Chapter I - Snake's Hard Night Out
"Vegeta..." groaned a gruff, gurgly voice from beyond the abyss of sofa cushions and beer bottles.
The voice paused to listen; but no one responded.
"Vegeta!" the voice screamed, before the owner of the voice fell off the couch he was lying on, and crashing onto the floor below, "I think I just broke my beer... or my pelvis."
"... I swear to God, Snake," groveled Vegeta, whose voice came from beyond the kitchen, "If I have to get up from this couch--"
"I need an alka seltzer," Snake interrupted, before covering his mouth and burping, "I also just threw up in my mouth. It tastes like how tires smell."
A black leather boot slowly came out of nowhere, and nudged Snake's head on the ground, causing a rouse out of him.
"Ugh! Who's kicking me...?"
"Morning, sunshine. Bit of a hangover?"
"Perhaps, Seph," Snake replied, "My head feels like Metallica kicked it's ass."
Sephiroth helped Snake back onto the couch. Sephiroth was a tall man, with grey-silver hair, and two large bangs hanging in front of his face, which housed a pair of two emerald green eyes. He wore a long black leather trenchcoat, joined at the waist by a single buckle, and two pairs of silver shoulderpads. Two shoulderstraps crossed each other at his chest, and a large silver belt buckle could be seen peeking out from the sides of his coat. He also wore black leather pants, and long black leather boots.
Snake, on the other hand, was different. He was slightly shorter, with medium-length brown hair, a five-o'clock shadow, brown eyes, and a grey headband around his forehead. He wore a grey form-fitting bodysuit, and a black bulletproof kevlar vest. On his hands were grey military-grade combat gloves, and on his feet were black combat boots, the left of which carried a knife inside of a hidden compartment. Holstered at his right side was his favorite gun, the SOCOM pistol.
"You know," began Sephiroth, "I think Protoman might know something about treating hangovers." He cupped his hands over his mouth, and yelled, "Protoman!"
Snake cringed and covered his ears, "Don't yell, for the love of Pete."
A small, nearly childish voice yelled back from beyond the kitchen, "At a commercial!"
"You're watching a movie! There are no commercials!" yelled Sephiroth, again.
There was a slight pause, "... at a commercial!" responded Protoman.
"Shut. The. FUCK. Up!" Vegeta yelled, hitting Protoman.
Snake groaned, "You know what? Do me a favor and prevent me from drowning in my own drool. I'm gonna sleep it off right here..." he said, falling back onto the couch.
"Oh c'mon, you pussy," Sephiroth said, hoisting Snake back into a sitting position.
"Let me lie down with my decaying dignity," Snake said to Sephiroth, struggling to keep his head up.
"You need to sit upright, Snake," said Sephiroth, "The blood rushing to your head won't stop unless you do. I'll grab you an aspirin. Alka seltzer will probably only make you upchuck more vile substances." He got up off the couch, and disappeared into the kitchen.
"Oh yeah?" asked Snake, to no one inparticular, "Who died and made YOU a doctor? Huh? Yeah, I'm on to you."
Just as Sephiroth got out of Snake's sight, Vegeta came walking into the living room area, and stood before Snake.
Vegeta was a different person from Sephiroth and Snake. He was shorter than Snake, but not by too much. On his head rested black, spiky hair, which was so added at least twenty inches to his overall height. He was wearing a blue sleeveless t-shirt, and a pair of sweatpants that were also blue. On his hands he wore long white gloves, and on his feet were white boots. He stared at Snake with jet-black eyes.
"Let this be a warning to you, Snake," he growled, "If I have to pause this movie again, and get up off my couch because you're complaining about a hangover, I'll make sure you're in so much pain, you'll wish you had kept the damn hangover." He then turned to return to his movie.
Snake stuck his tongue out at him as he disappeared beyond the kitchen, "Don't get your panties in a bunch, Nancy."
Moments later, Sephiroth came back from the kitchen, with a glass of water, and a pair of aspirin pills.
"Here, this should help," said Sephiroth. Snake thanked him as he took the pills down. Sephiroth then slumped into the chair beside him, "Now, you wanna tell me what happened to get you so hammered last night?"
"Well," Snake swollowed the last pill, "Here's the story. I'm in the grocery store... and I'm waiting in line to grab some long bread and ham, because when a man has a craving to eat a sub sandwich, and there's no sub shops in the near vicinity, one must take it upon himself to fulfill his cravings."
"For such is the duty of man," said Sephiroth.
"Yes. Well anyway, I'm in line to pay, and as I go to reach for my favorite milkshake flavor from those little fridges they have between the aisles, someone grabbed me by the hand."
"Well did you kick their ass?" asked Sephiroth.
"I wanted to, but I decided the assault charges wouldn't have been worth it. It was my old covert partner, Otacon." said Snake, "We had an awkward conversation about how we've been after our last mission, and then he invited me to some party at Club Konami in downtown Big City. Since I had nothing to do, I decided, why not?"
"So, I assume it was this club in which you got drunk," said Sephiroth.
"Yes, but I'm not finished," replied Snake, waving his finger, "After I went home and ate my sub while watching World's Funniest Police Crashes, I took a bus to Club Konami. I felt nervous going in, because everyone was so... different. There was a huge dancefloor, and everyone was stepping on squares on the ground with arrows on them, in time to floating arrows being projected onto the wall. Some weird blue-haired guy in a karate outfit, and another weird, fatter dude in a blue leotard were hitting on some blonde chick with a short green skirt and a white jacket at the bar. Finally, I saw my old college rival--"
"Raiden?" asked Sephiroth.
"No, worse than Raiden," Snake paused, "Trevor Belmont."
Sephiroth stared at him, "... Never heard of him."
"Doesn't matter. Anyway, he was lounging about the place, ladies following him everywhere, him making them laugh, thinking he's so high and mighty because he offed some vampire. So, like an idiot, I went up to him and said,"
"Hey! Belmont! ... You ain't so... tough!"
"Needless to say, I didn't have anything smarter to say after that." Snake said.
"Well, if it isn't Snake!" Simon said to me, with that stupid British smile of his, "I haven't seen you since college. How's that spy thing going?"
"Of course, I had told him I quit, and couldn't be better."
"Well, isn't that too bad?" he said, "I'm still riding on the mountain of wealth that came with slaying the Vampire Lord."
"He then started a group laugh, his bitches hanging on his every word. Humiliated, I stormed off to the bar--"
"And that's where you drunk yourself stupid in a fit of depression and embarrassment?" asked Sephiroth.
"Hell no! I bought a two litre bottle of Smirnoff vodka, two shotglasses, and went back to drink Belmont under the table."
"Ah," Sephiroth replied, pausing, "I don't know which is worst."
"Belmont!" I had screamed, "You, me, alcohol!"
"After looking at me cautiously, he accepted my challenge. After we both had about ten or eleven straight shots, well, I was able to hold my alcohol better than that skinny British bitch. He fell on the club floor and landed on his back. He threw his lunch into the air, like a geyser, which splashed back down onto his face. Then I threw the vodka bottle into the dancefloor, and stepped on his neck on my way out,"
"Now hold on," said Sephiroth, "If you were able to hold your alcohol, how come you got so stupidly drunk?"
"Oh. Well, I happened upon some punk kids, stole a case of their dad's beer, bussed home, watched a late-night showing of Animal House, and drank myself to sleep," Snake ended his story with a small, childish smile.
"Great story, Snake. Heartwarming." said Sephiroth.
"Guys!" yelled a voice, coming into the living room from the kitchen. "The movie's done, let's return it!" It was Protoman.
Protoman wasn't so much of a human being, as he was a robot. He wore a red-and-white helmet, with a black visor covering his eyes. Around his neck was a yellow scarf. He wore a grey bodysuit, and a red belt around his waist. On his hands were red gloves, and on his feet were large red boots, covering his shins and kneecaps. He was the property of Snake. He's the shortest of the group, coming up to about Vegeta's waist.
"What movie did you rent, anyways?" asked Sephiroth.
"We got two, actually," replied Protoman, "Murdalizer one, starring Chuck Norris, and Murdalizer two, starring Jean-Claude Van-Damme, who takes over the job of Murdalizer after Chuck Norris dies in the beginning," explained Protoman, "I wanna go rent Murdalizer three, which is coming out soon."
"Well, thanks for ruining the Murdalizer series for me. I'm sure they were masterpieces." said Sephiroth.
Vegeta then walked into the room, glancing at a receipt, and holding the Blockbuster video boxes.
"Guys, this movie's due back today, otherwise we get late charges," he said, holding the receipt for Sephiroth to see.
"Ah crap," Sephiroth said, "What time does Blockbuster close at?"
"Hell if I know," replied Vegeta, "Snake?"
"Beats me," Snake replied, "It's Sunday, so like... five-o'clock, like all the other stores," he said, shrugging his shoulders.
"Five-o'clock! It's, like, four now!" yelled Vegeta, pointing at the wall clock.
"Three-o'clock. That clock is one hour too fast," said Sephiroth.
"Well, whatever. I'm not paying any late fees. Those bastards charge ten dollars per additional day!" Vegeta yelled.
"Ten dollars?" asked Snake, "Sure that's true?"
"It has to be. I looked it up," Vegeta replied. He then shoved the Blockbuster tapes into Protoman's hand, "Go rewind the tapes, you."
"My name's not Yu, it's Proto--" Protoman started, before noticing Vegeta's murderous stare, "Okay, going."
A weird silence filled the room as Protoman walked back through the kitchen, and into Vegeta's room, where he began to rewind the videotapes.
"So... how was Murdalizer?" asked Sephiroth.
"Both are direct-to-video movies," Vegeta replied.
Sephiroth made a disgusted face, "Nevermind then. I've lost all interest in seeing them."
"Yeah," Vegeta said, making the same face, "The first one is two hours of Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicking terrorists, and the second one is two hours of Jean-Claude Van-Damme doing the splits and punching terrorists in the pud."
Snake chuckled, "Stupid, gullible terrorists."
About five more minutes passed, before Protoman rushed back into the living room, "Guys! The movies are done."
Vegeta snatched the tapes from Protoman's hand, held them into the air, and pointed towards the door, "To Blockbuster!"
Sephiroth raised his hand, "Shotgun!"
Protoman raised his hand as well, "Shotgun's lap!"
Sephiroth hung his head, "Ugh..."
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