Sometimes, Defoko wants to die.
She feels like killing herself.
She wants to die because she's too much of a robot.
She's too short and too thin and useless and hideous.
She wants to die because there's everything wrong about her, as if her creator had decided to make a horrible UTAU on purpose.
(But she knows deep down that her creator honestly tried their best, and it's her own fault that she's like this)
No matter how much she tries, she'll never sound as good as Kasane Teto, or MEIKO, or Yuzuki Yukari. She'll never be an icon like Hatsune Miku, or even famous like IA. People will never cheer if she ever goes up on stage like they do for Luo Tianyi or Yuezheng Ling. She'll never be recognized for who she really is, just for an anorexic, nerdy, quiet bookworm.
She's not good at anything. She can't run as fast as Momo. She can't write like Ruko whose stories seem to come off the page, or paint masterpieces like Rook. She'll never be able to stitch and sew as well at Ritsu, or get along with animals as well as Miko.
Sometimes she writes about her feelings and turns them into poetry, but she stopped doing that a while ago, because she'll never be as good a poet as Nagone Mako. Sometimes she likes to sing out her feelings, but her voice is hideous and she'll never amount to anything like Miku, so she stops. Once upon a time, she confided in others, but they only sympathized with her and then brushed her agony away, so she stopped doing that as well.
(Sometimes it feels as if she is hurting others with her failure, and she doesn't want that.)
She's clammed up and she doesn't even realise it. And when she does, she tries to let it go, oh how she tries, but how can she when she knows herself that she will never be good enough?
Later on in the evening, she's at the recording studio, listening to a pretty UTAU named Mitsuko. The others had gone to marvel at a UTAU with a beautiful voice named Amaha Sora, so she's the only one left to listen. Mitsuko had chosen Bacterial Contamination as her first song to sing, and Defoko briefly wonders why. Why on Earth would such a perfect UTAU choose Bacterial Contamination?"
"It hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts..." Mitsuko sings. She finishes the song with a loud gasp for air and slides the white headphones off her head. She runs a hand through a mane of shimmering green hair and beams at Defoko. "So..." she says, "how'd I do?"
"...How did you do?"
"Yeah! Listen, I'm sorry that was bad. Just jitters, you know! Please forgive me!"
"...You...considered...that...bad?" she feels her voice choke up.
"Well, yeah. Of course! Man, did you hear those high notes? I sounded like a siren! I promise, I'll do better next time. So please don't fire me! I really want you to give me your honest opinion, so how well did you think I did?"
"If you really want to know how well you did," says Defoko, and she's well aware of the venom that has crept into her voice, "you did fine." she turns on her heel and leaves. Mitsuko stares at her like a kicked puppy as she leaves, her expression saying: "What did I do?!"
Defoko sits on the edge of the riverbank. The ice-cold water swirls below her, fast and furious. She shudders. She had always made sure to never come in contact with water. It did horrible things to her system.
She likes this place. It's always quiet, so she can run through the green valleys and skid down the riverbank and sit at this very spot and watch the water. The water looks almost ethereal at night, glowing faintly by the light of the moon like some sort of mystical artifact.
Once upon a time, Defoko came here to cry. She stopped when she realised that no one would ever answer to her tears.
She feels a strange sort of numbness come over her. The water is below her, cleansing, swirling, taking everything away...
She feels sorrow collect in her heart and it pierces through the numbness and Defoko can't help it. She tries not to, tries to hold it in. But it's no use. Defoko hangs her head and cries, long wails of despair that ring through the silence of the night. She stops crying before long and ends up watching the water even more intently than before. She hears footsteps and yells of, "Defoko?!" behind her, but they are drowned out by the sound of the rushing water.
Defoko doesn't feel herself move forward, but the next moment, she is sinking through the water. White text and electricity flashes before her eyes and she can feel her system shutting down. The headphones attached to her head that gauged her health glowed and sparked before finally sputtering out. She manages to look upward. Her vision is turning blurry with inky splotches of black at the edges, but she can still see the moon, full and glowing, cleansing her, redeeming her.
She can vaguely hear screams. A wave of coldness washes over her and she begins to drift along with the current. It's strangely comforting. The moon glows ever brighter as her nerve centre gives off one last spark before it dies out and her conscious fades away.
Sometimes, Defoko wants to die, but this is the first time that the urge has taken control.