同情 悲哀 -Beloved Lost Wind- 精神 希望
"People cry, not because they're weak. It's because they've been strong for too long."
-Johnny Depp
Quiet winds settled over the battlefield, howling solemnly after the cries of war and bloodshed ceased their deathly tolls. Danger ringing in its wicked carousel fell to unseen ash, and the air of released tension and relief replaced the perpetual adrenaline settled in the blood of the White Dragon.
The air moved slowly, almost petrified. Such is the blot and horror of a blood spilling struggle's aftermath, decaying underneath many a lingering soul.
For a second after his blade had pierced the veil of authority deep into the skin of the enemy leader, Zhang Liao clentched his teeth as he stood over his latest kill, flowing his strained breath outward in a burst of weary anger. Immediately upon feeling this uneasy energy, Zhao Yun knew that this wasn't a victory to be celebrated. Insurmountable losses had been dealt to enemies and allies alike, a conclusion manifested in just one glance to their surroundings. Zhang Liao shook his head disdainfully.
With quiet deliberation Zhao Yun approached the Wei general. Truthfully, he was at a loss for words, but his hope was that his obviously battered companion would be eased by his presence.
The other man straightened his posture, clutching his axes with a grip that shifted his hands to the dulled color of over-arching clouds in a sunless evening. He closed his eyes, reeling in the stench of life severed of its transcending heart. He sighed mournfully.
With skin drained of both strength and bloodlust, Zhang Liao began to take his leave, passing the white dragon with only a passing glance. He then stopped.
"Zhao Yun," he called over his shoulder. Though his voice was gentle, it carried a certain edge. Zhao Yun bit down at this knowing what was coming. It never failed to occur after this kind of battle. Without receiving an answer, Zhang Liao continued. "Before you depart, I want to see you in my quarters. Don't keep me waiting."
A climax of silence encompassed the fading of souls. As the wind parted towards the setting sun, the Shu general stood alone.
Zhao Yun passed through the threshold into the room, the Wei general quickly sealing the entrance. The air inside hit him with an intense hastiness. He drew back with a nervousness that he could never quite kill biting him in the darkest corners of his mind, only to fall into the other man's grasp. His anxious body turned in his arms, immediately being met with a pair of lips upon his own. He closed his eyes, Zhang Liao's body pushing against his. He hooked his arm around the other man's neck as his back hit the wall, knocking the air out of him.
Zhao Yun pushed back his assault, both of them gasping for air. He drew back from the other's rather aggressive advance, but Zhang Liao kept his grasp on him.
"I need this." Zhang Liao insisted in a low voice. There was a desperate, lustful edge in the way he spoke. From his strained, depraved voice to the hunger that almost seemed to materialize in his metallic eyes, every part of him radiated with a primal desire.
The Wei general kissed him with more passion in his lips, biting down on Zhao Yun, eager to dominate his partner. The Shu general didn't resist, for he knew that Zhang Liao needed to work at his own pace.
Zhao Yun bucked his hips forward when he felt the Wei general reach for his thigh, grinding his erection against the somewhat larger man's own. He guided Zhang Liao's hand when he felt him dig into his clothing, helping him to undue the straps of his armor.
Zhao Yun's breast plate and robes were quickly shed, revealing his lean, toned upper body. Before he could react, Zhang Liao's lips were against the exposed, bare skin of his neck. He moaned approvingly as he grasped a handful of Zhang Liao's short, dark brown hair before pulling him up to meet their lips together again. The Wei general growled possessively as his lips went down to Zhao Yun's chin, past his neck, then down his chest, stopping to bite at the nipple. Zhao Yun brought his hand up to cover his mouth as he moaned much too loudly through the stimulation.
The Shu warrior couldn't resist the rapidly more tempting opportunity. He moved his hand to the lower parts of Zhang Liao clothing, eager to stroke his lover's raging libido to its fullest intensity. Digging through the robes and undoing a few laces, he found the warrior's erection and grasped it with impatient fingers. Slowly he started stroking the shaft, eliciting from Zhang Liao a wolfish snarl. The erotic touch of Zhang Liao's lips against his skin intensified. Just the reaction he was hoping for.
Zhang Liao allowed him to shed his armor, and soon Zhao Yun was digging his fingers through the rough, tan skin and numerous scars of his buff figure. His heart raced with anticipation as he listened to his lover's erotic growls growing deeper and louder while his hand worked the older man's thirsting organ.
"Zhao Yun...I can't hold back."
As if waiting for those words to set him free, Zhao Yun discarded all that was remaining of his clothing, leaving him completely bare and at the mercy of Zhang Liao's lust, as well as his own. The larger man pushed him onto the bed, pinning him down with his superior strength.
With the Wei general's erection at his entrance, Zhao Yun gave the signal by wrapping his legs around the other man's thigh, trying to ease the thick organ inside of him. Zhang Liao got the message and proceeded in pushing himself in slowly. Zhao Yun's back arched as a wave of ecstasy washed over his skin, brushing against thin sheets of chest hair as he bucked into his torso.
Zhang Liao repeated the action, thrusting in and out as to elicit pleasured moans from the Shu general in growing, accelerating waves. His head resting in the crook of Zhao Yun's neck, he licked, bit, and kissed the skin furiously, eager to feed his possessive desire to feel him squirm under him and submit to his touch. Zhao Yun clasped onto the sheets with an increasingly intense grip to keep from losing all control.
The Wei general knew Zhao Yun's weakness. He knew he loved succumbing to Zhang Liao's show of pure virility and dominance. He loved the idea of submitting to someone with superior strength, and Zhang Liao was anxious to take advantage of that.
Zhao Yun yelped when he found himself being lifted off the bed before his back hit the wall with disorienting force. The older man continued to thrust into him, pushing him against the wall. He wrapped his limbs tightly around the other man as he relished in every thrust of the powerful general, feeling his lust pulsating into him until his heartbeat galloped in his chest with such force that he could hear it in his ears, feeling it pounding in fiery heat against Zhang Liao's large chest rippling with strength and desire. All the energy that the Wei general possessed was flowing through him so much that it passed out of his lungs with constricted breaths to keep him from collapsing under its sheer magnitude.
"I'm close...oh god...I'm close!"
It only took another piercing thrust deep inside of him for him to see white as he hit his climax, shooting his seed between their chests as he yelled out in rapture. With Zhao Yun's clutches tightening around him and his erotic reactions bringing him close to the edge, it didn't take long for him to reach his breaking point as well, releasing himself into to Zhao Yun as he clutched the younger man with bestial power and vigor.
Their bodies weakened as they expended all effort into absorbing the passion of each other's touch, and for a moment their attachment led them to a state of vulnerability, the flame of their essence rising from their bodies as it seduced them completely in a firestorm of pleasure.
They fell back onto the bed in a heap of expelled lust. Zhang Liao collapsed on top of Zhao Yun and slumped into his chest as they breathed harshly coming down from their state of arousal. They laid together wordlessly as they savored each other's warm, passionate body against their own, so much that neither of them knew just how long either of them laid there. Zhao Yun was the first to move after regaining his breath, prying himself from under the larger man and moving his feet towards the bedside.
"No!" Zhang Liao sprang up in protest, grabbing Zhao Yun by the wrists. "Please, stay..."
"I have to return to lord Liu Bei and the others. They need to know I'm okay after today's battle."
Zhang Liao's face formed into a threatening scowl as his grip on Zhao Yun's wrists tightened. "Stay..." he growled through his teeth in a dangerously low voice.
Zhao Yun was taken aback by the older man's crude request. It wasn't like him to be so outwardly possessive towards him, but behind his harsh scowl, Zhao Yun could sense desperation.
"Okay..." Zhao Yun conceded, suddenly downcast, "I'll stay."
Zhang Liao immediately pulled him back into his arms, leaving Zhao Yun perplexed as to what had brought on his lover's sudden act of unusually excessive attachment. Still, the embrace felt warm like it always did, and a smile tugged at his lips as he allowed himself comfort in his strong and ultimately loving arms.
Zhao Yun lit a candle once dusk had settled over the Earth. He stared blankly at the shining tip, tapping his fingers in the confines of these darkened quarters. He sighed, his mind worn out after reflecting on the the day's events. For him it was somewhat frustrating after everything had concluded to be confined to another force's outpost. He knew his allies back in Shu had to be anxious to see him after such a grueling battle. For them, it wasn't such a big deal waiting until morning to depart. As for himself...well, Zhang Liao had been the one fighting by his side during the battle. So surely he was in the right place for the time being.
He casted another longing glance to the host of his stay here, and the owner of these quarters. He was sitting by the window, his elbow resting on the bench he was sitting at, still naked from their earlier activity. The moon's radiance highlighted his rough, scarred skin and streaked across the hairs on his chest and arms with the glimmer of sunlit, silver rain. The flicker of the candle highlighted his tan skin, running through every muscle's crevice with dancing shadows. Zhao Yun hadn't found many opportunities to simply observe the sight of Zhang Liao's body at a distance, but now that he had the chance to, it was hard not to get lost in the spectacle of his body that possessed savagely divine strength.
However, it was also hard to keep his eyes from being glued to the man's face. As he was gazing through the window behind him into the darkness with metallic eyes alit in the moonlight like delicate iron, his eyes seemed so distant. In a way, his brooding posture was almost a turn on for him, but Zhao Yun couldn't shake the cold feeling in his heart as he watched his throat convulsed with the effort to hold down some unsaid sorrow.
"Wow...um, must have something pretty heavy on your mind," Zhao Yun muttered awkwardly, trying to alleviate the tension that seemed to visibly grip Zhang Liao's neck. As it turned out, Zhao Yun was a hardened warrior, and therefore wasn't experienced in talking to others about their emotions. With Zhang Liao, any physical form of stress relief, such as sparring, training, or in this case, sex, was usually enough to dispel the issue. This had become practically routine after battle, but once Zhao Yun had seen that none of it had worked this time around, he realized the severity of Zhang Liao's emotions, and unfortunately he had no clue how to fix it. He knew their last battle had to have been a particularly grueling one to be able to weigh down on his mind like this.
Zhao Yun skillfully positioned himself next to Zhang Liao on the bench. Though he was unsure of his words, he was confident in his touch as he embraced Zhang Liao with gentle arms and laid his chin on his shoulder, feeling the Wei general stiffen from the sudden contact.
"It'll be alright," Zhao Yun whispered simply, thinking of the most comforting thing to say. "You're doing your best."
Zhang Liao's distant gaze fell with sadness at his lover's words, finding guilt in facing any lingering soul that may be wandering beneath the lonely moonlight.
"No..." he grunted solemnly.
Zhao Yun couldn't find the words to respond as he felt the change in Zhang Liao. He waited for the Wei general to say more to him, but he simply eased himself out of Zhao Yun's arms. The Shu warrior was struck with a certain numbness when Zhang Liao turned to him, his metallic eyes stained red.
"Gong Ren..." Zhang Liao growled with a strained edge in his voice.
"What?" Zhao Yun exclaimed, confused by the name he had never heard before.
Zhang Liao turned back to the window as he released another grieved sigh before he started speaking again. "I knew a man once. He was soldier I met at the training yard. One day, he came up to me after a training session with his platoon. He told me his name...Gong Ren was his name. He said that it was an honor to finally get to meet me. He'd heard stories about me, and...well, I was his role model apparently," Zhang Liao recounted, shaking his head.
Zhao Yun smiled at this. He knew that Zhang Liao wasn't particularly accustomed to positive reception, but it was nice to hear that there were others who saw Zhang Liao the same way he did, in some ways. Still, Zhao Yun was curious where this story was going.
"He said that he wanted to fight along side me. He wanted to do right by me, and earn my respect...and he did. He had an admirable spark of determination about him, his morale was always high, and he fought admirably. I knew that was in part because I gave him something to believe in. I was a hero in his eyes...he told me that. No one had ever called me a hero before." Zhang Liao chuckled bitterly.
"Every battle he fought bravely, but he was putting himself at risk for taking after me, and I worried all the time. I knew that if he followed me on my path, he would get hurt because of his inexperience. I came to him personally one day and asked him if he would risk his life to fight with me on the battlefield. He looked at me with more hope in his eyes than I had ever seen in anyone, and said he would follow me to the ends of the Earth." Zhang Liao whispered, his voice became noticeably quieter and more choked at this point. "I knew he would never leave my side."
Zhang Liao turned back to face Zhao Yun again, the tears burning his eyes beginning to fall. "And then he died...today...on that battlefield."
A part of Zhao Yun's heart snapped, but before he could offer any words of comfort, he felt the older mans calloused fingers curling around his palm.
"I took the path through the field on my way back here. I saw him...among so many bodies sprawled across the battlefield." He took in a pained breath as he reminisced the morbid images. "They seemed to go on endlessly. So many lives that were in my hands...destroyed."
The calloused fingers around his hand began to tighten. He could feel his skin shaking under the Wei general's trembling grip.
"The ones who were still alive tried to reach out to me. They were screaming. I can still here them...and I can still see the blood on their faces..." he clentched is eyes shut as the visions of hell on earth began rushing back to him. "So...much...blood..."
The warrior released Zhao Yun's hand then, instead choosing to grip the seat underneath him as if to keep himself from collapsing under sheer distress. Zhao Yun's face twisted in bewilderment for his comrade's unusual show of emotion, but he didn't say anything, his intent being to simply listen to Zhang Liao's every word.
"Why can't it be enough, Zhao Yun?!" He started to yell under duress. "Why can't my best be enough?! No matter how strong I become, I can't protect my own men! Why can't I be strong enough to stop so many people from dying?!"
"With every battle we fight, it feels like another piece of our home is torn from us! Yet no matter how hard I try, I feel so helpless to stop it!" Zhang Liao held his hands in front of his face, curling his fingers into tightly clenched fists as he was consumed by despair.
"I feel so weak..."
Zhao Yun held his eyes wide with shock. To see Zhang Liao so torn up about this, he knew that he was seeing a side of him that no one else had ever witnessed. The usually stoic general was on the verge of tears right next to him, as he fell into despair over the expended lives he felt responsible for.
Having lived in this cruel and chaotic world for most of his life, Zhao Yun knew how easy it was for one to lose touch with their humanity. He had seen it too many times. Warlords and generals became so consumed with power and ambition that they were willing to sacrifice anything to forward their own goals. Yet, Zhang Liao...he was different. No part of him felt the desire to use his allies to achieve victory. Every battle, he marched on the fronts lines, sparing none of his insurmountable strength for the fight, so that maybe his comrades could live to see another day.
Thinking about it now, Zhao Yun felt that he finally understood Zhang Liao, both as a person and as a warrior. He didn't fight for honor or to forward his own glory like so many other men. He didn't fight to achieve praises from a room full of councilors and politicians whom had probably never set foot on the battlefield to witness the horrors of war first hand. He most certainly didn't fight as a means to take advantage of the land's discord in order to forward his own greed and ambition. Anyone of the men like them would have mocked Zhang Liao if they saw him grieving for men who were lesser than him, but Zhao Yun understood.
Zhang Liao fought for the men who stood beside him. It was the connections he made with them, and the desire to see them live out full lives, that gave him the empathy and the strength to put his own life on the line for them.
He cared.
Zhang Liao not only fought with an assured set of skills, weapons, and armor. He fought with his heart, and that was the most powerful weapon of all.
It was then that Zhao Yun realized that he had never loved anyone as much as he did Zhang Liao in that moment, and how fortunate he was to be loved by him. What he discovered today was a vindicating assurance that he had found someone truly special.
With a smile of endearment tugging on his lips, Zhao Yun softly ran his hands through the older man's short hair. He had to force himself from letting out a chuckle when Zhang Liao perked up slightly from the contact, almost akin to a downtrodden puppy being comforted by its master.
"People cry, not because they're weak. It's because they've been strong for too long." Zhao Yun whispered, bringing his hand down to caress his cheek so to bring Zhang Liao's tearful, metallic eyes to meet his clear, sky blue ones.
"I never knew just how much strength you possessed until now. It actually tears you apart to see your comrades die on the battlefield, But no matter how much it pains you, you've never once ran away or stumbled even the slightest bit on your path. With every battle, you march onto the front lines and risk your life for them, every instance with your resolve strengthened a hundred fold. That, to me, is the most amazing thing I have ever seen."
Zhao Yun allowed his hand to fall down his broad shoulder and down his strong, scarred arm, before leaning into him and pulling him into an embrace.
"Your not weak, Zhang Liao. It's okay to mourn for them, because that's how you can be sure that your humanity does not leave you as you live through your darkest moments. So remember your comrades, and remember the pain and the suffering and the bloodshed, and remember why you're fighting for them."
Zhao Yun's felt boiling waves of empathy washed over him as the man in his arms trembled with the effort to suppress his sadness.
"Don't hold it in. Just let yourself feel for a moment, so that they know just how much their sacrifice means to you. For as long as there is one man that knows where his heart lies, their deaths will never be in vain."
The general in his arms choked out a strained sob, his resolve breaking in the presence of the one he was most intimate with. Every muscle underneath Zhao Yun's touch trembled as he felt waves of sorrow and grief rolling off the shoulders of a man who carried the weight of the world on them, and in response Zhao Yun held him tighter and closer to him allowing the breaking tears to fall on his skin. Suppressed sobs alternated sporadically between ragged breaths until the images of the bloodshed, the pain brought on by lives of all of his comrades who had fallen over the years, and Zhao Yun's acceptance to simply let him feel, destroyed what little there was left of his resolve. With a collapsing, desperate breath, a piercing wail of pure sorrow tore mercilessly through Zhang Liao's voice, the almost foreign vindicating feeling of releasing long held back tears convulsing through him until his throat felt dry from the effort to release his despair.
The emotion radiated so strongly from the Wei general until Zhao Yun felt himself succumb to shedding tears as well. To be able to truly see the depths of the love that Zhang Liao held, and to be able to connect with a heart that was so strong and enduring, yet so full of warmth, empathy and humanity, made him happier than he had ever felt before.
The Wei general pulled out of the embrace as he came back down to controlled breaths, maintaining his connection with the Shu warrior by gently caressing the back of his neck with his calloused hand. Zhang Liao slowly pulled their faces together, closing his eyes as their brows touched each other's. They stayed this way for a long time, not saying a word and instead choosing to relish in this deepened, unspoken connection.
With a warmth that seemed to pierce through the cold night alit under the icy moon, a gentle breeze - a departed, soaring spirit that wandered a broken land until stumbling upon a flower to grace with a seed nourished in radiant passion - drifted through the window.
"I love you..." Zhao Yun suddenly felt compelled to whisper, not a shred of doubt in his words, "...so much."
Zhang Liao visibly winced, feeling his heart throb underneath cold shards of dread, "You know it pains me to hear you say that," he admitted. "Everyday I find myself praying I will always be able to hear you say those words."
"You have no reason to be worried about me, Wenyuan." Zhao Yun chuckled. Zhang Liao looked away with a expression. "I'll always come back from the battlefield alive. You know that." he added.
"How can you ever be sure that you will."
Zhao Yun hesitated with his response. No warrior could walk onto the battlefield completely certain that they would live to see another day. Still the answer he did give, he stated with his utmost confidence.
"A warrior walks onto the battlefield with the intent on dying only when he feels he has no other options. He has already left his life in the hands of fate. You're different from that Zhang Liao. You fight so that other people can live, and you accomplish this by staying in control of your own destiny. I have to do the same thing, and the only way I know how is to promise that I'll stay alive."
Zhang Liao couldn't stop the smile that tugged at his lips ever so slightly as the Shu warrior spoke. Though at first his words reminded him bitterly of Gong Ren's own, he then felt that perhaps he had underestimated Zhao Yun. When the Shu warrior had soared across the field of Changban in order to save the life of his lord's son, it was out of the determination granted to him by the same desire to protect his comrades that he possessed. Surely, Zhang Liao had fallen in love with him for some reason.
Reaching up deliberately, he gently tucked smooth strands of Zhao Yun's flowing deep brown hair to gaze into his sky colored orbs with no obstruction.
"I have faith that you'll keep that promise." Zhang Liao decided with the slightest smile. The Wei general's show of trust was as firm as it was faint, but Zhao Yun caught the gesture in his stoic demeanor, and it filled him with joy.
Zhang Liao rested back in his seat, succumbing to an ease that he had not felt in such a long time. A sense of satisfaction washed over Zhao Yun as he observed Zhang Liao, who seemed much more relaxed than just moments prior. He sat quietly with the older man for a while, gently laying his head across his large chest and sighing contently at the warm contact. Even underneath his rough, scarred skin and muscles, he could feel the thumping bass of his beating heart. It was strong and steady, every bit reflective of Zhang Liao as a man. The sound of a passionate heart beating life into this gentle titan of man lulled him into a sense of contentment and gratitude for being so fortunate to be with him.
"Zhao Yun?" he heard the older warrior speak, hearing his deep baritone rumbling in his chest.
"mm-hmm?" Zhao Yun responded lazily.
"You said earlier that I should let the soldiers who have departed from this world know how much their deaths mean to me, as if they linger here like spirits to listen to what we're saying. Do you really believe that?"
Zhao Yun sat up, propping his shoulder up on the seat. "I know they do."
"How can you know something like that?"
"Because that's what they told me." The younger warrior said as if was the most obvious answer in the world, looking away with a knowing grin.
Zhang Liao scowled, unconvinced. "You mean they've...spoken to you?"
"Well, not exactly..." Zhao Yun explained. "But if you pay attention, you know when they are lingering by certain signs they leave, and you can learn to respond to them."
"And they're here now?"
"Of course..." Zhao Yun reached forward, placing his hand on Zhang Liao's chest above his heart. "They're right here."
Zhang Liao didn't respond, uncertainty settling over him again.
"They've entrusted you with their will," the Shu general clarified. "They've gave you their loyalty, and now they've given you their strength so that they can continue to fight by your side. Can you feel it?"
The Wei general folded his muscled hand over the Shu warrior's resting on his heart, allowing himself to feel his own heartbeat. He closed his eyes, whiffing in the cool air as the passion of his departed comrades pulsated through his vessels. His eyes opened with realization that he had been gifted with the strength to carry the will of his comrades. Was that what Zhao Yun was referring to?
"I think so..."
Zhao Yun tightened his hand above his beating muscle, meeting the other man's metallic gaze and searching them for all the strength that he knew they held.
"Then embrace it."
The Wei general nodded confidently. "I will..." he answered with a determined gaze, tightening his strengthened grip around Zhao Yun's until the younger man's pulse was felt in his grasp, "...only if you embrace it with me."
Zhao Yun responded back with an affectionate chuckle, knowing that no matter if he was to die on the battlefield or live to finally see the land united, the bond that he shared with Zhang Liao was far stronger than any boundary between life and death.
"I already do..." He whispered, settling their hands in each other's within the moonlit air between of them, their vision now graced with clarity conjured by the will of a thousand warriors.
On the journey that our spirits embark across the land, it is our bonds that determine who we are. These connections are typically formed in the realm of the living across one time, but once they are made, they can transcend even the boundaries between life and death, the physical and spiritual, and the past and future. The breathing human that walks upon the earth remembers the fallen comrade sailing on a ghostly wind as the spirit watches him from afar, protecting the living as he finishes his journey so that they can continue to walk together in another life. With heavenly guidance, the seeds of their passion, friendship and sacrifice are marked on each other for an eternity before sailing away together on a cosmic tide.
Passions depart under the pain of scars and loss, and return with the memories of warmth, love, and light. As they hold onto each other in mourning for those who have suffered, the weakened, unfortunate, and deprived find new purpose in the ones that have bonded with them and held them close to their hearts. It is through these bonds that we find the strength to fulfill the dreams of our fallen brothers.
同情 悲哀 -Beloved Lost Wind- 精神 希望