Disclaimer: This story is written by a dumb person with barely any knowledge of Skylanders and is high on every drug known to man. You have been warned
My name is Jahsteece Barthlomew Newton Bacheinstein. I am the strongest skylander ever in the history of the universe. I am a wood elf and my parents has been grocery shopping for firewood for 10 years. I lived alone because I am a badass with a sad backstory. Now, I've grown to become the strongest, most OP Skylander in Skylands. This is my story.
There was a day I couldn't forget. Kaos was attacking the Core of Light for the umpteenth time, this time a lot simpler than most of his malicious plans enacted to destroy the Core. For some odd reason, he chose the easiest route of attacking while everyone else was busy instead of crafting some stupidly meticulous plan or something. He didn't send his biggest guns, though. The egotistical portal master with a phallus for a head wanted to do it himself. He was rambling about having the satisfaction of performing the historical feat himself or something. I didn't really care. All I wanted to do that day was listen to edgy music and pretend that I had no friends.
Kaos brought a close friend with him, probably to witness the destruction of the Core. He was green, had tall ears and a skinny build. He looks like a troll, but god he was a handsome devil. I didn't get that much chances to take a look at him at the moment since a bunch of Kaos' goons were preventing me from basking in his handsomeness. As I skillfully sliced through the goons using my scythe which is also a gun, I saw Kaos fly over my head with a hovering platform thingy and towards the Core of light. I knew jack shit about Skylands, but at the very least, my 20 iq noggin knew that the Core must not be destroyed. But, wherever Kaos is, that dashing green rogue is also with him. Admittedly, I abandoned my other Portal Master and Skylander friends not to stop Kaos, but my raging boner declared that I should follow that troll.
I launched myself using the recoil of my gun which is also a scythe, mind you, towards the direction of the Core. The bald midget didn't realize I was following his ass until I landed right behind him.
"Watashi ga kita!" I yelled as I embraced my 0.01% Japanese heritage. That phrase meant 'I am here!' in Japanese, but the tiny portal master was too dumb to know superior culture when he sees it (even though he made plans that I couldn't make, but lets just ignore that part because I want to stroke my own ego). Kaos was too much of a wuss to face me mano a mano so he sent the green troll to fight me. I readied my scythe which is also a gun and shifted into a fighting stance. I couldn't bear to lay a scratch on his cute face, but I have to risk injuring him in order to stop Kaos from screwing up Skylands again.
He took a step forward.
Nevermind.
My body suddenly crumbled. I felt a large weight pressuring my body. I clutched my throbbing heart as I struggled to stand. I looked up to see his idiotic, adorable marble eyes staring back into my soul, and at once my body melted again. I accidently let out an embarrasing, suggestive moan as I desperately tried to regain control over my raging hormones. Just him looking at me violates me at every corner, but for some reason, I enjoyed every bit of him.
"Why are you blushing?" the dashing green troll asked with a voice bestowed upon him by a god.
"I-I'm not blushing, baka!" I flustered in between tears. I was already ready to surrender myself to him and allow him to do unspeakable things to me. Why? Why am I so attracted to him? My heart felt like it was being tugged and pulled by a trailer truck. I couldn't fight him. I just couldn't...
"Good, good! I didn't know you had such strength! Now kill him!" Kaos ordered. His shrill voice stung my ears like cat claws scratching on a window. His voice awakened an inner primal rage within me. I stood up, embracing the fury of a panther. Then my eyes met the troll again.
Boom.
I was back on the floor again. My knees were weak. My arms were heavy. There was vomit on my sweater already. I probably shouldn't have ate mom's spaghetti earlier. This is it I guess. I accepted my fate.
"What are you doing? Get rid of him already!" I could feel his voice rustling my jimmies in every wrong way possible.
"I can't! He's like a poor whimpering puppy!" the green troll responded with a sympathetic voice.
"You're no use, Glumshanks!" Kaos yelled back at him in anger and pushed him aside. He fell on the floor helplessly. The moment the troll hit the ground, I could feel a massive surge of power. I don't know if it was out of my infatuation for Glumshanks or out of rage of hitting my husbando. Whatever it was, I fully intend to use this surge to beat Kaos.
I screamed loudly to increase my power like a generic shonen anime protagonist. Kaos stood in awe of my unintelligible screeching as I embraced some sort of magical unknown power that I pulled out of my ass. My hair turned yellow and my muscles atrophied, increasing in size into unrealistic levels. I stared down Kaos with a death glare that would have made any sensible villain shit their pants, but so far, none of my foes who witnessed my ultimate form was scared by it. All of them just laughed, and Kaos was no exception. He was just envious of my bulging power. I was too cool for him and for school.
With a Viking war cry, I charged at him, my body shooting towards him like a fierce fireball. I pulled my fist back, ready to manpunch the midget into the Nth dimension.
"This is the end for you, Friez- I mean Kaos!" I yelled as I attempted to reenact my favourite anime character, Goku. I was so cool, I bet all the Skylander women would have been all over me once the battle was done. I clenched my fist and readied my arm to strike. My bicep was curled. My tricep was relaxed. I used my momentum to further accelerate the driving force of my fist as force is equal to mass multiplied by acceleration. That was the only formula I remembered in school, and I'll be damned if I don't flex my miniscule knowledge on you, the reader. But just as I released all my hormonal rage into the living embodiment of a scrotum, Kaos did something unthinkable.
He dodged. And the force of my fist... went into the Core of light.
"Nani?" I gasped in utter shock. The villain wasn't supposed to dodge! They were supposed to stand, mouth agape as the hero does his special move!
"Not my fault you were moving in slow-motion. Well Glumshanks, our job is done! Now I can finally rule over the Skylands!" Kaos announced his victory and shattered my already fragile, insecure ego into dust. The tidal wave that was the realisation that I brought on the Skylands equivalent of an civilisation reconfiguration made me not feel so good.
I stopped dead in my tracks. All I could do was stare in shock at the incredible speed of Kaos (I refuse to admit that I was moving at 1 nanometers per month and that he casually walked out of the way). Kaos opened a portal, presumably back to his evil lair. Glumshanks followed suit. He hesitated a bit and turned to look at me, then hastily jumped into the portal before closing. I turned around to see the Core exploding dramatically in my face.
I woke up under a pile of rubble. I was miraculously unharmed as I was wearing clothes made out of a special alloy named Plotonium™, come get yours at your local Skymart today! The island I was standing on was absolutely fragmented. I saw skylanders and portal masters alike laying down on the ground, dirtied by dirt and dust. They were dead, definitely not asleep even though I could hear them breathing. This is my story, not theirs.
As I walked in the aftermath, the wasteland of my creation, Spyro suddenly grabbed my leg.
"Jahsteece, you have to kill Kaos. I believe in you. You are a Sky Landman." And then he went back to sleep. I shed a tear at his beautiful speech about how Skylands need a hero and that there will always be one to save the day. The Skylanders were gone, but I am still here. I will kill Kaos and get Glumshanks as my prize.
Because I am a Skylander.
There will be a Chapter 2.