I Never Told You

Dear Castiel,

I don't really know where to start. I haven't seen you for a few weeks now and as much as I hate to admit it... I miss you. This has been nagging at the back of my head for a while now and well I guess it's just time that I finally get it all out.

The first time I met you Castiel, I was vaguely terrified. For one, you walked through every single trap we set up. Two, you were an Angel. An Angel of the Lord. I once believed in Angels. And then my mother died. I stopped believing in them at that exact moment. If she hadn't died, how would've my life played out? Would I have ever met you? I guess we'll never know.

When you died for the first time. When Lucifer killed you and Bobby and Sam, Adam, Michael and him fell into the cage. I was so scared I was alone. That everyone I had ever loved, ever held dear to me, had left. I was ready to kill myself then and there. Thankfully Chuck decided to bring you back and you brought back Bobby and healed me. I then I left you. After everything we had been through together, I just stood up and left. I was fucking selfish, that's what I was. And now I regret it.

I've never deserved you. Not once in my entire life. I can only hope that you'll come back and maybe one day you will. But in case you come back and I'm not here. I need to tell you somehow. So here it goes.

I love you Castiel. I know it's wrong to love an angel. I know I of all people I deserve you the least. I know I have no right to love you. I know all of this and more, but Cas I can't help myself. I love you. I absolutely love you. And it's wrong and it's horrible and yet to me it just feels so right. You light up the room when you walk in. You have gorgeous blue eyes and your smile is just so perfect. You're perfect. And I don't know what I'd do without you.

I think that's my problem. I can't live without you. You're the reason I'm still here. I'd be nowhere without you. Actually, I'd still be in hell, torturing souls. I am an awful person, who has done awful things. I am ashamed to love you and I don't deserve, nor do I expect, anything in return.

I need to repay you. I don't know how and I don't know when, but I will repay you. Somehow. How do you repay an Angel? Is it even possible? I don't think it is. But just in case it is, let me tell you some things that just might start to make up for it.

When I was four years old, my preschool teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I answered her cheerfully and willingly. My answer was easy; I wanted to be an astronaut. She then of course asked me why. I remember my reason why as clear as day. To see the stars. It was only after a moment's hesitation before I added onto my answer. I wanted to meet Angels. That s right. I wanted to meet an Angel. Then my mother died and I just couldn't. I couldn't believe in Angels anymore. If they had really out there, why hadn't they saved my mother? Or prevented Sam and I from falling so far? Obviously, I can't change this. Why I felt that it was necessary for me to tell you this, I have no idea. But if I can repay you, I guess this is a start.

I can't begin to describe how much I love you. That would just be impossible. But I have to ask. When I'm around you, can you sense how much I love you? Can Angels feel that? Is it possible? We really know nothing about Angels to tell the truth. It kind of hurts. You know nearly everything there is to know about humans. You've watched us from the dawn of time. You saw us fall. You saw us rise. You've seen everything that humans have ever done, from our wars to our cell phones. You watched us build things that enabled us to fly. And yet here you are. Watching two horribly messed up human beings defeat death and monsters and the devil and so, so much more. Why do you do it? Do you not have any better way to spend your life?

I won't drawl out much longer. Mainly because I don't have much more to say. I'm sorry if I'm not supposed to love you and I understand if you don't love me back. I accept it if you hate me for this. I guess it's a good thing after all that you'll never see this letter. While I respect whatever you think of me, I'd hate for you to read this and then laugh in my face at the thought that someone so pure could love someone who was so horrible like me. Please forgive me for treating you the way I did all those years. I want to make it better. I want to be able to look at you and not feel guilty for being the cause of why you fell, rebelled and turned against your brothers and sisters. I know I can never bring back what you had before and for that I am truly sorry.

I really do love you Cas. I have no better way to tell you that. If you ever need anything at all or just need to talk I am always here. Always here for you.

-D Winchester

As Dean signed the letter, he took a deep breath. He had been trying to gather the courage to confess to Cas for a while now. He had finally found some sort of way. And while Cas would never read this, it got it off his chest a little bit.

"I love you Cas," he whispered as he folded the letter.

Dean stood up, tucking the letter in-between a few papers in a drawer on his desk. Leaving, he asked wistfully, with no hope of ever being answered.

"Do you love me too?"

Hello. Long time, no see! Anyway, here is my new story, I Never Told You. While I don't know where to take this, I do believe it had some sort of potential. If you have any ideas for this, please tell me and I will see what I can do with it! Thank you for reading and please review!

Best Regards,

SPN221B