Notes: OMG! The last episode! Holy pumpernickel!
leahelisabeth: I swear you can read minds, but I am indeed trying to get some more sabriel in. Sadly this epi doesn't originally have much to go on, but I added it in anyway. Gotta have some Sammy XD And I am soooo happy you liked the pranks and fluff! :D
ship. me: Hello! Hiya! *teeheehee, you liked it and I'm all happy* And I totally gotta have some more BAMF!Cas. It's just too much fun to write...well, so is fluff. I really like writing fluff now XD
Disclaimer: * maniacal laughter that melts into gross sobbing*
CHAPTER 1
He wasn't sure if he was dreaming.
Most of him felt like it was far too real for it to be anything but reality, but part of him wanted it to be anything but. All around him he was surrounded by white. Everything was so white, even the soft cotton shirt and pants he wore were stark and blinding, but he had never felt so dirty. He heard, no, felt someone coming for him. They would take him back to where they would touch him again, dig into him, remove parts of him…destroy him.
He felt their hands trail down his back and he wanted to flinch away, but suddenly he found himself strapped belly-down firmly, unable to even lift his head an inch away from the cold metal surface. That was when he felt something move under his skin. It felt like there were a million little insects crawling just under his skin, raising it in great waves that would ripple visibly. He wanted to wake up now.
Even when he closed his eyes it was still too bright in that room. He felt the hands return, stroking the raised ridges where the insects continued to push up against the thinning layer of epidermis. Never had he felt so revolted. Everything itched and he pulled at his bound wrists and arms to try and free them. All he wanted was to scratch away at his shoulders until he had removed enough to rip out the invaders and relive the growing pressure. Those foreign things didn't belong in him. They had put them there.
"Take them out! Please!"
"Shh, little brother. It'll be alright. You're so very special…"
The hands continued to stroke gently.
No, he wasn't special. He wasn't anything anymore. Castiel no longer existed. They were turning him into a monster. There was nothing natural left. If he opened his eyes and saw his reflection in the metal table, surely he would only see a demon staring back at him.
"No! Don't touch me! Dean! Dean, help me!"
He saw a hand pick up a knife from a table to his left and then moved out of sight behind him.
"Don't worry, dear Castiel. This will only hurt a moment…"
"No! DEAN!"
"Whoa, whoa, Cas! Wake up! Cas!"
Dean was thrown back as Cas suddenly launched up from the sheets, gasping and crying out as if in pain. Immedietely Dean moved right back up close and cupped the panicked face in his hands, cooing to him in a comforting tone.
"Hey, it's okay. I'm here, I'm here. Everything is fine."
Dean felt the damp clothes on Cas as he held him tight. He was absolutely drenched in sweat and his face was streaked with tears. Dean knew all about waking up like this. He'd had his fair share of nightmares in the past, so he knew to let Cas gather his emotions and thoughts for a moment and slowly center himself again. He knew Cas was back with him when he finally turned his troubled eyes to Dean, gratitude and fear shining in them.
"Jeez, man. That was quite the nightmare, huh? You gonna talk about it?"
The tousled head shook violently. Dean sighed heavily and pulled Cas tighter to his chest, helping chase away the sudden chill of his skin. He wouldn't force Cas to talk about it. Not now anyways, not while it was still so fresh in his troubled mind. He glanced at the clock and noted that they would have been up in an hour anyway. No way either of them was getting back to sleep after this. At least later that day Cas was supposed to have a meditation session with Anna, then maybe after that he'd be ready to open up. Can't have emotions piling up on him, not ever again.
"That's fine. We can wait till later…you going to try and go back to sleep?"
Another shake of his head.
"How about we go up to the control room for a bit then?"
A pause, and then a nod.
"Okay, let's get dressed."
They had only done this a few times in the past, the two of them sitting against the back wall of the room, lights out and looking out over the stars. Normally this was Sam's and Gabriel's place, but they weren't the only ones who found the stars calming. They had been sitting there for about twenty minutes so far, and they hadn't spoken yet. Dean had been taking in the opportunity to observe Cas, looking for any signs of major discomfort.
In the last year, Dean had become an expert on knowing what was wrong with Cas just by a few twitches or looks. He had mastered the same thing with Sam to where he didn't even have to look at Sam's face to know when he was sad, happy, angry, or even hungry. It was just one of those things that Dean felt he had to do with those he cared about. He wanted to know right away when one of them was hurting so that he could try and fix it as soon as possible. Stop the pain right then and there.
Right now he could see that Cas back was bothering him greatly. Looked like they were heading into a bad day. He made a mental note to ask Bobby if they could maybe up the doses today. He could also see the pure exhaustion that was plain on his features. The dark marks had reappeared under his eyes and his skin had once again been reduced to a dull pallor. Dean would have liked to have just written that off as Cas still recovering from being low on mojo. He was still giving daily "glow treatments" to Sam for his leg after the klutz had injured it again when he tripped over some equipment Chuck left out. Then of course Cas had also insisted on healing Bobby's head, Anna's bruised stomach…it took Dean days to finally get Cas to finish healing his own ribs. Now it had been over a week after the fight back at the bordello and he was still running on empty.
He sighed and leaned his head back, his eyes closing wearily for a moment. Then he heard Cas' hesitant voice speak up next to him.
"Dean?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you…do you love my insides? The parts you can't see?"
Dean frowned and opened his eyes to see if Cas was being serious. The slight crease between his eyebrows told the Captain that he was.
"Uh, sure, Cas. Eyeballs to entrails."
This seemed to make Cas relax a bit, but only a bit before the smaller man turned his attention back to the stars.
"Cas—"
"I've been naming the stars. I doubt they know who they are and I thought it would be nice if they could know that," he glanced at Dean and gave him a concerned look, "Problem is I've named them all the same thing. There's terrible confusion."
Dean balked, a little thrown by the odd statement, "Well, uh, why don't you think of some new names?"
Cas shrugged, "There are trillions of stars out there Dean. I wouldn't be able to remember them all, and I…how would they feel if I had forgotten who they were? Nobody would ever remember who they used to be…they would just have to be given a new name, made into something else. How tragic."
Dean was about to say something when Bobby appeared in the door and glanced down at them, "Ah, there you are. Chuck says he needs to talk to you about a new compression coil. He's in the engine room whenever you're ready."
"Uh, thanks Bobby. I'll be right there," Dean said and slowly stood up, stretching his legs out where they had gone tingly. He glanced down at Cas, still looking lost out at the stars. Bobby noticed and nudged the Captain slightly.
"I'm going to take Cas to get his meds. He's looking like he might need a stronger dose today. I'll bring him to the dining area to help with breakfast after," he said casually, but it was as close to a comforting hug as Bobby was willing to do in the presence of others. Dean felt it and regarded him with enough warmth to toast a marshmallow before placing a quick kiss to Cas' cheek and then leaving the room.
He promised himself he would talk to Cas about his nightmare later.
Balthazar used to live the happiest of lives. He lived on one of the richest planets in the 'verse in one of the most beautiful old houses, all along with his two cherished brothers. Ahead of each of them was a wonderful future all laid out nice and pretty. He loved his life and his family and that was all he needed.
But like all wonderful things, they had to crash and burn at some point.
He would have liked to think that by the time that he had lost his elder brother, his father, and then his baby brother, that this was it. This crushing emptiness was the absolute most painful experience that he could ever possible go through, that anymore and surely his heart would implode from life sucking everything out of it. Oh, how wrong he was.
There was one moment in his past that stood out among all others as that one single event that still had him waking at night in a cold sweat, and even still haunted him daily every time he saw Castiel. It was that moment when he held his little brother tight as their escape ship took them away from the Host.
Before he made his daring rescue, he had pictured the same moment again and again in his mind of how his reunion would be once he found Cassy. How could he not? It was what drove him through years of tracking and trading his way to finally having an actual plan to go and save his brother. He had spent their entire fortune in getting that plan together.
But that moment when he had finally peeled the terrified and confused Castiel away from where he had nuzzled against his chest, he saw those much beloved blue eyes and knew right away. Castiel was different. He was…altered.
The night that he thought that he would have spent with his little brother, catching up on all their missed time together turned out to be him listening to the ramblings of a madman. He just sat there on the floor while he watched his once so innocent and serious baby brother drew with chalk on the floor and talked about flowers and bees.
He had spent years fantasizing about finding Cassy, only to find a broken doll that just looked like him. As Cassy finally stopped drawing and instead tried to start counting the stars through the metal ceiling, Balthazar he moved his thoughts to his other brother. Gabriel had been at the Host as some point, but even through his very extensive investigation of the Host during the planning stages, he had not found one word about his elder brother. Was he still at the Host? Hidden deep within the depths were he would never find him? Was he suffering like Castiel, driven out of his mind? Was he dead? Was he even still there at all?
Then he thought about that one document that showed that their father had been the one to sponsor that…monstrosity, that hell. He had probably left when he saw his two sons driven to madness. Why else would he be too afraid to show his face anymore?
Cassy had started to cry off in the corner suddenly, horrible sobs that had him gasping for air and screaming and choking. It went on for hours and hours. It wasn't until Balthazar had gotten the cryo-box and put Castiel to sleep inside of it that it stopped, and only then did Balthazar allow himself to break down into his own shattered cries.
As he sat against the box that now contained his brother, Balthazar couldn't help but think if it might have been easier for everyone if Castiel had been dead.
That was then, though. Now Balthazar had been able to watch as Castiel went from a trembling mess to a, well, a somewhat more stable man. He even got to see Cassy fall in love, an event he had given up on long ago when he was still 16 and told Balthazar he didn't like going to parties because there were too many people. He had even gotten Gabriel back in one piece and was now seeing him happy and content in the arms of someone that he loved. Another something that Balthazar had given up on happening when he found Gabriel in bed with four girls once, years and years ago.
His two brothers were happy, hell, Balthazar was happy. And he owed it all to the Winchesters for giving them a home and their love. Sappy thing that it was. He owed both Sam and Dean so much.
Dean perhaps he owed a bit more. Even with the rockiness that they had faced and also had yet to face, Balthazar had seen a marked improvement that could only have been because of Dean's help. He only hoped that as Cassy's pain and distress were slowly growing more and more apparent, Dean could pull another miracle out his back pocket and get them past that hurdle as he had all the last ones.
He couldn't lose his brothers again, not after all they had been through.
Woot, set-up chapter all said and done, plot comes along in the next chapter! See y'all then!