Smile Again
"In the beginning we hated one another and we were filled with bitterness and hatred, neither one of us truly understanding the loathing we felt. Not when we had the overwhelming urge to save each other over and over.
"Then there were whispered conversations when no one was paying attention a compliment hidden by insults and I could laugh with you, understanding that the sarcasm was just the outer shell.
"Then things took on a whole new dynamic. Without you, I'd be dead several time over. Without me you'd be buried in your sins, not knowing which way was up and unable to breathe. But together we could understand and love.
"We laughed a lot, in the early days of our… courtship. Well, I laughed. You gave one of those tiny smiles that are nothing more than a slight twitch of the lips, but they make your face soften and the corners of your eyes crinkle.
"I'll never forget the first time you chuckled. A warmth deeper, even, than your voice that, Merlin knows, does wonderful things to me. I can't remember why, or even exactly when, but I'll never forget that first time. Like the first time at sex, but it had so much more meaning than that.
"That was, I think, when I stopped beaming at you. The endless, faux-smiles that I put on for everyone as a mask of happy innocence, even after the murdering darkness of war, were suddenly not enough for you.
"I can't remember when we first kissed, or when we first made love, or when we first said 'I love you'. They're just tiny little shards that were simply the beginning of our wonderful.
"There was passion, then, an endless talk of current affairs, and our jobs, and our friends. We were never short of words, or teasing insults, and it was a beautiful beginning to our marriage.
"Then our days were filled with the endless, inane chatter of our children as they ran around our feet and tripped us up regularly. They were the most beautiful things in the world and we cherished them and each other like we never had in our childhoods.
"Then, one, two, three, all passed through our door and silence filled our rooms. A deadly, sickening silence that neither of us knew how to break.
"I've heard many a parent look back with fond eyes on those first few years after their children have left. A second honeymoon. Final, well-deserved quality time. For the two of us an inescapable pit of avoidance and bone deep silence.
"Our rooms were cold for the first time then. We didn't know how to just love one another any more. We were… a family. Not a couple.
"That was when the first of the explosive rows started. Loud, furious, hurtful and over in minutes with you slamming the bedroom door or I stalking out.
"After months of nothing but arguments with you our first born stumbled in the floo and saw us. She didn't recognise us. Not the loving parents she adored. The furious, hard-hearted warriors of old who could let no one too close for fear of pain worse than Cruciatus.
"I left then. For a month. A month without contact with any one. Hiding in ice capped mountains and luscious rain forests trying to run away from the fury in your face and the grief and fear in hers.
"And then, as I always did, I came crawling back.
"The wards didn't admit me at first. But I'm not the strongest wizard of my generation for nothing. I broke through and, to this day, I am so glad I took that impulse and didn't run away from you like I had so many times before.
"You were broken; worse than I. Your eyes, when they turned to look up at me, were dull and flat. No spark of emotion, not even anger. You sighed in happiness, glad the end was there for you, not believing I'd come back.
"You forgot that I was a Gryffindor.
"I patched you up and carefully, delicately, placed each shard of your heart back into your chest and tried to smooth them back in place. When you finally believed, when you finally forgave, you returned the favour.
"Our hearts had never been perfect, but the hurt and the healing had done us good, had made us better, more whole, than either of us had been for years.
"The children - God bless such innocence. A misunderstanding, we told them. Old ghosts of a War-That-Must-Never-Be-Mentioned come back to haunt the 'Chosen One' and his love. They nodded with strange, pitying smiles on their faces, full of unadulterated love.
"Life wore on in a comfortable manner. There was still a silence between us. Gaps between our now gentle love-making and falling asleep that would once have been filled with sweet nothings and reassurances of our love. Now we spent them in silence, just watching, hands clasped as we understood. We no longer talked of our day, or of our friends. We knew one another like we knew ourselves by then. We knew the words before they were spoken, we knew the smiles before they were made, the caresses before we moved.
"We looked back and wondered at our insecurity before - the constant need for words, for touches, for reassurances. Now we simply knew without asking, accepted without question.
"From those on the outside looking in it seemed as though we had drifted apart. That we stayed with each other simply because of what a scandal it would be for our children and grandchildren. They couldn't know that the passion, the love, was still there. Just gentled, tamed and designed perfectly with the other's needs.
"The last time I said 'I love you' to you was years ago, now. The last time you said 'I love you' to me was even longer ago. But every unheated, adoring glance said all that needed to be told.
"We knew, with the age gap, that this would happen. I envied you, once. Now… now I'm simply content, as I have been for years. You are gone in body, but the soul of you, the part that I loved the most, is with me forever, locked in a heart that we, together, broke and healed too many times to count. But it is healed now and the best and worst of you is trapped inside. Your tiny smiles, that make your face soften and the corner of your eyes crinkle. Your scathing wit. The way you held our babes and sung them softly asleep. The way you stood by my side and killed so that I might live.
"The way you tried to say it, one last time, a flash of hesitant regret that I had not seen for years lighting your eyes. Did you wish you'd said it more often? I don't know. But I placed a finger on your lips and stopped you. 'I know,' I said. 'Always,' to your unspoken question. Then you smiled again and closed your eyes as I kissed you to sleep.
"They won't ever understand, our children, our grandchildren, now, even, our great-grandchildren. They won't understand that sometimes the passionate longing we had at the beginning of our marriage sometimes gives way to something gentler, more soothing, more appropriate love for tired heroes and that, sometimes, love doesn't need to be told that it is. It is merely accepted.
"But I understand because we shared it, better than anything and worth the pain to get there. So sleep in peace, my darling Severus."
Harry stood slowly from where he was knelt before his husband's grave and tried to ignore the creaking of his joints complaining against the cold. He turned and his daughter stepped forward and wrapped sure arms around him. A white lily fell from Harry's hand to the top of the freshly turned earth and his family led him away.
He was right when he said they would never truly understand. But for the lucid green eyes that shed not a tear, but showed such deep mourning no one could look him in the eye, they gained some insight. After it all they gained an inkling of how the boy-who-lived and his dreaded potions master had loved, how they had lived and fought and how, in the end, the silence was not a barrier, but a bond deeper than they could know.
Harry stood a long time, that day, staring out of the window of the Headmaster's Office of Hogwarts that was now his, staring out across the stark grey landscape of a wintry Scotland. When he turned back, though, his eyes were twinkling again, vibrant with life and the 16 month baby, the first of the Potter-Snape family's great-grandchildren broke out into a huge grin and clapped his chubby hands excitedly. The ninety year old smiled and took the child in his arms. "I know," he whispered as he had in the cemetery. "I know."
AN: Forgive the sudden surge of Snarryness. Sev's getting such a hard time in my WiP I felt he deserved a little loving. Even if, you know, this is kinda bittersweet. Since he's dead and all. I hope this isn't too cliched and that you liked it. Please let me know.
Much love
Cal
xx