A seinfeld fan fiction script
by
Joel G. Gomes
Cell–phone number: 91 877 25 96
Address: Rua de Angola, 48 1º dto
2835–107 Baixa da Banheira
E–mail(s): joel_gomes2002@yahoo.com
gomes_joel@hotmail.com
April 2002
.............................................................. Int. Comedy club. NightJerry is ON STAGE.
JerryStarting over. That's what you do when you're away for a while - you come back and you start again. You return to your old community and you try to get your old job back. That's what you do. Now, maybe I'm wrong about this but, I don't think that getting your old job back is such a great idea once you realize that it was your old job that got you in jail. And, if your old job was something violent, like a killer, I don't think your community will be too pleased to see you.
Cut to:
Int. Jerry's building. DayJerry is knocking at his door. George is standing right next to him. George has a slight cold.
Jerry
Open up, Newman! I know you're there!
Newman (o. S.)
(with a different voice) Sorry. No one lives here with that name.
Jerry stops knocking.
George
Maybe you should try to go through the window.
JerryYeah. Like a cliffhanger, right?
GeorgeJust trying to help.
JerryThank you. That was a really super idea.
GeorgeOkay. You made your point. (pauses) Wait a second! That's it!
JerryWhat's what?
GeorgeThe super! The supper-intendent. He has to have a spare set of keys. They always do. All you have to do is tell him that you're back and you need the keys to throw Newman out.
JerryYou're right!
Jerry and George walk away through the corridor.
Jerry
Y'know, I think the supper didn't have a spare set of keys to Newman's old apartment.
GeorgeWhy would he want to go there, anyway?
JerryWell, I'm thinking, that's his apartment now.
George(sneezes) So?
JerryNothing. You should do something about that cold. It's becoming almost as annoying as you.
Cut to:
Int. J. Peterman's office. Day
J. Peterman is sitting at his desk. Elaine is standing before him.
Elaine
So, what I'm trying to say here Mr. Peterman is that... er... Well, I had some time to think about my life; a lot of time, actually and (laughs) You see, I'm starting over and all that time when I was away I couldn't stop thinking about all the fun I had here and...
PetermanWhat are you trying to say, Elaine?
Elaine (v. O.)
Right. Here goes.
ElaineI would like to work here again.
PetermanReally?
ElaineYes. Nothing would please me more than that.
Elaine (v. O.)
God! Did I just say that?
PetermanWell, I believe I can please in that way.
ElaineOh, thank you, Mr. Peterman! Thank you! Thank you!
PetermanBut first, I want you to do me a favor.
ElaineOh! Anything, Mr. Peterman. Just name it.
Peterman(thinks) Elaine, do you have any idea how amazingly the traditional dance from the island of Kilinmini acts like an aphrodisiac in me?
Elaine is confused.
PETERMAN
Elaine, I want you to dance for me.
ELAINE (OVER)
You want what?!
ELAINE
Er... Mr. Peterman, I'm not sure if that's...
PETERMAN
Nonsense, Elaine! You're a pretty young woman! How bad can you dance?
Elaine grins.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S BUILDING. DAYJerry and George are walking through the corridor back to Jerry's apartment door.
JERRY
What about your new girlfriend? I figure she must be pretty interesting. I mean, after a year without doing, y'know.
GEORGE
Ah... She's okay.
JERRY
And that means?
GEORGE
She's a "layer".
JERRY
Don't you mean a lawyer?
GEORGE
No.
They stop before Jerry's old apartment door.
JERRY
And?
Jerry searches for something in his pockets.
GEORGE
She's very superficial.
JERRY
Oh! Now I see where the conflict is. You're the one supposed to be superficial.
GEORGE
That's exactly what I think. She has got some nerve stealing my superficiality.
JERRY
Have you told her how you feel?
GEORGE
No. I'm thinking of telling her tonight. I'm taking her out to dinner.
Jerry manages to find his keys and holds the set, admiring it.
JERRY
Y'know, I can't believe how easily he gave us these keys.
GEORGE
Who knows? Maybe he likes you.
JERRY
Or maybe he doesn't like Newman.
GEORGE
Yeah. He seemed to be very excited when you told him that you were gonna throw Newman out.
Jerry puts the key in the locker and opens the door.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY
They enter the apartment.
The place is very much the same, except for a slight detail that destroys the magic of the moment - the sight of Newman sleeping on Jerry's couch, wearing nothing but his underwear. A sight so horrible for mere human eyes to watch.
They're shocked to say the least.
Jerry tries to walk away in disgust but George stops him.
JERRY
George, let me go.
GEORGE
Jerry, no. You already went through that door. You know
exactly what's out there. (puts his hand on Jerry's shoulder) Don't worry. I'm here.
Jerry breathes deeply and walks to the couch. He bends over and says.
JERRY
Hello... Newman.
NEWMAN
(smiling) Hello... Jerry. Jerry? (wakes up) Jerry! Oh my God!
Newman mumbles something as Jerry finds himself more confident.
JERRY
Shut up, fat ass! It's payback time!
GEORGE
(checks his watch) Well, I'd love to stay here and help you but I have to go now.
George starts to walking towards the door.
JERRY
(grabs Newman by the nose) Okay, I'll see you tomorrow, then.
GEORGE
What about that... thing, we talked about?
JERRY
I'll think about it.
GEORGE
Okay. Good luck, Newman.
George exits to the hall.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S BUILDING. DAY
George walks down the corridor.
After a while, comes a terrifying scream from Jerry's apartment.
GEORGE (OVER)
Poor bastard.
CUT TO:
INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE. DAY
Peterman is sitting on his chair, his face pale from fear.
Elaine is trying very hard to comfort him.
PETERMAN
The horror...
ELAINE
I'm so sorry, Mr. Peterman. I had no idea this would happen.
PETERMAN
Oh! The horror...
CUT TO:
INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT
George is having dinner with Wilma. George's cold is more evident now as he speaks with a little "nose-voice".
WILMA
... and then she says "You're lucky to have a boyfriend like that".
George laughs. One of his stupid laughs.
GEORGE (OVER)
What was that laugh? Do you want her to think that you're an
idiot? Quick! Change the subject!
GEORGE
So...! Are you enjoying your meal?
WILMA
Yeah, it's good but, anyway...
Wilma's speech goes to the background.
We focus on a very uncomfortable George.
GEORGE (OVER)
What's this on my tongue? It's slimy... Could it be? Oh no! Damn cold! What am I gonna do now? Okay. Calm down. All I have to do is nod and everything will be just fine. Think positive. I can do this. I can do this. Just don't swallow.
WILMA
... last night. George? George
George wakes up from his little dream.
WILMA
What's wrong?
George SHRUGS.
WILMA
Aren't you hungry?
George shakes his head.
WILMA
Are you tired?
George shakes his head.
WILMA
Well, I know that something is bothering you. What is it?
George doesn't answer. He seems very keen to keep his mouth shut.
WILMA
(moves closer to him) Aren't you enjoying my company?
George nods.
WILMA
Then... how about a kiss?
GEORGE (OVER)
Now?
George turns his head.
WILMA
First time?
George grins and shakes his head. Wilma has an "I'm almost giving up on you" look on her face.
GEORGE (OVER)
Do something you idiot! Do you want her to think that you're gay? Is that what you want? (beat) I got it!
George points to his throat.
WILMA
Oh! You have a cold too, huh?
George NODS.
WILMA
I tell you something, that can be very annoying.
George's P.O.V.:
Wilma grabs her napkin and spits into it. She puts the napkin on the table and proceeds like nothing happened.
George is shocked.
GEORGE (OVER)
Did I just saw that? She spat on her napkin! What's stopping me from doing the same thing? Women are supposed to be much more ethical than men. If she's like this, I can extend my behavioral guidelines. Come on, you idiot! Spit! Spit! Let her know that you're a man! Spit on your napkin! No! Better yet! Spit on the floor! That will knock her out for sure!
George spits on the floor.
WILMA
That's gross! (gets up) I have to get going.
GEORGE
But I thought...
WILMA
I'll call you.
GEORGE
But you don't have my number.
WILMA
I said I'll call you.
Wilma leaves.
George is looking at his food when a waitress puts a rag on the table.
WAITRESS
You made the mess. You clean it up.
George looks to the waitress as she walks away.
When he sees A STRONGER WAITER approaching, George grabs the
rag and bends over.
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. DAY
Jerry, George and Elaine are sitting on their usual table.
ELAINE
So you spat?
GEORGE
Was that wrong?
ELAINE
Of course it was
wrong!
JERRY
You can't just act like a man in front of a woman and expect nothing to happen.
GEORGE
I thought that's the kind of situation you should always act like a man.
ELAINE
But not like this.
GEORGE
She did the same thing!
ELAINE
Women are allowed to enter men's world.
GEORGE
And we're not?
ELAINE
You're already part of it. We simply prefer if you stay at one corner.
JERRY
Since when do you act so manly?
GEORGE
Whose side are you anyway?
JERRY
I thought you said she was superficial.
GEORGE
Only the first couple of layers... So, what's the deal, did you thought about it?
ELAINE
About what?
JERRY
George wants to be my room-mate.
ELAINE
Your room-mate? But you don't have another room!
GEORGE
He can sleep on the couch. That's not the problem. Please, Jerry.
JERRY
Alright... I know I'm gonna regret this but whata heck!
GEORGE
Thanks. It's only temporary. Once I get a job, I'll be out in no time.
JERRY
That might take a while.
Kramer comes in and sits next to Elaine.
JERRY
Hey, K-Man.
ELAINE
Hi.
KRAMER
Hya there.
GEORGE
Hey.
Elaine checks her watch.
ELAINE
Oh! Look at the time! (gets up) I have to go now! (to Kramer)
Get up.
KRAMER
But I've just sit!
ELAINE
Come on!
JERRY
Where are you going?
ELAINE
I'm gonna a see a friend of Mr. Peterman. She's gonna teach me how to dance.
JERRY
That might take a while too.
GEORGE
Why are you doing this?
ELAINE
(sits back) Mr. Peterman asked me if I could dance for him.
JERRY
Don't tell me...?
GEORGE
What happened?
ELAINE
He flipped out. Now he wants me to have a few lessons with a dancing instructor.
GEORGE
Why the hell did he ask you to dance for him? He already saw
you dancing before.
ELAINE
Well, apparently he forgot it.
JERRY
It must've been such a terrible sight that his mind blocked out that memory completely. Something far more worse than sexual abuse.
ELAINE
I appreciate your effort, thank you.
KRAMER
When do you start?
ELAINE
Today, at 6 p.m. I don't know if I can handle this. People say she's very much like Mr. Peterman.
KRAMER
I can give you a few lessons myself, if you're interested.
ELAINE
You know how to dance?
KRAMER
Well... yeah. I mean, what's there to know?
JERRY
In her case, there is a lot to know.
ELAINE
Be quiet! (to Kramer) Okay, you got me into it. I'll call her and tell her that I'm gonna take my dancing lessons with someone else.
GEORGE
Don't you think she might find that a little harsh?
ELAINE
Why would she?
JERRY
She might take that as an offense to her skills.
ELAINE
Yeah, I guess you're right... So, what do I do?
GEORGE
How about taking both classes?
ELAINE
You mean, with Mr. Peterman's friend and Kramer?
GEORGE
That way, you would kill two rabbits with the same axe.
ELAINE
Whatever...
JERRY
(to George) What kind of expression is that?
GEORGE
It's prison talking.
JERRY
Do you know what rabbit tastes like?
GEORGE
Rabbit, I guess.
KRAMER
(to Elaine) Are you in or out?
ELAINE
I'm in.
KRAMER
Good! (stands and grabs Elaine by the wrist) Let's go!
Elaine almost falls over the table.
ELAINE
Wait!
KRAMER
There's no time! You need to get to work!
And off they go.
JERRY
Do you think Kramer can teach Elaine how to dance?
GEORGE
Honestly?
Jerry nods.
GEORGE
No.
CUT TO:
INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT. DAY
Kramer is sitting on the couch. Elaine is standing before him.
He speaks very eloquently, almost like a master of his art. She is focused on his speech.
KRAMER
So you see, Elaine, music isn't just sound, it's more than that. It's image, it's movement. When you dance, you don't just deliver your body to the rhythm, your deliver your body to the emotion it transmits. That's the key: emotion. You must
let your emotions be your guide. Do you understand?
ELAINE NODS.
KRAMER
Good. Let's get started.
Kramer gets up and puts a tape on the stereo. One of his tribal musics comes out.
KRAMER
Now, free your mind and show me what you're capable of.
Elaine delivers herself to the music.
I'll do my best to describe it. Try to imagine her old dance with the little kicks and all, a hundred times worse and you're getting the gist of it.
After what seems to be an eternity, Elaine stops dancing.
Kramer is static, his eyes blinded with fear.
ELAINE
So, how did I go?
KRAMER
(breathes deeply) Better than what I was expecting. You got something there.
ELAINE
You really think so?
KRAMER
Oh yeah! Definetely! I have no words to describe what I've just seen.
ELAINE
Gee! (GIGGLES) Thanks!
KRAMER
There's nothing more I can teach you.
ELAINE
(checks her watch) I better get going. I don't wanna be late to Mr. Peterman's friend's class.
KRAMER
You do that.
Elaine walks to the door.
KRAMER
Can I stay here just for a while? I need some rest.
ELAINE
Okay. Just don't forget to lock the door on your way out.
KRAMER
Don't worry.
Elaine exits the apartment.
Kramer lies on the couch and screams.
CUT TO:
INT. ELAINE'S BUILDING. DAY
Elaine hears a terrifying scream. She stops, looks back and keeps on walking.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET. ELAINE'S BUILDING. DAY
We hear Kramer's scream.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY
Jerry and George are watching TV. Kramer comes in.
JERRY
How bad did it go?
KRAMER
It was a disaster! Jerry, it's no use! Elaine can't dance!
GEORGE
What else is new?
KRAMER
No, I'm saying that dancing should be an activity forbidden to
her. It should be kept away from her knowledge.
JERRY
Was it that bad?
KRAMER
She's worse than before! It's out of my skills to teach her.
GEORGE
It's out of your skills to teach anyone.
Jerry and George get up simultaneously and walk to the kitchen.
Jerry opens the refrigerator. George takes a bottle of water. George proceeds to fill a glass with water and they share it with two straws.
Kramer watches this bizarre behavior.
JERRY AND GEORGE
What is it?
KRAMER
(startles) Nothing.
JERRY AND GEORGE
Don't you wanna have dinner with us?
KRAMER
I can't. I already made plans.
JERRY
Fine. If...
GEORGE
... that's what you want.
KRAMER
Bye now.
Kramer exits.
Jerry and George walk to the couch and sit. Their movements fully synchronized.
CUT TO:
INT. DANCE-STUDIO. DAY
Mr. Peterman's friend, Marcy, is an old lady. She's wearing a dancing outfit.
Elaine enters the studio. She is wearing a dance outfit (I don't know what it's called).
ELAINE
Hi. Mr. Peterman asked me if I could...
MARCY
Ah! I was expecting you.
ELAINE
When do we start?
MARCY
(claps her hands) As soon as you're ready.
ELAINE
How about now?
MARCY
(claps again) As you wish. Now, pay attention. I will not say this again. You came here to learn how to dance so, I have no other option but to keep you here until you're ready to step on stage!
ELAINE
Do you think we'll be done by dinner time?
MARCY
Let's get to work, shall we?
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. DAY
Jerry and George are on their usual table side by side.
Elaine comes in and joins them.
ELAINE
Hi!
JERRY
You're coming...
GEORGE
... from the dancing class?
ELAINE
What's that?
GEORGE
What's...
JERRY
... what?
ELAINE
Never mind... And as answer to your Siamese question - yes, I did.
JERRY AND GEORGE
How was it?
ELAINE
Good. I've been going there for a week, but she had never asked me to dance until today.
JERRY AND GEORGE
Some people don't know when to keep their mouth shut.
ELAINE
I heard that. So, I was hoping for a compliment but, she had laryngitis so she wasn't able to speak that much. But, get this, she managed to tell that I don't need to go there again. How about that? That's the second time in less than two weeks that someone tells me this.
JERRY AND GEORGE
You're becoming an artist.
ELAINE
Stop that! You're freaking me out with that!
JERRY AND GEORGE
With what?
ELAINE
Listen to yourselves! You're-talking-at-the-same-time! It's distressing! And when you're not talking at the same time, you're finishing each other's sentences!
JERRY AND GEORGE
You mean, like this?
ELAINE
Exactly!
JERRY AND GEORGE
My God! You're right! I must be becoming him.
ELAINE
Who's becoming who?
JERRY AND GEORGE
He's becoming me!
ELAINE
I think there's only one way to handle this. You have to put
him out a.s.a.p.
JERRY AND GEORGE
Who?
ELAINE
You. Him.
JERRY AND GEORGE
But what about me?
ELAINE
I don't know.
JERRY AND GEORGE
Stop that! Be quiet, you idiot!
ELAINE
I can't take this anymore!
Elaine gets up and leaves.
JERRY AND GEORGE
Enough of this. Okay... Very funny.
They begin to strangle each other.
JERRY AND GEORGE
Shut up! Shut up!
CUT TO:
INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE. DAY
Elaine is dancing.
Mr. Peterman watches her with a sad look on his face.
Elaine's dancing has improved. It has become a "tribal kicks"
kind of dance with a hint from "The Nutcracker".
Mr. Peterman is crying like a baby when Elaine stops dancing.
PETERMAN
Elaine, that was... very beautiful.
Elaine smiles.
ELAINE
Thank you. I was afraid you might not like it.
PETERMAN
Oh... I loved it. Especially the end.
CUT TO:
INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT
Jerry is making his act.
JERRY
To me, art is one of the best things that men ever came up with. It's even more interesting when you compare different types of art with each other, like a movie and a painting. The main difference between them is that the movie is made by a team, whilst the painting as one man's work. They believe that a team can handle easier with any problems that might come up, in order to make the main message more clear to the general public. Now, imagine what would it be like, if they began to use this kind of simplification process in painting. Paintings
are now a team's work too. It would be easier for those foreigner art lovers, that don't know a thing about art, to learn how to distinguish Picasso from Kandinsky.
"To your left, he have one of our most interesting pictures. Do you see this eye? Shaped like a cube? That's a Picasso. And
this glass of water with legs? It's Dali. Now, watch this bright sun, right here on the top corner. It was made an anonymous impressionist painter. This means that the artists were thirsty."
The end