To give a bit of a timeline, this happens sometime after Journey's End for Rose and (obviously) sometime after Let's Kill Hitler! and The Wedding of River Song for River and Eleven. Rose and Tentoo (obviously) wound up married sometime before this as well. Aside from assuming Rose resumed her dimension hoppings just for the heck of it, and perhaps that Rose and River accidentally met before this, worked out their differences peacefully-ish, and are now simply having a bit of fun at the Doctor's expense, that's as specific as I bothered to get. So basically this is a very short PWP oneshot with dozens of plot holes.

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who. All rights to any canon-ly recognizable content belong to BBC, unless I missed a copyright loophole distributing a portion of the rights to a more specific group of people, which is frankly very possible. But either way I own absolutely nothing of the series.

"Hi," said River with a tone akin to forced politeness. "I'm River Song. The Doctor's wife."

The Doctor in reference groaned, muttering "why me?" to an uncaring slab of cement. They both ignored him.

"Rose Tyler," snarked Rose Tyler in reply, returning the politeness with barely veiled poison. "Also the Doctor's wife."

In completely perfect unison, the two girls turned to face him. It alarmed him to notice how alike they looked in that moment – all unimpressed and quirked eyebrows and crossed arms.

"Care to explain?" River and Rose demanded, in perfect synchronization again.

Squeaking, the Doctor told himself indignantly, was unmanly. He was manly. In fact, he was very, very manly, and so he most definitely did not squeak.

Then again, caught between a blonde and a wall and another blonde was a very bad place to be. Squeaking in a very bad place … was also totally manly, in his totally unbiased opinion. Even more so, of course, when that blonde was River Song and that blonde was Rose Tyler. He could really only be grateful Jackie hadn't followed her daughter through … well, whatever Rose went through to get here.

And Amy.

River and Rose Tyler and Jackie and Amy Pond would have been bad. Very, very, very bad. He'd have melted into a puddle of Doctor-goo from the strength of bad. Actually, scratch that – he'd have melted into a puddle of Tyler-slapped Doctor-goo. And that …

Oh, he didn't even want to think about that.

Although to be fair, he was getting a very good idea from the way Rose and River's left feet were tapping on the floor.

The Doctor absolutely and unashamedly panicked.

"I can explain!" he wailed, throwing himself at their tapping feet in a plea for mercy. "Please don't castrate me and throw me in a pond of burning acid with ducks and asprin and chuck me into a black hole and let me rot for all eternity!"

There was silence for a long moment, if you ignored his panicked sniveling, as River and Rose exchanged a long, bewildered glance.

They looked at the Doctor.

Back to each other.

(They were still in sync freaking why)

Then Rose's lips twitched.

River sort of huffed on a chuckle.

The Doctor raised his head with a sniff, looking for all the world like a puppy caught peeing on his neighbor's cat.

And Rose and River laughed so hard they fell over, landing in hysterical lumps on the floor.

Ayyyy

I love it when girls gang up on poor, unsuspecting puppies, don't you?