You know how it feels waking up from a nightmare? The feeling of either being humiliated by walking into class in your underwear or the feeling of watching someone you love die. What if I told you about my nightmare come true? Meeting Buffy and learning that vampires were real isn't anything compared to this.

I watched my best friend suffer. Buffy Summers. Well something horrible happened to her. She fell in love. I'm not saying that to be the jealous guy either. Buffy fell in love with this guy during college. They had both recently had a bad breakup. He was the kinda guy that couldn't help but love her. She loved him so much and he loved her so much.

He would hold her when she would cry. He would make love to her all the time. He was the reason in which she lived. She lived for him. She lived to see his loving face in the mornings after they had spent the night in a passionate embrace. She lived so that they could make love again and again. They basically survived for each other.

They were together for six years. They lasted all through college and for the next two years as well. The night of her 25th birthday he broke it off with her. She felt so much pain. They had both said "I need to tell you something." He had told her to go first. She had been happy and cheery when she spoke. She had told him that she was pregnant; while he hadn't heard he told her good-bye and had walked out.

Her eyes had swelled with tears. Her everything had just walked away from her and it hurt. She felt the want to die. She cried for hours and hours. When she finally regained composer she went to see her best friend. Not me the best friend but Willow. She walked to Willow's apartment keeping the tears down as she walked. When finally arriving upon her friend's place she walked in. They were best friends and Willow would understand. When she peaked in she found her nightmare. The worst nightmare for anyone. She found the man who had just broken her heart screwing her best friend.

That right there is how our triangle of friendship was ruined. I remember finding Buffy hours later at home in her bathroom. She was cuddled into a corner with a knife in her hand. She was about to cut her wrists. She struggled against the urge. She might have the courage to take her own life, but this woman would never take the life of another. She couldn't bring herself to kill the unborn child that was growing within her. She couldn't.

I grabbed the knife and placed it on the sink and then I reached for her. I lifted this fragile woman into my arms and lay her down in her bed. I held her so tight waiting for her to calm. She does. She talks to me.

"I couldn't do it," she whispered.

I only hold her.

If you wonder how I know this it's because I'm him. I'm the man that double teamed my girlfriend and slept with her and my own best friend. If you asked me why I did it I wouldn't be able to tell you. I remember in high school hearing a girl talk to her friend about men. She had said that they always had a tendency to think with their penis. That seemed correct.

As I hold her I think. You know how you sometimes think of what would have happened? I think that now, only not about what would happen for the better, but what could have happened for the worst. He thought of how he could have found Buffy dead. How would he have felt if he had found Buffy's dead body lying there? It hurt to think about.

I love her. How could I hurt her and Willow in such ways. Willow had always had a crush on me. I remember when this had all started. The night when I first slept with Willow. She had been upset, crying. She had just had a bad breakup. It was a long story, but he had comforted her in a sexual way. They seemed to forget all about Buffy and how she would feel. It was his horrible wrong doings that ruined everything. He still didn't know why he had done so. Buffy was pregnant with his child and he was gonna have to take care of her.

He thought for hours and hours. He had ruined everything that they had. He had hurt the woman who meant everything to him. She woke as I thought. She whispered my name jolting me from my thoughts.

"Hey," She whispered.

"Hey," I replied.

We just looked at each other as the moments passed by. I couldn't speak. She still hurt and I knew it. It wasn't good that she hurt. Mostly it wasn't good that I was the one who had hurt her.

I asked her how far along she was, and she answered telling me that she was three months pregnant. I couldn't believe it. I had been cheating on her for three months. I was the horrible evil man that I never thought nor wanted to be.

The next thing I knew I was waking up with beads of sweat covering my face. The only thing I thought as I woke up was 'oh god'. I'm still glad to this moment that I found her in time. I looked next to me and saw her. She was sleeping peacefully. My best friend had survived. I have that dream every night. I think it is to help me. Help me understand. I'm glad that I didn't hurt her like that. The man who did this to her is gone. We never speak his name. I always think though what if I had been that horrible man? Riley was his name. I hate the thought of him. He took off with Willow and left her pregnant. I swear that if he ever comes back to Sunnydale, California I will kill him.

Buffy stirs. She touches my arm. She loves me. I'm glad that she is here.

"You had that dream again?" She asks.

"I did," I reply in answer.

"You never hurt me Xander and you better remember that," She says. Then she rethinks and continues. "Well only when I ask you too," She said with a smirk.

I love this woman.

"I love you, Buffy," I whisper.

She is so sweet and just kisses me. We've been so close ever since her attempted suicide. When little Alex was born we grew closer. She is so sweet. I love everything about her.

I grab her. She loves it. I lift her arms and start tickling her. We torment each other with tickles. She is so cute when she giggles.