A/N: This was a prompt from my friend that included House, Wilson, Cuddy – the clinic exam room. House/Wilson slash. You've been warned. Enjoy.
"HOUSE!" Cuddy slammed the door to the clinic exam room open, deciding she couldn't care less whether House was with a patient or not; she was going to strangle him with her stethoscope with no consideration for witnesses. Luckily he wasn't with a patient and luckily, he didn't seem to be busy whatsoever.
"CARAVAN!" Yelled House from his upside down position on the clinic table, his cane balancing precariously on the underneath of his chin. As his vocal cords jumped however, said cane began to wobble and slide sideways. Cuddy darted forwards and snatched it up before it fell to the floor. She looked at it for a second before looking back at House.
She rapped him over the head with his own cane.
"Now that was just plain rude, I thought we were playing a game," announced the now irate House, rolling sideways so he was sitting with his legs dangling over the side of the table.
"Face rape." Said Cuddy with an utterly serious expression on her face.
"… I think you've lost me … is the response butt sex?" House generally looked confused and Cuddy felt a welling of pride at finally managing to throw a spanner in the workings of House's twisted mind.
"No House … though for you the answer may be butt sex, this is more about the pretext that leads up to it. Namely … the face raping." Cuddy seemed to begin having trouble with the topic in question and quickly closed the door. Only to have it stopped half way by a foot. A foot that belonged none other than the second member of Cuddy's eternal frustration.
"I've been looking for you Cuddy," announced Wilson, now sticking his head into the room along with his foot. He noticed House and nodded to him.
"Get in here Wilson," Cuddy sighed, throwing House's cane back at him, looking suddenly worn and tired.
"I have a patient …" Began Wilson when he was cut off by Cuddy.
"And I'm losing MY patience," sighed Cuddy, turning Wilson's comment right on its head.
"I bet someone ate her sandwich," concluded House, swinging his cane between his fingers and watching Cuddy with a look of amusement. "Don't worry. You needed to lose weight anyway."
"This is not about me needing to lose some weight or the fact someone stole my sandwich, which I know full well was you House. This is about you two." She waved a finger between them and sat herself at the small desk in the corner. She turned the stool so she was looking at them both, crossing her legs as an afterthought as House leant down.
"And face rape," added House, looking to Wilson as though informing him of a great boon. Wilson raised an eyebrow and finally allowed himself into the room and closed the door. The three of them stayed there in a moment of silence.
"Face rape?" Wilson finally questioned, looking to House as though it were he who had come up with the statement.
"Apparently it leads to butt sex," affirmed House.
"Yesterday lunch time in the cafeteria," began Cuddy, crossing her arms and not looking happy.
"Now you're just plain confusing me. Are we talking about face rape or what was on sale for lunch yesterday?" Wilson looked back to Cuddy with a puzzled look.
"It was the BLT special …" began House but Cuddy raised a hand and glowered at him.
"You," she pointed at House, "and you," she pointed out Wilson, "are no longer allowed to demonstrate affection towards each other in ANY part of my hospital. People do not want to look up from their lunch and come face-to-face with two full grown men, trying to stick their tongues down the other's neck."
"Oooooh face rape. You know that makes sense," admitted House. Wilson had gone an admirable shade of red and was trying very hard not to meet anyone's eye.
"Uh, yes, well … sorry … the … uh … face rape won't happen again," Wilson finally managed to say.
"You know it's not rape if you yell surprise first," commented House absentmindedly. Both Wilson and Cuddy looked at him as if he were crazy. "It's like all other surprise situations. The point of it is to give the person you're surprising something. I in no way over stepped those boundaries."
"I wanted to vomit in my sandwich," growled Cuddy, her hands twitching towards her stethoscope at last.
"You eat too much, I knew taking your lunch today would help you in some way," nodded House, clearly pleased with his childish behaviour. He slid off the clinic table and made his way for the door that Wilson was still stood in front. "Hey Wilson," the younger man looked up, his face still fighting the blush, "surprise!" and without warning House was kissing Wilson.
True to the word Wilson was certainly 'surprised' and let out a small squeak as House forced himself onto him. He soon fell into the moment and Cuddy was quickly forgotten. Until her stethoscope smacked them in the face.
"Let me the hell out first!" She was standing with her hands on her hips, a look of embarrassment, horror and anger playing across her face, fighting for dominance. Anger won. "Go away. Both of you. House you have a man dying upstairs and Wilson you had a patent I believe you needed my assistance with. If I catch you face raping each other again I am going to find a new place to shove my stethoscope!" She snatched said item from the floor and marched out, leaving House with an incredibly wide grin on his face.
"You did this intentionally didn't you? Planned it from the very beginning," Wilson sighed in exasperation and left the clinic room, shaking his head but smiling none the less.
"Who me? NEVER!" Yelled House after their retreating backs. "Face rape … I wonder if I could get away with using that as a medical term?" He left the room, raising his voice into a girly squeal, "what on Earth is wrong with me doctor?" He turned his voice back to normal, "well it appears to me that you have a bad case of face rape … yes, it could work."
A/N: Note that I don't dislike the idea of Huddy/Hilson … I just thought her reaction would make for an amusing fic. Anyway. I hope it made you all laugh! R&R.