AU! Crackfic! Inspired by a prompt from superkappa (Heroes Gabriel/Elle- Gabriel tries to find a clever way to propose but messes up horribly each time) and the Ink Spots' song of the same name. It's totally something Gabriel would listen to.
I don't want to set the world on fire
I just want to start
A flame in your heart
In my heart I have but one desire
And that one is you
No other will do
I've lost all ambition for worldly acclaim
I just want to be the one you love
And with your admission that you feel the same
I'll have reached the goal I'm dreaming of
Believe me
I don't want to set the world on fire
I just want to start
A flame in your heart
=-=-=-=-
They'd reached that spot in their relationship where Elle didn't feel like she needed to wear make-up all the time. Gabriel didn't need to go out of his way to make dinner romantic. It was dinner. What the Hell was romantic about eating? Elle took to wearing sweatpants around motel rooms; not bothering to stay dressed up all the time. Gabriel let his weight go a little bit.
One night, lying in bed, Elle had a startling epiphany. "Oh God."
"Hmm?" Gabriel was half-asleep.
Elle sat up. "We're there."
Gabriel sat up as well, now fully awake. "There? There, where?"
Elle grabbed Gabriel by his biceps. His once rock solid biceps. "Here." Elle repressed a shudder. "We're in the comfort zone."
"...The what?" Gabriel was puzzled. Wasn't that a mattress store or something? Was Elle half asleep?
"The comfort zone." Elle clarified. "Don't you get it?" She turned the bedside lamp on. "It's where relationships go to die."
"But I love you." Gabriel reassured her. Because he did.
"No, no. Not like it's over." Elle explained, running her hand through his dark hair. "It's like... the thrill is gone. We don't feel the need to impress each other anymore. We're too comfortable to care. You've even started gaining weight. Don't think I haven't noticed."
Gabriel looked down at his stomach. He barely had a fat roll hanging there. He chose not to bring up Elle's letting herself go for fear of having her retaliate by rubbing her cactus-prickly legs against him. He'd heal from the chafing, but God damn if it didn't still hurt. "What do we do?"
"We lie back and accept it." Elle suggested.
"Or?"
"That's all." Elle said with a sigh. She turned off the lamp and sank back into her pillow.
Gabriel refused to accept it. He refused it so hard he folded his arms across his chest and rolled onto his side. He fell asleep trying to come up with ideas to revive the dying spark in his once exhilaratingly dangerous relationship. He had an epiphany of his own before drifting off to sleep.
=-=-=-=-
Elle was an early riser. She didn't want to blame it on all the conditioning she went through as a company agent, but that probably had a lot to do with it. She was always up before the sun, feeling like she had a head start on the world. She also liked getting into the shower first. Gabriel took forever, and there was never any hot water left afterwards.
She was just finishing drying herself off when she was suddenly grabbed from behind. Panic set in and Elle's body shorted itself out, violently shocking her unseen assailant. When she turned to see who was crumpled up, scorched and smoking on the floor, she was almost relieved to see it was her boyfriend. The last person to sneak up on her like that with similar results was a waitress, and it was Hell trying to ditch that check.
"Ohh shit, I'm so sorry Gabriel..." She smoothed his crispy hair back against his charred skull. She knew he was technically dead at the moment, but she still felt bad about it. It's not every day you kill your lover. Well, unless you're Elle Bishop.
"Unghfwaaaaghuddd..." Gabriel gurgled, his tongue not exactly regenerated yet.
Elle pouted as she watched Gabriel's skin layers grow back. It was always gross but it was always interesting, too. Like a train wreck. Or a car crash. "You scared the fucking Hell out of me." She complained. "My control isn't as good as it was when we first hooked up, you know."
With what little facial tissue he had, Gabriel made a face. He hated it when Elle referred to their initial coupling as "hooking up". "Naooomrrrr." He said dismissively, shooing Elle out of the bathroom so he could regenerate in peace.
Once she was gone, Gabriel unclenched his right hand and put the platinum ring with the large diamond set in it onto the counter. The talk they'd had a few nights before got the gears in his head turning, though breathing new life into his relationship seemed like it would end his. He eventually grew enough muscle in his legs to stand himself up. He gave the engagement ring a glance before getting into the shower himself.
=-=-=-=-
Later that morning, Gabriel and Elle went out to their favorite diner for breakfast. Their favorite waitress took their favorite orders. Elle sipped coffee from her favorite cup as she eyed her favorite man with suspicion. He was up to something, she could tell. "What's on your mind, kid?"
Gabriel frowned. He was seven years older than her and she was calling him kid? "Nothing, just looking."
Elle turned to look behind her. "At what?"
"You."
Elle blushed. She was still so unsure how to handle compliments. "Ohh."
Now was a good a time as any, Gabriel decided. He grabbed her left hand in both of his. "I've given this some thought, and I have just the thing to--"
"Breakfast is ready!" The waitress boomed. Couldn't she have waited another few seconds? She was no longer Gabriel's favorite waitress. Once she skittered away, he stabbed at his French toast with much ire and took too big of a bite. If he didn't finish breakfast soon, another waitress would be added to their combined body count. Not the best way to start the day.
"Are you okay?" Elle asked. She looked so concerned, Gabriel's heart melted. Fuck it.
"No." He answered, spitting syrup onto his Connect-the-Dots placemat. "I have something I want-" His words died in his throat as the French toast expanded, blocking his windpipe. He was choking.
Elle quickly jumped out of her chair, sending it flying back against the man seated behind her. She wrapped her arms around Gabriel's chest and squeezed him hard and tight, hoping to oust the murderous breakfast lodged in her boyfriend's throat.
There was a sickening crack and Gabriel's eyes rolled into the back of his head. Elle, in a panic, tried to attempt another maneuver. She slid Gabriel's body to the floor and pounded on his chest. Her ears were met with another sickening crack, followed by a rather unappetizing crunching noise.
"Ohh my GOD, you're breaking his ribs!" A diner patron shrieked before running out the door.
Elle balked. "What? No way, I'm trained in this." She folded her hands together and raised them high above her head before slamming them down into Gabriel's chest a third time. The wait staff watched in horror as Gabriel's chest caved in.
"FUCK." Elle spat. "It never happens like this on TV..." She blew her bangs out of her face and stood up. "Well, I'm out of ideas." She announced to the remaining people in the diner.
Just as the cook was dialing 911, Gabriel sat up, spitting the half-chewed food from his mouth. "Ughhh..."
Elle grinned down at her revived man. "See? He's fine, everybody!"
Gabriel rolled his eyes and got to his feet. Their waitress pretended not to notice when his chest expanded back to its normal shape. He reached into his back pocket and slid his fingers past the ring to his wallet. Leaving a twenty-dollar bill on the table, he grabbed Elle's hand and left the diner before anyone could ask any unwanted questions.
"Hey!" Elle pouted. "I didn't finish my breakfast."
"I'll take you out later to make up for it." Gabriel not-apologized.
"Okay... just promise not to choke again on me later. You know I can't do the Heimlich." It was true. Elle was equipped for killing people far better than she was for helping.
=-=-=-=-
He stayed true to his word. Gabriel took Elle through the park on a nice walk after a late night dessert-seeking adventure. He had set everything up perfectly; they were completely secluded under a lamp on a bench over looking the park. Elle, full of cheesecake and espresso, leaned against Gabriel and sighed happily.
"This is probably our best date ever." Elle decided.
Gabriel slid his arm behind Elle's neck and brushed his fingers back and forth on the ends of Elle's hair. "You think so too, I see."
"Mm-hmm." She snuggled closer and closed her eyes, savoring the moment.
Second chances were rare, even for someone who dies a lot, so Gabriel decided to act fast. He dug his free hand into his jacket pocket and closed his fist around the ring he'd picked out for Elle. This is it.
"Do you believe in destiny?" He blurted. He instantly regretted it when he felt Elle shake against him with silent laughter. "What?"
"I'm sorry, it's just..." Elle sat up straight, trying to compose herself. She may have been trying not to laugh, but she was doing a terrible job. "That sounds like it came from a bad soap opera."
"You know I don't watch TV." Gabriel snapped, removing his arm from around Elle.
"Aww, c'mon Gabriel, I'm sorry." Elle pleaded. She grabbed his arm and wrapped it around her waist. "You know I'm shitty with this romance stuff. Gimme another chance..."
"How do I know you're not going to make fun of me again?" Gabriel asked, looking away from her.
"Try me." Elle challenged before giving him a short kiss.
"Okay." He began, drawing in a deep breath. "Remember how I said that I wanted to be--AAAAUUUGHH!!!!!"
Elle screamed as well, falling from her perch on the bench. She watched with fascinated horror as Gabriel pulled a knife out of his abdomen. She had been too absorbed in the romance to notice the shifty bum, waiting for his chance to mug them. In retaliation for ruining her Best Date Ever, Elle shocked the bum until he was a pile of ashes. Sometimes she really fucking hated New York. You find one reason to like the place, and then it reminds you why it sucks.
Gabriel tossed the knife aside and examined his favorite shirt with a frown. "Let's just go home and go to bed." He said, defeated.
=-=-=-=-
To say Elle loved a good rivalry was an understatement. Batman and the Joker. Superman and Lex Luthor. Seinfeld and Newman. Even Gabriel and Bennet. But nothing compared to the situation Gabriel found himself in, seated beside his overly excitable girlfriend. Wearing a baseball cap. Probably ruining his hair. In a brand new stadium brimming with animosity.
Elle looked at Gabriel, eyes wide and crazed. "This is amazing!" She adjusted the pinstriped ball cap on her head and surveyed her fellow sports fans. "I think the fans hate each other more than the teams do!"
Gabriel only nodded, not wanting to draw any further attention on himself. It was bad enough Elle made him wear a Red Sox hat into Yankee Stadium. He didn't need to vocalize the fact.
Elle frowned and grasped his large hand into her two tiny ones. "What's wrong, sweetie? Aren't you having fun?"
"Sure I am." Gabriel assured her. "The dirty looks are the best part."
"Good." She settled against him and was quiet for a moment. "Hey you know what would be a lot of fun?"
"Oh God, what?" He dared to ask.
"You should use your TK to give Boston a couple homeruns... really piss these Yankee guys off." She was grinning sadistically. "Wouldn't that be hilarious?"
"I don't think I want to do anything that'll cause another one of my deaths tonight, Elle. Sorry." He was all done dying for the week, thankyouverymuch.
Elle palmed Gabriel's groin over his pants and none to subtlety announced "I'll give you a blow job on the way home if you do it." Well!
Within the inning, Pedroia, Ortiz, and Varitek all hit homeruns. Boston was up by 8 before the crowd started getting antsy. Gabriel sunk so low in the seat it appeared as if he was melting. "I think maybe we should leave early." He suggested.
"Early?" Elle sounded disappointed. "Look at these people. They are on the verge of rioting! I can't believe you want to leave before we get to the good part." She folded her arms across her chest. "And you used to be so fun." She threw her Yankees cap to the floor and stepped on it, much to the horror of the Yankees fans sitting on both sides of the couple.
He'd had it. It was now or never.
Gabriel grabbed Elle's left hand and shoved his free hand into his pocket. He accepted that there was no such thing as The Perfect Moment. When he pulled his hand out of his pocket, he held up the engagement ring he'd been trying to give her for weeks. "God damn it, Elle. I'm going to marry you if it kills me."
"Gabriel, what-"
"Shut up, just shut up!" He thought about getting on his knees, but decided not to. Who knows how many drunken fans threw up on the floor here. Eww. "Don't say anything that's going to get me electrocuted or choked or stabbed. If I end up getting killed again before I can finish, so help me God, everyone in this stadium is going to die." He took the offending Red Sox cap off his head and looked her in the eyes. "Elle Bishop. Will you marry me?"
At a loss for words for possibly the first time in her life, Elle only nodded.
"That's a yes?" He needed to make it official. Because that was the kinda guy he was.
"Of course it's a yes, you asshole!" Elle jumped into his lap and smothered him with kisses.
Gabriel seemed more than satisfied with her answer. He wasn't sure the stadium would have survived if she had said 'no'.
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