Rewritten July 17th, 2001.
by Rb
Tobias:
I flew to Rachel's bedroom window. It was closed, naturally; it
must have been around really late by then. Rachel? I
called, rustling a wing against the glass.
After a few moments, Rachel came to the window and opened it,
grumbling about how she was going to get any sleep with birds
flying in at all hours of the night.
Nice to see you, too, I said lightly, although my
insides were a wreck.
Rachel brought out a small chocolate cake with one candle. I blew
it out by flapping my wings. Neither of us sang "happy
birthday." But she said it.
"Happy birthday, Tobias."
I don't know why, but just her speaking my name would have
brought tears to my eyes...if birds could cry.
I sunk my talons deeper into the soft wood of the window sill,
wondering if she wanted me to stay.
"Tobias," Rachel said softly, "What exactly did
you hear at the meeting with you, Mr. DeGroot, and Visser
Three?"
If Rachel had asked any question but this, I could have dealt
with it. Any question at all. But she didn't.
I...I...nothing much. I started straightening my
feathers with my hooked beak, uncomfortable with the question.
"Yeah, right. Come on, what's the deal? You can trust
me."
Oh, nothing important, I said, trying to sound as
offhand as possible. Just the name of my real father.
Rachel studied me skeptically. "And just who is this father
of yours?"
No one important, I said in as sarcastic of a tone that
I could manage. Just Prince Elfangor-Sirnial-Shamtul.
Rachel's jaw dropped. Her voice came out in an awed whisper.
"You mean to tell me that Elfangor is your father? And it
doesn't even mean anything to you?"
Of course it means something to me, I snapped.
"But what?"
But...what am I supposed to do? It's not like I can reunite
with him and go on Oprah. If you didn't remember, he's dead. We
saw him die.
"So? Who cares? You can be proud of the fact that your dad
was a great warrior. That's much more then so many people ever
have."
Yeah. I also know that I'm half-alien. No wonder I got
picked on so often, I added bitterly. I don't belong
here or there. Especially now.
"Tobias...you belong with us," she said simply.
"With me."
There was a long pause. I... I trailed off. Rachel
doesn't exactly approve of self-pity. And that was what I wanted
to do. I wanted to feel sorry for myself. I wanted to feel bad
because I never knew my father -- my real father -- and I wanted
to be human -- but I never could.
"What?" Rachel asked, staring at me with those icy blue
eyes that seemed to penetrate into my soul.
I turned away. I couldn't stand this. I flew out the window, left
with only my conflicting emotions and Rachel's soft voice in my
head.
Rachel:
Tobias was tense that night. I could understand part of it. In
the past few days, he'd found his "cousin", found out
she was only Visser Three's evil creation to trap him, found out
who his father was -- Elfangor? How?! -- and in the
meantime, tried to help find the Hork-Bajir child, Bek, who was
missing. And, besides all that, some other hawk was trying to
move in on his territory.
And he wonders why we all worry about him.
At least, I worry about him.
Always.
I... Tobias started,and then trailed off.
"What?" I asked, being thrust out of my own
reflections. I looked at him.
He wouldn't meet my eyes. He backwinged out of the room and
started flying towards the forest.
Instantly, I changed from the T-shirt I sleep in to my morphing
outfit, a black leotard. I grabbed some pillows and lumped them
under a blanket on my bed, hoping that if my mom came in to check
on me, it would look enough like me. Then I started focusing on
the great horned owl that was a part of me.
"If Tobias doesn't have a good reason for flying out on me
like that, he is -- nyeeerrff," I started to say as my
tongue suddenly shriveled down into a bird's tongue.
Feathers patterns began to form on my skin as I shrunk rapidly.
My feet turned into curved talons as my legs got scaly. My
eyeballs grew and grew until they took up almost my entire skull.
My lips hardened, turned yellow, and changed into a beak. My arms
turned into wings. The feather patterns became darker, more
realistic, and suddenly just popped out of my skin.
Inside of my body, organs changed, mutated, shrank, grew, or just
disappeared. Every solitary cell in my body changed. All due to
Andalite technology that I had no idea how it worked. And I could
use it because Prince Elfangor had given me, Jake, Cassie, Marco,
and Tobias the power.
Prince Elfangor.
Tobias's father.
I became the great-horned owl I had acquired. I flew out the
window towards Tobias's territory in the forest, in search of
him.
Tobias:
I flew towards my territory, hoping Rachel would leave me alone
with my thoughts. God, where to begin?
I felt bad for ragging on Rachel like I had. But Rachel had this
disconcerting habit of just reading me like a book. She could
wreck havoc on my emotions by just saying my name. It almost
frightened me.
I was almost at my territory by then. I continued thinking, not
really caring about the woods -- and predators -- below.
Guess I should've been paying more attention.
BONK!
I felt a pain. Wha? Who?
I looked up, dazed. Looked up at the huge oak tree before me, the
one that I often slept in. I must have been on the rough ground
of my meadow, my territory.
Stupid! I cursed myself. By not paying attention, I'd almost
killed myself.
I tried to fly back up, but I felt a searing pain through my left
wing.
Great. Just great. An injured wing. Made me easy prey for any
predator that comes up. Raccoons are magically attracted to
injured birds like me. Even an owl, if he's down on his luck.
Suddenly, an owl came flying up, and frightened me out of my
wits.
Tobias? The owl asked. It was Rachel. Now I would have
no choice but to talk to her.
Geez, Rachel, don't do that to a bird. You scared me .
What are you doing down there? Rachel demanded.
No, I said sarcastically. I just wanted to make an
experiment. How long it would take you to find me if I were in a
position of potential danger. You know, since you seem to be my
protector and all.
Rachel ignored the jibe as she landed next to me and demorphed
quickly. As the owl melted into the human girl -- who, even in
the middle of the night, in the midst of a dark forest, still
made my heart ache with her beautiful features -- I tried to
think up excuses for my running out on her.
"What happened, Tobias? It wasn't the tree, was it?"
No, it wasn't the tree. It was Little Bunny Foo-foo bopping
me on the wing. Of course it was the tree.
"Really, Tobias." The almost gentle sound of her voice
made me stop my sarcastic mode. "You should demorph, if you
can't fly."
Not demorph, I thought. Morph. To human. I'm not human,
Rachel, sorry, I'm still a hawk, and you're still a human.
Nothing has changed. .
I concentrated on my human form, which no longer felt as natural
as my hawk body. Slowly, I began to change. My talons split and
grew to become human feet. My feathers ran together and
disappeared, leaving human flesh. I grew taller. My eyesight
dimmed along with my hearing powers diminishing. My wings
elongated and hands grew. I realized a dim sort of smell as my
beak changed into a human nose and mouth. I had become human.
Rachel looked at me. "Tobias, why did you fly out on me like
that?"
My blood rushed to my face. Why did she always have to ask those
questions? The ones that were sure to unsettle me. I said the
first thing that came to my mind-a rather lame response;
"I...I...I couldn't handle it. There was too much."
"Too much what?" Rachel asked. She was exasperated. I
could see it in the set of her face, which was closer to my weak
human eyes then they ever were as a hawk. "That's no excuse
for just running out. Talk to me."
"I...I..."I stammered. "I couldn't stay there. Too
much emotion."
Rachel looked into my eyes. "Your father was a great
warrior. You should be proud of that."
"I am!" I replied. "It was you..."
"Me?" Rachel replied, startled, as she stumbled back a
step.
"You, yes, you...always you...God, Rachel, don't you know
how you look to me? How you've always looked, but tonight...Like
a rose among moonlight, you're so beautiful, so pure..." I
stopped, suddenly, hearing the waver in my voice and silently
cursing the tears welling up in my eyes.
"Tobias..." Rachel said slowly. "I...I had no
idea..."
"Don't lie to me," I said sharply, in a tone that
barely seemed like it came from my throat with its choked tone.
"You knew."
Rachel looked away. But not quickly enough. Even with my dim
human eyes, I could still see the tears forming in her normally
icy blue eyes. Oh, god! I'd never meant to make her cry! I
clumsily reached for her hand.
She smiled wanly at me, and squeezed my hand gently. "It's
okay, Tobias," she said. "I'll be okay."
"Too bad I won't," I mumbled. "God, Rachel, you
think I should just perch in my tree, fall asleep, and all the
answers will come to me?" I said in a slightly louder voice
as I pulled away from her gentle grasp. "I just came from
the strangest days of my life. One minute, I'm starving because
some other hawk is trying to take my meadow and hoping that my
new-found cousin Aria is going to get me a home...I could be
human...and the next, oh darn, I don't get a cousin because it
turned out it was just Visser Three's plan to trap me, little old
me, whose claim to fame is I happen to be the son of Prince
Elfangor-Sirnial-Shamtul, the arch-enemy of Visser Three, who I
saw get murdered by Visser Three with my own human eyes...And I
also happen to be one of Visser Three's worst nightmares. God, it
just looks like the universe is against me." I took in a
deep breath. "Sometimes, I wonder if it would be best to
take a knife and end it all now."
I exhaled, feeling drained. I'd kept my emotions bottled up for
so long...Why did Rachel always bring out this in me? Why,
whenever she was around, did I feel like I should burst out like
that?
I stared out into the forest, wishing that she would leave me
alone with my thoughts. I tried to focus my mind away from her.
It didn't work. Why must she plague me like this?
Whywhywhywhwhywhy?
Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of blonde hair. I
turned around. There she was, studying the bark of a tree. Her
blue eyes glistened with unwept tears. I'd never meant for
her to cry...
She was so beautiful, standing there, surrounded by blackness.
Ghostly white moonlight and pale silvery starlight combined to
rest solely on her, like an angel. And...and I couldn't stop
staring at her.
It wasn't her face that drew my eyes to her. It wasn't her lovely
features, not her model-like body. It was...her. Shining like a
beacon from every pore of her skin. The Rachel aura, as I thought
of it. Strong, brave, bold, smart, recklessness...it was there.
And that's what I loved, what I always had loved, about Rachel. I
loved Rachel. Pure Rachel. Just Rachel.
But I couldn't love her. I never would be able to.
See, I'm a hawk. And Rachel is a human.
And those are two separate species.
I see her almost every day. I've fought with her in battles. I've
gotten so that I can almost predict what's on her mind or what
she's going to say. And she could do the same for me. Our minds
are so close they might as well be one.
But when all is said and done, she's still human. And I'm still
hawk. And that is a boundary that must never be crossed.
We could have been standing there for a minute, we could have
been standing there for hours. I don't know.
But I tapped her on the shoulder. "Hello, Rachel."
She looked back at me, surprised. And wiped away her tears with
the back of her hand. "Hello, Tobias."
Say it, say it, SAY IT! my mind screamed. Tell her you
love her. Tell her you've always loved her. Just say something!
"Nice night, huh?" I asked.
She smiled at me, for me alone. Somewhere in the back of my mind,
I filed that smile away. "Yes," she replied. "It's
beautiful."
God, I loved her. God, I wanted to tell her so. God, she was so
beautiful that night, I wanted to tell her how I felt. There was
no way that there could have been a more perfect moment, here, in
the night, where time seemed suspended, in the meadow where I
lived and hunted. It was a moment in time sculpted by the hand of
a goddess, that seemed to be there just for the purpose of me
telling Rachel how much I loved her.
My jaw froze. My throat stopped working. And no matter how much I
wanted to tell her how I felt, I couldn't. In this moment that
should have been pure bliss for me, my childhood ghosts came
back. Of being abandoned, lonely. Of hearing my relatives yell at
me, tell me I was no good, that I was some scrawny mutt no one
loved or cared for. They came back and seized hold over me, as I
saw the scenes that had happened in my former life over and over
again. And I cried inside, knowing that my childhood ghosts would
come back whenever I thought I was happy, seize hold and make my
world a terror again. I would never be loved. I would never love.
Those words had been brainwashed onto my mind when I was very
young.
But I grabbed her hand. I grabbed her hand. It was one of
the hardest things that I'd ever done. I squeezed it gently. And
I smiled at her. I swear I was radiating feelings of my love for
her.
She smiled back.
She loves me. She really loves me. She loves me, Tobias,
the bird-boy, the loner, the nothlit, the hawk, and the little
boy that no one cared about or said a nice word to.
And I'm so full of her love for me and my love for her that I
thought I was going to burst. I wanted to yell so loud the entire
world heard me. Rachel loves me. And she will, forever and ever,
until our deaths. And perhaps even beyond, for love cannot be
bound to one person, or one race, or one species, or one time.
Surprisingly enough, it was me who broke the spell of our
newfound world. "I have to demorph," I told her gently.
"And you have to go home, and sleep."
She flushed slightly for not remembering. "Until tomorrow,
Tobias," Rachel said, smiling the tender smile that is meant
for only me.
I took her delicate, beautifully formed hand in my clumsy human
hand, and brought it to my soft human lips. "Until tomorrow,
Rachel."
She morphed the owl, the same one that had brought her here, to
this meadow. And I demorphed to my normal redtailed hawk shape,
and flew to my normal perch in the tough oak tree, watching her
protectively.
I watched her fly away, towards her home, towards her bed, where
she would fall asleep.
And only when she was out of thought-speech range did I speak my
final words for the night, as I slowly drifted off to a world of
dreams.
I love you, Rachel.