you don't have a name for. He loves you too."
Saare froze, had she heard Cole right?
"Say that last part again," she said without turning around.
"He loves you too," Cole repeated.
"He… told me that Qunari don't have sex for love."
"The Iron Bull is Tal-Vashoth."
"Still," Saare replied uncertainly, "How do you know? What are his thoughts?"
She immediately regretted asking about Bull's personal thoughts, but had blurted out the question before she could stop herself.
"You smile and all he can think is 'Oh shit'. You're laced in his bones. He doesn't know how to untangle the strings."
Saare turned around, "Right, ok. Look Cole, I have to-"
Bull stood at the top of the stairs, a smile playing around his lips. Saare felt the blood rush to her face, that door was too well oiled.
"See, The Iron Bull, she loves you too."
"Thank you, Cole," his voice was firm, but gentle, indicating to Cole that it was time for him to leave.
The boy disappeared, leaving the two Tal-Vashoth alone.
"Did you set Cole up to that?"
Bull chuckled, "No, I suspect he planned that himself. He's crafty for a spirit."
"Bull, I- Is it true? What Cole said?"
Bull didn't reply, instead motioning for her to come back into their quarters. Saare followed, shutting the door behind her. She turned around and nearly ran into Bull, who stood facing her less than a foot away.
"Kadan," he murmured, closing the gap between them, "I love you."
Hearing the words knocked the air out of her lungs. She could scarcely believe it. All that time, all that worrying, and he loved her too.
He loved her.
"I love you too," her voice barely above a whisper.
Pining her against the door, Bull kissed her deeply. He took her breath away, but the desperation in which he kissed proved he wanted more than that. He seemed to want to rip it from her mouth and keep it locked away between his teeth. Only to give it back if she kissed him again. And she did.
His hunger was matched only by her own, neither unable to sate it quick enough.
"I love you," Saare whispered, chanting it over and over as if to make it seem more real, more solid.
Is this what love felt like?