Evil Hoosiers
Lex Luthor was sitting in his office in Metropolis, as his assistant, Miss Teschmacher, came in.
"Well, Miss Teschmacher, what's on the agenda today?" he asked, as he sipped a glass of wine, "Fine dining? Attractive women? Destroying Superman once and for all?"
"Well Sir," she said, "I'm told you have been selected to coach high school basketball in a small town in Indiana known as Hickory."
"Hickory?" Luthor asked in disbelief, "sounds like a hick town. I wish it was Smallville, Kansas. I might learn something more about Superman. Why basketball?"
"I don't know, Sir." Miss Teschmacher said, "I just heard that the board of directors thought you might be interested."
"Alright," Luthor said, "I'll check it out. After all, a criminal genius like myself should have a few hobbies. What better way to pass the time than to coach high school basketball?"
"Well, I can think of a few ways…" Miss Teschmacher said seductively.
"That was a rhetorical question, Miss Teschmacher." Luthor said. "Before I go, I have to visit a friend."
Howard Payne was sitting in a cell in a maximum security prison in Los Angeles.
"You've got a visitor, Payne." a guard said.
Luthor sat down in front of Payne.
"Good evening, Mr. Payne," Luthor said.
"Who are you?" Payne barked.
"Surely you must recognize me," Lex said, "I'm one of the most wealthy, intelligent, and, if I do say so myself, handsomest men in the world. Billionaire industrialist, Lex Luthor."
"What do you want with me?" Payne asked.
"I've heard of your work, Mr. Payne." Luthor said, as he saw Payne's missing finger from a botched explosion, "and I see that you've got a little reminder of the pain you suffered, no pun intended. I heard about your failed bus-bomb plot, and the elevator bomb plot as well. I can get you the money you are owed. I want to give you a one-way ticket to Metropolis, provided you do something for me."
"What do you want, baldy?" Payne asked.
"Just distract my arch-nemesis, Superman, while I'm out of town." Luthor said, "I've been offered to a coach a high school basketball team in Indiana. Plant as many bombs as you want for Superman to defuse. Might I suggest you start at the Daily Planet, and strap a bomb to the lovely reporter, Lois Lane?"
"What do I get out of it?" Payne asked.
"If you do this for me, I'll clear your records with the Atlanta Police Department. As well as any trouble you had in L.A. or Sun Valley." Lex said. "Cause pain, Mr. Payne."
"You've got yourself a deal," Payne said, as he shook Luthor's hand.
Luthor and Teschmacher flew to Indiana.
"I think I'll put my toupee on, Miss Teschmacher," Lex said, as he sat in his private jet, "after all, I wouldn't anyone to recognize me, and what a handsome devil I really am."
"Yes, Sir." Teschmacher said, "We'll be in Hickory in 3 hours."
"Very good, Miss Teschmacher," Lex said, "now please leave me in peace while I plot Superman's ultimate demise."
Later at the school…
"Mr. Luthor," the principal said, "a pleasure to see you, sir. I'm glad, and quite frankly surprised, that you've taken an interest in coaching the high school basketball team in our honkey-dock spec of a town."
"Well, sir," Luthor said, "I'm a country boy at heart. By the way, I'd prefer you'd call me Norman Dale; I want to keep a low profile."
"Of course, Mr. Dale," the principal said, "well if you walk this way, I'll show you to your new office."
They went down the long hallway to the office. Along the way, Luthor noticed the rusting lockers and the dust-covered awards.
"You ever play any teams from Smallville, Kansas?" Luthor asked.
"Well, so far we haven't gone to nationals…yet." the principal said, "but that all can change…with you."
"Believe me, Sir, I'll whip these boys into shape," Luthor said, as they approached the office, "Now please, leave me alone with my secretary, Miss Teschmacher."
"Very well, Mr. Dale." the principal said.
"Please," Lex said with a smirk, "call me Norm."
Miss Teschmacher jumped in his lap.
"Oh, I can't believe we did it, Lexy!" she squealed, as she embraced him.
"I did it, Miss Teschmacher," Lex said, "with my criminal genius. Now, did you get my supplies?"
"She would've," she said, in a cold tone of voice, as she stood up. A puff of purple smoke engulfed her, and in her place stood an older woman in a long blue gown. She looked like she was from another time. "if she were here."
"Who are you?" Luthor asked.
"My name is Cora," she said, "I'm here to offer my help. I've been to many places, most recently, a little town called Storybrooke, in the state of Maine."
"Never heard of it," Lex said.
"Just as you undoubtedly never heard of Hickory, Indiana, either." Cora said, "if you cooperate with me, I will see to it that your 'Superman' will fall."
"That's an offer I can't refuse, my dear," Lex said, "By the way, what happened to the real Miss Teschmacher?"
"She's enjoying a comfortable stay back in Metropolis." Cora said, "she's perfectly fine."
"Well, how does coaching a high school basketball team fall into play?" Lex asked.
"Merely a distraction towards the main goal," Cora said, "just as Mr. Payne is in Metropolis distracting Superman, so shall you distract the people in this town with basketball while I try to reunite with my daughter, Regina."
"How do you expect me to help you?" Luthor asked.
"Oh, you are helping me," Cora said, "by coaching basketball."
"What?" Luthor bellowed, "I'm just a simple cog in the machine? Lex Luthor is no one's pawn!"
"Well, you might be able to help me," Cora said, "I'd like you to meet my daughter, Regina."
Meanwhile, in Metropolis, at the Daily Planet, Clark Kent and Lois Lane are in editor-in-chief, Perry White's office with photographer, Jimmy Olsen.
"Kent!" Perry barked, "I want that story! You and Lois were attacked by the Parasite last week! Superman fought Metallo near the death before that! C'mon people, our readers need to know the facts! The mayor's seeing some foreign dignitary later this afternoon! C'mon Kent, Lane, move it! Olsen, I want some pictures!"
Suddenly, Howard Payne burst in.
"Alright everybody, freeze!" Payne shouted, "nobody move! Unless I get my ransom money, this whole building along with half the city gets blown sky high!"
"I'd say this counts as a developing story, chief!" Lois said.
Clark slips away and changes into Superman in a broom closet.
"This looks like a job…for Superman!" he stated boldly.
"Alright," Perry shouted, as he came out of his office, "I'm editor of this newspaper! Who are you, buddy, and what do you want?"
"You heard me, Pops!" he yelled, "I want my money! As for who I am, well…"
A small charge blows up the printing press.
"That's just a small sample of who I am," Payne said, "and if I don't get my money, the fireworks are gonna be a whole lot worse!"
"Alright, mac," Perry said, "calm down. I'm sure we can come to some agreement. If we all just…sit down and talk this through sensibly…"
"No!" Payne shouted, "The time for sensibility is over! No more Mr. Nice-guy!"
"I wouldn't do that if I were you!" an authoritative voice said, from behind him.
"It's Superman!" Lois shouted.
"I thought I run into you sooner or later, you over-grown boy scout," Payne said, "so now's just the time for a little insurance."
He tied a bomb to Lois Lane.
"Lois!" Superman called.
"That's right," Payne said, "it's either me, or save your girlfriend here before my little memento goes off in un momento. The lady or the bomber, Superman?"
Superman sped toward his lady love.
"Don't worry, Lois," Superman said, "I'll have you free in a jiffy."
"Superman," Lois said, "you shouldn't bother with me; you're letting that maniac get away!"
"We'll worry about him later," Superman said, "right now, first priority is to defuse this bomb!"
He used his x-ray vision to see which wires he had to disconnect, and he disconnected them, short-circuiting the time bomb before it exploded.
"Thank goodness," Lois said, "now stop that madman!"
The Man of Steel flew away.
Howard Payne got on a Metro bus.
"Alright drive!" he commanded the driver, "I've just put a motion sensitive bomb on the bottom of this bus! If anyone makes any sudden moves, including bolting for the exits, the bomb goes off and you all get blown to kingdom come!"
Meanwhile, in Storybrooke…
"So you remember the terms of our bargain?" Cora asked.
"Yes," Luthor said, "If I speak with your daughter, Regina, you help me defeat Superman."
"Excellent," Cora said, "I'll be waiting."
Luthor goes into her underground lair.
"How extraordinary," Luthor said, "reminds me of my secret lair where I store kryptonite."
"Who are you?" Regina asked, as she flung him to the wall with magical energy. "How'd you get in here?"
"Why, Regina, my dear, I'm here to offer my services. I'm billionaire Lex Luthor, from Metropolis. I know you used to be mayor of this town. With my leeway in the business world, I have ties to some pretty powerful people. I can set you up with some pretty high-rollers. You have no more power in this insignificant blip on the radar known as Storybrooke; I'd be happy to take it off your hands, for a small price, course."
"I have no interest in financial gain," Regina said, "I want to change and be a better person for my son, Henry! So whoever you are, you can just take your body with your fancy suit out of here, and leave me alone!"
"As you wish, your majesty." Luthor said.
Luthor started to walk away.
"Wait, how do you know of my royal status?" Regina asked.
"Oh, would you look at the time!" Lex said, "Gotta fly!"
He pressed a button, and he escaped with a jet pack.
"Well, I tried," Lex said, "so it's all on you now."
"That's ok, Lex," Cora said, "you'll still get your revenge on Superman. Besides, I have to do a little investigative research on how my daughter spent the last 28 years in this new land."
They poofed away in a cloud of purple smoke.
Meanwhile, Howard Payne was driving the bus away from Metropolis.
"Where are you taking us?" asked a frightened passenger.
"To a quaint little town in Indiana known as Hickory," Payne said, "we should be there in a matter of hours, at which time this bus will be blown to bits!"
"You're mad!" shouted another passenger.
"Everyone always questions my genius!" Payne yells.
"I think this is the part where he recounts his tortured past to us," whispered another passenger to the person sitting next to him.
"I warn you, do not mock me, or you'll be sorry!" Payne yelled, "I used to be a brilliant member of the bomb squad of the Atlanta Police Department! But after it cost me I finger, I decided they owed me big time! So I decided to plan my revenge!"
Lois and Jimmy were in the car behind them.
"Let's follow that bus, Jimmy!" Lois said. "I wonder where it's going."
"And I wonder what happened to Clark." Jimmy said.
"Probably off at the Metropolis farmer's market, reminiscing about his old farm days." Lois said, "So it's up to us to get the scoop! He snoozes, he loses."
Meanwhile, at Hickory High School…
Lex Luthor walked into the gym.
"Hello boys," he said, "I'm gonna teach you to play a little basketball."
"What do you have to offer us?" one boy asked.
"Well, I'm a genius in many areas, and I have calculated the exact trajectory the ball should make in order for you to win every game every time." Luthor said.
"Well, let's see what you got!" another player said.
As they played, Luthor went behind the stands to meet Cora.
"What are you doing, Lex?" Cora asked.
"Teaching these boys to play basketball." Luthor said, "What does it look like? Besides, I laced the inside of the ball with kryptonite, Superman's weakness. These boys don't know it, but they're pawns in my plan of Superman's demise."
"I also hear he's vulnerable to magic," Cora said, "get me close to him, then I'll rip his heart out, and to put the icing on the cake, I'll replace his heart with kryptonite."
Luthor went back to coach the boys.
Meanwhile, Payne was still driving the bus, while Superman flew overhead, with Lois & Jimmy tagging along behind the bus.
"When this bus stops, where all gonna get blown up!" Payne yelled.
"Payne, what are you doing?" Luthor yelled over comm. link, "this wasn't part of the plan! I wanted you to lure Superman away from me, but instead you've done the exact opposite by bringing him here!"
"Don't worry, Luthor," Payne replied, "you'll get what you want."
"Did you bomb my competitors in Metropolis?" Luthor asked.
"Yes Sir," Payne said.
"Good man," Luthor said, "now if you'll excuse me, I gotta teach these boys to shoot hoops!"
Suddenly, the bus was lifted into the air.
"Oh no!" a passenger shouted, "we're all gonna die!"
The roof was ripped off and Superman looked down on the frightened passengers.
"Don't worry, everyone," Superman said, "I'm going to get you out of here!"
He gently deposited all the passengers onto a nearby field.
He grabbed Payne.
"Not you!" Superman said, "you're coming with me!"
"Couldn't we talk about this?" Payne asked, "We can discuss this like gentlemen. Why don't you take me over to that high school over there, and we can shoot a few hoops, one on one, what do ya say?"
"So you can put more innocent lives in jeopardy?" Superman asked. "I don't think so."
Suddenly, in the field, host Alex Gilbert had 3 of the passengers in front of panels.
"This infant from the stars came to protect mankind from evil villains while upholding truth, justice, and the American way," he said. "Yes, Ann?"
"Who is Superman?" Ann asked.
"Correct!" Gilbert shouted.
"I don't make deals with criminals!" Superman told Payne.
"Well, then, you'll have to go in that school and see for yourself!" Payne said.
"What are you blabbering about, madman?" Superman asked.
"I hid a few surprises in the school gymnasium!" Payne said.
Superman flew in the gym with Payne to find Luthor and the basketball team.
"Luthor!" Superman shouted, "I should've known you'd be behind this!"
"Really?" Lex asked sarcastically, "Am I that obvious? Think fast!"
He tossed him the basketball, which Superman caught, and then dropped, falling to his knees in pain.
"Feeling a little off your game, Kryptonian?" Luthor asked mockingly.
"Coach, what are you doing?" a player asked, "why are you hurting Superman?"
Cora tapped him on the shoulder, and promptly ripped his heart out as he turned around.
She squeezed the heart, as the player writhed in pain.
"You want me to do that to you boys?" she asked, as they shook their heads. "I thought so. Now take your seats, and enjoy the show."
Meanwhile, outside, Lois & Jimmy were waiting…
"What do you think, Miss Lane?" Jimmy asked, "Is Superman in trouble?"
"I don't know, Jimmy," she said, "but we'd better find out!"
They ran inside the building.
"Well, boys," Luthor said, "soon Superman will be disposed of and you'll be on your way to the championship. Do me a favor and haul his carcass out of here, would you?"
"No!" one player shouts.
"Money talks," Luthor said, "I can give you a very powerful position!"
"No amount of money or power in the world could get us to help you, you slimeball!" he said.
"Then maybe this will persuade you," Cora said, as she jabbed her arm into his chest, "you foolish child, true power endures. Power is freedom. I think you need to be made an example of."
She ripped his heart out and crushed it.
"No!" Superman groaned weakly.
"Now will you help us?" Cora asked.
The players nodded hesitantly.
"Good," Luthor said, "First, I want you to call the mayor to sign over the deed of this town to me, Lex Luthor! I will control this hick town, and it will be booming with economic prosperity for years to come under my benevolent leadership!"
"Dictatorship, you mean!" Lois yelled.
"Well, if isn't Miss Lane and the Olsen brat!" Luthor said, "Payne, dispose of them!"
Lois kicked Payne, sending him falling into a cart of basketballs.
"Don't mess with me!" Lois said.
"I think he's weak enough," Cora said, as Luthor kicked the basketball away. Cora ripped out his heart.
"No!" Lois shouted.
"Oh child," Cora said, "haven't you heard? Love is weakness!"
She squeezed Superman's heart, causing him to writhe in pain.
"And now for the grand finale!" Luthor said, "Cora, if you would be so kind."
"Of course, Lex," she said, as she took a chunk of kryptonite. She was about to put it into Superman's chest, when a basketball knocked it out of her hand by Lois.
Cora glared at her.
"That was a mistake you'll regret," Cora said, as she squeezed Superman's heart harder.
"No!" Lois shouted, as he screamed in pain.
Cora used her magic to pin the entire basketball team as well as Lois & Jimmy to the wall.
"Now there's no one to save you!" Luthor said.
"Wrong, Lex," Lois said, "we phoned a friend before we got here."
"And who might that be?" Payne asked, as he got up, rubbing his aching head.
"Freeze!" shouts a cop, coming in with a woman, "Officer Jack Traven of the LAPD!"
"Payne?" Annie Porter-Traven asked, "I thought you were dead!"
"Yeah, how am I still alive?" Payne asked, "I never really figured that out!"
"I suppose you'd like to know the story of how you survived your decapitation." Cora said, "well, after your body was taken to the morgue, a witch doctor who wasn't aware of what he was trifling in, stole your body and severed head, and was able to transport you to Wonderland. I used my magic to reattach your head to your body, and of course in Wonderland, the laws of nature don't strictly apply. I sent you back to your realm and you were incarcerated in a federal prison, with no one, including you, aware of your so-called death."
"Woah," Annie said, "that's so crazy, even I can't believe it!"
"Darling, everyone's mad where I come from," Cora said, "now if you'll excuse me…"
She disappeared in a puff of purple smoke.
Lois grabbed Superman's heart, after the magic spell holding everyone against the wall faded.
"Lois…" Superman said weakly, "put in…my heart."
"Ok," Lois said, "I don't know what I'm doing, but I'll try."
She inserted his heart, back into his chest.
The basketball team cheered, as Superman and Lois kissed.
"Alright Payne, you're going to the Hickory nut house!" Jack said.
"I suppose that means you'll arrest me, too?" Luthor asked.
"Uh-uh," Superman said, "the judge of lenient and suggested 50 days of community service."
"Doing what?" Lex asked.
"Coaching basketball," Superman said, as he picked up a ball and twirled it on his finger, "right here in Hickory, Indiana."
The team cheered.
He groaned, "at least it's better than doing the dishes at the Metropolis homeless shelter."
A week later, Clark, Lois, Jimmy, Annie, and Jack sat in the stands at Hickory high school as they watched Luthor lead the team to victory. They want on to the finals and achieved highest honors.
THE END