Adam, eve and the serpent
Adam looked at the serpent and then the fruit. seeing this as a trick, he cast it out, took hold of the serpent and skinned him, boiled him for dinner and ate him. of course, the devil took offense and sent demons into eden. this had the side effect of making them leprous, thus they returned to hell in various states of dismemberment
"Thou did'st well Adam" said God. Adam lay with Eve and they had a son named Jesus. Jesus grew up to conquer hell. the devil was slain on the fields of Golgotha and Hell was put under forced slavery. all this stuff is written in the book of John already, but seeing as 1000 years paves the way for censorship (re: Viacom), i am telling what should've happened.
anyway, Jesus beat the shit out of satan, blew up hell and then decided to die for our sins. in a gorgeous display of badassery, he went down to hell and Samsoned (well, what else are you going to call it?) the gates of hell, leaving the demons prostrate for 2000 years. this means that they're free to kill again in 2018, because Santa is satan spelled backwards, so if we wait for santa...oh...oh god no!
this story does not make any sense, much like the book of Ezekial. or Charade's, the book