Open at the close

by Nati Cardoso

Yes, dying was a very pleasant experience indeed.

He knew it.

From the very moment the Dark Lord had requested his presence, he knew it would come to this.

To greeting Death as an old friend.

Perhaps, he knew even before that. Perhaps, since the meeting in July, when he had requested Malfoy's wand because, for some unknown mystery of the universe, his own didn't work on the boy.

Merlin bless this man, he was probably one of the most intelligent and brilliant wizards of all times, and he just didn't see what was just in front of him.

'Muggle upbringing.' He mumbled, extremely irritated when he entered the Headmaster's office after he had heard that the Lord was planning to break into Dumbledore's White Tomb.

'Severus? What's going on?' Albus asked from his portrait, his piercing blue eyes sparkling with curiosity.

'The Dark Lord. He's going into your grave.' He responded, still bewildered by this announcement.

'To collect my wand, I suppose.'

'I would use the word steal, but if you want to be that condescending...'

'It'll never be his, you know that, right?'

'Yes, it's mine.' Severus spoke so quietly that it quite seemed that he was talking to himself.

'Not exactly, no.' Dumbledore corrected him and his dark eyebrows shot up to his scalp.

'What do you mean?'

'It's Draco's. He was the one to disarm me that night in the Astronomy Tower. Not you.'

'What am I going to do?'

'You protected this spoiled kid for years. You shall not stop it now. Let Tom chase on his tail for a little while. It'll give us some time.' Dumbledore answered as it was a first-year transfiguration class question.

And now, meeting the cold red eyes, he knew it was it. He had made so many mistakes and that was it. It was time for him to pay.

And Merlin, his end was sad. He accomplished nothing. Absolutely nothing. He has never had a house of his own, he didn't get the chance to be with the love of his life. Instead, he threw it all away, in his stupid blindness of wanting power. Of wanting darkness. He deserved this end, he knew. And he kind of knew that it was the only way that he was going to go: by the hands of the Dark Lord.

Just like her.

But there, in the very end, when he could feel the venom of the snake sealing his veins, and his throat hurting like hell and impeding him to breathe, when he was just about to step into that black abyss and let the darkness embrace him for the last time, he remembered that his task wasn't accomplished.

He hadn't told Potter about the seventh horcrux.

He hadn't told Potter about himself and Lily.

Please Lily, protect him. Please, don't let him die. Not in the end.

And then she was there. Not she, properly, but her eyes. Her emerald eyes. He had to say to the kid what was about to happen, what had to happen. And when he did, he just hoped, truly hoped, from the bottom of his heart (if at this point he could call himself a hearted soul) that the boy felt what he was feeling now.

Complete and utterly readiness.

There, in the moment that his own existence was hanging in the balance, he felt sorry for himself, because the last thing he would ever see in his life was her eyes, in the face of the man he loathed the most in the whole world. But he thought that yes, maybe it was how he was supposed to end. He had hurt so many people, and that was the only sacrifice he ever considered to have made.

Dying looking into the living proof that Lily would never be his.

He felt nothing after that, and until his back landed in a grass court, a few moments after everything went black, he hadn't realized he had ever been falling.

Dying was quite nice actually. You felt nothing. You saw nothing. You heard nothing. And he was quite sure he didn't exist much too. Yeah, dying was certainly a pleasant experience.

When he opened his eyes, he was surprised by what he saw.

He was in Hogwarts grounds, in a bright and beautiful summer day. And then he sit down and stared at the sun, blinking it off, not understanding why he was there.

Because, he thought that after everything he had done (yes, he was quite selfish to think that what he did was grand.) he at least deserved to be spared to ever step in that place. And, even though it was once where he was the safest from everything hideous in his life, Hogwarts had become his own Azkaban: the place where he was daily reminded of his own mistakes and how everything could have been different for himself.

The place where everything could have been and never was. The place where he made all the wrong choices.

"Severus?" Said a voice that he hadn't heard for more than 20 years and, yet, he could remember all the octaves and intonations like an anthem of everything he loved in what, once upon a time, was his life.

"Lily?" He asked, a tone of uncertainty at the girl that was standing in front of him. She nearly smiled and put out her hand, being both a silent truce and a forgiving act. He stood up with her help and didn't let go of her hand.

"I'm so sorry." Her emerald eyes were even bigger than he remembered and were swimming in tears. "I'm so sorry you're dead." For the first time, he noticed her: she seemed around 18 and was wearing her school uniform without robes: a black skirt, a white buttoned shirt, a golden and red tie and black flats. Her hair was swirling around her, the soft strands of dark red barely touching her small back, her eyes had a soft touch of make-up, and wore her favorite pink tone of lipstick in her heart shaped mouth.

And then he looked at himself, and he was wearing his best school uniforms too – black and neatly pressed trousers, a very white shirt and a silver and green tie. He put his forefinger behind his ear, searching for a scar he got from a curse from Order of Phoenix's fighter at an assignment in the summer just after graduation and found the skin as smooth as it was in the rest of his body.

They looked exactly like the last time they've spoken to each other.

"Severus." She hissed, suddenly appearing from an alcove, cornering him alone when he was coming back his dungeon long after curfew.

"Lily? What are you doing here? Alone? Someone can see you." He couldn't hide his concern. She snorted and folded a piece of parchment, shoving it in her skirt's pocket.

"I don't give a flying fuck about someone seeing me here with you. You deal with that. I needed to talk to you." She said dryly, her green eyes scanning his, looking for a sign of exasperation.

"Why didn't you talk to me earlier today?" He asked, acid dropping from his voice. "Does Potter know what you're up to? Nice speech by the way. I really liked the 'From now and on, we are not classmates anymore. Even though it's a tight world we live in, we won't see each other like we are used to. So, hang on to the ones that are special. And always remember the friends and alliances you made here, that will define you forever.' It was pretty impacting, if you ask me. " Her eyes popped out in the dim light and it was almost possible to hear her surprise.

"I thought you hadn't listened that. Or it all. I was quite sure you didn't even go to the graduation party. In fact, I saw that you requested Dumbledore to leave school right after our last NEWT test, last week." She mumbled, still incredulous.

"Yeah, the old hag didn't let me resign. He said I had to be here for my last week, for the graduation ceremony and all this shit." He dismissed, with a shrug. "So, what got you down from your high place as Potter's girl and Head girl and gryffindor muggle-born role-model?"

"Oh, now you know this word? Muggle-born, I mean. Or you only use it when it's just us alone talking?" She asked with a heavy sarcasm in her voice, and his stomach twisted.

"It's not like I speak directly to many muggle-borns, except you, of course. And, it's not like we've been talking much since our OWLs, so I wouldn't have an accurate answer to give to you. So, if insulting me for my previous mistakes – mistakes that I already have apologized, not that it matters to you, given what a git your current boyfriend is - it's the only reason why you came all the way down from your beautiful tower, I think you can check that mission accomplished in your 'Tasks of the day' list and go away, because I really don't want to talk to you." And with that little speech, he started to turn in his heels to get to the Stone wall, but Lily caught his wrist before he got out of reach and stopped him. He suddenly felt his body warm up, but and cursed his own body for betraying him like that.

"Severus, I really need to talk to you." Her voice was soft, completely out of crispiness, for the first time in the night. He only managed to slightly turn his chin, watching her with the corner of his eyes. "Let's make a truce, ok? No insulting, no shouting, no anger. I have a request to make to you, and I would like for you to listen. Ten minutes, that's all I'm asking."

"Ten minutes." He mumbled, not sure if relieved or sad, but that time he turned his body completely to her, and crossed his arms around his chest, trying to keep away from her touch.

"Listen, Sev… I know ok? I know what you're trying to get yourself into, and it's not good. It's bad. And it's dark. And will probably kill you somewhere along the way." Her green eyes were pleading and she took one step towards him, one hand reaching up to his left elbow.

"I don't know what you're talking about." He dismissed, almost stammering the words and she frowned her forehead, a clear sign of annoyance.

"Please, don't pretend that you can lie to me. Because you don't. Specially now." She spat the words, her small hand running ominously down his elbow to his left forearm, warming up the tattoo area that was almost always one degree colder than the rest of his body. He shuddered and she held a grip on his arm.

"What makes you think that you know me so well?" He said with disgust and she just held up an eyebrow, almost amused.

"Please, Severus. Please. Just quit it. You don't need that. You don't even believe that."

"Again, what makes you think that I don't believe it all?"

"Your childhood best-friend is a Muggleborn. And if that isn't enough, you are a halfblood. You are not a pureblood, and never will be. How can you get into a war to fight for a group that you doesn't even belong in?" She pleaded, her eyes begging so bad that would have made his fifteen-year-old heart ache.

Too bad he wasn't a fifteen-year-old anymore.

"Oh yeah? And what do you believe in? Because do you think that I don't know that you – alongside your boyfriend and his obnoxious excuses for friends – have been invited to join the Order of Phoenix?"

"I see that our ten minutes are up. But if you want an answer, here it goes: No, I wasn't aware that you knew that I was invited to the Order, but yes, I'm going to join. You know why? Because I believe in equality. Because I believe that magic is for magical creatures of all kinds, and that we all should have the same rights. I'll fight because it's getting ugly for people like me out there, and believe it or not, there isn't much I can do outside. For Merlin's sake, I have 7 NEWTs and one job offer! At an Apothecary, that Slughorn got me! If you think I wouldn't fight, god, you really were wrong." Her eyes weren't able to swell the tears and she took a few breaths, trying to get a grip of herself once again. "I'll fight for what is right, and forgive me for what I'm about to say, but if you're not with me, you're against me, and if you're against me, than we're enemies. And that's it for us. Because I can forgive what you said. I can forget that phase of yours. I'm not asking you to join the Order too, but I'm surely asking you to quit the dark side. We'll be friends again and I'll help your way through it all. I promise."

That was it. She was begging for him to quit. To be with her.

But then again, she would never be his the way that he wanted her to be.

Because she was Potter's.

And this moment, when he recalled it again, years after it had happened, he used to think of it as the turning point of his life. The moment that everything could have been fixed, but never was.

"I don't need your help. I'm fine the way I am right now. And your ten minutes are indeed up." And with that, he turned again in his heels and left, not once looking behind at the sobbing girl glued at the dark alcove in the cold dudgeons of Salazar Slytherin's dungeon.

"That's the beauty of dying, you know? You meet the person as she looked like the last moment you have seen her in life. Sirius was quite pleased to wake up and find himself 20 years old, wearing jeans, a t-shirt and a leather jacket…" She rolled her eyes and he cocked an eyebrow at her.

"Ok, I know you probably don't want to talk about him." He shrugged and she smiled. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Is he going to win?" He asked straight away, the question that had been consuming his heart for fifteen years. "Pot-Harry, I mean…" She changed her weight from her right foot to her left.

"We don't know. Right now, it can go either way." All the hints of a smile left her face and she seemed paler, even though she wasn't alive to blush or anything like that.

"Is he going to do it? To hand himself in?"

"What do you think?" She asked, cracking a smile.

"Of course he will." He answered obviously to his own dumbness. "He's an idiotic brave arrogant toerag. Of course he'll give himself to death."

"I'm sorry about that though."

"Why is that?"

"You have put so much effort into protecting him and now having to tell him to send him to death." She patted his hand and he warmed up at her touch.

"You have died for him." He stated.

"So have you." She laughed.

"But it's different."

"How so? Because putting myself in front of a curse doesn't make me any different from you. You acted double-agent, and that's way more dangerous than doing what I did."

"You were braver."

"And you were more cunning." She cut him off with a smile. "That's ok, you know? Getting credit from what you did. And Harry is grateful too, and I'm sure he'll get to thank you someday."

"Yeah, I hope not today, though." He nearly smiled.

"I hope not too." She smiled again and he blinked twice. "There's something you want to ask me."

"Yes." He responded, and she sat in the grass and patted at her side, inviting him to come along. After he sat, she laid down in the ground and let the sun brush her skin and her hair. He couldn't recall anything more beautiful than her at that moment. "Why are you here?" Her eyes suddenly shot open, genuinely surprised by his question.

"You didn't want me to come?" She asked, uncertain.

"No, No! Don't get me wrong!" He said, suddenly aware of how his question sounded. "Of course I did." He felt his face heat and cursed her for still having this effect on him. "I was just not expecting that you would be here."

"Who were you expecting then?" Her face had all the light wrinkles of curiosity.

"I don't know. I wasn't really expecting anything, really. In fact, I've never really thought about what would happen after I died. I just spent so much time watching other people go that in the end, I just hoped that I would have a fair end-"

"Just like you deserve." She interrupted him, propping herself up in her elbows.

"Yeah, maybe." He cracked a half-heartedly smile and she sat down in front of him. "I'm sorry, Lily. I am really sorry."

"What for?" She asked, not dismissing him of the mistakes he had made in the past, but really wanting to know what he was apologizing for.

"For everything." He inhaled, and closed his eyelids, feeling the tears invade his eyes and hating himself for being able to hold them up. "I'm sorry for making the wrong choices. For choosing the wrong side to fight. For turning you and your husband in to die. For not listened to you when I should have. For calling you a mudblood. I regret everything wrong that I've done. I regret every minute I spent away from you because I was too busy with the dark arts. If I had the chance, I would do everything different. And the most important thing: I regret not telling you how I felt about you." Severus opened his eyes to find a tear-washed face of Lily Evans, (because for him, she would never be Potter or anything else.) and yet crying, she had this peaceful smile in her pink lips that said everything one needed to know. He reached out and embraced her, burying his face in her red hair, and letting himself cry in her coppery strands. He had dreamed about this moment for so long and yet he couldn't believe he was actually there, with her.

Severus Snape was probably one of the few men in human kind that felt good being dead.

"Severus, I just want you to know a few things." She started, with uncertainty in her voice, her face resting in the crook of his neck. She took a few breaths and – oh, too soon - released herself from his embrace, sitting straight enough to look at him properly, and took her small hands to his wet cheeks, wiping the tears from his face and he almost cuddled his head at the feeling of her warm touch. He had felt so cold when he wasn't near her. "It isn't my place to forgive or easy your guilt over the things you've done wrong in your existence. That's up to you. When you feel ready to let all the pain go away, you'll find the true forgiveness."

"Say that you forgive me." He said, barely an octave above the sound of his breath.

"Severus, I-" She started and he grabbed her hands and held them.

"Say it, Lily. I won't be able to forgive myself if you don't do it too."

"Severus, I want you to know that I always have and always will love you. In spite of everything bad you did and because of the wonderful things you did. And I also want you to know that I blamed myself for a long time for not being able to love you the way that you loved me. I keep thinking that if it hasn't always been platonic, maybe things would have been different."

"Maybe they would. But if you had ever loved me back, probably the hero that will save the Wizarding World wouldn't have been born, and there won't be the downfall of the Dark Lord. Maybe you would have lived for longer, but you wouldn't be as happy as you were in the three years that you were Potter's wife."

"I don't regret anything I've done, Severus." She spoke after a few moments, her tone reassuring. "Even if I could, I wouldn't have done anything differently."

"You Gryffindors, always about the glory." He half joked and she smirked.

"Yeah, maybe. I think that if he could, James would have fainted when they put up that statue of us in Godric's Hollow."

"Being an arrogant toerag as he was, I wouldn't have expected anything less." He spat and she furrowed her eyebrows.

"I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry I married the man you despised the most. I know you've never quite got over it."

"Why is that?" He lied and she blinked, amused.

"Because of the way you treated Harry." She answered simply.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Severus dismissed, not properly looking into her eyes and all the traces of smile left Lily's lips.

"Severus, if there's one thing that I won't ever be able to forgive you is that. Harry grew up in a unloving house, where he was nothing but a piece of unwanted furniture that you can't quite get rid of. And I don't understand how you, of all people, don't get exactly how he feels. And you also had me, a real friend that you could exchange experiences and magic and all of this, since we were nine until we were sixteen. He had nothing. Nothing. He didn't even know he was a wizard until Hagrid told him. Hagrid, the half-giant gamekeeper was more of a friend to my kid that you ever were."

"Lily, I just couldn't… I'm sorry."

"I can forgive every single thing that you did. Every bit of it. Everything you said until the moment you agreed to help protecting me and my family, I can erase. Because you've proved yourself a brave and loving hero. Maybe even a martyr. But you really had to bully him like that? Did you really had to treat Hermione and Ron like that? And in Merlin's name, Neville! The poor kid, just like my own son, had a mark on him since he was a toddler, and he was raised by a resented grandmother, because his parents were tortured to madness by death eaters. And yet, you were his boggart! His potion teacher! I'm sorry Severus, but I can't accept that."

And that is the Lily he remembered. The one person who never thought twice before saying what was on her mind and the one person who fought for what she believed was right until the very end.

"And who are you to say anything about me? Look who you married! The man who bullied your childhood best friend for years." He said defensibly and she sighed, extremely annoyed.

"James bullied you because he was a spoiled little brat while he was a teenager. He needed reassurance because he fancied me and I used to hang out with you. He saw you as competition and he was stupid and insecure enough to show how much of a man he was by hexing you and all of that. He never hated you, he was jealous of you." She stopped talking and looked him more angrily. "And there's a whole Tamisa between bullying someone as a teenager and being just plain evil to kids who already have enough in their plates." He sighed twice and she caught his hands in hers once more, her touch reassuring. "Listen, I'm not saying that what James did was right or fair or even justifiable. Because it wasn't. He indeed was a bullying toerag and he shouldn't have done anything to you. But he became a nice man. He was charming, and brave, and good, and loving, and everything I could have possibly asked for an amazing husband and father. I really regret that you didn't meet that James. I doubt that you would have liked him, but I'm sure you would have approved him for me."

"How do you know that?" He asked before he could even stop himself and she smiled like the answer was the simplest in the entire world.

"Because he loved me as much as you did, and I loved him as much as I loved you. Only in a different way." She answered in a heartbeat.

In a different world, in a million other lives before, that would have hurt like a kick in the stomach, like there was something sucking his air and soul like a dementor and there was nothing to do about it.

But it didn't.

Maybe it's because he had come up with the realization that Lily didn't love him ages ago, or maybe because he already had come to terms with it.

But even though he was completely ready for the swelling pain of being denied even in death, he felt nothing.

"I'm sorry about that." She said, and suddenly her hands tensed on his. He looked straight away to her, to find her with her eyes closed and her chin lifted upwards, inhaling and exhaling, just like she was meditating.

"Lily, what's going on?" He asked, worry thickening his voice when a little line appeared between her brows.

"He has decided." She said, opening her eyes and looking to him. "I have to go."

"Where?" He asked, holding her hands stronger than ever.

"Harry. He's ready to die." She said and let the tears fall from his eyes. "I have to go. I have to be with him when the time comes."

"What do you mean by that?"

"He has the resurrection stone. Dumbledore gave it to him in his will, hidden in the golden snitch of the first match he played. The one he almost swelled." A resemblance of a smile touched her lips and she inhaled and exhaled once more.

"I'm sorry." He said, unsure of what to say.

"Have you realized how many times we have said it today? I think if we got one galleon for every time we said it, our vaults would be richer than all of the pureblood families' combined." The laughed weakly and she loosened the grip on his hands and stood up, trying to straighten herself in the way, and he combed a hand on her hair, until the very end of it, the strands brushing the small of her back. "God, how could I stand it this long? It was always tangling and the washing process used took ages and all that shit. A week after I graduated, I cut it just below my neck. I hated it from the moment I saw myself in the mirror and when flooed straight to Marlene, who was always the best with beauty charms. She regrew it to the middle of my back and that's how I think Harry will see me." He smiled while she babbled, not being able to restrain himself. "Before I leave, I have to ask you this. How is it? Getting old?" The question hurt more than anything he had ever been through. Because he got to live while he had no special plans to it, and she, only 21, a warrior for the good cause, married to a loving husband, and with a toddler to take care of, had to hand herself to death and didn't resent at all. It wasn't fair.

"It's bad. I know it sounds selfish to say it, especially to you, but I wish I could have not lived the way I did. If I didn't have the task that Dumbledore gave me, if I didn't have to protect Potter, I guess I wouldn't have lived this long. In the end, I lived in a prison of my own choices. I got trapped and it chased me down until the rest of my life. And you asked why I mistreated everyone. So here it goes: I had to see your eyes, the most beautiful part of yours, in the face of the man who bullied me through my adolescence. And if Neville had been the chosen one – because yes, he was marked as much as your own child – you would still be alive. And yes, I am selfish to think that way. I would trade another life to not lose yours. And Weasley and Granger? The red hair and the muggleborn smart girl say anything to you? Even though I deserve it, Lily, my life was a living hell. I lost the one thing I've ever loved in my entire life and I paid the price with my own existence." Her face was blank from emotions and all of a sudden, she hugged him, tighter than they ever did. When they parted, he looked straight into her eyes, trying to find anything there that would say that her feelings for him were more than platonic.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be the one for you. I'm sorry I didn't love you back. I would kiss you right now if I could, if I wasn't completely in love with someone else."

"That's ok." It hurt, but he had to say it. "Maybe in another life. Maybe in another time. Maybe in another story. Maybe somewhere else, we will be together and we will be happy."

"And someone would look up to us and write our story. Or maybe we would be just anonymous, the couple with two kids running in the courtyard. And we would be normal. And happy." She completed, nostalgia embracing her, even though she never had that life. Even though her soulmate wasn't him.

"I'm sorry I didn't love you the way I should." She finished, and kissed his cheek.

"I'm sorry I wasn't the love of your life." He finished, and kissed her forehead.

"I have to leave. Harry should meet us anytime now." She parted from him, cleaning the tears away from her face and slowly started to walk away.

"What will happen now?" He called after her. "

"You have to be ready to go the Next Level." She answered simply and he furrowed his eyebrows.

"How do I get ready?"

"You have to learn to let go."

"Of what?"

"Your life down there. If you're not quite ready, like me, James, Sirius or Remus, you'll stay here as long as you need."

"Where will I go when I'm ready?" Severus asked, scared.

"I don't know." She answered, looking half puzzled and half amazed. "But all the ones I've seen leave, were never afraid or doubtful. They just knew."

"Death is nothing but the next great adventure." He mused, and she smiled.

"I gotta leave." She said, still away, and he started to move closer to her, but she held out her hand and he stopped, dumbstruck.

"I'll mis-" He started and she held out her other hand.

"Don't do that. Don't say goodbye."

"Why not? I didn't get the chance to say it before,"

"Don't say it." She repeated and let her arms drop at her sides, smiling like it was the old times and it was just the two of them laughing together at Spinner's End or something like that. "It's a farewell. I don't know what will happen now, but my son needs me to be there for him, and I cant say no to that."

"Once again, you'll see the same man hit your child with a killing curse." He said, not really sure how he felt about it and she smiled sadly.

"And now I cant put myself between them. It'll probably be one of the worst experiences through my existence." She answered. "Listen Severus. I really have to leave. But I want you to know three things. First:" She held out her index finger "Everything you have done to me," He noticed her choice of words and felt a little bad for it. "is forgiven. All of it. I hope that sometime, you learn to forgive yourself too. Two:" She held out her middle finger "I'm sorry. For everything. I wish that things were different, I wish that the world hadn't thorn between us, but it did and it hurt like hell. You were my best friend and my biggest connection to the Wizarding World. You have and will always be my bridge to everything good that has happened to my life. Even James and Harry. And I am really sorry about it. And third and last:" She held out her ring finger. "I will always love you. Always. Unconditionally. Faithfully. And maybe, sometime, we'll meet again. And life will be kind to us, and we'll be friends forever. Maybe even more than that. Maybe we'll meet once at a café and you'll be the hot sexy stranger and I'll be the poor and distressed waitress, and we'll flirt, and that's all that there is to it. Maybe we'll be siblings. It could go a thousand other ways with us, but I really wish that it will be better than what happened to us."

"Lily, I-"

"I really have to go, Severus." She said and closed her eyes, smiling blissfully.

"I love you. Always." He breathed and closed his eyes too.

"Always." Her voice came right behind his left ear, barely above a whisper and alongside some blowing wind, and enough get shivers through all over his spine.

Suddenly he opened his eyes and she was gone.

Suddenly, he realized that he had the option of not living in the world without her anymore.

Suddenly, he realized he was ready.

He put his left hand over his heart, - ironically the one which bore the dark mark – and whispered the words that he saw Dumbledore engraving in something golden last year.

I open at the close.

And then he felt nothing else.

Yes, dying was a quite pleasant experience, indeed.