James finally found the key to the stairwell. That was good because he was ready to get out of this apartment building, mostly because it was gross and full of monsters. Well, the whole town was gross and full of monsters, but at least outside the grossness and monsters were more spread out. Whatever. Point was, Mary was totally not in this building, it was nasty, and he was leaving.
He made his way to the stairwell and unlocked it. He entered really quickly, like a dumbass, and his radio thing exploded with static. WOAH! There was definitely a monster in here. And it was Pyramid Head. James knew this because he could see it in the center of the room, fucking a Lying Figure. Or was he trying to eat it or something? It was pretty ambiguous. Either way, James was getting the hell out of there. Except no he wasn't, because the door was now not opening. Like every other door in this damn town.
Of course Pyramid Head was having none of this "trying to escape" bullshit. Oh no. He was ready to get his stabbing on. Or slicing. Bludgeoning. Whatever. James was so dead, either way.
Sensing his impending demise, James pulled out his handgun and started shooting. None of the bullets really seemed to be affecting Pyramid Head at all, as he is a wall of impenetrable muscle. James glanced down at the stairwell, because this strategy obviously wasn't working out, but it was totally flooded. There was no going down those stairs.
As he saw his life flash before his eyes, James suddenly remembered the time he went to eat dinner at his neighbor's house out of hospitality's sake. He didn't really know his neighbor well, or even what he was saying because he spoke mostly Spanish, but he didn't want to seem rude after being invited. During dinner, the TV was on, and a luchadore match was playing. James remembered how his neighbor informed him that the removal of the mask was shameful. Pyramid Head was wearing a giant mask. Sort of. James knew what he had to do.
He shrieked "VAMINOS!" (pretty much the only word he remembered from high school Spanish) and lunged at the monster. Pyramid Head was sort of taken aback, mostly because James just started yelling Spanish. Then, James gripped the sides of his pyramid...helmet...thing, and pulled. Hard. That thing was coming OFF.
And come off it did. James was probably going to need a tetanus shot for even coming into contact with it, but he got it off. He had unmasked, and thus, shamed his foe. As long as Pyramid Head happened to follow the honor code of lucha wrestlers. If he didn't, then...James didn't really think this through. Either way, he looked over at his newly unmasked enemy and saw something he really didn't expect.
LANCE MOTHERFUCKIN' BASS.
"Holy shit!", James yelled, "You're Lance Bass!"
"Shit!", Lance Bass yelled, dropping his massive knife and scrambling for his helmet.
"You're in that band! That band teenage girls like!", James said, stepping between Lance Bass and his helmet.
"Yeah, yeah, I am", replied Lance Bass, "But hey, can you just let me get my helmet, man? I need that to stay in character, okay?"
"Hey, have you seen Mary around? She looks like this...", James asked, pulling out a picture of his wife and showing it to Lance Bass.
Lance Bass brushed it away. "Mary's dead, okay?", he replied, "Keep looking for her if you want, though. Anyway, I gotta leave."
Lance Bass pushed past James and retrieved his helmet. He put it back on, and picked his great knife back up. The water filling the stairwell inexplicably drained, and he headed towards it.
"Hey wait!", James called after him, "Can I get your autograph?"
Lance Bass...uh...Pyramid Head yelled something indecipherable through the helmet, and continued trudging down the staircase. James stared after him, in shock.