Warning: DO NOT READ IF YOU DONT HAVE A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR! All flames from here on out will be mocked and laughed at.
A/N: this is purely a crack fic. There really is no plot or point and Pipers just there cuz she's the most sadistic OC I have. This has nothing to do with any other story she's in.
This is a (very late) Birthday fic for my friend Kai! We both detest the Mary Sue Bella Swan and I wrote this lovely story for her.
For some of you that follow my work you might recognize Piper from my FFVII story. In truth though, she is just a copy of another character from my own book that I have been working on for sometime. Piper is just so much fun writing for I can't help but use her again and again. (Though I'm sure it can't be good for her or me) And she seemed perfect for this particular fic. So she IS very much like the Piper from my other story but she's not the same one. Though if you enjoy that Piper I think you'll like this one even more.
He was the very element of her soul. His face was like super sexy marble (how someone finds a statue sexy is anyone's guess). His figure was that of a god, or something to that extent. She took in a deep breath, tasting his oh-so-perfect scent that smelled like something so manly that Bella did not have the brain capacity to name it. (This seems to happen a lot with her)
They were sitting in their meadow just staring at each other, thinking about how hot the other was. There was no talking about their dreams, which was what they liked to do besides stare at another in their free time. They neither discussed what their favorite movie was, nor did anything that even resembled a working relationship.
Between Bella thinking about how much she wanted to screw Edward, and Edward thinking about how tasty her blood would be, it finally occurred to Bella to say something.
"Oh Eddykins, I love you so much. I don't know what I would do if you ever left me," Bella said dreamily as she cuddled closer to the "living" ice cube.
"Bella, I was nothing before you came along. If I ever lost you, I would kill myself." Edward whispered into her ear in a deep, sexy voice.
"Oh, Eddy, that's ever so romantic!" Bella giggled.
In the background, cheesy love music started to play.
"Oh, screw this!" shouted a voice from the shadows of the forest. There was a loud crack of a gun shot and the cheesy music was cut off.
Edward made a gurgling sound and fell to the ground, white foam pouring from his mouth. Bella screamed like a little sissy as her stalker started to twitch.
"OH, EDDYKINS! NOOOOOOO!" Bella cried, falling to her knees as tears spilled down her pale checks.
"Stop whinin' you moron. He ain't dead. Well, not yet anyway," came the same voice with a chuckle. The voice had a slight Southern twang.
The figure walked from out of the shadows, the figure had a shock of flame red hair cut short and spiked with dark brown eyes. Through her tears, Bella saw that the person was holding some kind of shotgun.
"Y-you hurt my Edward! You can't! He's a vampire! You shouldn't have been able to knock him out like that!" Bella blubbered between sobs.
"First thing's first: he ain't no vampire. He's a fairy. So yeah, I can take him out with an elephant tranquilizer." It was then that Bella finally saw that the person that shot Edward was a girl. "God, you're really annoying, yah know that? 'Edward save me, save me! Since I have a vagina, I can't take care of myself!' You make me ashamed to be the same sex as you," she scolded her.
"S-Shut up! I-I can so take care of myself!" Bella whined. "I can cook and clean and-"
The girl face-palmed herself and shook her head in disgust. "That's not what I mean, you air headed twat! This is why I left my own story. I'm hear to beat the Sue outta you and your dumbass boyfriend!"
"W-what are you going to do?" Bella asked in fear.
The girl smiled maliciously at Bella and took out Twilight packing tape.
It was dark. Bella had no idea where that "un-pretty whacko" girl was talking her and her sexy under super boyfriend. The ugly girl had blindfolded her after she had ducked taped her mouth shut.
Bella thought...Hahaha! Just kidding, she doesn't have any thoughts. Why do you think Edward can't hear anything coming from her head?
Belle was tied up to a chair. She tried to wiggle free and ultimately failed. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the blindfold was removed. She was in a dark, cold room. It was empty except for a long, rickety table and a blanket that was thrown over a large, human shaped figure.
The next thing she saw was the un-pretty witch that kidnapped her and her Eddy. Still wearing the same nasty smirk, she ripped the duck tape off of her "pouty lips."
"OW!" Bella cried out. "Th-that hurt!"
"Well yeah, it was kinda meant to," the girl said in a slow tone, like she was talking to a mentally retarded child.
"W-where am I? Why did you kidnap me? Are you part of the Volturi? Are you trying to kill me 'cause I'm so special?"
"If you don't shut your damn mouth, I'll put the duck tape right back on!" the girl snapped at her as she reached for something in a black duffle bag. To Bella's surprise, she took out what looked like a cheap plastic pencil.
"Let me try this again," the girl said in the same mockingly slow tone. "My name is Piper, I've come from my own story into this," she paused to think of the right world, "horribly written fan fiction because you piss me off to no end! Not only are you a blatant Mary Sue-"
"I'm not Mary Sue! I'm Bella Swan! You have the wrong girl!" Bella cried, trying to free herself from the chair.
Piper snorted in amusement. "Bella Swan, beautiful swan. It's the same thing." She waved her hand dismissively. "Anyway, not only are you a Mary Sue, you're the WORST female character in the history of literature! You're a whiney, mean-spirited bitch, and yet everything in town falls all over yah!"
"N-No they don't! I-I'm just an ordinary girl!" Bella sniffed.
Piper sighed and twirled the pen around with her long slender fingers. Surely with out warning she plunged the pen deep into the Sue's thy. Bella screamed in agonizing pain, and with a dark smirk, Piper ripped the pen out from her leg, letting the blood flow.
"Now you see, this is real pain. Somethin' you've never experienced in your perfect little Sue life," Piper said as she wiped the blood off the pen, Bella still whimpering in the background.
"Now, each time you get a question wrong, I'm gonna stab you again. Understand, girlie? Or am I goin' too fast for you?"
Bella just whimpered again and nodded, her leg throbbing with pain.
Piper smiled and turned to face her again. "Now, where shall we begin?"
next chap will be up soon! XD